Note 21

I have no clue what I want to do after college.

I realized my mom is still a tiger mom today. Forever trying to live vicariously through me, wanting to show me off, screaming at me for not fitting into her timeline for me. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing. I'm leaning towards bad.

I've gotten rejected from colleges, and now even jobs for the summer. I can't feel sorry for myself or mope because then I'll get yelled at. I have to watch what I say or I'll get yelled at. I have to become this robot, only doing exactly what I'm told to do. I feel like every day I'm just losing part of my humanity. My inner voice is fucking screaming. I don't know what I want to do. And I feel so boxed into this coding thing, that I'm not even sure I want to pursue.

Like, I just. don't. know. Why can't that be an acceptable fucking answer? I'm back to using video games to quiet everything around me. To muffle the voices and give me reprieve from the choices I have to make. Even for a little while. But that came to a close today.

With everything going just oh so terribly, it makes me wonder if I should even still be existing. Perhaps my existence is some sort of glitch, and the world is just making it harder for me to continue as so to remove my existence. Whenever I feel like I'm making progress there's this mental iron wall. I've hit it so many times. I can't go through.

Why is it so hard?

I just wish it was easier.