College student attempting to wade through life.
4753 words

Note 15

Hmm it appears that the month of january is over and we are 10, almost 11 days into february. I was stressed out of my mind because of everything on my plate. I wanted to do well in school + work on my own projects + join a project team + work on college applications + have time for myself. I ended up dropping my personal project since I thought it was the thing that probably mattered the least.
I'm still really really worried about my college applications, there's just so much work I have to do and not enough time for me to write them how I'd like. Please northwestern, let me in. I'm begging you.
Well, at least I'm somehow doing well in school. I should end with around a 4.0 or 3.9 this quarter. God, school is such a pain in the ass. Well, I'll probably take it easy next quarter and just do school work and play video games and make sure my gpa is good. Trying to do all these things right now is really taking a toll on my brain.
I think I'm learning more about coding with the project team I'm on. I am trying out javascript/nodejs for the first time and god it was a pain just to install nodemon. I still have no real understanding of how to use VSCode so thats nice :) The webscraper project that i mentioned earlier is on backburner. I ran into an issue where I couldn't get information from IFRAMES. I'm thinking of using OCR to scrape the information but the problem is, is that I'd have to keep that info updated weekly which would probably be a pain. We'll see though, I'll work on that in like 2 months.
These days I'm just worried. I have so much riding on getting into either Johns Hopkins, Northwestern, WashU, Rice, and Stanford. I am literally putting all my eggs in one basket. I NEED TO TRANSFER. Maybe i'll add another school but honestly i'm not really passionate about any of the schools on the list besides northwestern. I have no clue what i'll do if I don't get in. I really can't pay for another year at the school I'm at now. I don't know. There's this huge weight over my head that's just slowly lowering. Here's hoping that all my work pays off.

Note 14

Haha, I thought I would write more but I suppose I lied. I've decided to pour most of my efforts into transferring to Northwestern since it fits a lot of what I'm looking for. I still have a lot of work to do. There's the quarter which is starting tomorrow, the essays that I still have to write, and the coding projects that I still have to work on. I'm honestly not sure how I survived in high school. I'm thinking that my essays the first time around weren't up to par with what they were looking for, and reading them again sort of makes me cringe at how off target from the prompt I was. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety these last few days about this quarter. I have a lot riding on the next 8 weeks or so, and I really really want it to go well. For someone who didn't really study, this'll be a make or break quarter for me. The next step in improvement, or I'll just be in shambles which doesn't sound great. But hard work + a bit of luck can achieve a lot, and I can't be sitting on my ass just watching twitch streams or youtube or whatever. I'm worried, but excited. I can prove myself to be better than I was back in high school, or show that I've not really changed much at all. I hope, no, I will do well. Progress update probably end of january, till then, good luck.

Note 13

I told myself that I would write here more since I'm on break so here I am. I've finalized my list of schools: Stanford (haha not gonna happen), Northwestern, WashU, Johns Hopkins, and Rice. Of them all I think I have a decent shot at WashU and Northwestern so here's hoping. For Stanford I'll probably be blunt and very matter of fact in my essays. I'll put forth enough effort that I'll have a little hope but I know that's probably not going to happen. I'm currently starting up a new project which will detect facial expressions using OpenCV and will open up a reddit post from r/makemesuffer if you're happy. That'll be fun, and a good step forward in terms of project complexity. A big one honestly. But, I also have to make a discord bot that checks reactions to messages and gives data. Hopefully that isn't too difficult, I mean the documentation is helpful but writing seems convoluted. Hopefully that works out. I'll try to write again in the next two weeks before classes start up again. I need this next quarter to go well for a good shot. I definitely need to put more effort in studying, I don't think I really studied this quarter. Here's to working harder.

Note 12

Ayyyy, a 2 for 1 special. I think for this post, it'll be more fleshed out rather than sort of the stream of consciousness that it usually is. Maybe. It probably will be just with slightly more structure.

I wasn't really able to express myself or really understand who I was in high school, and even now I'm not really sure what defines ME. I mean, for a high schooler, or really anyone at my age, how are we supposed to choose what we're going to do for the rest of our lives? Obviously I understand that the major we go into doesn't dictate the rest of my life but it could. Some people don't leave their job even after years and years of working there. And honestly that scares me a lot. I don't want to be stuck working the same job, at the same place for years and years. I wan't to grow and move on to bigger and better things. I guess I'm an ambitious person. At least ambitious enough to try and attend one of the top universities in the world. I mean just saying that is insane. If I transfer to the school's I'm looking at it would mean that I was able to reach something that not many people would ever be able to do. And I should be proud of even reaching this far into my academic career. But being complacent isn't something I've liked doing. That's why I like games where theres ways to be better and improve. Where I can test my skill and mettle against others to see who's better. And honestly it seems like I never really understood that.

