dirt

thats my meditation lately nothing there is nothing going on here meaning whatever is going on here is small stuff to me (nothing) nothing i need to worry about nothing that need concern me nothing i need to think about nothing i need to do nothing no matter is so important that it need disturb me not unless someone i love dies will i have anything to lament today everything else is small gravy love my family love myself create and share thats my whole plan ...

when the world is crazy (outside) i have a place (within me) this place is filled with music songs i love to listen to songs that comfort me songs that make me laugh people (outside me) cannot hear it but they see the smile on my face they see my feet are tapping away they feel the warmth of my hugs they know there is a peace (within) and that is the place i am coming from when i come at you and when i forget—i just hear a couple notes and i dance again ...

when im at the gas station and i get out of the car to take a picture of the passenger of some flatbed truck people in the parking lot watch me when i walk down the street with my walker and take pictures of the storm grates people watch me they think (against all logic) that i work for the city and im inspecting something broken—people come up to me while im standing there wearing casual clothes—pushing a walker—taking pictures with my phone—and they talk about how the storm grates have b...

in the 11th grade i took a photography class i took it to avoid taking a science class—my science fair project from the previous year earned me (and my science teacher) a trip to the international science fair—my teacher was eager for me to do another project because he wanted to go back to the international science fair i didnt want anything to do with that—so i figured out i could skip science that year altogether and take a second art class i was already taking video (which is what i was r...

(its our cockatiel—corky) he died last week at the old age of 15 unfortunately i killed him (accidentally) by sitting on him while i did not know he was tangled in my blankets finding him and realizing what i had done was hard i had taken pictures of him in recent times (not knowing those would be the last images of him) its like the pay telephone downtown—we took pictures of it when we saw it and then one day it was gone (removed by mcdonalds probably—it was on their lot) no more pictures...

in the mornings it happens some days (some days not) all ive had the mornings it happens is crackers / water / medicine / tea / coffee nothing fancy the night before i usually lie on my stomach with a pillow under my midsection for support (maybe the pillow is disturbing my stomach) this just started a month or so ago some days i am fine—some i throw up my morning routine hasnt changed much in years (crackers / water / medicine / tea / coffee have never bothered me before) my stomach mus...

lately ive been well enough to wash the dishes almost every day i think this is due to the additional muscle relaxer i started taking a month ago (im now taking the maximum dose of baclofen—80mg daily) i wash the dishes in the morning—today i did them while my wife and her grandson were still sleeping i used to do the dishes at my moms house (when i lived with her) i worked two jobs (each as a dishwasher) in tucson when i was homeless washing dishes gives me a sense of accomplishment of a...

as my wifes final child moves away from hallstead pennsylvania—my wife finds herself alone with respect to her family she is estranged from her birth family due to them abusing her i am alone similarly (with my family) i said goodbye to them two and a half years ago—my sister and i were abused by our father this was a major issue for me—until i admitted it my life was chaos—it took a suicide attempt to place me in the couch of a psychiatrist i finally spoke to at 32 i fully realized my dads ...

i have been lying down for most of 10 years (i realize) ive had td for 10 years (tardive dystonia—which i developed from taking medicine given to me by a hospital that was treating my mental illness) it gives me uncontrollable muscle movements (my whole body moves on its own in twitches and twists) this makes it hard to walk—in fact it makes everything hard from standing to falling asleep to typing to washing dishes—td makes my life hard i do go out—i can stand and walk awkwardly and painful...

sometimes (when thinking) im mired back in the past and when i realize that i say its ok if i catch up to the present sometimes i get caught up in the future and (when i realize that) i say its ok if i fall back from the future sometimes i am unable to catch up to the present (or fall back into it) but when i am able to let go of the future (let go of the past) i feel a wide-eyed release into the present thats why i say (its ok if i catch up to the present) instead of (catch up to the pr...

(or the most elusive lesson) is that not every student is teachable similarly (for a writer) it might be that not every story is writable if youre used to teaching (especially if youre good at it) then youre used to success in that area—you might forget that sometimes youre going to fail !! if youre the doctor then have fun healing (but dont forget that some patients cannot be healed) if youre the artist then have fun expressing (but dont forget that some feelings cannot be expressed) in ...

today i lie down to do midjourney blends a question comes into my head am i playing ?? is what im doing less classified by work than by play am i obligated ?? am i free to make mistakes ?? am i willing to try silly things ?? am i willing to break the rules while playing ?? am i willing to try something new ?? am i willing to try something scary ?? is my ego unattached to my work ?? do their values vary independently ?? am i willing to throw away my product without showing anyone ?? do i ...

i was drunk on gin martinis in a hollywood movie theater writing furiously in my paul frank notebook when i came to a break and wrote this down do fewer things—better someone named natalie read these words over my arm and she took my pen and added quote marks to it that was in 2009 since then i have tried to do fewer things better it was hard for me since im interested in lots of things—in each i can see the potential to go deep and its hard to let go of the potential in those things tha...

i remember 10 years ago when i was 35 i was standing on a porch in baton rouge louisiana and my only problem was a cigarette trying to get one or trying to quit i didnt have zero dollars in my bank account because i didnt have a bank account i had no job no money no friends all i did was write and live with my family and occasionally go to mental hospitals my only problem was a cigarette that was my only problem trying to get one trying to quit thats what consumed my mind when i...

someday someday far away someday close to now there is something i will be doing i will be thinking and writing and shooting photos this is what i do and i do it well for whatever reason—when i take a picture (people like it) when i write a poem (people like it) thats something i have always been able to do—reach beyond the veil and pull something back of meaning i can go into the tigers den and what i bring back are definitely tiger cubs and i feel i have a duty to do this (if not o...

didnt have much but did have a set of pictures id collected over the years ive been doing this in stages—collecting it into the hidden folder to keep it away from the eyes of child friends who use my phone to take pictures and then a couple of days ago i deleted it all didnt want it—didnt need it anymore this is not a judgment on porn—i have zero moral problems with a person or persons using porn but in my case i no longer needed it porn had become another way to pick—which i discovered wa...

i had a blog in my early 20s it started out as a group blog it whittled down to a single-writer blog and then one day i replaced the entire blog with large black text on a white background—the text said alabaster everything and thats it everything in the world (everyone) was alabaster it was translucent (see-through-able) everything was learnable there was a corner at the edge of every thing i encountered—that could be peeled back the thing could be uncovered revealed everything cou...

doing something on the computer—then i remember i spend most of the day lying down—that it hurts to type—that everything hurts (all the time) and i see that i should give myself a break—that its ok that im disabled (that its ok that im collecting money) i managed to type 20 books since i got this disorder (which is a lot of typing) but i doubt i could work as a programmer as the typical keyboard posture hurts me—and those 20 books were done for 2 hours a day (working some months on and some mon...