Note 88

Going to california is fucking dangerous. Not for any bodily harm, but for myself trying to stay on track to finish this post bacc program. I do really, really, really want to live out there. But, whenever I go out there, I get worried if I'm on the right track and if I should just let everything go and try to go back into software. I told my mom I tried to get some advice from one of my friends who had already completed his PhD and is now working as a post doc. She got frustrated, and I think rightly so, because he was telling me to kind of fuck outta here with the program and probably just go back to doing computers or just nut up and pick something. My mom on the other hand, because she knows of my struggles with indecision is telling me to just finish the program, take the mcat and then decide. Which seems to be the right move, at least from my perspective. I still like the kinds of problems and work that I would do working on machine learning algorithms, but at least for now I should do what's set out in front of me.

For the time being, I think I should just assume the role of a student who is on a pre-med track. Now the hard part becomes how much am I going to commit myself to being that student. I will have the clinical hours, but I don't have the research or volunteering. Frankly, I'm not even interested in completing any volunteering hours. It's quite literally not me and I don't want to put things on my application that aren't representative of who I am. I would definitely like to do clinical research, but it seems difficult to get involved, especially when you live an hour away from the actual medical campus. There simply aint enough time in the day to properly get shit done. Will have to revisit this post midterms.