Note 48
November 5, 2023•196 words
Reading back on a lot of these posts, most of them are pretty depressing. haha. I guess I really only use this blog to vent out my frustrations and inadequacies. Really wish there was a reset button or time machine. Not that I could really do much better or fix a lot of stuff, but I just want to try a bit harder. I just wish I was able to do more. It feels awful looking back and regretting not having done more.
If it's such a consistent problem I sometimes think I have some sort of mental disorder. It would probably make sense. Maybe I'll get checked. But confirming it's not some sort of mental disorder is terrifying. The thought of having all my actions being laid upon my own shoulders, unexplainable by anything else, is scary. Because this isn't who I WANT to be. But having it be who I AM, is sad. I want to be more, I want to be better, I don't want to continue smashing my head against the same fucking wall for the past 8 years of my life unable to find a way through or over.
help. please.