summer as a limbo like a hell

On the desk in my room, there is a stack of unread books, museum pamphlets, crumpled receipts, unused tissue paper and napkins, emptied and washed glass bottles, food crumbs, knots of wires, and a bit of space cleared for my laptop and my mouse, my cracked dinner bowl and the free Heineken glass that I got in Amsterdam.

My weekdays are simple: I wake up around 8 or 9 to the sun shining through the crack in my window landing perfectly on my face. Too tired to start the day, I open YouTube and watch a video, maybe snoozing a little. Eventually, I get up, maybe make breakfast (though I haven't had breakfast foods in the fridge for two weeks at this point), and leave the house 5 minutes before the 145 bus arrives. I lock my door with an old-fashioned key, walk down the two flights of stairs, jaywalk across the busy intersection outside my neighborhood, and stand under the hot summer sun at the bus station. I pull out my phone and stare at my home screen, before deciding to open the New Yorker app and scroll through stories (mostly politics) that do not interest me.

The bus comes and I board. I sit for three stops and get off at Thea-Leymann Straße. I walk into the office and feel a level of guilt proportional to the time in which I enter the office. I sit down and force myself to work. At 12:45, I go to lunch with the rest of the algebraic/arithmetic geometry group. After a farce of items from the salad bar, I return to my office and lie down on the couch. I usually get sleepy in the afternoon, and the existence of this couch is such a blessing. I complain about having to work, and I eventually get back to it.

I leave sometime between 4 and 7 the same way I arrive. I cook a simple meal with simple ingredients, usually a meat and a veggie stir-fried over rice. Sometimes, when I haven't been to the store in a little while, I cook more pathetic meals, but I always try to get my nutrients in. Protein, fiber, and carbs: two fried eggs, boiled bokchoy, and a beer. I eat between games of Valorant. I stop playing around 11 or midnight. I shower, brush my teeth, and watch videos until I lose consciousness.

I don't really exercise, my drafts folder only grows and grows with half-written posts, and somehow whilst living in Germany, my German abilities are starting to rust. The only two places that I go during the week is my room and my office. The curtains of my windows are always drawn.

Why do I live such a pathetic life here? I've pinpointed it to a couple of factors. The first is that I am not here for a long time. I don't have an incentive to keep my place clean as I'll only be living here for three months. I don't mind the mess so much, as long as there aren't bugs or a smell. I don't want to buy too many ingredients as I'm afraid I won't be able to use it up by the time that I go, and I don't mind my simple meals. I don't have to endure it for a long time, after all.

The second is that traveling and doing stuff has been tiring me out. I'm always going somewhere on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and when Monday rolls around, I have to get ready for my weekly advisor meetings. I've scheduled my journeys such that I have to leave before the sun rises and I always seem to arrive back at Essen Hauptbahnhof after the last subway is done running.

That is not to say I don't have a lot of fun traveling. It's been very nice. I've gotten to eat a lot of good food and see a lot of cool things. I think I'm starting to develop a more refined taste in art, wine, cocktails. I've been meeting friends and getting to know more people.

The third factor is probably that I don't have any daily social interaction. I keep cordial relationships with the rest of the department, but we don't hang out regularly outside (cf. summer camps and REU's). I only have somewhat regular meetups with the rest of the people in the area, and I sometimes chat with my roommate as I cook dinner in the kitchen. At night, I have passing conversations with strangers I meet on Valorant, but at the end of the day they are only strangers.

I've kind of realized that there isn't much I'd like to do by myself outside in the evenings. The food here is not that good. Sure, I could go drink, but that'd be somewhat depressing and also expensive. I can be drunk in my own room for much less (they sell 50 cent beers at Aldi).

Though I can name these factors, I also know that it's entirely my fault for using my free time this way. I know I really could be spending my evenings reading, watching movies, shows, getting better at German, writing (I really should do that in the evenings instead of during my workday), going on a run (I neglected to mention this but there aren't many nice running areas near me unfortunately, but the only things you really need to run are your legs), doing something with my life that isn't rotting away.

As I lie in my bed scrolling reels, I see that there are plenty others going through a similar experience. I wonder if they have found something to do in their free time that brings meaning to their life. I'm sure I'll figure it out in the future, too. Just not in the next three weeks.

I'm sure once I get a longer-term position, I'll be doing better things in my 5-9. Teaching, volunteering, writing, playing my games with intention rather than just to pass time, actually resting. It's just easy to put it off until later when you don't have much time now. You can change that now, too. You can change any time. But right now, I'm choosing not to, and that's okay, too. Just be aware of the choices that you are making.

Man, I feel way better after writing this all down. You know, that's something I do when I don't want to work. I write about it on a piece of paper. After I'm done, I suddenly want to work. It brings me closure, I guess.