D

Denny

No filter, just thoughts coming from a Gen Z-er

Note 40

I don't really have much to say, but I felt like I should write something. I'm a bit worried as to how I'm approaching my future. I have no clue whether or not I'm taking the right steps. I have no clue whether or not I'm even going into the right field. I'm a little lost right now. But I'm just going to take slow and steady steps forward in the midst of everything I'm doing right now. If things pan out, great. If they don't, well, it's worrying but not the end of the world. I just want to feel secure and happy.

Note 39

I feel like I'm in a state of emotional turmoil. After having to deal with essentially a fight between children, coming to terms with the fact that I will never see my aunt again, poorly attempting to move on from a crush, and just the stress that comes with procrastinating, my subconsciousness probably isn't having the best of times.

I could be depressed. That's a very real possibility. Maybe I'm fine and I'm just trying to cope. I watched a video on gifted kids and some psychology behind them. It mainly discussed how out of touch we are with our emotions. Have to say that I agree. I feel like I'm improving at dealing with emotions, but in terms of recognizing how I feel, not so much. I also would like to point out that dealing and expressing emotion are two separate abilities, and I cannot express emotions well either.

I think the worst part is that I don't feel close enough to anyone to vent all these thoughts and feelings to. I think having someone like that would be nice. Will such a thing happen? Probably not. Opening myself up to people has always lead to them leaving, usually not of their own accord so there's really no point in doing so. Obviously yes, the occasions in which those things happened are unrelated and correlation does not imply causation but I can't help but be like this. It's also just hard to just dump all these things onto someone who's not prepared nor vested in you.

Who knows. Maybe one of my friends is emotionally available for something like this. But all the people I talk to are at least somewhat tied to my problems. Well maybe except 1. But I don't think it's right to dump everything onto him either. Maybe separating my issues amongst the people I talk to is better. Not a half bad idea. Will I act on this? Likely not. I just keep my true feelings close to me. So unless directly asked in a more 1 on 1 setting, I probably wouldn't just go and tell anyone.

This sucks. But I understand that by improving this one aspect of my life can be very helpful down the line. It's just hard to juggle everything while also trying to improve myself.

Note 38

I have the notification that an update is available (i'm on mac) and there's literally no button to actually update. It's pretty annoying.

I can't lie. I do still have lingering feelings of the person I liked. Well "like" I guess is the grammatically correct verb. But it's definitely lessened. Especially with some more things I've learned about her which aren't particularly good. One could say that they're actually pretty bad. But it's a bit up for interpretation.

I had to deal with a pretty intense situation with my esports team yesterday. That was extremely emotionally draining, coupled with the fact that my flight home to attend my recently deceased aunt's funeral was cancelled, I am just not really having the best time. At least the professor of my new summer class is interesting. Or at least isn't boring and hard to listen to.

To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing today. I just feel like I needed to type. I just feel drained. I feel... apathy? I'm not sure. It's not emotionless, but I can't really say that it's just being tired or exhausted. Well I am feeling a bit tired. I don't really know. I'm a bit out of touch with my feelings as you can tell.

I kinda wish I just booked a flight at a bit later of a time and just went home where I'm fully comfortable and I don't need to think about what to eat. But, my gut told me to stay put. Whether that's the right move or not, I don't know. But here's hoping. It really is hard being proud of my logical thinking when sometimes I just throw logic out the window.

Maybe I just want to be held and feel loved. Don't we all?

I think I'm going to just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep. Til next time.

Note 37

I've thought about it more, and it sucks. It really just feels bad. But, there's not much I want to do about it. I'm too conflict-averse to ever consider pushing the issue. Why risk something that I'm fine with right now for something that's not at least more probable to happen than not. Whoa that phrase is wack. But I think that's reasonable and logical. Usually things that don't apply to love. But, it's how I operate, and how I'll continue to operate. Maybe I'll feel strongly enough about someone in the future to forgo logic. But because of the number of interactions we'll have, and just knowing the fallout of what happened when someone else got rejected by her, it just doesn't make sense to take that risk. And while it does really really hurt, I think I just need to accept it. There's not much else to really say.

