Things haven't really progressed since that last post. Going from school where I always had a clear cut set of goals or things I wanted to achieve in through extracurriculars and now essentially having nothing is really odd. I do my work, get off, play video games, then go to sleep. Then rinse and repeat for 5 days until it's the weekend. At which point I just play a lot more video games. I do go to the gym and occasionally attempt to read. Key word being attempt. But honestly this life feels ...

I've received and signed a full time offer with that start up. Again very grateful. But I still can't get this nagging feeling out of my head that just knows that I should be aiming for something else in life. I feel like I should just be trying to do something else in my life. And not make the end goal being a machine learning engineer at some large tech firm. It sounds really stuck up and honestly it probably is, but I just can't get rid of this feeling that I'm meant to do something else. I...

In my junior year of college, I had a friend who after some heavy contemplation decided to quit the esports team and completely stop playing video games. I think I'm about to do the same thing. But this fucking sucks. If I had graduated a couple of years ago then I likely wouldn't have had this hard of a time finding a job. Or if I had just actually tried to find an internship while in school instead of winging it every year. But now that I'm at home I cannot go a single day without some argumen...

Back home in Chicago. I'm not sure what direction my life will take from here. I think I've solidified my desire to work in software or software adjacent positions. But I think I'll just be working it to live. I now want to figure out what makes me get out of bed in the morning and what really, genuinely interests me. And I think the answer is going to be to continue coaching esports teams in Valorant. I fucking hate how we went out on a loss, and haven't won a single tournament so far. I want t...

Took a road trip that finished yesterday. Went from Chicago to my apartment in San Diego. Thought it would help me with some thinking. And honestly I was pretty close to full sending it into medicine on Monday. But when I came here, I had a thought. So far, in my life, I've never REALLY had to struggle for much. Most things come relatively easily. I learned pretty quickly in school early on and I was pretty fast at learning instruments. But once I hit a struggle point, I either gave up or didn't...

I graduated today. I don't really know if I was particularly happy. It honestly just feels like any other day. I think it's because it just feels like the closing of an entire chapter of my life. I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING NEXT TO GET A FUCKING JOB. CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL ...

Yeah, it didn't end up going my way. I'm not really sure what's next. I'm terrified. This is the first time in my life that there's no clear next step. What the ABSOLUTE FUCK am I supposed to do now. Career wise I'm not sure if continuing this computer science route is for me. It's a creative outlet for math-y folks. I am someone who answers questions not creates them. I think I will become a Physicians Assistant or Doctor, surgical or internal. The more I think on it, the more I think I am ...

In the interviewing process for a company right now that has pretty good base pay for new hires. Hopefully it goes my way. I have an interview in about 8 hours from now. I'm hopeful but realistically I know that my chances are pretty slim. I've even heard that they've filled up their quota for developers for the year so I'm pretty much just wasting my time I suppose. But it's better than nothing. So here's hoping. If I do get this job then I definitely won't be as terrified about graduating. E...

I'm terrified of what comes next. I graduate in a month and a half without a job in this terrible economic climate, world war 3 on the horizon, and am leaving this institution without much change from when I came in. Or, at least, that's how I feel. I've lived the past four years in constant regret. I've always felt like I should've capitalized on more opportunities or done more things. But it's hard to not continue to do so. I don't know what I want to do, my interest wax and wane, and I live e...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. As I usually do whenever I start writing here. And given the state of the job market, and my current skills, I have a very abysmal chance of getting a decent job out of college. And that's pretty terrifying. It's effectively the culmination of years of work and schooling just to be an unemployed 22 year old with 200 thousand dollars of debt. That's pretty sad. It's also sad that the end result of the education system is to grind the corporate ladder in s...

Reading back on a lot of these posts, most of them are pretty depressing. haha. I guess I really only use this blog to vent out my frustrations and inadequacies. Really wish there was a reset button or time machine. Not that I could really do much better or fix a lot of stuff, but I just want to try a bit harder. I just wish I was able to do more. It feels awful looking back and regretting not having done more. If it's such a consistent problem I sometimes think I have some sort of mental diso...

