College student attempting to wade through life.
2233 words

Note 8

Today I have come to the conclusion that I have no clue what I want to study in college. See, i've been around computers my whole life. So, I thought the logical continuation would be to go into computer science or something of that nature. But when I think about what I would really like to do, like really really get down to it, I don't know if I could just sit and type on a keyboard for the next 40 years of my life. Wow, just typing that number makes it even worse. So back to the search we go. I still like working with computers, and of course playing video games on them but I don't want to do that for 40 years. I need something with more action. The next thing that I could think of was political science or international relations and becoming an ambassador. But the problem with that is I fucking hate writing. And the road to becoming an ambassador is going to be filled with writing. I'm not about that. I also don't like how sometimes there's no clear cut answer. I need some part of it to be concrete and "based". I also don't like talking to people 24/7, I need alone time. I have no clue what major I'm looking for. Maybe I should be looking for occupation and not college major. Perhaps that will turn up better ideas.

Note 7

ah, i've been given some sage advice: perhaps college is not for me. well, the asian in me says that such information is false and that kind of language cannot be tolerated in this brain. Perhaps, though, its possible, that college isn't for me. I don't know it's scary thinking that. I don't know what I'd do or how my mom would react. Well i suppose i would, it'd be immediate retaliation. I guess the question is, if colleges got shut down tomorrow where would I go? To be honest, I'd work in the esports/video game industry. Really i'd like to become a video game streamer just because from the outside looking in, it seems like a great easy job. But more realistically probably working in marketing or finances or just something more logistical. I don't know, this idea is almost sort of blasphemous in a sense and probably is something that i'd need a clear goal and plan for. Something to consider perhaps.

Note 6

Hello, it has been quite some time. Updates regarding the college transfer process: idk what the heck i'm doing nor do I know how i'm doing to frame my application. I did poorly last week on my quizzes and while i can drop them it feels bad that I even have to. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on things and it's starting to spiral. At least I started my first python project which is cool. haven't really touched it since i started it but its whatever. It feels like I want to do so much in one day but theres never enough time nor enough motivation in my body to do it. These are strange times. I was planning on just stopping here but I'll flesh out my feelings. To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind. I cannot fail, I cannot get anything below an A. How the hell am I supposed to do that if I haven't studied seriously ever in my life? Every grade thats above a C in all my high school classes felt like luck. At least I have a nice high iq brain that has subsequently caused me to never think about studying until my sophomore year of high school and by the time i realized it was already too late and im now too far in and just feel left behind from all my peers because they know how to study effectively and in a time efficient manner whereas i cant even find the time to study because im a lazy bum. So what now. It just sucks but I cant make up for lost time. theres nothing i can do about the past and the things ive done. time is a linear thing ya know. (or at least so we think). Realistically i'll end up in community college next year, and transfer to a 4 year. which sucks big doodoo because it means i'm taking an unconventional path in comparison to my peers. How am i supposed to compete... but i've been given so many opportunities and help that i've never taken. I reread all my rejection letters today. it really only made me sadder lol. more depressed. less optimistic. more realistic. I'm so fucked lmao. thinking that i can "just get into stanford" "just transfer :)" "just get a 4.0" "just get into good extracurriculars" "just study" "just become better the instant you go to college". I don't even deserve to be where I am right now. I should be at my local community college, hanging my head in shame. Im nothing but an impostor. talk to pretty much any of my high school friends and you'll realize they're the real deal while I, I am nothing more than the bottom of the barrel of smart people. I still have so much more to go but time just seems to slip right past. If anything, I'll have just known what it's like to live on my own for a bit and return home, become a nurse, live a very normal, average life and die mildly content while my friends will have achieved very respectable success in their fields and all i'll be able to say will be that i knew them in high school and was friends with them. fuck me. But i want that prestige so badly. To be able to show people that I fucking did something. Its just that the work that comes with it seems like a mountain that I wont be able to cross. My heart is fucking torn. I want to just become more of a degenerate, and try to play video games for a living because it sounds way more enjoyable than anything im doing right now. Like thats the one thing that i've been doing that has been a constant in my life : video games. Always there, never ending and I always play long lasting video games too that I can grind over and over again because they'll always be there no matter what. Maplestory and league and tactical shooters haven't completely died ever. they're like ever present games. But if my whole fucking personality is going to be based off the video games i'm playing that won't come off great to college application readers will it. they're not impressed by the 10k hours ive probably put into maple or what rank ive achieved in league. So i turn to the next closest thing which is coding :) and i wont lie its quite interesting being able to make something that you can show off to others. But idk what i'm gonna do with my life. my application is bare as hell right now, i got no one to talk to, and im probably going to get rejected from all the places that I apply to :). I just don't want to return home empty handed. I want to be able to show off a little. I suppose this is just punishment or backlash from the last 4 years of my life that i'm trying to make up in what 6 months. and it SUCKS ASS. maybe thats what i'll portray myself as. A person who speaks the truth, doesn't like to lie, wanting a holistic education, and likes code. pretty dumb LMAOOOOO. im fucking screwed as hell. first off i'm goddamn asian and they really don't need any more of those at top colleges. second of all, i have 0 accolades or accomplishments. like what the fuck? in comparison to some dude who's been working his ass off for the past 2 years at some community college and is el presidente of half the schools clubs, done 2 internships and took time off to join the fucking military, came back with honors and leadership skills and now looking at top colleges like fuck me i look bad. I HAVE NO ANGLE. I AM LITERALLY A FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER THAT ONLY HAS A SENTENCE TO DESCRIBE ME: LIKES VIDEO GAMES, DOESN'T WORK HARD. like goddamn, what about me is fucking appealing. I don't get why people would even like to be around me. maybe its to boost their own fucking ego, there were a bunch of people like that in high school those sick fucks. not that I completely hated high school, i mean i had a pretty decent experience minus the academics part which is really the whole point. If i had just tried a bit harder I SWEAR i couldve gone all the way at some colleges. BUT im too all over the place but that's just who I am i guess. I can't be stuck in one project, in one thing all the time or else I just lose passion. I can't just keep staring at the fucking problem or whatever until i figure it out, i have to switch things up. maybe i deserve to go to community college. i don't know. its all too confusing to figure out who I am while trying to excel in school. im tired, but also trying to be driven. its just that the former is overpowering the latter. I keep trying and trying but really it's not even that. im just toeing the line, stopping after the bare minimum. why? because my 140+ iq 0 study brain says why do things that youre unsure of. and that, is horrifying.

