we are (happily) alone

as my wifes final child moves away from hallstead pennsylvania—my wife finds herself alone with respect to her family

she is estranged from her birth family due to them abusing her

i am alone similarly (with my family) i said goodbye to them two and a half years ago—my sister and i were abused by our father

this was a major issue for me—until i admitted it my life was chaos—it took a suicide attempt to place me in the couch of a psychiatrist i finally spoke to

at 32 i fully realized my dads behavior was not normal—that this was not happening inside every family—before speaking with this psychiatrist i thought what my dad did was basically ok (because he did it and he was my dad and how could my dad be wrong)

i brought my dads abuse up with my family but my sister wont talk to anyone but me and her therapist—and no one else in the family believes me (enough to make a change in their lives—like not inviting my dad to be around their kids)

that no one in the family will have an honest conversation with me about this was reason enough (after years of struggle) to ask them not to contact me again

and they havent

and i will never contact them

this morning when i went outside to turn off the porch lights—our neighbors were there and one of them (we know from the internet) was convicted of rape earlier in his life

my wife is understandably uncomfortable around him

i dont want to talk to the guy

then i recall my wifes friend—we have dinner with him some nights

this friend was abused by his dad when he was young—i wonder if he has talked with his mother or siblings about it—and i remember a day early in our relationship when he asked where i came from and i told him this short little story that went like this

my dad abused me and my sister and i couldnt get an honest conversation with anyone about it so i left !!

thats one of the first things i said to him

i wonder if he remembers it

i wonder if he feels the potential (in my story) for him

i wonder what to do with our neighbor—if he and i talk again my plan is to say (we need some space from you)

i want to maintain the peace

and first of all i mean the peace inside my head and my wifes head (not the peace of the neighborhood)

i want to protect us all as the kids of abuse

and i remember this time

talking with my wife and our dinner friend

when our friend struggled to quantify what the three of us had in common (that made us get along so well)

i jumped in and said it was that we were all three people of high intelligence

but i knew then and i know now that isnt it

(actually its that) we three are all adults who were abused by our parents as children

this is why my wife freaks out at parties about parents who seem bad for their kids—its why (when i see people parent) i always think theyre unsuitable to be parents

our parents were (unfit)

they messed up with us really bad

(were trying not to be—but) were on high alert

my sister and i both decided at a very early age neither of us were ever going to have kids !!

why do you think that is ??

simple—neither of us wanted the possibility that we would do to our kids what our dad did to us

the peace in knowing that we would never have the chance to harm kids of our own—is worth giving up the joy of having a family

so (aside from my wife and our friend)

i am alone

no origin family to trouble me

no children that i could possibly abuse

only the sharpness of attitude remains (when it comes to dealing with a rapist neighbor)

he acts shocked when we give him dirty looks

bro—you look the other way—and do not meet my eyes again

i wish you repentance

but

after all the shit ive been through to get here

(and after all the loved ones i said goodbye to)

i definitely aint got time for you