Monday, Jan 30, 2023 at 9:20 PM

Help how do I stop thinking I have to be everything to everyone? The Fool is fine with his foolishness. He is content with his role. Why can I not break out of the role I give myself - which is to occupy all roles ever? Why am I resentful and envious of everything everyone else has without realizing what I am, why do I see only the negative space in which I am not? Why do I feel when people say what I am not that it is forcing me to be who I can see reasonably I cannot be? Why do I feel attacked?

I know I am loved to some degree, but I fear I cannot be truly loved if I am not respected. I don't feel like I'm respected unless I'm understood, or is it the other way around? Either way, it sucks to fear others look down at my abilities, that I am the eternal jester, never the leader, never worthy of respect. I feel forbidden from seeing myself as respectable.

Why do I feel forbidden from this? I don't know. Protective mother? Negligent father that never for one second listens to me? Parents that couldn't see eye to eye and loved each other with no respect?

I don't want to drown in a relationship without respect. When people abandon their respect for me, I suffocate so hard I die a thousand deaths. It's probably not that deep; I make it serious because everywhere I turn, I fear a world that doesn't want me to be autonomous.

I feel forbidden from seeing my own autonomy and it's gross. I feel forbidden and I'm angry.

I am not okay with being a Fool? What's wrong with being a Fool? What's wrong with what's wrong with being a Fool? I'm tired of identifying with what I can't identify as.

I've tied "respect" and "being everything"/"being perfect" together. Why do I feel implicit non-permission to be a fool? Why do I feel perfect is something that's thrust as a need upon me, and by whomst? Who is the missing person doing this to me? I Do Not Understand and I am tired of being stupid. I'm tired of being the idiot. I don't know who's calling me that, but there's someone inside me incapable of giving me credit. I don't think it's my mother anymore. My father never opened his mouth and said that. I don't know if it's them or the echoes of a thousand generational wounds before. Either way, I'm tired of not knowing. I’m tired of the self-imposed pressure to be smart, and have it figured out, and be good at everything all at once.

I know that the real reason this all ties to is I feel implicit disrespect from the world and implicit distrust. It goes two ways. I distrust the world and it in turn distrusts me. If I let myself be vulnerable by being just one good thing to the good people who like it, then I feel I will relinquish control and thus become dependent on others in ways I can't bear. And then those people, because I feel more ambivalent about the goodness of people lasting past a fleeting moment, will betray me. They will take advantage of me. They will rape me hard and take from me what belongs to me, which is my own self respect. Which is my own worthiness, which is my own self reliance. It feels like I am the only one who can trust myself, and I have failed even in that. I would hate for anyone ever to trust me before I get a chance to do so.

The world is a fortress that I have to raw dog learn to navigate. Only certain people get afforded the luxury of being a limited amount of things, having a limited appeal, a limited audience. I feel the need to surrender to it, and I'm grossed out.

Would you still love me if I was an idiot? Of course. But I can't help but worry it's because you feel better than me. You're not better than me, whoever the monster of "you" the person I'm supposed to be loved by is.

I don't want people to feel inferior or superior. Just fucking leave me alone. I hate you. Respect me, quietly, from a distance. Do I still even want love?

I don't know.