Denny

I've received and signed a full time offer with that start up. Again very grateful. But I still can't get this nagging feeling out of my head that just knows that I should be aiming for something else in life. I feel like I should just be trying to do something else in my life. And not make the end goal being a machine learning engineer at some large tech firm. It sounds really stuck up and honestly it probably is, but I just can't get rid of this feeling that I'm meant to do something else. I...

In my junior year of college, I had a friend who after some heavy contemplation decided to quit the esports team and completely stop playing video games. I think I'm about to do the same thing. But this fucking sucks. If I had graduated a couple of years ago then I likely wouldn't have had this hard of a time finding a job. Or if I had just actually tried to find an internship while in school instead of winging it every year. But now that I'm at home I cannot go a single day without some argumen...

Back home in Chicago. I'm not sure what direction my life will take from here. I think I've solidified my desire to work in software or software adjacent positions. But I think I'll just be working it to live. I now want to figure out what makes me get out of bed in the morning and what really, genuinely interests me. And I think the answer is going to be to continue coaching esports teams in Valorant. I fucking hate how we went out on a loss, and haven't won a single tournament so far. I want t...

Took a road trip that finished yesterday. Went from Chicago to my apartment in San Diego. Thought it would help me with some thinking. And honestly I was pretty close to full sending it into medicine on Monday. But when I came here, I had a thought. So far, in my life, I've never REALLY had to struggle for much. Most things come relatively easily. I learned pretty quickly in school early on and I was pretty fast at learning instruments. But once I hit a struggle point, I either gave up or didn't...

I graduated today. I don't really know if I was particularly happy. It honestly just feels like any other day. I think it's because it just feels like the closing of an entire chapter of my life. I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING NEXT TO GET A FUCKING JOB. CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL CS OR MED SCHOOL ...

Yeah, it didn't end up going my way. I'm not really sure what's next. I'm terrified. This is the first time in my life that there's no clear next step. What the ABSOLUTE FUCK am I supposed to do now. Career wise I'm not sure if continuing this computer science route is for me. It's a creative outlet for math-y folks. I am someone who answers questions not creates them. I think I will become a Physicians Assistant or Doctor, surgical or internal. The more I think on it, the more I think I am ...

In the interviewing process for a company right now that has pretty good base pay for new hires. Hopefully it goes my way. I have an interview in about 8 hours from now. I'm hopeful but realistically I know that my chances are pretty slim. I've even heard that they've filled up their quota for developers for the year so I'm pretty much just wasting my time I suppose. But it's better than nothing. So here's hoping. If I do get this job then I definitely won't be as terrified about graduating. E...

I'm terrified of what comes next. I graduate in a month and a half without a job in this terrible economic climate, world war 3 on the horizon, and am leaving this institution without much change from when I came in. Or, at least, that's how I feel. I've lived the past four years in constant regret. I've always felt like I should've capitalized on more opportunities or done more things. But it's hard to not continue to do so. I don't know what I want to do, my interest wax and wane, and I live e...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. As I usually do whenever I start writing here. And given the state of the job market, and my current skills, I have a very abysmal chance of getting a decent job out of college. And that's pretty terrifying. It's effectively the culmination of years of work and schooling just to be an unemployed 22 year old with 200 thousand dollars of debt. That's pretty sad. It's also sad that the end result of the education system is to grind the corporate ladder in s...

Reading back on a lot of these posts, most of them are pretty depressing. haha. I guess I really only use this blog to vent out my frustrations and inadequacies. Really wish there was a reset button or time machine. Not that I could really do much better or fix a lot of stuff, but I just want to try a bit harder. I just wish I was able to do more. It feels awful looking back and regretting not having done more. If it's such a consistent problem I sometimes think I have some sort of mental diso...

I can't stop thinking about what I'll do after I graduate. I feel awful having spent these last four years in the way that I have. I've had 0 motivation, 0 drive to do anything but think about video games, and even that hasn't turned into anything fruitful. I'm so afraid of committing to something, to really put all my eggs in one basket that I end up doing nothing at all, or just a half assed job at a bunch of things. And because of that I'm leaving university with more debt than probably any o...

I just don't want to be mediocre in the things I care about anymore. I want to be able to put in the work. I want to become better day after day. What the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't put in the work for something I actually care about. ...

How do you decide to pursue something? The only real thing I want to do is just while away my time while playing video games and consuming content on the internet. Which, admittedly. probably isn't a good thing. But, nothing really appeals to me. I think the closest thing would be working in the esports scene, probably in competitive operations or something in that vein. Academically, probably interpretability research in machine learning. Of these options, or any derivative of these options,...

I am currently in class. I am interested yet also not interested at all. It's like I want to know this information but the way the professor approaches the material is as if we are children. Perhaps I am a child. I mean, I'm literally not paying attention to a lecture that I paid for. That level of idiocy would likely only be found in children. Right? I haven't found an internship, and my plans for the summer are pretty wide open. I'm honestly so lost. Maybe I should write my thoughts more ofte...

It's been quite some time. It honestly feels bad only coming to write when I feel sad or some extreme emotion. Unfortunately, this is another one of those times. I've calculated my path to graduating, and I could theoretically be done in just a few more months. That's extremely terrifying to someone who has absolutely no clue what they're going to do after college. I'm faced with real world consequences and real world events. I don't know if I'll be able to find a "regular" job after this. My fr...

