The fact that you can find laughter so moving. How do you reconcile it with that mirage that you have of yourself? After all this time, all that water under the bridge and still... there you are. You hear that laughter and you're back to square one. Maybe that's the problem, to consider that period as the origin. Of the universe and language and all of the arts and of your whole personality.
Maybe one those #letitgo tattoos that you used to make fun of ten years ago could be useful nowadays.