Hi there :)

My name is Adėl. I’ve been called Adėl since December 2023 and I’ve been asked many questions about this. In order to answer some of them all at once, I wrote this text.

I'd appreciate it greatly if you read the text fully before replying or commenting. Thanks!

I originally wrote this text as an announcement for the Lindy Hop community. Shortly after having written it, though, I decided to stop Lindy Hop (I filmed a video about this, available on youtube, insta or fb). I removed most of the references to Lindy Hop, but you might still find some here and there.

About my new name

Even though I have always loved my birth name, it is not a name I identify with anymore — not fully. It has accompanied me for all those years where people read me as cisgender. And I am tired of it. I chose a new name that represents how I feel internally.

For some people, deadnames are never to be used. For me, it had been my name for a very long time and I am okay for the name to exist when giving context. For example: “Btw, a friend of mine changed their name, they used to be called [...] but their new name is Adėl.”

That said, please be careful: it happens very quickly that people say “Adėl (you know, used to be called...)” and keep saying it for months or years. That is typically a sign for unconscious resistance to change (in the best case) or unconscious transphobia (in the worst case) that we all have within us and have to be cautious about.

My name might change again, or not. It is a journey, and the same way people in your life are cautious to use your correct first name and pronouns, please do the same with me and other people in your life.

Coming in and coming out

A few years ago I realised that this discomfort I was feeling around gender was not just about having intersectional feminist values and wanting people to be equal. I realised it was more than that. There was a huge discomfort deep within me of having played a role for years, and haven gotten really good at it, and feeling miserable about it. I did not like myself and I was constantly trying to evolve while staying a man. That wasn’t working out for me at all.

When I realised, in 2020, thanks to nonbinary representation on the internet, that it is possible to not be a man nor a woman, something opened up in me. Things have been a hundred times easier since then! (Internally at least.) I feel free, I feel like myself — and mostly I feel like my life, my identity, makes sense. So even though my life has been more difficult socially, the benefits are just unmeasurable. Being yourself just makes life worth living.

I identify as nonbinary, genderqueer and trans. (I wrote another blog post about this if you don't know what those words mean.)

Overall there are many genderqueer people. Both outside and inside the Lindy Hop community. By changing some of our habits and making space for new narratives, I think we make way for being a more diverse society / community — which is good.

A few habits to take on

Actions speak louder than words. It's nice to say that you want everybody to be themselves, but it's even nicer to actually create opportunity for people to be themselves. Here are a few habits I recommend taking on, as they help include others – I think.

First habit: asking for pronouns

Asking for pronouns can make someone’s day and really open up space in social interactions. Typically, I do it upon introducing myself. “Hi, I’m Adėl, and my pronouns are they/them.”

Another thing that I do is ask for pronouns whenever I ask for someone’s first name: “What’s your name? And do you use any pronouns, if yes, which ones?” It might feel awkward at first, but practice makes better and soon it feels quite normal (I think I got used to it within 5-7 introductions to new people).

Personally, I do use pronouns: “they / them / theirs”. Here are some concrete examples of use:

• They are quite tall.
• I saw them last week!
• That sweater is theirs.

Little note: many non native speakers I know get confused about the difference between singular and plural “they”, because most of them have not learned the singular “they” in school. Well, if it helps your brain, here’s one fact: it’s the same with “you”. “You” can mean just you, the one person reading those words, or it can mean you all, the people that have been on this website at any point in time (even though that might be a very small crowd 🤭).

If your native language(s) is/are not English, take the time to find out what the gender neutral pronouns are in your language. I can recommend this website: pronouns.page. It will probably give you needed information if someone gives you pronouns you’ve never heard of, and/or help you with different languages.

Second habit: using gender neutral language

A certain set of pronouns doesn’t actually give you someone’s gender (which is one reason why I love them so much): I might use certain pronouns for social convenience and actually be trans/cis/queer/whatever. Asking for pronouns is just asking: "How should I talk about you?"; which is very close to the purpose of asking for a first name: "How should I address you?".

For that reason, I want to encourage you to use gender neutral language. For many people it might not make a difference, but I know that for me and many people around me, when my gender and other identity traits are not central to every anecdote, it feels immensely freeing.