But then again, even when I join competitive environments in clubs or sports I'm not usually one of the top performers. I'm always sort of in the background. And it's probably because I'll usually start off a bit higher than most and get complacent. So how do I push past that complacency? How do I work to continue bettering myself so I can continue to push ahead? I think this is what could end up allowing me to succeed. Finding that reason and drive to keep improving myself. Because I'm a prideful little cunt, and it feels good to be better than someone else at something.

And for now I've chosen computer science. I can't really turn back now and I have to keep pushing forward. I should pick up a new project soon since I've finished the bitcoin bot. And honestly I really can't tell if it's making money or not but I think it is? I can't get complacent now that I've finished one project, I should keep expanding my portfolio. But, at least for now, I should study for my finals that I have coming up. I have to stay competitive because that's who I am. I definitely have some sort of superiority complex. Maybe because people said I was gifted when I was younger. Perhaps. It does add up, and recently studies have shown that such actions have been causing problems for kids my age.

There's a lot about me that I still don't understand and that's okay. I'm still young and I have a lot of time left to go. Well, assuming no accidents or major illnesses which is wishful thinking. I know that I get complacent too often, which completely clashes with my superiority complex. I know that I'm a person who should feel grateful of where I am but is searching for more. I'm human and I'm still understanding things as I go. And aren't we all?

So I suppose for schools, I should look for generous financial aid first, has a good mix of collaborative and independent learning, and will more likely than not take a CS major. The last one is a bit iffy considering it's popularity but the first two I already have a few schools in mind. I need some place that will let me explore and find things that I'm interested in, rather than lock me down to major specific courses. I need freedom of choice, not a rigid set path because that's what I've done my whole life. I've always been in the shadow of my sibling and I need to find my own way. A lot of my friends did that in high school, and I do feel a bit of shame starting this late. But, progress is progress, and I need to move forward.

Note 11

I'm currently procrastinating on some work that I have to get done by midnight tonight but oh well, I really wanted somewhere to put my thoughts. I'm starting to look into how I can maximize my transfer chances and for a CS major, the options are pretty slim. I mean, in recent times CS or some variation of it is probably the most popular major among the top 20 colleges in the US. So, it's pretty tough to find schools that will take CS majors so they can add to their program. Honestly, some of these kids are gifted out of their minds or have just chosen the right skill to hone over years of work. So I think my primary chances are for a couple of schools namely Vanderbilt and Northwestern which are good schools in their own right and will give me the financial aid I need to freely pursue a college education without burden. But, i don't know. I don't really like settling for bottom half of the top schools. And I know that sounds pretentious because hell if anyone got into those schools they could probably get into any of those top schools. But, I don't know if I'll be satisfied playing second fiddle to, I don't know, a Stanford or Harvard. I think this is just one of those things that I just have to live with. I messed up in high school. I should've put in way more work but I didn't. It's probably my biggest regret in the few years I've lived on this planet. Kind of silly :) And as much as I'd like to say I've learned from my mistakes, it's been hard to give up that easy going lifestyle I had. That's the truth and ultimately it's going to be there and will never leave. I suppose I'm just searching for less regrets in my life. And for now, I'll work hard to make sure I minimize the ones that I do have.

Note 10

It has been exactly one whole month since my last post. That's certainly quite some time, and a lot has happened in the span of a month. I've really progressed in my coding adventures and i got a part time job for a discord server which is really cool. My stock program is pretty close to done, just have to work on removing data after there's enough points. Personally, i've found that I still have a lot of growing up to do especially in terms of managing my time. I really just want to be a degenerate and do nothing but watch/play video games. But, especially with this part time role, I have way more push to learn and improve my coding skills. It'll definitely help out my transfer application. It just sucks since that part of my brain that just wants to do nothing is so large that it just takes over sometimes. Unfortunate, but can't really do anything about it except to keep trying to focus on my goals and whether what I'm doing will help out. Adulting is tough. I'll probably write more this month since winter break is coming up soon, and I'll probably start college essays and finalize my list.

Note 9

This week has been relatively uneventful. I reflected a little more on whether politics and that whole shabang is really something i'd be interested in and I came to the conclusion that it's probably something that's just a side interest. I don't know, maybe it's just because I've been using computers my whole life and I've spent so much of my life revolved around the screen. Hell, I spent so much time on the computer I found bitcoin when it was relatively young in middle school. I don't really know if I really have the passion and drive for coding though. Maybe computer/electrical engineering? that would be more hands on and might include aspects of coding. As much as I'd like to say this is still up in the air, I do have to commit soon if I want to finish the big project I have in mind. I am working on a simple stock trading bot for bitcoin in robinhood which should be interesting. I should probably have another project to work on after this that shows my leaning toward a "liberal arts education" perhaps something with political data. The question is what will I be looking for. But that question is for a bit later, I still need to get my big project in motion and finish my robinhood trading bot which really should have taken me like one or two weekends to do. I still have no clue where I'd like to go, but from my initial guesses Northwestern seems like where I'll end up if things fall in place. Which of course will be entirely reliant upon me. That will definitely go well :), hopefully. But I can't just sit here and hope can I? I have to put the money where my mouth is. Hell, I still have a good amount of school work to do. This next week I'll try really hard to live optimally in terms of achieving my goals.

p.s. the messages i've received so far are really thought provoking and make me feel like putting my thoughts out on the internet is worth something so thank you to those who have. Best of luck to you and your endeavors.