It sucks. Oh well. I'll move on. Maybe not now, in a week, month, or year, but eventually. I'll be ok. And at least for now, that's all I really need.

Note 36

oh thank god. she's seeing somebody. this makes my life so much easier to live. holy fuck.

It's like a huge weight off my chest. It's one less thing to worry about. I can just be a friend. I can't lie that it does suck because I like her. But, thankfully I don't have to think about the what ifs or any hypotheticals if they can't happen. I can be me. Although it might seem bad for me it's such a big worry that I don't even have to think about anymore. It's bittersweet but a little more sweet than bitter.

Note 35

I looked over what I wrote yesterday, and holy shit I sound like a pretentious asshole. Please never let me write anything after 12 AM.

So then what am I going to do? I'm going to be nice. Courteous. Respectful. Treat her like everyone else. Act normal. If anything happens, great. If nothing does, great. Thinking and stressing about something like this messed me up last quarter with my studies and work. I don't want that to keep happening. Whether that means managing my emotions better, or confronting my feelings, or expressing them, I need to have a better hold on my emotions.

I guess in a way, I'm moving on. I don't think being hung up on this is helping me in any way, shape, or form. So, I won't. I'm better than this. And I will be better than this.

I can't lie that part of me does wish that she'd give me a hint. Or maybe she has and I'm just missing it. In any case, I think it'd be nice. But, as I said earlier, focusing on this isn't really helping me. There are other things that need my attention, and this is something I can just put on backburner.

God, I really hope the person I'm talking about doesn't find this in the future or at least doesn't know about this.

Note 34

Do you know whats scary about falling for someone? You fail to become objective about them. Any red flags, any personality trait that hints at something more dangerous, literally anything that would normally irk you about a person, you become blind to it. I've always prided myself on being objective. Logical. Being able to see things as they truly are, rather than being blinded by emotion. But holy fuck. How are you supposed to do that when all you want to look at is how pretty or funny or whatever the fuck you like about this person is. I want to dislike her. I really do.

We have a lot of similarities that I've found. If you're a romantic then I'd say if you knew me personally, and her personally, you'd say that it wouldn't be a bad match. We share a lot of common interests, and even in those interests we share very random similarities. But that's really fucking scary. It's weird to have so many similarities. Like, it might not be an insane amount where it's like we're living the same lives, but it's still odd. Then, it makes sense right? I should be happy about this right? So why do I hate it? I guess hate is a strong word. It give me pause. It makes me think: this is a little too good to be true.

Maybe I'm just being a little bitch. I should just ask her out. But the problem is, we interact so much that if she says no, then it would be kind of awkward. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Hey, I might sound like an asshole a lot of the time, but I at least have a bit of empathy. It's not fair to her, and myself I suppose, to create a situation in which we're uncomfortable with each other but are forced to talk or spend time with each other. But I guess if I knew for sure then what am I even doing here talking about it. Is this even worth discussing? I don't know.

And of course, the age old question: does she even feel the same about me. Personally, I don't think so. But I guess most people think that huh. I feel like asking someone out with the expectation that they'll say yes is pretty out there. I'd give a lot to know how she feels. But the only way to know, is to ask. I know this. But, I just can't bring myself to do it. Even if I do miss the window of opportunity.

I mean, I guess this is a bad move, but I really just don't want to take the risk. At least for now. There's not much reason to, if I'm going to be honest. Yes obviously it'd be to tell someone how I feel and get it off my chest, but if it comes at the expense of the recipient and myself, then I'd rather not. Especially since I get the feeling I would get shot down. And I won't lie, it sucks. I've never been proficient in telling someone how I feel. I grew up bottling that shit up. Emotions are hard to deal with. Ignoring them and playing video games as an escape is much easier. But putting it in writing, explaining how I feel, it helps.

