Note 26

I am writing this while procrastinating on homework and the 5 lectures i need to watch in order to complete it, along with one of the supposedly hardest coding assignments so far. Wonderful. I think I'm slowly settling into a rhythm, but honestly I still have a lot of hesitation in terms of what I'd like to aim for after college. I think pursuing something in ML/AI would be really cool and interesting but it doesn't feel "right" you know? Even this minute sort of rhythm I'm sort of starting to feel out for this quarter is just that: minute. I'm struggling honestly, and even though I have in person classes, it's rough to attend them and it becomes so easy to just not go.

I got an invitation to join this professor's research which is really just a recruitment for people to work on his open source project of which I've seen very little PR's in the last few months. Which is a bit disappointing considering, but I suppose I'll have to work on it to some point so I can at least discuss it in interviews.

School is so fucking hard. I wish it was easier or I could just shift my brain to focus but that's just excuses I guess. Or am I just double crossing what is really happening and I do have something wrong with my brain. Possible. Unlikely, but possible.

I just wish it was a bit easier. Working my way up to a better school, a better internship, a better job. There's so much work to be done to move up the ladder, but it's so easy to fall. Sometimes I feel like the rock bottom motivator above all else is this excessive amount of pride I had from being told I was smart when I was young. I feel like I should still be living up to that. And not being able to do so just feels awful. Whether that's a toxic mindset or a decent motivator is to be decided, but for now I guess it'll work as motivation.

I can be better. I can do better. And I will become better.