Note 5

After discussion with a friend who currently attends stanford, I think I might add it to the list. I did get rejected by them before but they fulfill a lot of what I'm looking for in terms of a holistic education. But, none of this is going to pan out if I don't work harder in school. Grades above all, then essays, then we'll have to see about these extracurriculars. I still don't really have a clear idea of what I want to portray on my application. One clear theme. But that's something for future me, I got work to do right now.

Note 4

Well I've narrowed down my college transfer list to three schools: UChicago, Northwestern, and Harvard. Kind of a bare list but the only other two schools Rice and Stanford, I feel, are just too far for me. I don't want to have this feeling of just being lost and too far from home. I don't really know what I want out of school but god if this dumb cognitive science class doesn't do it for me. Like, after the first week of this class I realized that I need to learn something technical. I need to learn applicable skills that are more tangible and are hands on. Theory sucks, application rules. I needn't say more. It feels really nice to just voice my thoughts here once in a while when it feels like everything else just feels overwhelming like this dumb math problem that just seems impossible. Like I've put it into calculators and everything but noooo, the answer is still fking wrong like what the hell. But yeah, those are the three schools I think I'd be okay with going to. This school is much too big. Even though it's in such a warm climate, the school itself is very cold. They pride themselves on being academically driven but the teaching style is terrible. But I have to succeed if I want to transfer. So what else is there to do but try (and succeed)? Oh, and I did a little more coding since last time and I think it's fun but for some reason I can't find more motivation to continue. I'll have to keep pushing forward. Here's to another week or so till the next post :)

p.s. the khai dreams spotify radio slaps

Note 3

I can't seem to find the motivation to really do much nowadays. I feel sad and I just feel like I'm not meant to be at this school. I don't know what to do except just bury myself in my old habits of video games. I can sort of see myself beginning to spiral down into a hole where I just get terrible grades, drop out, end up at community college and end up just becoming a nurse. Honestly, I'm a bit scared. I'm too far from home. As much as I thought that this would be nice, I think I made the wrong choice. I'll try to pick up my code more this week. Try to be a little brighter, a little more active, and just work hard towards my goals.

Note 2

I'm hoping to really get the basics of python down pat. But if I'm going to be honest I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Not too sure what I'll do for my first project. I should definitely start one though before the end of the quarter.

Note 1

I'm not really sure how this will go but I think having a space for the next year to discuss my thoughts will be nice to have.