dug up this note in my files today

should be dated about the middle of spring semester last year (march 2025, let's say). I guess I never posted it cuz it gets kinda abstract at the end and a little ranty. and also it's kinda like vent writing LMAO, but I read it again and I was like damn that's so sweet so let's post it (i'm sure the past me would have no problem with this!)

I woke up today with that dryness in your throat that won't go away no matter how much you swallow. The cold has finally claimed me this year.

Usually, I work in the library after coming back from my Harvard class until dinner time (where I would go to a dining hall) and then MITWE. Today, I was so out of it and I decided that I wanted to have instant ramen. Warm, gooey, instant ramen that will do miracles for my throat. And so here I am, watching it cook and writing.

It's been really windy the last couple of days, but it finally cleared up today. I hope we won't get anymore sudden cold bouts. There's been much too many cold days this season. Anyways, I was walking back to my dorm. It's 5pm and the sun was a little over the horizon post daylight savings. How nice the weather is now. People were out on Kresge lawn, sitting on the lawn chairs that haven't felt the touch of a human butt since 2024. I saw people I knew settling down on a chair. I waved at them, and they waved back.

It was the first time in a while since I've cut through the fields to get to my dorm. Usually, I just take the two legs of the right-angle triangle because the fields were too icy/slushy/wet. I stared at the ground as I walked, thinking, as I tend to on these walks (though it's been a while since these have happened), about the recent events in my life.

Something that I used to think about a lot is conversation with other people. What do you talk about when you chat with friends? What are the things that you wish you could talk about with friends? My biggest fear is always running out of things to say in a conversation. I always feel uncomfortable, and I find myself frantically searching my mind for something to say. Of course, when you're scared like that, it's hard to find anything to say.

I think people talk about the kinds of things that they have on their minds often. I mean, if you're alone, you can entertain yourself right? Certainly, I can when I'm alone. But what do I have on my mind often? I find myself thinking about how to be a better person. I find myself reflecting on the things that I've done throughout the day, usually involving others, and I wonder how each action made someone else feel, and what I should have done instead to make them feel better.

Some of the happiest moments in my life are when I get to talk about these kinds of things with other people. I remember ambling through Central Park, talking about life. Our troubles, our aspirations, our regrets. I remember sitting on the swing in a playground late at night. We stared at the pretty lights of the buildings in downtown Boston, and I could finally express to someone how happy I always am when I look at cities at night.

I wish I could have more of those moments.

And here I am struggling to find things to talk about. I don't want the shows that people watch. I don't listen to the music that people usually listen to. I play Honkai Star Rail and I listen to Hatsune Miku. Oddly enough, I've met people who do the same, but we never clicked.

"You don't have to have the same interests in order to talk. My parents don't share a single interest and yet they've been happily married for however many years," a friend once told me. So what is it that they talk about? What is it that helps with conversation?

"If I don't have anything to say, I just don't say anything. It's really that simple."

And then? Isn't it awkward?

"I don't give a shit if they find it awkward."

For some reason, this world seems to operate in the following manner: if you want an outcome, chasing it blindly won't usually get you that outcome. You have to let go, and you'll get it somehow. I hate how the world acts like that. You'll drown if you keep thrashing around, desperately trying to stay afloat.

And maybe the solution to the problem that I have with conversation is that I should stop caring about it so much. But how can I improve at interacting with others? How can I be a better person if I don't reflect on what I've done and identify areas to improve? It's a weird balance.

"Don't you feel like I've changed since you first got to know me?" I asked. So many things have changed recently. I've stopped running in the morning, exercising in general, journaling, blogging. All these things I thought would make me a better person. I must be becoming a worst person by not doing those things, right?

"No. I mean, I know you're more stressed than usual. I know you have a lot on your plate. But you're still you."

But I was such a softer person last semester. I didn't get irritated nearly as often, and nowadays I seem to be getting annoyed at people over trivial things. How can I go back to that?

"And I love you through all of the stress, the anger, everything."

What does that mean?