Note 39

I feel like I'm in a state of emotional turmoil. After having to deal with essentially a fight between children, coming to terms with the fact that I will never see my aunt again, poorly attempting to move on from a crush, and just the stress that comes with procrastinating, my subconsciousness probably isn't having the best of times.

I could be depressed. That's a very real possibility. Maybe I'm fine and I'm just trying to cope. I watched a video on gifted kids and some psychology behind them. It mainly discussed how out of touch we are with our emotions. Have to say that I agree. I feel like I'm improving at dealing with emotions, but in terms of recognizing how I feel, not so much. I also would like to point out that dealing and expressing emotion are two separate abilities, and I cannot express emotions well either.

I think the worst part is that I don't feel close enough to anyone to vent all these thoughts and feelings to. I think having someone like that would be nice. Will such a thing happen? Probably not. Opening myself up to people has always lead to them leaving, usually not of their own accord so there's really no point in doing so. Obviously yes, the occasions in which those things happened are unrelated and correlation does not imply causation but I can't help but be like this. It's also just hard to just dump all these things onto someone who's not prepared nor vested in you.

Who knows. Maybe one of my friends is emotionally available for something like this. But all the people I talk to are at least somewhat tied to my problems. Well maybe except 1. But I don't think it's right to dump everything onto him either. Maybe separating my issues amongst the people I talk to is better. Not a half bad idea. Will I act on this? Likely not. I just keep my true feelings close to me. So unless directly asked in a more 1 on 1 setting, I probably wouldn't just go and tell anyone.

This sucks. But I understand that by improving this one aspect of my life can be very helpful down the line. It's just hard to juggle everything while also trying to improve myself.