Maybe one of you knows what I should do. Maybe you're wrong though, so fuck your advice. What do you know. Probably more than me. Sorry about that. I just don't really know how to proceed. The cynic inside me just wants to find one big fault, nitpick at it, and hope to god that it's enough to make me not like her any more. But there's a part of me that's hopeful. I need to squash that fucker into the dirt.

Note 33

Ya know, school is a lot easier than I thought. Maybe that's a stretch. I didn't do amazing this quarter, but I definitely performed better than I thought I would have going in. It's the summer now, and I'm juggling 4 different things: work, research, summer school, and running an esports club/team. It's definitely keeping me busy, and I feel tired every day. But, I think this is a good experience for me. Something about having all of this work to do is fun. It's like the saying "forged in flames". Whether that's me being honest or me wishing it's like that with my subconscious screaming for me to drop something... who knows. I really do hope it's the former. If I could drop anything it would probably be summer school, but that's one of the ones I really can't drop. So it'd probably be running the esports team. Which I find really fun, but if I can't fit it in, then I can't. Which really sucks to think about.

I suppose another small development, and I mean really small, is that I found someone I like. Romantically. mhm. yeah. Feels weird to write out. To be honest, I get these crushes often. I will get caught up thinking about one person for a while. But do I do anything about how I feel? No. I have no balls. Self esteem not very high. Plus, it's someone I would like to keep being friends with afterwards. I don't want to risk having something turn sour just because I misread or fucked up. I don't think that's fair to her... or me for that matter. So, I'll just keep hoping for some ridiculously large, unmissable hint or just keep on being friends. :) It's ok. People come and go in your life. Obviously I've never been in a romantic relationship, but really I don't mind. It's not that I think I'm too good for a relationship or think they're a sham. It's just something that I've never given much thought about. It'd be nice, but I just feel such a large emotional immaturity within myself that I don't think I should try to enter a relationship. Using someone to improve your emotional maturity seems like a poor way to start a relationship.

The more I talk with others, experience new things, the more I realize there's a lot out there I've yet to do and that there's so much I could do. It's daunting and honestly scary. I'm on track to graduate in about a year and a few months, and honestly the idea is horrifying. I can't imagine being out there on my own, working a 9-5. It's scary. I guess a lot of people think this way. Can't imagine there are a lot of people graduating feeling super self-assured. Hopefully this next year will help me grow a little more. Only issue with graduating early is that there's still a lot I'd like to do. But graduating early would push that all back :( It kinda sucks but I really can't justify the insane cost that is college. Maybe I'll just work in the area so I can be around my friends. Who knows.

Hopefully things work out in my favor. Or at least mostly in my favor. Can't really do much except do the work in front of me and hope for the best. Best of luck to both of us.

Note 32

Hello.

It has been an eventful few months. I have acquired a research position at my university, as well as a job! So things are on the up. Honestly I think it was more of a me being cooped up in my room problem than anything. Meeting new people, doing new things, working to become more active within my life. I have a really optimistic outlook right now. I think I could put a little more effort to my studies, but things are ok right now. I am cautiously happy, a little stressed, but I have an idea of how to keep moving forward. I'm excited to keep growing. I hope that to whoever reads these words in the future, heck it might just be myself, that the remember this moment. Where, after a year and a half of feeling stuck and not really seeing any growth, I'm slowly coming into my own. I feel like I've slowly returned back to where I should be. My studies are ramping up, and I know I can do well. Well, I need to do well. But I know what it takes. I can do, and be better. But, I won't be afraid to take things slow. I need a solid foundation, otherwise it'll all come crashing down. Here's to improvement.