For me personally: I am neither a woman, nor a man, and when talking to me or about me, please make sure that you never use any language that might give the idea that I am a woman or a man. If you somehow need to be formal, the alternative to “Miss” or “Mister” is “Mx”, and orally you can either say [mix] or [em-ix].

Overall, I encourage you to consciously decide, when talking about other people, if you want to give away gender markers or not. Language like “this person” or “they” is a good way to normalise a reality that’s diverse and non-binary. And you’ll see that your stories can benefit from it! When your audience is less stuck with unconscious biases, they’re listening closer to what you’re saying. Examples can be: “See that person over there? I think they have the same backpack as you!” or “You know what? Someone skipped the queue at the supermarket. Maybe they were in a hurry, but I still found it rude” or “I met this person the other day. When talking to that said person, we had a great conversation about gender and pronouns. [...]”

Third habit: don’t make it about yourself

3a: pause before you ask

If you have questions (and not just about pronouns, but about anything regarding gender), please be considerate about the timing and the person you’re asking them to. For instance, even though you might ask that question for the first time in your life, or at least to this person, this person might have heard it several times that day or that already. So what can feel for you like an interesting, curious conversation or even or fascinating debate, can actually feel like a chore and a burden to your conversation partner. They might then need time to recover from that exchange. Be considerate.

A great way to reflect is by asking yourself: am I asking for the well-being of that person, or am I asking for my own comfort / interest? What I mean by that is:

1/ Are you asking this because you want to make sure to act supportive and don’t know what the answer is and only the person in front of you can give it to you (“How do you want me to react if someone uses the wrong pronouns in my presence?” for instance — btw, the answer to that for me personally is “please correct them”);

2/ or are you asking for other reasons? One often being because it is quicker and/or easier that way. If that’s the case, please be patient, pause, and then search the internet later. Or ask a friend of that person instead of asking the person directly.

Another common reason why people ask questions is because they want to voice their own discomfort, or concerns. For instance :

• “Isn’t it so impractical to change names and ask everyone to use different pronouns??” Asking this question often comes from a wish of not changing one’s own habits. So asking the queer person this question is not helping them – quite the opposite actually. And to answer the question: Well, it is not that impractical. The only reason it is, is because other people resist so much and insist on using pronouns that match their worldview.

• “It makes me uncomfortable to have to talk about trans issues with people I don’t know that well, is it a big deal if I misgender you when you’re not there anyway?” This, again, puts the asker’s comfort above the asked person’s comfort. Yes it’s a big deal, please make the effort, queer people’s comfort is equally important.

So, in summary: if you’re asking so that you can be a better ally, please go for it. If you’re asking without the safety or comfort of the person at heart, please spare them.

Don’t get me wrong: do talk about it! It’s important to talk about it! But talk about it with other cis folks, ask the internet, talk to your friends, etc.

3b: learn to apologise concisely

When you notice that you made a mistake (used the wrong pronouns, used gendered language like “sister” or “brother” instead of “sibling”, deadnamed someone, etc.), simply apologise and move on.

Example: “Ah, yeah, and did she then come to the party? Oh sorry I meant they. Did they come to the party?” and move on.

Do you feel suuuper embarrassed? Well, don’t worry, language is hard. By apologising profusely for minutes and minutes, you make it about yourself instead of it being about the person you just misgendered or misnamed. Leave it be, they probably know you’re doing your best, and if it happens too often, too much, practice on the side.

Personally, when people don’t apologise at all, I feel invisible, but if people apologise too much, I feel that I have to take care of them emotionally even though I am the one who’s just been misgendered. If you’re someone who apologises too much, learn to stomach the discomfort. Don’t worry, you’ll survive ;)

That’s it for this part

The society we live in is extremely binary and very transphobic. That means we all have that oppression within us. It is normal for change to take time, it is normal to potentially feel resistance or impatience. I hope you can find it in you to turn that into curiosity and playfulness with beliefs and language. At the end of it, most just want to be themselves! At least that’s my case: I just want to be myself around other people. If we all strive to make that happen, I believe we can :)