D

Denny

No filter, just thoughts coming from a Gen Z-er

Note 42

I've thought about it a little bit more, and to be honest I'm lost. I already know that there's no one who has all the answers, or that will give me a golden ticket. I understand this. But damn if I wish that could happen to me. I just want someone to take a chance on me, give me an opportunity at a higher level, and I'll do everything else from there. Issue with that is, I know I wouldn't have technically earned it. I would have gotten extremely lucky. But after hearing so many stories of how p...
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Note 41

I have currently decided to go down the route of esports. I'll be working as a manager for teams, guns blazing for this next month. If I don't feel like I will have a future after this month, I think I'll just drop the idea all together. Which seems like a pretty shitty plan considering I, myself, can't really do much to stand out. It's pretty reliant on finding a really good team that can rise through the ranks. And those teams are hard to come by. But, right now, looking at things objectively,...
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Note 40

I don't really have much to say, but I felt like I should write something. I'm a bit worried as to how I'm approaching my future. I have no clue whether or not I'm taking the right steps. I have no clue whether or not I'm even going into the right field. I'm a little lost right now. But I'm just going to take slow and steady steps forward in the midst of everything I'm doing right now. If things pan out, great. If they don't, well, it's worrying but not the end of the world. I just want to feel ...
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Note 39

I feel like I'm in a state of emotional turmoil. After having to deal with essentially a fight between children, coming to terms with the fact that I will never see my aunt again, poorly attempting to move on from a crush, and just the stress that comes with procrastinating, my subconsciousness probably isn't having the best of times. I could be depressed. That's a very real possibility. Maybe I'm fine and I'm just trying to cope. I watched a video on gifted kids and some psychology behind the...
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Note 38

I have the notification that an update is available (i'm on mac) and there's literally no button to actually update. It's pretty annoying. I can't lie. I do still have lingering feelings of the person I liked. Well "like" I guess is the grammatically correct verb. But it's definitely lessened. Especially with some more things I've learned about her which aren't particularly good. One could say that they're actually pretty bad. But it's a bit up for interpretation. I had to deal with a pretty...
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Note 37

I've thought about it more, and it sucks. It really just feels bad. But, there's not much I want to do about it. I'm too conflict-averse to ever consider pushing the issue. Why risk something that I'm fine with right now for something that's not at least more probable to happen than not. Whoa that phrase is wack. But I think that's reasonable and logical. Usually things that don't apply to love. But, it's how I operate, and how I'll continue to operate. Maybe I'll feel strongly enough about some...
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Note 36

oh thank god. she's seeing somebody. this makes my life so much easier to live. holy fuck. It's like a huge weight off my chest. It's one less thing to worry about. I can just be a friend. I can't lie that it does suck because I like her. But, thankfully I don't have to think about the what ifs or any hypotheticals if they can't happen. I can be me. Although it might seem bad for me it's such a big worry that I don't even have to think about anymore. It's bittersweet but a little more sweet th...
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Note 35

I looked over what I wrote yesterday, and holy shit I sound like a pretentious asshole. Please never let me write anything after 12 AM. So then what am I going to do? I'm going to be nice. Courteous. Respectful. Treat her like everyone else. Act normal. If anything happens, great. If nothing does, great. Thinking and stressing about something like this messed me up last quarter with my studies and work. I don't want that to keep happening. Whether that means managing my emotions better, or con...
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Note 34

Do you know whats scary about falling for someone? You fail to become objective about them. Any red flags, any personality trait that hints at something more dangerous, literally anything that would normally irk you about a person, you become blind to it. I've always prided myself on being objective. Logical. Being able to see things as they truly are, rather than being blinded by emotion. But holy fuck. How are you supposed to do that when all you want to look at is how pretty or funny or whate...
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Note 33