Note 31

If there's any oI'm writing my college applications and if there's any one moment I'd love to talk about but it's probably not worth the hassle it's when I got bullied. I feel like it was such a huge part of why I am the way I am now, and it just feels wrong to not discuss it at least a bit. But i have no idea how to approach it. So, here's the raw unedited story, and maybe along the way I'll figure out how to use it :D

High school. A key few years in the life of a student. It decides a lot in terms of the next 8 or so years of your life. The university you attend, what you plan on studying, and in a way, your life after college as well, although perhaps not as much. Butterfly effect I suppose. But, going in as a 13 (14?) year old I didn't really understand this so the first semester I just cruised by. I was smart enough to get low A's without really any studying and the bare minimum effort when it came to homework so I wasn't really pressed about it. But it seemed the small number of friends I had made around me were already ahead and since I considered myself to be one of the smartest in my class, I decided the next semester would be better. And it was. I figured out how to study for the classes I was in and had very good scores. I even began to stop playing video games/watching video game streamers as much. I was growing up, even if it was just a little.

Then came sophomore year. You see, I was on the rowing team and after your first year on the team, you become a Varsity Rower. Cool name, but means little. It just means you're a part of the real team now. There, one senior decided to pick on me. Day after day. To be honest, at the time it didn't feel like I was getting bullied or mistreated. But I was. And now I could tell that my subconscious hated what was happening. I'd get poked, jabbed, hit, told to do things (not like inappropriate, well perhaps other than one incident i remember) and put simply made his "bitch". But on the surface, I went with it. I thought I was stronger than I was. As that fall semester went on, the habits I had formed my freshman year started to crack, eventually becoming rifts. My grades dropped, my addiction to video games had been reignited, and by the end of the semester I had thought about suicide once if not multiple times a day.

Yeah.

There was one night, when I just sat on the floor of my room, silently weeping, holding a knife. I think 13 reasons why (the television show on suicide) was popular around that time and so it felt like a lot of kids were suicidal. So that thought of being alone wasn't really on my mind. What stopped me was thinking about what would happen after I died. What my friends and family would think. What would happen. You see, if I'm going to be honest I think if I was dumber, I would've killed myself there. If my subconscious didn't bring up those thoughts, I think that would've been the end of my story. If I hated my family or if it was the other way around, that would've been the end...

Nowadays, I don't think I'm happy but it's not because of any one person or thing, it's my own drive to becoming that person I was at the end of my freshman year. Returning to that place where I had fun studying. It feels like this past year, I've come back around to the end of that fall semester freshman year. I'm just starting to figure things out, and I don't want that to stop. I don't know, maybe it's a bit of an abrupt end to the story. Sure, I'll go on.

The semester after, I came back to the rowing team after holding out for about a month. The bullying seemed to slow down purely because everyone realized that I was a valuable asset to the team, and losing me would mean a disaster of a season. I guess the couple of years following, I never really did figure out how to study again, especially with the addiction of video games weighing so heavily. And after applying and getting rejected to effectively all the colleges I applied to, I did a lot of introspection and came to the conclusion that this event in my life set me back about 3-4 years. Pretty significant portion of my life considering I'm only 20.

I got off track so I'm just going to end it here. Bye :)

Note 30

I did not do well this quarter in terms of grades. Oh well.

But, I think I definitely improved in terms of what I need to do in order to be successful in an academic setting. Going out and studying in an environment where everyone was just working hard rather than where there was a ton of discussion and chaos was really helpful.

Whenever I try to write it feels really awkward. I just can't seem to get all the things I feel onto the page. I want to so badly just pour what I am onto the page but it always comes out as awkward and like stuttery? Like when I try to write this college essay which is really more of a creative writing assignment, I want to relate it to myself following the prompt. But, I feel so stuck and anything else I write feels like an unnecessary extension. And I haven't written much. I probably won't get in anyway. My grades are a dumpster fire in comparison to what they should be. I wish this whole school thing was a bit easier. There's just so many other things I want to try before committing myself to just academia and then a job. I mean, I realized that I want to do cognitive science with more of a focus towards computing/AI. But committing to it means really delving deep, understanding things like deep learning and how to code it. But I just don't feel ready. I still love video games. And it's always been something about video games. But time continues to move in a linear fashion. I can't go back. But there's nothing else I'd love to do but go back. Desperately.