I can't stop thinking about what I'll do after I graduate. I feel awful having spent these last four years in the way that I have. I've had 0 motivation, 0 drive to do anything but think about video games, and even that hasn't turned into anything fruitful. I'm so afraid of committing to something, to really put all my eggs in one basket that I end up doing nothing at all, or just a half assed job at a bunch of things. And because of that I'm leaving university with more debt than probably any o...

I just don't want to be mediocre in the things I care about anymore. I want to be able to put in the work. I want to become better day after day. What the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't put in the work for something I actually care about. ...

How do you decide to pursue something? The only real thing I want to do is just while away my time while playing video games and consuming content on the internet. Which, admittedly. probably isn't a good thing. But, nothing really appeals to me. I think the closest thing would be working in the esports scene, probably in competitive operations or something in that vein. Academically, probably interpretability research in machine learning. Of these options, or any derivative of these options,...

I am currently in class. I am interested yet also not interested at all. It's like I want to know this information but the way the professor approaches the material is as if we are children. Perhaps I am a child. I mean, I'm literally not paying attention to a lecture that I paid for. That level of idiocy would likely only be found in children. Right? I haven't found an internship, and my plans for the summer are pretty wide open. I'm honestly so lost. Maybe I should write my thoughts more ofte...

It's been quite some time. It honestly feels bad only coming to write when I feel sad or some extreme emotion. Unfortunately, this is another one of those times. I've calculated my path to graduating, and I could theoretically be done in just a few more months. That's extremely terrifying to someone who has absolutely no clue what they're going to do after college. I'm faced with real world consequences and real world events. I don't know if I'll be able to find a "regular" job after this. My fr...

I've thought about it a little bit more, and to be honest I'm lost. I already know that there's no one who has all the answers, or that will give me a golden ticket. I understand this. But damn if I wish that could happen to me. I just want someone to take a chance on me, give me an opportunity at a higher level, and I'll do everything else from there. Issue with that is, I know I wouldn't have technically earned it. I would have gotten extremely lucky. But after hearing so many stories of how p...

I have currently decided to go down the route of esports. I'll be working as a manager for teams, guns blazing for this next month. If I don't feel like I will have a future after this month, I think I'll just drop the idea all together. Which seems like a pretty shitty plan considering I, myself, can't really do much to stand out. It's pretty reliant on finding a really good team that can rise through the ranks. And those teams are hard to come by. But, right now, looking at things objectively,...

I don't really have much to say, but I felt like I should write something. I'm a bit worried as to how I'm approaching my future. I have no clue whether or not I'm taking the right steps. I have no clue whether or not I'm even going into the right field. I'm a little lost right now. But I'm just going to take slow and steady steps forward in the midst of everything I'm doing right now. If things pan out, great. If they don't, well, it's worrying but not the end of the world. I just want to feel ...

I feel like I'm in a state of emotional turmoil. After having to deal with essentially a fight between children, coming to terms with the fact that I will never see my aunt again, poorly attempting to move on from a crush, and just the stress that comes with procrastinating, my subconsciousness probably isn't having the best of times. I could be depressed. That's a very real possibility. Maybe I'm fine and I'm just trying to cope. I watched a video on gifted kids and some psychology behind the...

I have the notification that an update is available (i'm on mac) and there's literally no button to actually update. It's pretty annoying. I can't lie. I do still have lingering feelings of the person I liked. Well "like" I guess is the grammatically correct verb. But it's definitely lessened. Especially with some more things I've learned about her which aren't particularly good. One could say that they're actually pretty bad. But it's a bit up for interpretation. I had to deal with a pretty...

I've thought about it more, and it sucks. It really just feels bad. But, there's not much I want to do about it. I'm too conflict-averse to ever consider pushing the issue. Why risk something that I'm fine with right now for something that's not at least more probable to happen than not. Whoa that phrase is wack. But I think that's reasonable and logical. Usually things that don't apply to love. But, it's how I operate, and how I'll continue to operate. Maybe I'll feel strongly enough about some...

oh thank god. she's seeing somebody. this makes my life so much easier to live. holy fuck. It's like a huge weight off my chest. It's one less thing to worry about. I can just be a friend. I can't lie that it does suck because I like her. But, thankfully I don't have to think about the what ifs or any hypotheticals if they can't happen. I can be me. Although it might seem bad for me it's such a big worry that I don't even have to think about anymore. It's bittersweet but a little more sweet th...