Ya know, school is a lot easier than I thought. Maybe that's a stretch. I didn't do amazing this quarter, but I definitely performed better than I thought I would have going in. It's the summer now, and I'm juggling 4 different things: work, research, summer school, and running an esports club/team. It's definitely keeping me busy, and I feel tired every day. But, I think this is a good experience for me. Something about having all of this work to do is fun. It's like the saying "forged in flame...
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Note 32

Hello. It has been an eventful few months. I have acquired a research position at my university, as well as a job! So things are on the up. Honestly I think it was more of a me being cooped up in my room problem than anything. Meeting new people, doing new things, working to become more active within my life. I have a really optimistic outlook right now. I think I could put a little more effort to my studies, but things are ok right now. I am cautiously happy, a little stressed, but I have an i...
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Note 31

If there's any oI'm writing my college applications and if there's any one moment I'd love to talk about but it's probably not worth the hassle it's when I got bullied. I feel like it was such a huge part of why I am the way I am now, and it just feels wrong to not discuss it at least a bit. But i have no idea how to approach it. So, here's the raw unedited story, and maybe along the way I'll figure out how to use it :D High school. A key few years in the life of a student. It decides a lot in ...
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Note 30

I did not do well this quarter in terms of grades. Oh well. But, I think I definitely improved in terms of what I need to do in order to be successful in an academic setting. Going out and studying in an environment where everyone was just working hard rather than where there was a ton of discussion and chaos was really helpful. Whenever I try to write it feels really awkward. I just can't seem to get all the things I feel onto the page. I want to so badly just pour what I am onto the page bu...
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Note 29

I spent most of the day working today. Outside my dorm room. Felt good. Ending this semester with a final push. Hope it goes well. ...
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Note 28

The more I think, the more my to-do list grows, the more my dreams seem literally impossible, and the more my head hurts. I can't focus, I can't do homework, I can't live normally. It's all just so hard. I need a break. please. Maybe I'm fucking bipolar. I have such good highs, awful lows, or maybe it's adhd. fuck if i know. i have too many questions, and no answers. who the fuck has the answers. ...
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Note 27

I've decided that I'd like to study abroad next year, whether it's in the fall or spring semester. Preferably a Korean university since I'd like to see what life is like in my ethnic country. Really that's the only reason why, plus it'd be interesting to see what kind of students get into Korea's top universities and kind of measure myself up to them. Which in a way is a really weird reason to go. As if I'm trying to prove to myself a couple of things: 1, that I am as smart or smarter than the a...
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Note 26

I am writing this while procrastinating on homework and the 5 lectures i need to watch in order to complete it, along with one of the supposedly hardest coding assignments so far. Wonderful. I think I'm slowly settling into a rhythm, but honestly I still have a lot of hesitation in terms of what I'd like to aim for after college. I think pursuing something in ML/AI would be really cool and interesting but it doesn't feel "right" you know? Even this minute sort of rhythm I'm sort of starting to f...
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Note 25

Hello internet. I'm currently at school. With everyone having returned onto campus, it's definitely different from last year. I'd like to cautiously say that it makes the school better, but the negatives definitely outweigh the positives. I'm still looking to transfer schools, but I'll actually be looking to attend reasonable universities with higher acceptance rates for transfers. Currently the list is Northwestern, USC, Vanderbilt, and possibly WashU but holy god that school is so boring. Apol...
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Note 24

It feels like it has been a while, but it's only been about a month. I've finished my job at the Amazon warehouse and I will be studying at home this quarter. I still plan on taking computer science courses but I think I need to think bigger picture. I still have no clue what I'd like to pursue in the future, and. it feels like I'm lying to myself by saying that becoming a software engineer is my path. A video I just watched by a psychiatrist who focuses on helping video gamers says that I sho...
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Note 23

Well, I think I'm going to continue this programming thing. I still don't know DS and A, but I applied to an internship at a FAANG company with the help of a referral. I know those don't really do much and I need to put in a lot of work myself, but at least it'll get me read! Being busy with finding housing for the next school year, work, and just general life has just left my head spinning. I just want to relax and play video games but I know that eventually the interview will loom forth and i...
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Note 22