Note 8

Today I have come to the conclusion that I have no clue what I want to study in college. See, i've been around computers my whole life. So, I thought the logical continuation would be to go into computer science or something of that nature. But when I think about what I would really like to do, like really really get down to it, I don't know if I could just sit and type on a keyboard for the next 40 years of my life. Wow, just typing that number makes it even worse. So back to the search we go. I still like working with computers, and of course playing video games on them but I don't want to do that for 40 years. I need something with more action. The next thing that I could think of was political science or international relations and becoming an ambassador. But the problem with that is I fucking hate writing. And the road to becoming an ambassador is going to be filled with writing. I'm not about that. I also don't like how sometimes there's no clear cut answer. I need some part of it to be concrete and "based". I also don't like talking to people 24/7, I need alone time. I have no clue what major I'm looking for. Maybe I should be looking for occupation and not college major. Perhaps that will turn up better ideas.

Note 7

ah, i've been given some sage advice: perhaps college is not for me. well, the asian in me says that such information is false and that kind of language cannot be tolerated in this brain. Perhaps, though, its possible, that college isn't for me. I don't know it's scary thinking that. I don't know what I'd do or how my mom would react. Well i suppose i would, it'd be immediate retaliation. I guess the question is, if colleges got shut down tomorrow where would I go? To be honest, I'd work in the esports/video game industry. Really i'd like to become a video game streamer just because from the outside looking in, it seems like a great easy job. But more realistically probably working in marketing or finances or just something more logistical. I don't know, this idea is almost sort of blasphemous in a sense and probably is something that i'd need a clear goal and plan for. Something to consider perhaps.

Note 6

Hello, it has been quite some time. Updates regarding the college transfer process: idk what the heck i'm doing nor do I know how i'm doing to frame my application. I did poorly last week on my quizzes and while i can drop them it feels bad that I even have to. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on things and it's starting to spiral. At least I started my first python project which is cool. haven't really touched it since i started it but its whatever. It feels like I want to do so much in one day but theres never enough time nor enough motivation in my body to do it. These are strange times. I was planning on just stopping here but I'll flesh out my feelings. To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind. I cannot fail, I cannot get anything below an A. How the hell am I supposed to do that if I haven't studied seriously ever in my life? Every grade thats above a C in all my high school classes felt like luck. At least I have a nice high iq brain that has subsequently caused me to never think about studying until my sophomore year of high school and by the time i realized it was already too late and im now too far in and just feel left behind from all my peers because they know how to study effectively and in a time efficient manner whereas i cant even find the time to study because im a lazy bum. So what now. It just sucks but I cant make up for lost time. theres nothing i can do about the past and the things ive done. time is a linear thing ya know. (or at least so we think). Realistically i'll end up in community college next year, and transfer to a 4 year. which sucks big doodoo because it means i'm taking an unconventional path in comparison to my peers. How am i supposed to compete... but i've been given so many opportunities and help that i've never taken. I reread all my rejection letters today. it really only made me sadder lol. more depressed. less optimistic. more realistic. I'm so fucked lmao. thinking that i can "just get into stanford" "just transfer :)" "just get a 4.0" "just get into good extracurriculars" "just study" "just become better the instant you go to college". I don't even deserve to be where I am right now. I should be at my local community college, hanging my head in shame. Im nothing but an impostor. talk to pretty much any of my high school friends and you'll realize they're the real deal while I, I am nothing more than the bottom of the barrel of smart people. I still have so much more to go but time just seems to slip right past. If anything, I'll have just known what it's like to live on my own for a bit and return home, become a nurse, live a very normal, average life and die mildly content while my friends will have achieved very respectable success in their fields and all i'll be able to say will be that i knew them in high school and was friends with them. fuck me. But i want that prestige so badly. To be able to show people that I fucking did something. Its just that the work that comes with it seems like a mountain that I wont be able to cross. My heart is fucking torn. I want to just become more of a degenerate, and try to play video games for a living because it sounds way more enjoyable than anything im doing right now. Like thats the one thing that i've been doing that has been a constant in my life : video games. Always there, never ending and I always play long lasting video games too that I can grind over and over again because they'll always be there no matter what. Maplestory and league and tactical shooters haven't completely died ever. they're like ever present games. But if my whole fucking personality is going to be based off the video games i'm playing that won't come off great to college application readers will it. they're not impressed by the 10k hours ive probably put into maple or what rank ive achieved in league. So i turn to the next closest thing which is coding :) and i wont lie its quite interesting being able to make something that you can show off to others. But idk what i'm gonna do with my life. my application is bare as hell right now, i got no one to talk to, and im probably going to get rejected from all the places that I apply to :). I just don't want to return home empty handed. I want to be able to show off a little. I suppose this is just punishment or backlash from the last 4 years of my life that i'm trying to make up in what 6 months. and it SUCKS ASS. maybe thats what i'll portray myself as. A person who speaks the truth, doesn't like to lie, wanting a holistic education, and likes code. pretty dumb LMAOOOOO. im fucking screwed as hell. first off i'm goddamn asian and they really don't need any more of those at top colleges. second of all, i have 0 accolades or accomplishments. like what the fuck? in comparison to some dude who's been working his ass off for the past 2 years at some community college and is el presidente of half the schools clubs, done 2 internships and took time off to join the fucking military, came back with honors and leadership skills and now looking at top colleges like fuck me i look bad. I HAVE NO ANGLE. I AM LITERALLY A FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER THAT ONLY HAS A SENTENCE TO DESCRIBE ME: LIKES VIDEO GAMES, DOESN'T WORK HARD. like goddamn, what about me is fucking appealing. I don't get why people would even like to be around me. maybe its to boost their own fucking ego, there were a bunch of people like that in high school those sick fucks. not that I completely hated high school, i mean i had a pretty decent experience minus the academics part which is really the whole point. If i had just tried a bit harder I SWEAR i couldve gone all the way at some colleges. BUT im too all over the place but that's just who I am i guess. I can't be stuck in one project, in one thing all the time or else I just lose passion. I can't just keep staring at the fucking problem or whatever until i figure it out, i have to switch things up. maybe i deserve to go to community college. i don't know. its all too confusing to figure out who I am while trying to excel in school. im tired, but also trying to be driven. its just that the former is overpowering the latter. I keep trying and trying but really it's not even that. im just toeing the line, stopping after the bare minimum. why? because my 140+ iq 0 study brain says why do things that youre unsure of. and that, is horrifying.

