College student attempting to wade through life.

Note 25

Hello internet. I'm currently at school. With everyone having returned onto campus, it's definitely different from last year. I'd like to cautiously say that it makes the school better, but the negatives definitely outweigh the positives. I'm still looking to transfer schools, but I'll actually be looking to attend reasonable universities with higher acceptance rates for transfers. Currently the list is Northwestern, USC, Vanderbilt, and possibly WashU but holy god that school is so boring. Apologies if any of you went to WashU but their website actually just puts me to sleep. In any case, these schools are reputable and have higher acceptance rates for transfers. I'll also be looking at my state school since its computer science department is quite good (i can suffer for 2 years, it's fine).

In terms of cs, I've decided to pursue AI/Machine Learning and Cybersecurity. I think these two fields interest me the most. I'll probably put more focus towards AI and cybersecurity as a hobby purely from an income perspective since I don't think I'll be able to delve deep enough into security for me to be making an "equivalent" amount to AI when accounting for work put in. I have a tentative plan for this year to boost my application so hopefully I'll end up with better results this time around.

I wasn't going to say that plan but fuck it, most people on here seem to be working adults. I'm planning on cold emailing a bunch of AI professors (preferably working in NLP at UCSD). Hopefully one of them is nice enough to let me work on the grunt work at their lab. That'll be a really nice boost on my application plus for internship applications. I'll also be looking to do project teams with the AI student group on campus, hopefully for both fall and winter quarters which should be a significant boost on my application if we produce something meaningful. This coupled with my classwork should be enough to keep me busy even if I'm suffering a bit.

I should probably try to write more and spill my thoughts when I'm busy in order to remind myself of my goals and what I hope to achieve. Although whenever I say that it never happens huh. Well, enjoy the 2 for 1 this month!

Note 24

It feels like it has been a while, but it's only been about a month. I've finished my job at the Amazon warehouse and I will be studying at home this quarter. I still plan on taking computer science courses but I think I need to think bigger picture. I still have no clue what I'd like to pursue in the future, and. it feels like I'm lying to myself by saying that becoming a software engineer is my path.

A video I just watched by a psychiatrist who focuses on helping video gamers says that I should instead realign what I do in college to fit what I'd like to do in the future. And that future job/goal should come from what I'm passionate about. It's a bit cringey but I honestly only care about video games. I don't really enjoy much else, and escaping into that world interests me more than anything. Obviously I think this goes for most people. Video games are meant to be fun and entertaining, it's not like writing code all day long is the most fun thing in the world. But the mental stimulation from coding literally cannot compare to video games. I love competition and winning, and programming ultimately just doesn't have that. I think the closest thing would be becoming a hacker. Which I've thought about and I'm not really sure if it's what I want to do.

I have a habit of getting somewhat interested, and if there's an easy path to figure things out and obtain at least the basic knowledge to get started I'll just breeze through. But, I also can drop it really quickly if it becomes too boring. That's what I think will happen if I do hacking. I mean clearly I should give it a try before dissing it, but I still would love to pursue something in video games. Preferably not making them. I have zero interest in coding video games. Maybe this quarter I'll really give it my all doing this hacking thing. But I should try to keep the video game industry in the back of my mind. It definitely seems like something I'd love to try.

In other news, I start school again in a couple of days. Here's hoping that this quarter will be a good one. Going to try and put in a lot of work this time around.

Note 23

Well, I think I'm going to continue this programming thing. I still don't know DS and A, but I applied to an internship at a FAANG company with the help of a referral. I know those don't really do much and I need to put in a lot of work myself, but at least it'll get me read!

Being busy with finding housing for the next school year, work, and just general life has just left my head spinning. I just want to relax and play video games but I know that eventually the interview will loom forth and if I don't put in the work now, I will completely fail it. I really need this internship (both for experience and finance wise).

