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john

Ein Trauriger Grabgesang

On Hell and Damnation

"Every human being is in the process of becoming a noble being, noble beyond imagination; or else, alas, a vile being beyond redemption. The dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet if at all only in a nightmare. There are no ordinary people. It is immortals that we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit; immortal horrors or everlasting splendors."

  • C.S. Lewis ("The Weight of Glory")

Men used to rush to die, now it seems everyone is afraid of it? Why?

They used to die for a nation or people and way of life that were worth protecting or so they believed. No one is eager to die for moral relativism, consumer culture, and degeneracy. It’s truly sad because there is still so much worth fighting for behind the front pages but it’s become increasingly hard to see that it even still exists.

Entry 2: Moving On

It's halfway through April, over a year after the Corona Virus Pandemic swept through the world, leaving devastated survivors, and an aftermath of economic ruin.

And yet all I can think about sometimes, is how much I hate myself.

I'm almost at the point where the sudden break from young adult and middle age are married in a confusing period where I myself am never too sure when I am being too immature, or worse, aged in the eyes of society.

What I hate is that I am constantly rehashing nightmares of people who have either forgotten my misdeeds, or perhaps no longer don't even remember who I am. I can never go back and change the past, but that hasn't stopped me from ruminating.

A friend of mine had joking told a few of his friends that he was having a crisis to see which of them would respond accordingly. But for myself, I don't know if I deserve to even have a crisis.

Every day is just another cycle in the crisis that I acknowledge as existence.

Entry 1: On the conditions of love

One of the things that I have engaged in, and wrongfully so (now that I have more experience under my belt), is giving myself away so frequently without a fastidious method of inspecting the underlying issues that come about as a result of such actions. I hate that I can't be there for everyone that I have come to call people worth loving, at least on a personal, intimate level. It's an insatiable appetite to form bonds where previously, they had no reason to escalate beyond a simple friendship or acquaintanceship.

Is it because I am bored? I would not think that was the case. After all, I have many a things on my plate to keep myself busy. The likelihood that anything good will come out of this, is slim. Many times, I have stretched my net of emotions over the sea, and snared far too many fish. One would think I have learned my lesson going further along this path of life, but here I am still chasing after forbidden, impossible wants and desires. I am just a man, and a truly fallible man while at that.

On top of struggling with the basic tenets of being a decent human being, I now have to deal with the destructive nature of the heart, intertwining with erotic tendencies. Romanticizing with these rose colored contacts, constantly drawing me into a place where I am blinded to any consequences that often cannot be resolved with a moment's notice. The feelings themselves, are quite a force to reckon with from a purely fleshly point of view.

I have hurt too many playing such a dangerous game with hearts, both mine, and theirs.