Note 12

Ayyyy, a 2 for 1 special. I think for this post, it'll be more fleshed out rather than sort of the stream of consciousness that it usually is. Maybe. It probably will be just with slightly more structure.

I wasn't really able to express myself or really understand who I was in high school, and even now I'm not really sure what defines ME. I mean, for a high schooler, or really anyone at my age, how are we supposed to choose what we're going to do for the rest of our lives? Obviously I understand that the major we go into doesn't dictate the rest of my life but it could. Some people don't leave their job even after years and years of working there. And honestly that scares me a lot. I don't want to be stuck working the same job, at the same place for years and years. I wan't to grow and move on to bigger and better things. I guess I'm an ambitious person. At least ambitious enough to try and attend one of the top universities in the world. I mean just saying that is insane. If I transfer to the school's I'm looking at it would mean that I was able to reach something that not many people would ever be able to do. And I should be proud of even reaching this far into my academic career. But being complacent isn't something I've liked doing. That's why I like games where theres ways to be better and improve. Where I can test my skill and mettle against others to see who's better. And honestly it seems like I never really understood that.

But then again, even when I join competitive environments in clubs or sports I'm not usually one of the top performers. I'm always sort of in the background. And it's probably because I'll usually start off a bit higher than most and get complacent. So how do I push past that complacency? How do I work to continue bettering myself so I can continue to push ahead? I think this is what could end up allowing me to succeed. Finding that reason and drive to keep improving myself. Because I'm a prideful little cunt, and it feels good to be better than someone else at something.

And for now I've chosen computer science. I can't really turn back now and I have to keep pushing forward. I should pick up a new project soon since I've finished the bitcoin bot. And honestly I really can't tell if it's making money or not but I think it is? I can't get complacent now that I've finished one project, I should keep expanding my portfolio. But, at least for now, I should study for my finals that I have coming up. I have to stay competitive because that's who I am. I definitely have some sort of superiority complex. Maybe because people said I was gifted when I was younger. Perhaps. It does add up, and recently studies have shown that such actions have been causing problems for kids my age.

There's a lot about me that I still don't understand and that's okay. I'm still young and I have a lot of time left to go. Well, assuming no accidents or major illnesses which is wishful thinking. I know that I get complacent too often, which completely clashes with my superiority complex. I know that I'm a person who should feel grateful of where I am but is searching for more. I'm human and I'm still understanding things as I go. And aren't we all?

So I suppose for schools, I should look for generous financial aid first, has a good mix of collaborative and independent learning, and will more likely than not take a CS major. The last one is a bit iffy considering it's popularity but the first two I already have a few schools in mind. I need some place that will let me explore and find things that I'm interested in, rather than lock me down to major specific courses. I need freedom of choice, not a rigid set path because that's what I've done my whole life. I've always been in the shadow of my sibling and I need to find my own way. A lot of my friends did that in high school, and I do feel a bit of shame starting this late. But, progress is progress, and I need to move forward.