My Dream Car...

I started to write this without a cup of coffee, then I realized that I'd strayed too far from god or the god-like substance that fills time and space making flowers smell nice, sunsets beautiful and mud feel luxurious between my toes.

Anyway, I need coffee first.

I hoped that inspiration would come while I made coffee, but alas. The only thing I got from making coffee was a cup of coffee. Which, as it turns out, is a very satisfactory outcome.

I wanted to do some clever writing and express insights that are relevant, important. But I think my gravitas is on a coffee break as well, so we'll do something else today.

If I could design a car, the perfect car for me would:

  • Have a coffee dispenser that would dispense coffee at the perfect temperature for drinking. It would also have an easy cleaning system, so that my car-coffee wouldn't acquire a stale, burnt-diner-coffee character.
  • Have a neon interior but probably black or gray on the outside
  • It would have a sensor that judged my parallel parking and gamify it for me. If I did a good job, the car would loudly announce (both inside and outside the car) how well I had done and praise me. For example: "What an excellent park job! You're proof that stereotypes about women drivers hold no water." or "Parallel parking, check! You're talented and gorgeous"
  • Instead of rolling coal, when I slammed on the gas, the exhaust would fire sprays of glitter
  • The radio would have a feature that would let me hear the music other cars around me were listening to. This would either let me take part in their joyful dancing, judge their lack of rhythm, question their talk-radio or podcast choices, or find new songs and bands and media.
  • The maps algorithm would be smarter than Google's.
    1. It would never give me directions within a certain radius from home. I know how to get out of my neighborhood, Google
    2. It would prioritize mom-&-pop/local options for coffee, restaurants, etc.
    3. It would get smart about my favorite brands and look for those first. For example: show me Sprouts or WinCo before you show me Walmart Grocery, plz
    4. It would highlight points of interest, like museums, parks, etc.
    5. It would allow me to say "Ooh! What's that building?" and try to wikipedia it or the history of that building for me.
  • Bench seats in the front for when you have 2 friends and no one wants to sit in the back
  • Seats facing backwards like my first car, a Taurus station wagon
  • Obviously, seat warmers and a steering wheel warmer. And a butt massager in the front seats, for when you're on long drives and your butt starts hurting.
  • Like those houses that have a vacuum panel built into the floorboards, the car would have a little vacuum and hose built in, so I could clean out my car without as much of a hassle.
  • Have more clever organizers for all the things cars need: Pens, Gum, Post-its, Ibuprofen/Aspirin, Sunnies, Phone and chargers, Chapstick, Hand lotion, etc.
  • Built in little greenhouse in the back window
  • Obviously run off of an alternative fuel. Like maybe off of kitchen compost or something.

Alright. Day 2, done.

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