October 29, 2020•1233 words
Hello, it has been quite some time. Updates regarding the college transfer process: idk what the heck i'm doing nor do I know how i'm doing to frame my application. I did poorly last week on my quizzes and while i can drop them it feels bad that I even have to. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on things and it's starting to spiral. At least I started my first python project which is cool. haven't really touched it since i started it but its whatever. It feels like I want to do so much in one day but theres never enough time nor enough motivation in my body to do it. These are strange times. I was planning on just stopping here but I'll flesh out my feelings. To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind. I cannot fail, I cannot get anything below an A. How the hell am I supposed to do that if I haven't studied seriously ever in my life? Every grade thats above a C in all my high school classes felt like luck. At least I have a nice high iq brain that has subsequently caused me to never think about studying until my sophomore year of high school and by the time i realized it was already too late and im now too far in and just feel left behind from all my peers because they know how to study effectively and in a time efficient manner whereas i cant even find the time to study because im a lazy bum. So what now. It just sucks but I cant make up for lost time. theres nothing i can do about the past and the things ive done. time is a linear thing ya know. (or at least so we think). Realistically i'll end up in community college next year, and transfer to a 4 year. which sucks big doodoo because it means i'm taking an unconventional path in comparison to my peers. How am i supposed to compete... but i've been given so many opportunities and help that i've never taken. I reread all my rejection letters today. it really only made me sadder lol. more depressed. less optimistic. more realistic. I'm so fucked lmao. thinking that i can "just get into stanford" "just transfer :)" "just get a 4.0" "just get into good extracurriculars" "just study" "just become better the instant you go to college". I don't even deserve to be where I am right now. I should be at my local community college, hanging my head in shame. Im nothing but an impostor. talk to pretty much any of my high school friends and you'll realize they're the real deal while I, I am nothing more than the bottom of the barrel of smart people. I still have so much more to go but time just seems to slip right past. If anything, I'll have just known what it's like to live on my own for a bit and return home, become a nurse, live a very normal, average life and die mildly content while my friends will have achieved very respectable success in their fields and all i'll be able to say will be that i knew them in high school and was friends with them. fuck me. But i want that prestige so badly. To be able to show people that I fucking did something. Its just that the work that comes with it seems like a mountain that I wont be able to cross. My heart is fucking torn. I want to just become more of a degenerate, and try to play video games for a living because it sounds way more enjoyable than anything im doing right now. Like thats the one thing that i've been doing that has been a constant in my life : video games. Always there, never ending and I always play long lasting video games too that I can grind over and over again because they'll always be there no matter what. Maplestory and league and tactical shooters haven't completely died ever. they're like ever present games. But if my whole fucking personality is going to be based off the video games i'm playing that won't come off great to college application readers will it. they're not impressed by the 10k hours ive probably put into maple or what rank ive achieved in league. So i turn to the next closest thing which is coding :) and i wont lie its quite interesting being able to make something that you can show off to others. But idk what i'm gonna do with my life. my application is bare as hell right now, i got no one to talk to, and im probably going to get rejected from all the places that I apply to :). I just don't want to return home empty handed. I want to be able to show off a little. I suppose this is just punishment or backlash from the last 4 years of my life that i'm trying to make up in what 6 months. and it SUCKS ASS. maybe thats what i'll portray myself as. A person who speaks the truth, doesn't like to lie, wanting a holistic education, and likes code. pretty dumb LMAOOOOO. im fucking screwed as hell. first off i'm goddamn asian and they really don't need any more of those at top colleges. second of all, i have 0 accolades or accomplishments. like what the fuck? in comparison to some dude who's been working his ass off for the past 2 years at some community college and is el presidente of half the schools clubs, done 2 internships and took time off to join the fucking military, came back with honors and leadership skills and now looking at top colleges like fuck me i look bad. I HAVE NO ANGLE. I AM LITERALLY A FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER THAT ONLY HAS A SENTENCE TO DESCRIBE ME: LIKES VIDEO GAMES, DOESN'T WORK HARD. like goddamn, what about me is fucking appealing. I don't get why people would even like to be around me. maybe its to boost their own fucking ego, there were a bunch of people like that in high school those sick fucks. not that I completely hated high school, i mean i had a pretty decent experience minus the academics part which is really the whole point. If i had just tried a bit harder I SWEAR i couldve gone all the way at some colleges. BUT im too all over the place but that's just who I am i guess. I can't be stuck in one project, in one thing all the time or else I just lose passion. I can't just keep staring at the fucking problem or whatever until i figure it out, i have to switch things up. maybe i deserve to go to community college. i don't know. its all too confusing to figure out who I am while trying to excel in school. im tired, but also trying to be driven. its just that the former is overpowering the latter. I keep trying and trying but really it's not even that. im just toeing the line, stopping after the bare minimum. why? because my 140+ iq 0 study brain says why do things that youre unsure of. and that, is horrifying.