Note 22

I feel lost. Especially in terms of what I'd like to do career wise. It feels as if most of the people around me have sort of solidified what they'd like to study and how they're planning on using their studies to find a job. I still don't know what I'd like to do. I found that being a product manager could be interesting but honestly I'm not sure if I'd even like the role. Of course the response to this could easily be "oh you haven't even gotten a job as one yet." Well, neither have any of my friends but they've already chosen their paths.

Perhaps I'm just a late bloomer. I went to the doctor for a checkup recently and I've grown a bunch even though I should be slowing down. Maybe I'll use that as an excuse for now. It really sucks that I feel so behind. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel as if what I'm doing is working and I'm working towards my goals. But I literally have none. I want to transfer but, shit, I don't even know what I'd transfer for. Well, it's more so a financial reason transfer if I'm going to be honest.

I can't even mope around for a day without getting yelled at by my mom, so I have to keep doing something. What that thing is, I don't know. Recently I've been working on a sort of web application that creates discord servers. I've been really stuck with the javascript portion. Learning it just seems like hell. I've also learned a bit of SQL which I thought would be super difficult but it's kind of self explanatory.

I just feel like I'm slowly losing this life I'm living. Not in a suicidal way, but more so emerging from a cocoon? I just have a feeling that I may end up dropping out of school and just living on my own, leaving my family and doing things from the ground up basically. I've been thinking of just leaving a lot recently. The likelihood is that I won't do it because it's scary and I doubt I'd survive.

There's just so much turbulence in my life. Things are changing, moving quickly, and I don't know if I can keep up, especially with the lifestyle I currently have. So many questions I'd like to ask, but I guess only time will tell.