I just feel so self destructive. There are so many times where I feel as if I know what the right actions to take are, but my brain just completely refuses them. It's like the dopamine hits I get from playing video games just completely override everything else. My idiot brain even wants to bring my pc to school even though I have a functioning laptop. I keep wanting to beat my brain into submission, but instead it whoops me every time. Like just now, I chose more expensive housing because I wasn't sure if I was comfortable being around/taking care of kids for about 9 months. 9 months, that would be it. It would just be some driving, I wouldn't be forced to take a job, 9 months. But I just really, really wanted to have a room where I didn't have to worry about kids. WHY. ME.

In any case, I need to wake up in a few hours. I MUST STUDY. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BRAIN. WORK WITH ME HERE.

Note 22

I feel lost. Especially in terms of what I'd like to do career wise. It feels as if most of the people around me have sort of solidified what they'd like to study and how they're planning on using their studies to find a job. I still don't know what I'd like to do. I found that being a product manager could be interesting but honestly I'm not sure if I'd even like the role. Of course the response to this could easily be "oh you haven't even gotten a job as one yet." Well, neither have any of my friends but they've already chosen their paths.

Perhaps I'm just a late bloomer. I went to the doctor for a checkup recently and I've grown a bunch even though I should be slowing down. Maybe I'll use that as an excuse for now. It really sucks that I feel so behind. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel as if what I'm doing is working and I'm working towards my goals. But I literally have none. I want to transfer but, shit, I don't even know what I'd transfer for. Well, it's more so a financial reason transfer if I'm going to be honest.

I can't even mope around for a day without getting yelled at by my mom, so I have to keep doing something. What that thing is, I don't know. Recently I've been working on a sort of web application that creates discord servers. I've been really stuck with the javascript portion. Learning it just seems like hell. I've also learned a bit of SQL which I thought would be super difficult but it's kind of self explanatory.

I just feel like I'm slowly losing this life I'm living. Not in a suicidal way, but more so emerging from a cocoon? I just have a feeling that I may end up dropping out of school and just living on my own, leaving my family and doing things from the ground up basically. I've been thinking of just leaving a lot recently. The likelihood is that I won't do it because it's scary and I doubt I'd survive.

There's just so much turbulence in my life. Things are changing, moving quickly, and I don't know if I can keep up, especially with the lifestyle I currently have. So many questions I'd like to ask, but I guess only time will tell.

Note 21

I have no clue what I want to do after college.

I realized my mom is still a tiger mom today. Forever trying to live vicariously through me, wanting to show me off, screaming at me for not fitting into her timeline for me. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing. I'm leaning towards bad.

I've gotten rejected from colleges, and now even jobs for the summer. I can't feel sorry for myself or mope because then I'll get yelled at. I have to watch what I say or I'll get yelled at. I have to become this robot, only doing exactly what I'm told to do. I feel like every day I'm just losing part of my humanity. My inner voice is fucking screaming. I don't know what I want to do. And I feel so boxed into this coding thing, that I'm not even sure I want to pursue.

Like, I just. don't. know. Why can't that be an acceptable fucking answer? I'm back to using video games to quiet everything around me. To muffle the voices and give me reprieve from the choices I have to make. Even for a little while. But that came to a close today.

With everything going just oh so terribly, it makes me wonder if I should even still be existing. Perhaps my existence is some sort of glitch, and the world is just making it harder for me to continue as so to remove my existence. Whenever I feel like I'm making progress there's this mental iron wall. I've hit it so many times. I can't go through.

Why is it so hard?

I just wish it was easier.

Note 20

I've moved past colleges more or less, and am just looking toward working to the future. I hope to become a product manager, earning enough to support myself as well as have enough to give my mom the luxuries she deserves. And I suppose before you read any further, I just watched a movie with suicidal themes and it really made me think about my own life. So, be prepared.

