Note 34

Do you know whats scary about falling for someone? You fail to become objective about them. Any red flags, any personality trait that hints at something more dangerous, literally anything that would normally irk you about a person, you become blind to it. I've always prided myself on being objective. Logical. Being able to see things as they truly are, rather than being blinded by emotion. But holy fuck. How are you supposed to do that when all you want to look at is how pretty or funny or whatever the fuck you like about this person is. I want to dislike her. I really do.

We have a lot of similarities that I've found. If you're a romantic then I'd say if you knew me personally, and her personally, you'd say that it wouldn't be a bad match. We share a lot of common interests, and even in those interests we share very random similarities. But that's really fucking scary. It's weird to have so many similarities. Like, it might not be an insane amount where it's like we're living the same lives, but it's still odd. Then, it makes sense right? I should be happy about this right? So why do I hate it? I guess hate is a strong word. It give me pause. It makes me think: this is a little too good to be true.

Maybe I'm just being a little bitch. I should just ask her out. But the problem is, we interact so much that if she says no, then it would be kind of awkward. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Hey, I might sound like an asshole a lot of the time, but I at least have a bit of empathy. It's not fair to her, and myself I suppose, to create a situation in which we're uncomfortable with each other but are forced to talk or spend time with each other. But I guess if I knew for sure then what am I even doing here talking about it. Is this even worth discussing? I don't know.

And of course, the age old question: does she even feel the same about me. Personally, I don't think so. But I guess most people think that huh. I feel like asking someone out with the expectation that they'll say yes is pretty out there. I'd give a lot to know how she feels. But the only way to know, is to ask. I know this. But, I just can't bring myself to do it. Even if I do miss the window of opportunity.

I mean, I guess this is a bad move, but I really just don't want to take the risk. At least for now. There's not much reason to, if I'm going to be honest. Yes obviously it'd be to tell someone how I feel and get it off my chest, but if it comes at the expense of the recipient and myself, then I'd rather not. Especially since I get the feeling I would get shot down. And I won't lie, it sucks. I've never been proficient in telling someone how I feel. I grew up bottling that shit up. Emotions are hard to deal with. Ignoring them and playing video games as an escape is much easier. But putting it in writing, explaining how I feel, it helps.

Maybe one of you knows what I should do. Maybe you're wrong though, so fuck your advice. What do you know. Probably more than me. Sorry about that. I just don't really know how to proceed. The cynic inside me just wants to find one big fault, nitpick at it, and hope to god that it's enough to make me not like her any more. But there's a part of me that's hopeful. I need to squash that fucker into the dirt.