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Crystal D

main writing on Substack and crystal-duan.com/essays

Why i don't write about college [yet]

There's a box inside of me that's super locked up. Mega bolted, in fact. It contains all the hopes and dreams I haven't properly grieved. Somehow, I've always been fixated on being enough. And the FIRST TIME, I EVER EVER felt, enough, was when I was in college. And it might've been the last time. As an adult, I struggle a lot. I struggle less than as a child, because I have more solutions now. I don't have less problems. In college, all that mattered to me was I was GOOD at journalism. I had ...
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Monday, Jan 30, 2023 at 9:20 PM

Help how do I stop thinking I have to be everything to everyone? The Fool is fine with his foolishness. He is content with his role. Why can I not break out of the role I give myself - which is to occupy all roles ever? Why am I resentful and envious of everything everyone else has without realizing what I am, why do I see only the negative space in which I am not? Why do I feel when people say what I am not that it is forcing me to be who I can see reasonably I cannot be? Why do I feel attacked...
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Be a Shrewd *and* Kind Mofo In The Year of The Rabbit

Happy Lunar New Year! This year, 2023, will be the year of the rabbit. I’ve been studying some Chinese astrology, and mind you I have a long ways to go before I can say I’ve mastered it, but I will say a few words about the rabbit. Both my sister and father are rabbits, so this zodiac animal has always been more intriguing to me. What strikes me the most about the “rabbit “personality is they are characterized by both a popular spirit and great compassion. And at the same time, they are cunni...
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Saturday, Jan 21, 2023 at 5:36 PM

Some really brief notes on LA: I believe you cannot survive in LA if you compare yourself to people generally in terms of: appearance, social appropriateness, wealth The average person probably struggles with these things. I do not in the classic way; I simply struggle with other things – why I chose the NYC life. A more unique, more wounding place to be, but one that feels more exhilarating to heal. Even the third point, being "poor," didn't hurt as much in LA bc I wasn't TRYING to make m...
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