I've had suicidal thoughts before, well, i don't know how close they count to real but I suppose they did come up. It was around the time I started to slip up in my school work, roughly around middle school. I just started to care less and my mom would just get angrier and angrier. Something just didn't click in my head, not like it really does now anyway. I just don't, and still don't understand why I can't just do the work. It's all there in front of me, I'm smart enough to know exactly what I should be doing to secure my future. Hell, most of my high school friends are well on track to do this, attending some of the best universities across the nation, working throughout the summer to perfect their craft etc. And here's me just bashing my skull against the wall just to sit down and do my fucking homework. And this brings up questions inside of me, like what value do I bring. Objectively, what fucking value do I add. If I was removed from this world, what exactly would happen? Who would show to my funeral? Who would even be that sad? I just, have this enormous feeling that while, yes, I understand that offing myself is literally the worst way to handle any situation, there's always been this seed of doubt or possibly something else that just says I can disappear and life would move on. I feel like if i just removed myself from the equation, my mom could live comfortably not having to pay my massive college tuition, my sister would be able to live more comfortably and just focus on med school, and my friends would all just move on with their own lives. I just feel like an unnecessary character in my own life. It feels like I should be close to figuring out what I want to do. All my friends have, and they're moving with insane precision, speed, and just doing well. So why can't I? What is so fucking wrong with my brain, that it just can't change. I keep fucking running into this problem. It's like the one thing thats just in my way. Every time I just sit and think about it, I run into a fucking wall. I feel like I haven't changed at all in the past 6+ years. Who the fuck am I?

I will probably never kill myself. I'm too scared, too worried about the future to do that. But continuing to run into this wall again, and again, and again, and again without finding any fucking way through, or around it has left me tired. Maybe it's my limit. I don't know. And I just can't keep continuing down this path. I'm just tired.

Note 19

I've officially been rejected by every school I applied to. Unfortunate.

I'm currently planning on attending my local community college next year to sort of "offset" the cost of college this year. It'll also be much more comfortable for me. I don't have much else to say. Bit sad, worried, disappointed etc. I suppose I'll just try again next year.

Note 18

So uh, I may have skipped an entire month. Looking back though, it was pretty uneventful. I just did the same thing over and over again for a month. I'm almost positive that my brain has rotted a bit from that haha.

I'm still waiting on college decisions even though it's been almost two months. Which I suppose is still reasonable but my anxiety says no. Ah well, I suppose I have gotten two decisions but I expected no's from them: Stanford and MIT. They were long shots anyway and I didn't want to regret not applying since there's always that small, small, small, ... well basically 0 percent chance that I get in but it's not completely 0 so... Still waiting on Northwestern, Rice, and Johns Hopkins. My anxiety is pretty much just through the roof and it's ridiculously hard to focus on anything else. I just want to know, you know?

I've decided that I'll drop out of my current university and attend community college next year if transferring doesn't pan out. It just makes way more sense financially and it'll help offset the massive debt that I racked up this year. Honestly, giving no financial aid to out of state students is just ridiculous. Understandable, but ridiculous.

In terms of coding, I'm learning Java this quarter and it's significantly more different than python. I definitely understand now how some programmers can pick up a new language pretty quickly, well probably besides lower level languages (assembly) that seems pretty difficult even for experienced coders. Java seems pretty cool I guess. Well, I'm not really a fan to be honest. There's so much like extra bits and pieces about java that kind of gets "known" in python. I'm finding that I really really like python.

I've been starting to learn machine learning. It seems like a really interesting challenge and something I'm really interested in learning. I'm not really sure whether to start using libraries like tensorflow/pytorch/keras etc. before doing more base level machine learning beforehand. I'm just starting with some basic tutorials and I'll try to make a simple project with that during the summer.

I also have to start thinking about internships and such, which sounds like such a pain. I still have yet to take a data structures and algorithms course which is pretty integral to programming (at least to my knowledge). So I guess I'll be learning that over the summer and trying to make some big project that utilizes it (maybe? idk the course).

my anxiety is through the fucking roof with these college decisions and honestly fuck them. im so fucking done with these schools sitting on their fucking asses and not releasing them. there's no reason after reading 40 thousand applicants over the course of 2 months that you can't take like a week break, come back and read another 500-2k applicants and move the fuck on. like it's ridiculous. how are you going to tell me to my face that you don't know when the decisions are being released. there's no fucking chance in hell that you're not done with reading them. you literally are given the same amount of time from january to march, and then from march to may. like is it that hard? because from what i can tell, it's not even like they spend much time reading applications and decide pretty quickly. what a fucking pain. i just want my decision man. that's all im asking for. i literally couldn't care if i get rejected everywhere, i just want to know.

