Note 47

I can't stop thinking about what I'll do after I graduate. I feel awful having spent these last four years in the way that I have. I've had 0 motivation, 0 drive to do anything but think about video games, and even that hasn't turned into anything fruitful. I'm so afraid of committing to something, to really put all my eggs in one basket that I end up doing nothing at all, or just a half assed job at a bunch of things. And because of that I'm leaving university with more debt than probably any one else in my grade, and without a plan to pay it all back.

I'm afraid. It's something that continues to loom over my head, and due to the size of it I can't help but think about it.

I realized I'm not really a programmer. Or coder, or whatever you want to call it. I just thought it was an interesting field, and itched a small part of my brain that liked to solve problems. But I can't see myself doing this long term. To be honest, I'm not sure why I didn't just go for the medicine route, or at least research in biology. It's probably just about the only thing I really see myself doing. At least long term. I should've just gone where it was cheap. At least then I could justify fucking around and trying things.

All I do is worry, yet do nothing. And the worry worsens, leading me to do less, only increasing my problems. What the fuck am I doing.