Note 63

Well, guess who's back to yap about the same things again. Yeah that's right it's me again mfers. Things appear at least on the surface level to be progressing at work. I'm enjoying my time a bit more and having a bit more fun but I'll be honest I'm still not confident in whether we'll have a good product or not. I'm mostly just hoping that we have something good enough that we get bought out by a major corporation and I end up working for some big tech company or some hedge fund that wants our tech and continue to work on it.

In other aspects of my life, I guess the main one is that I've been quite stagnant. I'm not really making any meaningful progression in any particular area, and I feel like there's not much more for me to achieve or work towards. This thought is honestly a bit scary because I've spent the last 23 and some years of my life working towards something, whether it was in academics, sports, or video games. Now I'm just floating by. Is this how you're supposed to feel? I would assume the answer is no. But maybe this is it. Which FUCKING blows. I really don't think that this should really be all that there is to life. I guess part of it is that I've never really had to go searching for that next challenge myself and then stick with it. I suppose esports but honestly I can't really say that I stuck with it. More that I had periods of interest and non-interest and stuck it out during those down periods because I had to.

Honestly, I have no idea how to commit myself to something where it's just me. Where I am the sole person involved and the one making the decisions. Things where you're doing things alone. Like choosing to pick up an instrument, or go do something that doesn't really rely on other people to keep yourself accountable. I have genuinely never done anything like that. Even for music, I really only kept doing it because well, it WAS and honestly still is fun, but I can't say that being part of an orchestra WASN'T a driving force in that. Same with playing the saxophone, and piano was just forced onto me when my mom was still a tiger mom. Because of these things, amongst the other extracurricular activities I have chosen to partake in, I'm now realizing that if there isn't a sense of community to it then I'm not particularly interested in pursuing it. Granted part of that is a reason why I do like music in the first place. Although it has community, it's primarily a solo endeavor. And the feeling that I get when playing music isn't really found in other aspects of my life. Perhaps that will be my next pursuit.

In any case, still feeling stagnant. Improving in one area, sitting in others. I'm worried. But only a little. Maybe it's just an incubation period and I should really use this time well. At least that's the hope :)