Note 30

I did not do well this quarter in terms of grades. Oh well.

But, I think I definitely improved in terms of what I need to do in order to be successful in an academic setting. Going out and studying in an environment where everyone was just working hard rather than where there was a ton of discussion and chaos was really helpful.

Whenever I try to write it feels really awkward. I just can't seem to get all the things I feel onto the page. I want to so badly just pour what I am onto the page but it always comes out as awkward and like stuttery? Like when I try to write this college essay which is really more of a creative writing assignment, I want to relate it to myself following the prompt. But, I feel so stuck and anything else I write feels like an unnecessary extension. And I haven't written much. I probably won't get in anyway. My grades are a dumpster fire in comparison to what they should be. I wish this whole school thing was a bit easier. There's just so many other things I want to try before committing myself to just academia and then a job. I mean, I realized that I want to do cognitive science with more of a focus towards computing/AI. But committing to it means really delving deep, understanding things like deep learning and how to code it. But I just don't feel ready. I still love video games. And it's always been something about video games. But time continues to move in a linear fashion. I can't go back. But there's nothing else I'd love to do but go back. Desperately.

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