Note 5

After discussion with a friend who currently attends stanford, I think I might add it to the list. I did get rejected by them before but they fulfill a lot of what I'm looking for in terms of a holistic education. But, none of this is going to pan out if I don't work harder in school. Grades above all, then essays, then we'll have to see about these extracurriculars. I still don't really have a clear idea of what I want to portray on my application. One clear theme. But that's something for future me, I got work to do right now.

Note 4

Well I've narrowed down my college transfer list to three schools: UChicago, Northwestern, and Harvard. Kind of a bare list but the only other two schools Rice and Stanford, I feel, are just too far for me. I don't want to have this feeling of just being lost and too far from home. I don't really know what I want out of school but god if this dumb cognitive science class doesn't do it for me. Like, after the first week of this class I realized that I need to learn something technical. I need to learn applicable skills that are more tangible and are hands on. Theory sucks, application rules. I needn't say more. It feels really nice to just voice my thoughts here once in a while when it feels like everything else just feels overwhelming like this dumb math problem that just seems impossible. Like I've put it into calculators and everything but noooo, the answer is still fking wrong like what the hell. But yeah, those are the three schools I think I'd be okay with going to. This school is much too big. Even though it's in such a warm climate, the school itself is very cold. They pride themselves on being academically driven but the teaching style is terrible. But I have to succeed if I want to transfer. So what else is there to do but try (and succeed)? Oh, and I did a little more coding since last time and I think it's fun but for some reason I can't find more motivation to continue. I'll have to keep pushing forward. Here's to another week or so till the next post :)

p.s. the khai dreams spotify radio slaps

Note 3

I can't seem to find the motivation to really do much nowadays. I feel sad and I just feel like I'm not meant to be at this school. I don't know what to do except just bury myself in my old habits of video games. I can sort of see myself beginning to spiral down into a hole where I just get terrible grades, drop out, end up at community college and end up just becoming a nurse. Honestly, I'm a bit scared. I'm too far from home. As much as I thought that this would be nice, I think I made the wrong choice. I'll try to pick up my code more this week. Try to be a little brighter, a little more active, and just work hard towards my goals.

Note 2

I'm hoping to really get the basics of python down pat. But if I'm going to be honest I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Not too sure what I'll do for my first project. I should definitely start one though before the end of the quarter.

Note 1

I'm not really sure how this will go but I think having a space for the next year to discuss my thoughts will be nice to have.