I looked over what I wrote yesterday, and holy shit I sound like a pretentious asshole. Please never let me write anything after 12 AM. So then what am I going to do? I'm going to be nice. Courteous. Respectful. Treat her like everyone else. Act normal. If anything happens, great. If nothing does, great. Thinking and stressing about something like this messed me up last quarter with my studies and work. I don't want that to keep happening. Whether that means managing my emotions better, or con...

Do you know whats scary about falling for someone? You fail to become objective about them. Any red flags, any personality trait that hints at something more dangerous, literally anything that would normally irk you about a person, you become blind to it. I've always prided myself on being objective. Logical. Being able to see things as they truly are, rather than being blinded by emotion. But holy fuck. How are you supposed to do that when all you want to look at is how pretty or funny or whate...

Ya know, school is a lot easier than I thought. Maybe that's a stretch. I didn't do amazing this quarter, but I definitely performed better than I thought I would have going in. It's the summer now, and I'm juggling 4 different things: work, research, summer school, and running an esports club/team. It's definitely keeping me busy, and I feel tired every day. But, I think this is a good experience for me. Something about having all of this work to do is fun. It's like the saying "forged in flame...

Hello. It has been an eventful few months. I have acquired a research position at my university, as well as a job! So things are on the up. Honestly I think it was more of a me being cooped up in my room problem than anything. Meeting new people, doing new things, working to become more active within my life. I have a really optimistic outlook right now. I think I could put a little more effort to my studies, but things are ok right now. I am cautiously happy, a little stressed, but I have an i...

If there's any oI'm writing my college applications and if there's any one moment I'd love to talk about but it's probably not worth the hassle it's when I got bullied. I feel like it was such a huge part of why I am the way I am now, and it just feels wrong to not discuss it at least a bit. But i have no idea how to approach it. So, here's the raw unedited story, and maybe along the way I'll figure out how to use it :D High school. A key few years in the life of a student. It decides a lot in ...

I did not do well this quarter in terms of grades. Oh well. But, I think I definitely improved in terms of what I need to do in order to be successful in an academic setting. Going out and studying in an environment where everyone was just working hard rather than where there was a ton of discussion and chaos was really helpful. Whenever I try to write it feels really awkward. I just can't seem to get all the things I feel onto the page. I want to so badly just pour what I am onto the page bu...

I spent most of the day working today. Outside my dorm room. Felt good. Ending this semester with a final push. Hope it goes well. ...

The more I think, the more my to-do list grows, the more my dreams seem literally impossible, and the more my head hurts. I can't focus, I can't do homework, I can't live normally. It's all just so hard. I need a break. please. Maybe I'm fucking bipolar. I have such good highs, awful lows, or maybe it's adhd. fuck if i know. i have too many questions, and no answers. who the fuck has the answers. ...

I've decided that I'd like to study abroad next year, whether it's in the fall or spring semester. Preferably a Korean university since I'd like to see what life is like in my ethnic country. Really that's the only reason why, plus it'd be interesting to see what kind of students get into Korea's top universities and kind of measure myself up to them. Which in a way is a really weird reason to go. As if I'm trying to prove to myself a couple of things: 1, that I am as smart or smarter than the a...

I am writing this while procrastinating on homework and the 5 lectures i need to watch in order to complete it, along with one of the supposedly hardest coding assignments so far. Wonderful. I think I'm slowly settling into a rhythm, but honestly I still have a lot of hesitation in terms of what I'd like to aim for after college. I think pursuing something in ML/AI would be really cool and interesting but it doesn't feel "right" you know? Even this minute sort of rhythm I'm sort of starting to f...

Hello internet. I'm currently at school. With everyone having returned onto campus, it's definitely different from last year. I'd like to cautiously say that it makes the school better, but the negatives definitely outweigh the positives. I'm still looking to transfer schools, but I'll actually be looking to attend reasonable universities with higher acceptance rates for transfers. Currently the list is Northwestern, USC, Vanderbilt, and possibly WashU but holy god that school is so boring. Apol...