Note 17

It has certainly been a crazy month. Well, I suppose not too crazy but stressful I'd say. I finally got my professor to turn in his letter of recommendation due to him thinking it was due a month later than it actually was. And now I'm just playing the waiting game.

I gotta say, the quarter system moves by super quickly. Not sure yet if I like it or not in comparison to semester, but as of now it's not so bad. One thing I have yet to experience though are midterms so it'll probably be a bit more rough this quarter as I have a couple of them. Man, online school is rough. I loved the idea of doing a bunch of work at a specific place and coming home to do whatever I wanted. I think that once covid restrictions lift and most people have the vaccine I'll try to return back to that lifestyle. It's so hard to study where you relax.

In terms of computer science skill, I'm looking to make an AI for tetris. I have pretty much no idea where to start, and after watching a few videos it seems pretty daunting. But rather than a chess AI which I wasn't as interested in, I think that this might be fun. The college covid website I was working on kind of fizzled out since my partner and I got bogged down with school work and extracurriculars. I will be learning java this quarter which should give me some more insight on coding, especially since it seems like that this class is moving way faster and goes much more in-depth.

Well, hopefully by next month I'll have at least gotten accepted to one college. Here's to never ending anxiety.

Note 16

It's now the month of March, and I still have a lot of worries regarding this transfer application process. I turned in Johns Hopkins already, and I still have a few more essays to write. I decided that WashU just doesn't interest me as a school and I added MIT secretly without telling my parents. It's sort of consuming my life at this point and is the only thing I can think about. I literally have zero interest in school work. This quarter is coming to a close and it's just so hard to pay attention and focus. I'm sort of sabotaging myself but idk. It's just so hard to focus right now.

I will definitely just put in work towards my finals starting next week since I won't really have much classwork. My brain has just been feeling like mush these past couple of days. I've sort of been regressing from my fall quarter self back to how I was in high school -- never studying, always just playing games. At least now I'm more cognizant of exactly what I should be doing instead.

Oh, I added MIT sort of as a more likely crapshoot in comparison to Stanford. For some reason I just feel like I have a better chance for MIT than Stanford. I also think that I'd fit in pretty well there, although I'd have to learn work ethic or just accelerate my skills in math and coding to where the classes are like review. God, I'm doing all this work just to get a better job in the future + connections. It all just seems so stupid. Idk, maybe thats the wrong way to view all of this. Perhaps it's more about how to best use the resources available so that I can pursue coding. I mean I would guess that's what they're looking for. I mean I really do like programming, but college applications just make what I feel seem twisted and sort of fake. It's so hard to portray exactly how I feel through words. That's why I enjoy just word vomiting my thoughts on to this site. It just feels like I can express myself without everyone seeing.

I think things are a bit hard on everyone mentally. It's been about a year since we've entered this state of lockdown. Although, I hear that Texas is lifting bans on everything. Which is beyond stupid. But it is insane that it's already been a whole year. Hopefully brighter days are ahead soon. For now, back to my essays and studying for my finals.