Note 29

I spent most of the day working today. Outside my dorm room. Felt good. Ending this semester with a final push. Hope it goes well.

Note 28

The more I think, the more my to-do list grows, the more my dreams seem literally impossible, and the more my head hurts. I can't focus, I can't do homework, I can't live normally. It's all just so hard. I need a break. please.

Maybe I'm fucking bipolar. I have such good highs, awful lows, or maybe it's adhd. fuck if i know. i have too many questions, and no answers.

who the fuck has the answers.

Note 27

I've decided that I'd like to study abroad next year, whether it's in the fall or spring semester. Preferably a Korean university since I'd like to see what life is like in my ethnic country. Really that's the only reason why, plus it'd be interesting to see what kind of students get into Korea's top universities and kind of measure myself up to them. Which in a way is a really weird reason to go. As if I'm trying to prove to myself a couple of things: 1, that I am as smart or smarter than the average SKY university student, and 2 that even though my university is lower ranked it's like not my fault or something? I don't know. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe it's dumb. In any case, it's more so to live in the country for a bit since I've really never been. Unless we count a couple month long stay there when I was 5. The only concrete memory I still have is accidentally being given soju and not water during a dinner. lol.

I think my main issue is that I'm not really confident in my self. I'd like to think I have high self esteem/pride but lately and over the course of the past year and a half I've been questioning it a lot. I've noticed that I realize things just a little too late, which causes problems for me in the future. Knowing this is a step in the right direction I suppose, but taking steps to correct this is insanely difficult. It's basically asking me to sort of ditch the life I currently live in order to achieve the life I want. Whatever that is.

I have no clue whether CS is still right for me. I don't want to realize too late that I hate it and would rather be doing something else. I don't want to waste my remaining years at university, coming out the other end with just a piece of paper to show for my four years. I do not want a repeat of high school.

I sort of brought up self confidence because it feels like my high achieving friends at top universities are all very sure of themselves. At least on the outside. Obviously they're still my age and probably struggle with similar problems, but from the outside looking in, their self esteem and confidence is just so much higher than my own. Plus it feels genuine. I feel like my confidence is fake. And until I gain that confidence I don't know if I'll find what I want to do.

I suppose I could backtrack from what my dream occupation would be and try to find something close or adjacent to it that seems like a reasonable job that I can get through education. Ok. Dream occupation: play video games and get paid for it. That would be great. I could live how I'd like, doing the thing I love, all while getting money. I suppose a job close to it that I could get with a college degree is perhaps some sort of testing? Like quality assurance. Not really sure what I should be working towards in education to move towards that though. Even then I don't really know if that sounds super appealing.

I could just be an indecisive dumbass. Mhm. Yeah, definitely a possibility.

But, until I realize what I want to work towards, I can't be applying to universities, or thinking of studying abroad, working towards an internship, or even doing class work. Without understanding who I am and through that what I want to work towards, how am I supposed to find motivation to put in any effort? All the bullshit you see in TV shows where a person's motivation is for their family or revenge just seems a bit much. I don't see how those can be motivating enough for you to just work. At least for me. It could completely work for other people. Not to discredit anyone who is going through that at the moment.

But, knowing really what I'd like to work towards means setting my environment up for success. I have no reason to attend a top private school if my only goal is to just play video games. Might as well go to a cheap university with academics easy enough that I can get A's while trying my hardest to "blow up" on the internet. Right? But this logical side of my brain keeps telling me that it's a dumb idea, and I'll likely regret doing this. Because fuck going to a low ranking university when I literally can aim for the top. Bit of ego appearing I suppose.

Another problem is, is that I sort of enjoy cs. But it's the next step to where I do real work, or projects that actually take a bit of time and effort that makes me hesitate. I don't want to shy away from this field if it's because I'm being lazy, but I also don't know if it's something I really want to pursue. The appeal of money honestly isn't strong enough to drive me to do Leetcode, make projects, aim for FAANG companies or HFTs. But then I also do want to aim for that. I want to be making a lot of money, working for a super well known company, being impressive. Who doesn't? Don't answer because I know damn well a lot of people don't.

