Note 49

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. As I usually do whenever I start writing here. And given the state of the job market, and my current skills, I have a very abysmal chance of getting a decent job out of college. And that's pretty terrifying. It's effectively the culmination of years of work and schooling just to be an unemployed 22 year old with 200 thousand dollars of debt. That's pretty sad. It's also sad that the end result of the education system is to grind the corporate ladder in some field you HOPE that you enjoy all while making some rich bastard even richer. To be fair, the life I want to live doesn't really provide much benefit to society so slaving away for wages is probably better than being a leech. It honestly feels like I say that I'm doing things for the sake of saying it. I don't really do things because I actually want to do them. I do things because it seems like the appropriate thing to say at the time, and the appropriate action to take. I'm really not sure if that's how I'm supposed to live. I have nothing I want to do. I have nothing I'm living for. I have nothing to look forward to. I mean that has to be a sign of some kind of mental disorder. Right? It's not normal for someone to continue through life without some sort of goal or thing they want to achieve. I could just be severely depressed but I've repressed it so much to the point that I haven't openly addressed it to any real human over any real interactions. And subsequently maybe it's the reason I sometimes feel like all the relationships I have with other people are superficial. While they are living their lives, I am just a side character in theirs that happens to pop in from time to time. And that kind of thought that your entire life, your entire reason of being is to be the side character in other people's lives is pretty sad. I should be the main character of my own life. I should have thoughts and feelings of things I want to do and happen. And sometimes I do. But looking back on those thoughts and feelings, I can't help but think that I just manufactured those in order to feel more like the other people that are around me. I am an alien in my own skin. I have no clue who I am. I don't really have a distinct personality. I don't have a particular thing that sticks out about me when people think of me. Who am I? I've lost my sense of self. My being. Growing up I never thought about these things. I didn't really have to. I think as I grew up I started to pick up on things more. Trying to be more "right". Be more normal. Say the right things at the right times. Fit in. Become the crowd. And I think I've done that well enough and perhaps so much that I don't have any shred of uniqueness left. I don't know who I am. Everything about me is just plain.

What do I even do to solve this problem. Do I just need to talk to more people? Open up? I know I'm not particularly special. Which means that other people probably have had this issue as well. But who the fuck knows.

Sometimes I feel like a person who has lived past their expiration date.