Note 15

Hmm it appears that the month of january is over and we are 10, almost 11 days into february. I was stressed out of my mind because of everything on my plate. I wanted to do well in school + work on my own projects + join a project team + work on college applications + have time for myself. I ended up dropping my personal project since I thought it was the thing that probably mattered the least.
I'm still really really worried about my college applications, there's just so much work I have to do and not enough time for me to write them how I'd like. Please northwestern, let me in. I'm begging you.
Well, at least I'm somehow doing well in school. I should end with around a 4.0 or 3.9 this quarter. God, school is such a pain in the ass. Well, I'll probably take it easy next quarter and just do school work and play video games and make sure my gpa is good. Trying to do all these things right now is really taking a toll on my brain.
I think I'm learning more about coding with the project team I'm on. I am trying out javascript/nodejs for the first time and god it was a pain just to install nodemon. I still have no real understanding of how to use VSCode so thats nice :) The webscraper project that i mentioned earlier is on backburner. I ran into an issue where I couldn't get information from IFRAMES. I'm thinking of using OCR to scrape the information but the problem is, is that I'd have to keep that info updated weekly which would probably be a pain. We'll see though, I'll work on that in like 2 months.
These days I'm just worried. I have so much riding on getting into either Johns Hopkins, Northwestern, WashU, Rice, and Stanford. I am literally putting all my eggs in one basket. I NEED TO TRANSFER. Maybe i'll add another school but honestly i'm not really passionate about any of the schools on the list besides northwestern. I have no clue what i'll do if I don't get in. I really can't pay for another year at the school I'm at now. I don't know. There's this huge weight over my head that's just slowly lowering. Here's hoping that all my work pays off.

Note 14

Haha, I thought I would write more but I suppose I lied. I've decided to pour most of my efforts into transferring to Northwestern since it fits a lot of what I'm looking for. I still have a lot of work to do. There's the quarter which is starting tomorrow, the essays that I still have to write, and the coding projects that I still have to work on. I'm honestly not sure how I survived in high school. I'm thinking that my essays the first time around weren't up to par with what they were looking for, and reading them again sort of makes me cringe at how off target from the prompt I was. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety these last few days about this quarter. I have a lot riding on the next 8 weeks or so, and I really really want it to go well. For someone who didn't really study, this'll be a make or break quarter for me. The next step in improvement, or I'll just be in shambles which doesn't sound great. But hard work + a bit of luck can achieve a lot, and I can't be sitting on my ass just watching twitch streams or youtube or whatever. I'm worried, but excited. I can prove myself to be better than I was back in high school, or show that I've not really changed much at all. I hope, no, I will do well. Progress update probably end of january, till then, good luck.

Note 13

I told myself that I would write here more since I'm on break so here I am. I've finalized my list of schools: Stanford (haha not gonna happen), Northwestern, WashU, Johns Hopkins, and Rice. Of them all I think I have a decent shot at WashU and Northwestern so here's hoping. For Stanford I'll probably be blunt and very matter of fact in my essays. I'll put forth enough effort that I'll have a little hope but I know that's probably not going to happen. I'm currently starting up a new project which will detect facial expressions using OpenCV and will open up a reddit post from r/makemesuffer if you're happy. That'll be fun, and a good step forward in terms of project complexity. A big one honestly. But, I also have to make a discord bot that checks reactions to messages and gives data. Hopefully that isn't too difficult, I mean the documentation is helpful but writing seems convoluted. Hopefully that works out. I'll try to write again in the next two weeks before classes start up again. I need this next quarter to go well for a good shot. I definitely need to put more effort in studying, I don't think I really studied this quarter. Here's to working harder.

Note 12

Ayyyy, a 2 for 1 special. I think for this post, it'll be more fleshed out rather than sort of the stream of consciousness that it usually is. Maybe. It probably will be just with slightly more structure.

I wasn't really able to express myself or really understand who I was in high school, and even now I'm not really sure what defines ME. I mean, for a high schooler, or really anyone at my age, how are we supposed to choose what we're going to do for the rest of our lives? Obviously I understand that the major we go into doesn't dictate the rest of my life but it could. Some people don't leave their job even after years and years of working there. And honestly that scares me a lot. I don't want to be stuck working the same job, at the same place for years and years. I wan't to grow and move on to bigger and better things. I guess I'm an ambitious person. At least ambitious enough to try and attend one of the top universities in the world. I mean just saying that is insane. If I transfer to the school's I'm looking at it would mean that I was able to reach something that not many people would ever be able to do. And I should be proud of even reaching this far into my academic career. But being complacent isn't something I've liked doing. That's why I like games where theres ways to be better and improve. Where I can test my skill and mettle against others to see who's better. And honestly it seems like I never really understood that.

