realizing that im lying down

i have been lying down for most of 10 years (i realize)

ive had td for 10 years (tardive dystonia—which i developed from taking medicine given to me by a hospital that was treating my mental illness)

it gives me uncontrollable muscle movements (my whole body moves on its own in twitches and twists) this makes it hard to walk—in fact it makes everything hard

from standing to falling asleep to typing to washing dishes—td makes my life hard

i do go out—i can stand and walk awkwardly and painfully

but when im home i spend my time lying down (on my stomach) its the way i can get the most still with the least pain

and lately i have been realizing how much time ive spent from 35–45

lying down

face down

having conversations this way

living a relationship

writing and photographing with shaky hands and shoulder pain

(its going pretty well) just cause im lamenting lying down all this time doesnt mean im not making the best of it

it doesnt mean other people dont have it worse

but it is my realization

of my limitation

that i spend my life lying down

this is my shape

my body

i am proud and strong and in fact i have unbelievable skills (even though i do them lying down)

i have learned how to think of my disability—which is—not at all (no more than necessary) dont even give it a thought !! just do what i do and go where i go and accept my abilities exactly as they are

i am still a creature in this world and i deserve to live and seek happiness

today ill be lying down (mostly)

ill be lying on the lovely couches my wife has set up for me

ill be writing to you (dear reader)

and photographing my and my wifes sitting room

i will move slowly and with dignity

i will sleep when i have to

i will love myself

and my body

i am slowed down (by lying down) but i do not have to stop because of it