June 10, 2022•906 words
Do Thursday Blues exist in life as we know it? Because I have some. I would very much like them gone. I'm poured onto the lounge chair trying to work and just feeling like I'm in the dumps.
It really is a shame, because my morning started out alright. I woke up and had 20 minutes to read my book in bed, which is a treat. I picked up a novel from the Pride shelf at the library and I'm liking it so far; it's about the Midwest, which I understand (as that's where I hail from).
But then it turned downhill for no apparently reason.
Well, the reason might be that I am being hit by a wave of PMS. That might be it.
Today just was tinged with a strange hue. All day, I have been just sort of slogging knee-high through feelings that loom outsized compared with what I'm reacting to. I've been alternately juggling feelings of overly unworthy to completely consumed by work to being entirely frustrated with work. I felt wholly relaxed after Restorative Yoga. Now I'm home and I'm feeling anxious and unsettled. I'm feeling guilty for being lazy. I'm picking up that worry stone with my brain and turning it over and over until it is smooth as glass.
This morning should have been great. I love it as the week winds down, as it slows into the weekend. I happily read in bed for nearly half an hour before starting my day. But then I got burdened down. I could hear my partner wrapping up a call with a consulting client. My brain just took off on me. It flew whirring down the highway and I couldn't bring it back. I want to just be proud of him. I want to just support him and be impressed by him and happy for him. But it's difficult sometimes. He's contracting for 3 days of work; he will make more than I do in two weeks. We are both in software. We are both the same age. He is definitely more talented and more experienced than me and smarter than me. But whoa. I feel inadequate by comparison. I feel dumb. I used to feel so smart, so clever. I used to feel like I was good at things. I don't feel that way anymore.
I used to feel worthwhile in the working world. I used to feel like there was a chance I could climb a ladder and be successful, or run a team, or contribute something big. But these days, I feel so inadequate. So barely capable. I am disappointed that I never really accomplished the American Dream in that way. I'm simply just riding the coattails of my dad's success and hard work. I'm completely mediocre.
So I started the day with those feelings swirling around my head. It wasn't my favorite start.
I started working. I kept working. At work these days, I am a janitor. I am an archeologist. I spend my days chipping away at the tech debt the tiny company has accumulated in a short period of time. I wander around, lost and confused, as to why shit isn't working. Did it ever work? Did it have a purpose? How on earth did I end up here? It's as if I'm just following my sister around with a bucket and mop, cleaning. Then, I just don't see myself completing as many tasks as I wish I could.
I did go to restorative yoga. I did relax a lot and let some thoughts just slosh around in my brain. I let some feelings happen. I did spend some time appreciating cancelling a trip. I did feel some gratitude for the opportunity to stay home, to continue making my home here. I felt pretty okay.
But then we got home and the evening marched steadily back into anxiety. I worry. I worry that he'll change his mind about being with me. I worry that he'll get bored or annoyed or tired or lose interest. I don't know why. I feel weird about his ex, when she comes up. I don't want it to. It used to not. I've spent time kind of thinking about it all and it still does. It'll just take time. I moved to his house, his town, his life. It will be a bit before I feel confident here, feel comfortable in this life.
With all this on my mind, I decided I shouldn't probably help him pack a reserve parachute. I want to learn. I volunteered us to do it originally. I knew he wasn't sure he wanted to. But I wanted to help because I want to learn. But it's exhausting and scary and frustrating. And I had a long day. So maybe I don't actually want this? You make time for what you value, right? Maybe I don't value this enough to make time for it? Maybe I'm just all talk? I hate that view of myself. But maybe it's the reality and I just don't want to see it. I don't know. I hate to think of myself as lazy or unmotivated. It's a yucky reality. It makes me feel bad about myself. But today mostly made me feel bad about myself, on a lot of levels.
I might go look up how to make an irrigation system to feel like I've done something useful today.