Note 45

How do you decide to pursue something?

The only real thing I want to do is just while away my time while playing video games and consuming content on the internet. Which, admittedly. probably isn't a good thing. But, nothing really appeals to me. I think the closest thing would be working in the esports scene, probably in competitive operations or something in that vein. Academically, probably interpretability research in machine learning.

Of these options, or any derivative of these options, or any option that exists aside from these options, it requires either an unfair advantage, or extreme luck, or just something that I'm not interested in doing, in order to obtain these positions. Granted, I think if I really wanted to work in a field of interest I could just put in that time and effort, and it could pay off. But even then it's not certain. And honestly, I hate things that are uncertain. It's probably a lot of why I hate applying to stuff. I think if you have the skills and ability to do the job or learn the skills for the job while on the job quickly, you should get that job. It's honestly ridiculous how closed off or just difficult it is to get any position.

Maybe I've just wasted my time, and I'm the one to blame. Which, granted, is a fair assessment. But I did try to make honest efforts into the fields that I am interested in. They kind of fell apart, maybe I left too early, which sort of was and also wasn't my fault. But I'm just tired of putting in effort just for it to not pay off. It's honestly ridiculous. And I can't try to do two things at once with full effort. I really do try when I have people depending on me. I just don't really know where I go wrong.

But it's always a me problem. In the end, I know that. I know that it is up to me to do whatever I can. It's simply tiring that when I do try, it often doesn't pay off.