I don't like this spot I'm in. It's not enjoyable. I'm sort of picking the route my life will go in for at least the next 2+ years. And that's scary. I don't want to mess up. Obviously I'm still young and have time to mess up. But I'd also just like to make the right choice for once. I feel like I'm in this position now because I've made so many incorrect choices. Eventually you'd think I'd learn. I guess I'm a bit dense.

Damn I wish life was easier. I'll probably completely ignore school work for the next couple of days while pretending that I'm thinking about this, while keeping my mind busy by playing games or watching people play games :D. Till next time.

Note 26

I am writing this while procrastinating on homework and the 5 lectures i need to watch in order to complete it, along with one of the supposedly hardest coding assignments so far. Wonderful. I think I'm slowly settling into a rhythm, but honestly I still have a lot of hesitation in terms of what I'd like to aim for after college. I think pursuing something in ML/AI would be really cool and interesting but it doesn't feel "right" you know? Even this minute sort of rhythm I'm sort of starting to feel out for this quarter is just that: minute. I'm struggling honestly, and even though I have in person classes, it's rough to attend them and it becomes so easy to just not go.

I got an invitation to join this professor's research which is really just a recruitment for people to work on his open source project of which I've seen very little PR's in the last few months. Which is a bit disappointing considering, but I suppose I'll have to work on it to some point so I can at least discuss it in interviews.

School is so fucking hard. I wish it was easier or I could just shift my brain to focus but that's just excuses I guess. Or am I just double crossing what is really happening and I do have something wrong with my brain. Possible. Unlikely, but possible.

I just wish it was a bit easier. Working my way up to a better school, a better internship, a better job. There's so much work to be done to move up the ladder, but it's so easy to fall. Sometimes I feel like the rock bottom motivator above all else is this excessive amount of pride I had from being told I was smart when I was young. I feel like I should still be living up to that. And not being able to do so just feels awful. Whether that's a toxic mindset or a decent motivator is to be decided, but for now I guess it'll work as motivation.

I can be better. I can do better. And I will become better.

Note 25

Hello internet. I'm currently at school. With everyone having returned onto campus, it's definitely different from last year. I'd like to cautiously say that it makes the school better, but the negatives definitely outweigh the positives. I'm still looking to transfer schools, but I'll actually be looking to attend reasonable universities with higher acceptance rates for transfers. Currently the list is Northwestern, USC, Vanderbilt, and possibly WashU but holy god that school is so boring. Apologies if any of you went to WashU but their website actually just puts me to sleep. In any case, these schools are reputable and have higher acceptance rates for transfers. I'll also be looking at my state school since its computer science department is quite good (i can suffer for 2 years, it's fine).

In terms of cs, I've decided to pursue AI/Machine Learning and Cybersecurity. I think these two fields interest me the most. I'll probably put more focus towards AI and cybersecurity as a hobby purely from an income perspective since I don't think I'll be able to delve deep enough into security for me to be making an "equivalent" amount to AI when accounting for work put in. I have a tentative plan for this year to boost my application so hopefully I'll end up with better results this time around.

I wasn't going to say that plan but fuck it, most people on here seem to be working adults. I'm planning on cold emailing a bunch of AI professors (preferably working in NLP at UCSD). Hopefully one of them is nice enough to let me work on the grunt work at their lab. That'll be a really nice boost on my application plus for internship applications. I'll also be looking to do project teams with the AI student group on campus, hopefully for both fall and winter quarters which should be a significant boost on my application if we produce something meaningful. This coupled with my classwork should be enough to keep me busy even if I'm suffering a bit.

I should probably try to write more and spill my thoughts when I'm busy in order to remind myself of my goals and what I hope to achieve. Although whenever I say that it never happens huh. Well, enjoy the 2 for 1 this month!