Note 33

Ya know, school is a lot easier than I thought. Maybe that's a stretch. I didn't do amazing this quarter, but I definitely performed better than I thought I would have going in. It's the summer now, and I'm juggling 4 different things: work, research, summer school, and running an esports club/team. It's definitely keeping me busy, and I feel tired every day. But, I think this is a good experience for me. Something about having all of this work to do is fun. It's like the saying "forged in flames". Whether that's me being honest or me wishing it's like that with my subconscious screaming for me to drop something... who knows. I really do hope it's the former. If I could drop anything it would probably be summer school, but that's one of the ones I really can't drop. So it'd probably be running the esports team. Which I find really fun, but if I can't fit it in, then I can't. Which really sucks to think about.

I suppose another small development, and I mean really small, is that I found someone I like. Romantically. mhm. yeah. Feels weird to write out. To be honest, I get these crushes often. I will get caught up thinking about one person for a while. But do I do anything about how I feel? No. I have no balls. Self esteem not very high. Plus, it's someone I would like to keep being friends with afterwards. I don't want to risk having something turn sour just because I misread or fucked up. I don't think that's fair to her... or me for that matter. So, I'll just keep hoping for some ridiculously large, unmissable hint or just keep on being friends. :) It's ok. People come and go in your life. Obviously I've never been in a romantic relationship, but really I don't mind. It's not that I think I'm too good for a relationship or think they're a sham. It's just something that I've never given much thought about. It'd be nice, but I just feel such a large emotional immaturity within myself that I don't think I should try to enter a relationship. Using someone to improve your emotional maturity seems like a poor way to start a relationship.

The more I talk with others, experience new things, the more I realize there's a lot out there I've yet to do and that there's so much I could do. It's daunting and honestly scary. I'm on track to graduate in about a year and a few months, and honestly the idea is horrifying. I can't imagine being out there on my own, working a 9-5. It's scary. I guess a lot of people think this way. Can't imagine there are a lot of people graduating feeling super self-assured. Hopefully this next year will help me grow a little more. Only issue with graduating early is that there's still a lot I'd like to do. But graduating early would push that all back :( It kinda sucks but I really can't justify the insane cost that is college. Maybe I'll just work in the area so I can be around my friends. Who knows.

Hopefully things work out in my favor. Or at least mostly in my favor. Can't really do much except do the work in front of me and hope for the best. Best of luck to both of us.