A recurring dream

Many know the statuettes of a fat, happy and content looking buddah. Fewer know, it is not actually a depiction of Gautama Buddah, but the figurine of a chinese Monk, called Budai. Alan Watts describes one such statuette in a lecture. This particular one depicts Budai, just waking up, after napping on his cloth sack of few posessions. There is a quote engraved to the bottom of the statuettes pedestal reading: "I've had a lovely meal, I've had a wonderful sleep and I didn't even dream about confusions." An expression of pure contentment.

Among more fundamental interpretations, one simplistic interpretation of this statuette, that I am still holding on to, tries to make sense of dreams. Don't worry, I am not going to mention anyone or any pseudo clever theory, you might be thinking about when you read the word "dreams", so stay around.... Since my earliest childhood days, I can remember just a hand full of dreams. There aren't even many days, that I could have told you, remembering dreaming anything at all. Once I fall asleep, I generally have "a wonderful sleep" where I don't "even dream about confusions". No nightmares, no pleasant dreams, no lucid dreams, no utterly confusing stuff, nothing. I drift off into oblivion .... and come into being from there every morning. It has been like this for years, and given the horrors that happen in some of my friends dreams, I am quite content with how things are, given my prevalence for falling asleep to the voice of Ian Gordon reading cosmic horror.

My training in Vipassana, my Watts influenced philosophy and my mundane "knowledge" of dreams tell me, that dreams are a psychological mechanism to release stress. A chance to work through experiences that cannot be processed by the waking mind for one reason or another. It tells me that dreams are the result of an uneasy mind trying to come to terms with some sankara (vipassana lingo for what might be called "unresolved trauma"). And while I am aware, that this theory is far from sound or complete - it cannot, for example, properly account for lucid dreaming or purposly influencing the contents of dreams - it is a theory I still cling to, in all probability because it feels good to know, that my mind seems to be at ease.

In recent months, I started to have dreams more often (meaning once a month or once every two weeks). And just like that, I started to worry: My mind apparantly needs time to process some things, where it was at ease before. The change in frequency does actually correspond to an increase of psychological stress, induced by none other than my capitalist exploiters themselves (a story for another time). It even corresponds to a decrease of physical and mental practice like sports or meditation, due to the same issue. So far at least, everything seems to make perfect sense, given the framework outlined above. In a way, it is even calming to realize, that the mind can utilize sleep in stressful times (even though, I am aware, that depending solely on that is not a longterm option).

However, and this is the mental nut I have been trying to crack, as logical and right all of this feels and seems, my dream contents seem way off. Following my theory, they should, in some way, resemble a mental/psychological challenge - even if it is in the most abstract way possible. And yet, they could not be farther from that. Judging my situation, I would expect existential fears, fears for political retribution, fears about failing in important moments, etc. And yet, those dreams I remember are mostly the same mundane thing: Not sleeping alone.

Bear with me here: not even sex, or whatever - just lying in bed hugged or cuddled up to someone; mostly masc and hot btw. And no, this is not a bourgeois romantic thing; no petty, boring relationship; no strings are attached to the person in these dreams. Anyway, an interesting thing about this situation is: I am generally aware of this desire while awake, but it vanishes quickly every time, I just so much as think about who I would like that to be; how I would like them to perceive me; think of me. I would like them to genuinely see me as Enby; to not have one thought about me being male; fine, think of me as a trans-woman or whatever, just not male. And for some reason, I am positive, that, excluding good, close friends, nobody with a set of eyes and ears is capable of that.

Well "for some reason"; the reason is, that it is even hard for me, not to think that way. It is possible: I do see some people as Enby, but there is no quick, easy road to this place. And frankly, I am not optimistic that people will take that road; it is far too easy to see someone and think "ok, Trans or Enby, but actually......" Basically the issue, why some trans-people want to "pass" and why I try to confuse anyone looking at me. But countless discussions about the validity and actual existance of nonbinary sex and gender probably made me cynical in that regard. As a materialist, I can't even blame people for thinking like this - these thoughts are a natural response to the environment we are brought up in, and I should not attach my wellbeing to the thought processes of others, but still ..... it sucks to fear being seen as something, one simply doesn't want to represent. Then again, this is just plain old ego acting up.*

"Well", you might say, "obviously there is an issue your head is wrestling with, so your dreams are actually in line with the theory, are they not?". To which I say: oh, shut up and let me complain :>

Obviously questions of identity and non-cis-hetero-momogamy-normative relationships are an issue - hell, that is probably half this blog. What actually boggles my mind is, why this takes precendence over events and situations that would send many others into burnouts, while it is quite easy to consciously resolve this issue by just thinking ten seconds about it. Is that really a more important issue? Should my dream theory have any merit, this would mean, that I unconsciously repress an issue more important to my psychological well being than others, which would be weird, unwise and not what I trained myself to do. And should my dream theory be incorrect ... well then why don't I dream otherwise and what would this mean?

The answer will come in due time, I am sure. Until then, I might at least be happy that I dream of hugs instead of horrors. One word of advice though: do not approach me with humanist literature on the subject, all that does is taunt me into a rant about humanism.

* Note after writing and proofreading the text:

Maybe the whole mystery to the story is this: In nonstressful times, I am aware enough to deal with ego induced nonsense. Now, however, dealing with tons of other stuff, there is too little mental capacity to handle it, resulting in more intense identity issues and related thought "malestrom", that would be resolved otherwise. Brilliant thought? Lazy excuse? Meta ego patting? Who knows..... time for bed :>