Note 51

I'm terrified of what comes next. I graduate in a month and a half without a job in this terrible economic climate, world war 3 on the horizon, and am leaving this institution without much change from when I came in. Or, at least, that's how I feel. I've lived the past four years in constant regret. I've always felt like I should've capitalized on more opportunities or done more things. But it's hard to not continue to do so. I don't know what I want to do, my interest wax and wane, and I live each day just floating from one to the next.

It's genuinely so impressive to me that some people are able to find an interest and commit to it. To follow through with it through the ups and downs. To never give up. I suppose part of that is the paycheck it provides. I don't know what to pursue. I'm interested in so much, yet know so little. I'm afraid that taking one step forward means closing so many doors. Yet, it's better to take a step than not move at all isn't it. It doesn't really change the fact that I'm afraid though. I guess I'm a bit of a wuss.

It's pretty funny. My major in cognitive science is such a reflection of my indecision. A field that combines neuroscience, computer science, linguistics, and psychology among others. I know I can succeed in whatever I choose to pursue. I know that I can be close to the top. But, I just am terrified of pigeonholing myself into one thing. Which is hilarious because I haven't even done one to its fullest extent yet.

Hopefully I can find an answer. Maybe tomorrow, a week, month, year, i don't know when. Would be nice if it was sooner rather than later.