Note 16

It's now the month of March, and I still have a lot of worries regarding this transfer application process. I turned in Johns Hopkins already, and I still have a few more essays to write. I decided that WashU just doesn't interest me as a school and I added MIT secretly without telling my parents. It's sort of consuming my life at this point and is the only thing I can think about. I literally have zero interest in school work. This quarter is coming to a close and it's just so hard to pay attention and focus. I'm sort of sabotaging myself but idk. It's just so hard to focus right now.

I will definitely just put in work towards my finals starting next week since I won't really have much classwork. My brain has just been feeling like mush these past couple of days. I've sort of been regressing from my fall quarter self back to how I was in high school -- never studying, always just playing games. At least now I'm more cognizant of exactly what I should be doing instead.

Oh, I added MIT sort of as a more likely crapshoot in comparison to Stanford. For some reason I just feel like I have a better chance for MIT than Stanford. I also think that I'd fit in pretty well there, although I'd have to learn work ethic or just accelerate my skills in math and coding to where the classes are like review. God, I'm doing all this work just to get a better job in the future + connections. It all just seems so stupid. Idk, maybe thats the wrong way to view all of this. Perhaps it's more about how to best use the resources available so that I can pursue coding. I mean I would guess that's what they're looking for. I mean I really do like programming, but college applications just make what I feel seem twisted and sort of fake. It's so hard to portray exactly how I feel through words. That's why I enjoy just word vomiting my thoughts on to this site. It just feels like I can express myself without everyone seeing.

I think things are a bit hard on everyone mentally. It's been about a year since we've entered this state of lockdown. Although, I hear that Texas is lifting bans on everything. Which is beyond stupid. But it is insane that it's already been a whole year. Hopefully brighter days are ahead soon. For now, back to my essays and studying for my finals.