But then again, even when I join competitive environments in clubs or sports I'm not usually one of the top performers. I'm always sort of in the background. And it's probably because I'll usually start off a bit higher than most and get complacent. So how do I push past that complacency? How do I work to continue bettering myself so I can continue to push ahead? I think this is what could end up allowing me to succeed. Finding that reason and drive to keep improving myself. Because I'm a prideful little cunt, and it feels good to be better than someone else at something.

And for now I've chosen computer science. I can't really turn back now and I have to keep pushing forward. I should pick up a new project soon since I've finished the bitcoin bot. And honestly I really can't tell if it's making money or not but I think it is? I can't get complacent now that I've finished one project, I should keep expanding my portfolio. But, at least for now, I should study for my finals that I have coming up. I have to stay competitive because that's who I am. I definitely have some sort of superiority complex. Maybe because people said I was gifted when I was younger. Perhaps. It does add up, and recently studies have shown that such actions have been causing problems for kids my age.

There's a lot about me that I still don't understand and that's okay. I'm still young and I have a lot of time left to go. Well, assuming no accidents or major illnesses which is wishful thinking. I know that I get complacent too often, which completely clashes with my superiority complex. I know that I'm a person who should feel grateful of where I am but is searching for more. I'm human and I'm still understanding things as I go. And aren't we all?

So I suppose for schools, I should look for generous financial aid first, has a good mix of collaborative and independent learning, and will more likely than not take a CS major. The last one is a bit iffy considering it's popularity but the first two I already have a few schools in mind. I need some place that will let me explore and find things that I'm interested in, rather than lock me down to major specific courses. I need freedom of choice, not a rigid set path because that's what I've done my whole life. I've always been in the shadow of my sibling and I need to find my own way. A lot of my friends did that in high school, and I do feel a bit of shame starting this late. But, progress is progress, and I need to move forward.

Note 11

I'm currently procrastinating on some work that I have to get done by midnight tonight but oh well, I really wanted somewhere to put my thoughts. I'm starting to look into how I can maximize my transfer chances and for a CS major, the options are pretty slim. I mean, in recent times CS or some variation of it is probably the most popular major among the top 20 colleges in the US. So, it's pretty tough to find schools that will take CS majors so they can add to their program. Honestly, some of these kids are gifted out of their minds or have just chosen the right skill to hone over years of work. So I think my primary chances are for a couple of schools namely Vanderbilt and Northwestern which are good schools in their own right and will give me the financial aid I need to freely pursue a college education without burden. But, i don't know. I don't really like settling for bottom half of the top schools. And I know that sounds pretentious because hell if anyone got into those schools they could probably get into any of those top schools. But, I don't know if I'll be satisfied playing second fiddle to, I don't know, a Stanford or Harvard. I think this is just one of those things that I just have to live with. I messed up in high school. I should've put in way more work but I didn't. It's probably my biggest regret in the few years I've lived on this planet. Kind of silly :) And as much as I'd like to say I've learned from my mistakes, it's been hard to give up that easy going lifestyle I had. That's the truth and ultimately it's going to be there and will never leave. I suppose I'm just searching for less regrets in my life. And for now, I'll work hard to make sure I minimize the ones that I do have.

Note 10

It has been exactly one whole month since my last post. That's certainly quite some time, and a lot has happened in the span of a month. I've really progressed in my coding adventures and i got a part time job for a discord server which is really cool. My stock program is pretty close to done, just have to work on removing data after there's enough points. Personally, i've found that I still have a lot of growing up to do especially in terms of managing my time. I really just want to be a degenerate and do nothing but watch/play video games. But, especially with this part time role, I have way more push to learn and improve my coding skills. It'll definitely help out my transfer application. It just sucks since that part of my brain that just wants to do nothing is so large that it just takes over sometimes. Unfortunate, but can't really do anything about it except to keep trying to focus on my goals and whether what I'm doing will help out. Adulting is tough. I'll probably write more this month since winter break is coming up soon, and I'll probably start college essays and finalize my list.