I've thought about it a little bit more, and to be honest I'm lost. I already know that there's no one who has all the answers, or that will give me a golden ticket. I understand this. But damn if I wish that could happen to me. I just want someone to take a chance on me, give me an opportunity at a higher level, and I'll do everything else from there. Issue with that is, I know I wouldn't have technically earned it. I would have gotten extremely lucky. But after hearing so many stories of how p...

I have currently decided to go down the route of esports. I'll be working as a manager for teams, guns blazing for this next month. If I don't feel like I will have a future after this month, I think I'll just drop the idea all together. Which seems like a pretty shitty plan considering I, myself, can't really do much to stand out. It's pretty reliant on finding a really good team that can rise through the ranks. And those teams are hard to come by. But, right now, looking at things objectively,...

I don't really have much to say, but I felt like I should write something. I'm a bit worried as to how I'm approaching my future. I have no clue whether or not I'm taking the right steps. I have no clue whether or not I'm even going into the right field. I'm a little lost right now. But I'm just going to take slow and steady steps forward in the midst of everything I'm doing right now. If things pan out, great. If they don't, well, it's worrying but not the end of the world. I just want to feel ...

I feel like I'm in a state of emotional turmoil. After having to deal with essentially a fight between children, coming to terms with the fact that I will never see my aunt again, poorly attempting to move on from a crush, and just the stress that comes with procrastinating, my subconsciousness probably isn't having the best of times. I could be depressed. That's a very real possibility. Maybe I'm fine and I'm just trying to cope. I watched a video on gifted kids and some psychology behind the...

I have the notification that an update is available (i'm on mac) and there's literally no button to actually update. It's pretty annoying. I can't lie. I do still have lingering feelings of the person I liked. Well "like" I guess is the grammatically correct verb. But it's definitely lessened. Especially with some more things I've learned about her which aren't particularly good. One could say that they're actually pretty bad. But it's a bit up for interpretation. I had to deal with a pretty...

I've thought about it more, and it sucks. It really just feels bad. But, there's not much I want to do about it. I'm too conflict-averse to ever consider pushing the issue. Why risk something that I'm fine with right now for something that's not at least more probable to happen than not. Whoa that phrase is wack. But I think that's reasonable and logical. Usually things that don't apply to love. But, it's how I operate, and how I'll continue to operate. Maybe I'll feel strongly enough about some...

oh thank god. she's seeing somebody. this makes my life so much easier to live. holy fuck. It's like a huge weight off my chest. It's one less thing to worry about. I can just be a friend. I can't lie that it does suck because I like her. But, thankfully I don't have to think about the what ifs or any hypotheticals if they can't happen. I can be me. Although it might seem bad for me it's such a big worry that I don't even have to think about anymore. It's bittersweet but a little more sweet th...

I looked over what I wrote yesterday, and holy shit I sound like a pretentious asshole. Please never let me write anything after 12 AM. So then what am I going to do? I'm going to be nice. Courteous. Respectful. Treat her like everyone else. Act normal. If anything happens, great. If nothing does, great. Thinking and stressing about something like this messed me up last quarter with my studies and work. I don't want that to keep happening. Whether that means managing my emotions better, or con...

Do you know whats scary about falling for someone? You fail to become objective about them. Any red flags, any personality trait that hints at something more dangerous, literally anything that would normally irk you about a person, you become blind to it. I've always prided myself on being objective. Logical. Being able to see things as they truly are, rather than being blinded by emotion. But holy fuck. How are you supposed to do that when all you want to look at is how pretty or funny or whate...

Ya know, school is a lot easier than I thought. Maybe that's a stretch. I didn't do amazing this quarter, but I definitely performed better than I thought I would have going in. It's the summer now, and I'm juggling 4 different things: work, research, summer school, and running an esports club/team. It's definitely keeping me busy, and I feel tired every day. But, I think this is a good experience for me. Something about having all of this work to do is fun. It's like the saying "forged in flame...

Hello. It has been an eventful few months. I have acquired a research position at my university, as well as a job! So things are on the up. Honestly I think it was more of a me being cooped up in my room problem than anything. Meeting new people, doing new things, working to become more active within my life. I have a really optimistic outlook right now. I think I could put a little more effort to my studies, but things are ok right now. I am cautiously happy, a little stressed, but I have an i...

If there's any oI'm writing my college applications and if there's any one moment I'd love to talk about but it's probably not worth the hassle it's when I got bullied. I feel like it was such a huge part of why I am the way I am now, and it just feels wrong to not discuss it at least a bit. But i have no idea how to approach it. So, here's the raw unedited story, and maybe along the way I'll figure out how to use it :D High school. A key few years in the life of a student. It decides a lot in ...

I did not do well this quarter in terms of grades. Oh well. But, I think I definitely improved in terms of what I need to do in order to be successful in an academic setting. Going out and studying in an environment where everyone was just working hard rather than where there was a ton of discussion and chaos was really helpful. Whenever I try to write it feels really awkward. I just can't seem to get all the things I feel onto the page. I want to so badly just pour what I am onto the page bu...

I spent most of the day working today. Outside my dorm room. Felt good. Ending this semester with a final push. Hope it goes well. ...

The more I think, the more my to-do list grows, the more my dreams seem literally impossible, and the more my head hurts. I can't focus, I can't do homework, I can't live normally. It's all just so hard. I need a break. please. Maybe I'm fucking bipolar. I have such good highs, awful lows, or maybe it's adhd. fuck if i know. i have too many questions, and no answers. who the fuck has the answers. ...