Note 20

I've moved past colleges more or less, and am just looking toward working to the future. I hope to become a product manager, earning enough to support myself as well as have enough to give my mom the luxuries she deserves. And I suppose before you read any further, I just watched a movie with suicidal themes and it really made me think about my own life. So, be prepared.

I've had suicidal thoughts before, well, i don't know how close they count to real but I suppose they did come up. It was around the time I started to slip up in my school work, roughly around middle school. I just started to care less and my mom would just get angrier and angrier. Something just didn't click in my head, not like it really does now anyway. I just don't, and still don't understand why I can't just do the work. It's all there in front of me, I'm smart enough to know exactly what I should be doing to secure my future. Hell, most of my high school friends are well on track to do this, attending some of the best universities across the nation, working throughout the summer to perfect their craft etc. And here's me just bashing my skull against the wall just to sit down and do my fucking homework. And this brings up questions inside of me, like what value do I bring. Objectively, what fucking value do I add. If I was removed from this world, what exactly would happen? Who would show to my funeral? Who would even be that sad? I just, have this enormous feeling that while, yes, I understand that offing myself is literally the worst way to handle any situation, there's always been this seed of doubt or possibly something else that just says I can disappear and life would move on. I feel like if i just removed myself from the equation, my mom could live comfortably not having to pay my massive college tuition, my sister would be able to live more comfortably and just focus on med school, and my friends would all just move on with their own lives. I just feel like an unnecessary character in my own life. It feels like I should be close to figuring out what I want to do. All my friends have, and they're moving with insane precision, speed, and just doing well. So why can't I? What is so fucking wrong with my brain, that it just can't change. I keep fucking running into this problem. It's like the one thing thats just in my way. Every time I just sit and think about it, I run into a fucking wall. I feel like I haven't changed at all in the past 6+ years. Who the fuck am I?

I will probably never kill myself. I'm too scared, too worried about the future to do that. But continuing to run into this wall again, and again, and again, and again without finding any fucking way through, or around it has left me tired. Maybe it's my limit. I don't know. And I just can't keep continuing down this path. I'm just tired.