It feels like it has been a while, but it's only been about a month. I've finished my job at the Amazon warehouse and I will be studying at home this quarter. I still plan on taking computer science courses but I think I need to think bigger picture. I still have no clue what I'd like to pursue in the future, and. it feels like I'm lying to myself by saying that becoming a software engineer is my path. A video I just watched by a psychiatrist who focuses on helping video gamers says that I sho...

Well, I think I'm going to continue this programming thing. I still don't know DS and A, but I applied to an internship at a FAANG company with the help of a referral. I know those don't really do much and I need to put in a lot of work myself, but at least it'll get me read! Being busy with finding housing for the next school year, work, and just general life has just left my head spinning. I just want to relax and play video games but I know that eventually the interview will loom forth and i...

I feel lost. Especially in terms of what I'd like to do career wise. It feels as if most of the people around me have sort of solidified what they'd like to study and how they're planning on using their studies to find a job. I still don't know what I'd like to do. I found that being a product manager could be interesting but honestly I'm not sure if I'd even like the role. Of course the response to this could easily be "oh you haven't even gotten a job as one yet." Well, neither have any of my ...

I have no clue what I want to do after college. I realized my mom is still a tiger mom today. Forever trying to live vicariously through me, wanting to show me off, screaming at me for not fitting into her timeline for me. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing. I'm leaning towards bad. I've gotten rejected from colleges, and now even jobs for the summer. I can't feel sorry for myself or mope because then I'll get yelled at. I have to watch what I say or I'll get yelled at. I have to beco...

I've moved past colleges more or less, and am just looking toward working to the future. I hope to become a product manager, earning enough to support myself as well as have enough to give my mom the luxuries she deserves. And I suppose before you read any further, I just watched a movie with suicidal themes and it really made me think about my own life. So, be prepared. I've had suicidal thoughts before, well, i don't know how close they count to real but I suppose they did come up. It was aro...

I've officially been rejected by every school I applied to. Unfortunate. I'm currently planning on attending my local community college next year to sort of "offset" the cost of college this year. It'll also be much more comfortable for me. I don't have much else to say. Bit sad, worried, disappointed etc. I suppose I'll just try again next year. ...

So uh, I may have skipped an entire month. Looking back though, it was pretty uneventful. I just did the same thing over and over again for a month. I'm almost positive that my brain has rotted a bit from that haha. I'm still waiting on college decisions even though it's been almost two months. Which I suppose is still reasonable but my anxiety says no. Ah well, I suppose I have gotten two decisions but I expected no's from them: Stanford and MIT. They were long shots anyway and I didn't want ...

It has certainly been a crazy month. Well, I suppose not too crazy but stressful I'd say. I finally got my professor to turn in his letter of recommendation due to him thinking it was due a month later than it actually was. And now I'm just playing the waiting game. I gotta say, the quarter system moves by super quickly. Not sure yet if I like it or not in comparison to semester, but as of now it's not so bad. One thing I have yet to experience though are midterms so it'll probably be a bit mo...

It's now the month of March, and I still have a lot of worries regarding this transfer application process. I turned in Johns Hopkins already, and I still have a few more essays to write. I decided that WashU just doesn't interest me as a school and I added MIT secretly without telling my parents. It's sort of consuming my life at this point and is the only thing I can think about. I literally have zero interest in school work. This quarter is coming to a close and it's just so hard to pay atten...

Hmm it appears that the month of january is over and we are 10, almost 11 days into february. I was stressed out of my mind because of everything on my plate. I wanted to do well in school + work on my own projects + join a project team + work on college applications + have time for myself. I ended up dropping my personal project since I thought it was the thing that probably mattered the least. I'm still really really worried about my college applications, there's just so much work I have to d...

Haha, I thought I would write more but I suppose I lied. I've decided to pour most of my efforts into transferring to Northwestern since it fits a lot of what I'm looking for. I still have a lot of work to do. There's the quarter which is starting tomorrow, the essays that I still have to write, and the coding projects that I still have to work on. I'm honestly not sure how I survived in high school. I'm thinking that my essays the first time around weren't up to par with what they were looking ...

I told myself that I would write here more since I'm on break so here I am. I've finalized my list of schools: Stanford (haha not gonna happen), Northwestern, WashU, Johns Hopkins, and Rice. Of them all I think I have a decent shot at WashU and Northwestern so here's hoping. For Stanford I'll probably be blunt and very matter of fact in my essays. I'll put forth enough effort that I'll have a little hope but I know that's probably not going to happen. I'm currently starting up a new project whic...