I feel lost. Especially in terms of what I'd like to do career wise. It feels as if most of the people around me have sort of solidified what they'd like to study and how they're planning on using their studies to find a job. I still don't know what I'd like to do. I found that being a product manager could be interesting but honestly I'm not sure if I'd even like the role. Of course the response to this could easily be "oh you haven't even gotten a job as one yet." Well, neither have any of my ...
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Note 21

I have no clue what I want to do after college. I realized my mom is still a tiger mom today. Forever trying to live vicariously through me, wanting to show me off, screaming at me for not fitting into her timeline for me. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing. I'm leaning towards bad. I've gotten rejected from colleges, and now even jobs for the summer. I can't feel sorry for myself or mope because then I'll get yelled at. I have to watch what I say or I'll get yelled at. I have to beco...
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Note 20

I've moved past colleges more or less, and am just looking toward working to the future. I hope to become a product manager, earning enough to support myself as well as have enough to give my mom the luxuries she deserves. And I suppose before you read any further, I just watched a movie with suicidal themes and it really made me think about my own life. So, be prepared. I've had suicidal thoughts before, well, i don't know how close they count to real but I suppose they did come up. It was aro...
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Note 19

I've officially been rejected by every school I applied to. Unfortunate. I'm currently planning on attending my local community college next year to sort of "offset" the cost of college this year. It'll also be much more comfortable for me. I don't have much else to say. Bit sad, worried, disappointed etc. I suppose I'll just try again next year. ...
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Note 18

So uh, I may have skipped an entire month. Looking back though, it was pretty uneventful. I just did the same thing over and over again for a month. I'm almost positive that my brain has rotted a bit from that haha. I'm still waiting on college decisions even though it's been almost two months. Which I suppose is still reasonable but my anxiety says no. Ah well, I suppose I have gotten two decisions but I expected no's from them: Stanford and MIT. They were long shots anyway and I didn't want ...
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Note 17

It has certainly been a crazy month. Well, I suppose not too crazy but stressful I'd say. I finally got my professor to turn in his letter of recommendation due to him thinking it was due a month later than it actually was. And now I'm just playing the waiting game. I gotta say, the quarter system moves by super quickly. Not sure yet if I like it or not in comparison to semester, but as of now it's not so bad. One thing I have yet to experience though are midterms so it'll probably be a bit mo...
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Note 16

It's now the month of March, and I still have a lot of worries regarding this transfer application process. I turned in Johns Hopkins already, and I still have a few more essays to write. I decided that WashU just doesn't interest me as a school and I added MIT secretly without telling my parents. It's sort of consuming my life at this point and is the only thing I can think about. I literally have zero interest in school work. This quarter is coming to a close and it's just so hard to pay atten...
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Note 15

Hmm it appears that the month of january is over and we are 10, almost 11 days into february. I was stressed out of my mind because of everything on my plate. I wanted to do well in school + work on my own projects + join a project team + work on college applications + have time for myself. I ended up dropping my personal project since I thought it was the thing that probably mattered the least. I'm still really really worried about my college applications, there's just so much work I have to d...
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Note 14

Haha, I thought I would write more but I suppose I lied. I've decided to pour most of my efforts into transferring to Northwestern since it fits a lot of what I'm looking for. I still have a lot of work to do. There's the quarter which is starting tomorrow, the essays that I still have to write, and the coding projects that I still have to work on. I'm honestly not sure how I survived in high school. I'm thinking that my essays the first time around weren't up to par with what they were looking ...
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Note 13

I told myself that I would write here more since I'm on break so here I am. I've finalized my list of schools: Stanford (haha not gonna happen), Northwestern, WashU, Johns Hopkins, and Rice. Of them all I think I have a decent shot at WashU and Northwestern so here's hoping. For Stanford I'll probably be blunt and very matter of fact in my essays. I'll put forth enough effort that I'll have a little hope but I know that's probably not going to happen. I'm currently starting up a new project whic...
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