Note 27

I've decided that I'd like to study abroad next year, whether it's in the fall or spring semester. Preferably a Korean university since I'd like to see what life is like in my ethnic country. Really that's the only reason why, plus it'd be interesting to see what kind of students get into Korea's top universities and kind of measure myself up to them. Which in a way is a really weird reason to go. As if I'm trying to prove to myself a couple of things: 1, that I am as smart or smarter than the average SKY university student, and 2 that even though my university is lower ranked it's like not my fault or something? I don't know. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe it's dumb. In any case, it's more so to live in the country for a bit since I've really never been. Unless we count a couple month long stay there when I was 5. The only concrete memory I still have is accidentally being given soju and not water during a dinner. lol.

I think my main issue is that I'm not really confident in my self. I'd like to think I have high self esteem/pride but lately and over the course of the past year and a half I've been questioning it a lot. I've noticed that I realize things just a little too late, which causes problems for me in the future. Knowing this is a step in the right direction I suppose, but taking steps to correct this is insanely difficult. It's basically asking me to sort of ditch the life I currently live in order to achieve the life I want. Whatever that is.

I have no clue whether CS is still right for me. I don't want to realize too late that I hate it and would rather be doing something else. I don't want to waste my remaining years at university, coming out the other end with just a piece of paper to show for my four years. I do not want a repeat of high school.

I sort of brought up self confidence because it feels like my high achieving friends at top universities are all very sure of themselves. At least on the outside. Obviously they're still my age and probably struggle with similar problems, but from the outside looking in, their self esteem and confidence is just so much higher than my own. Plus it feels genuine. I feel like my confidence is fake. And until I gain that confidence I don't know if I'll find what I want to do.

I suppose I could backtrack from what my dream occupation would be and try to find something close or adjacent to it that seems like a reasonable job that I can get through education. Ok. Dream occupation: play video games and get paid for it. That would be great. I could live how I'd like, doing the thing I love, all while getting money. I suppose a job close to it that I could get with a college degree is perhaps some sort of testing? Like quality assurance. Not really sure what I should be working towards in education to move towards that though. Even then I don't really know if that sounds super appealing.

I could just be an indecisive dumbass. Mhm. Yeah, definitely a possibility.

But, until I realize what I want to work towards, I can't be applying to universities, or thinking of studying abroad, working towards an internship, or even doing class work. Without understanding who I am and through that what I want to work towards, how am I supposed to find motivation to put in any effort? All the bullshit you see in TV shows where a person's motivation is for their family or revenge just seems a bit much. I don't see how those can be motivating enough for you to just work. At least for me. It could completely work for other people. Not to discredit anyone who is going through that at the moment.

But, knowing really what I'd like to work towards means setting my environment up for success. I have no reason to attend a top private school if my only goal is to just play video games. Might as well go to a cheap university with academics easy enough that I can get A's while trying my hardest to "blow up" on the internet. Right? But this logical side of my brain keeps telling me that it's a dumb idea, and I'll likely regret doing this. Because fuck going to a low ranking university when I literally can aim for the top. Bit of ego appearing I suppose.

Another problem is, is that I sort of enjoy cs. But it's the next step to where I do real work, or projects that actually take a bit of time and effort that makes me hesitate. I don't want to shy away from this field if it's because I'm being lazy, but I also don't know if it's something I really want to pursue. The appeal of money honestly isn't strong enough to drive me to do Leetcode, make projects, aim for FAANG companies or HFTs. But then I also do want to aim for that. I want to be making a lot of money, working for a super well known company, being impressive. Who doesn't? Don't answer because I know damn well a lot of people don't.

I don't like this spot I'm in. It's not enjoyable. I'm sort of picking the route my life will go in for at least the next 2+ years. And that's scary. I don't want to mess up. Obviously I'm still young and have time to mess up. But I'd also just like to make the right choice for once. I feel like I'm in this position now because I've made so many incorrect choices. Eventually you'd think I'd learn. I guess I'm a bit dense.

Damn I wish life was easier. I'll probably completely ignore school work for the next couple of days while pretending that I'm thinking about this, while keeping my mind busy by playing games or watching people play games :D. Till next time.