Ayyyy, a 2 for 1 special. I think for this post, it'll be more fleshed out rather than sort of the stream of consciousness that it usually is. Maybe. It probably will be just with slightly more structure. I wasn't really able to express myself or really understand who I was in high school, and even now I'm not really sure what defines ME. I mean, for a high schooler, or really anyone at my age, how are we supposed to choose what we're going to do for the rest of our lives? Obviously I understa...

I'm currently procrastinating on some work that I have to get done by midnight tonight but oh well, I really wanted somewhere to put my thoughts. I'm starting to look into how I can maximize my transfer chances and for a CS major, the options are pretty slim. I mean, in recent times CS or some variation of it is probably the most popular major among the top 20 colleges in the US. So, it's pretty tough to find schools that will take CS majors so they can add to their program. Honestly, some of th...

It has been exactly one whole month since my last post. That's certainly quite some time, and a lot has happened in the span of a month. I've really progressed in my coding adventures and i got a part time job for a discord server which is really cool. My stock program is pretty close to done, just have to work on removing data after there's enough points. Personally, i've found that I still have a lot of growing up to do especially in terms of managing my time. I really just want to be a degene...

This week has been relatively uneventful. I reflected a little more on whether politics and that whole shabang is really something i'd be interested in and I came to the conclusion that it's probably something that's just a side interest. I don't know, maybe it's just because I've been using computers my whole life and I've spent so much of my life revolved around the screen. Hell, I spent so much time on the computer I found bitcoin when it was relatively young in middle school. I don't really ...

Today I have come to the conclusion that I have no clue what I want to study in college. See, i've been around computers my whole life. So, I thought the logical continuation would be to go into computer science or something of that nature. But when I think about what I would really like to do, like really really get down to it, I don't know if I could just sit and type on a keyboard for the next 40 years of my life. Wow, just typing that number makes it even worse. So back to the search we go. ...

ah, i've been given some sage advice: perhaps college is not for me. well, the asian in me says that such information is false and that kind of language cannot be tolerated in this brain. Perhaps, though, its possible, that college isn't for me. I don't know it's scary thinking that. I don't know what I'd do or how my mom would react. Well i suppose i would, it'd be immediate retaliation. I guess the question is, if colleges got shut down tomorrow where would I go? To be honest, I'd work in the ...

Hello, it has been quite some time. Updates regarding the college transfer process: idk what the heck i'm doing nor do I know how i'm doing to frame my application. I did poorly last week on my quizzes and while i can drop them it feels bad that I even have to. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on things and it's starting to spiral. At least I started my first python project which is cool. haven't really touched it since i started it but its whatever. It feels like I want to do so much in on...

After discussion with a friend who currently attends stanford, I think I might add it to the list. I did get rejected by them before but they fulfill a lot of what I'm looking for in terms of a holistic education. But, none of this is going to pan out if I don't work harder in school. Grades above all, then essays, then we'll have to see about these extracurriculars. I still don't really have a clear idea of what I want to portray on my application. One clear theme. But that's something for futu...

Well I've narrowed down my college transfer list to three schools: UChicago, Northwestern, and Harvard. Kind of a bare list but the only other two schools Rice and Stanford, I feel, are just too far for me. I don't want to have this feeling of just being lost and too far from home. I don't really know what I want out of school but god if this dumb cognitive science class doesn't do it for me. Like, after the first week of this class I realized that I need to learn something technical. I need to ...

I can't seem to find the motivation to really do much nowadays. I feel sad and I just feel like I'm not meant to be at this school. I don't know what to do except just bury myself in my old habits of video games. I can sort of see myself beginning to spiral down into a hole where I just get terrible grades, drop out, end up at community college and end up just becoming a nurse. Honestly, I'm a bit scared. I'm too far from home. As much as I thought that this would be nice, I think I made the wro...

I'm hoping to really get the basics of python down pat. But if I'm going to be honest I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Not too sure what I'll do for my first project. I should definitely start one though before the end of the quarter. ...

I'm not really sure how this will go but I think having a space for the next year to discuss my thoughts will be nice to have. ...