June 21, 2022•576 words
I just need to force myself to write, to just word vomit onto the page. 1) I think it will make me feel better 2) I think it'll make it easier next time I want to write anything. But the last few times I've sat down to write, just to make myself feel better, to sort through things in my head, my brain goes limp. It's like all the thoughts coursing through it just evaporate. They become thin and hard to pin down, truly too wispy to even put to into words.
I've lived in Tracy for almost a month now. Tracy is a bit of a Nowhere between two Somewheres. Honestly, it's probably larger in population than my college town. But because I haven't lived anywhere this small since college. Also, it's a matter of perspective. In college, Ames, Iowa was It. It was BIG. Everything surrounding it was tiny. While Des Moines was close, it still required a car, which I didn't have. Going to Des Moines was an excursion. So even in a modest sized college town like Ames, it left you feeling like Ames was a destination. Tracy is no destination. When talking to people, I describe Tracy as right in the middle of Sacramento and San Francisco. It exists as this "small" town in between to big cities. People here commute elsewhere. This is no one's goal or endpoint. Tracy is a small, in-between place.
Why am I dwelling on the size? Well, it's not hampering my lifestyle. Tracy still provides plenty of exploring: new places to go eat, drink and explore. It is conveniently bike-able and not terribly hilly. Nothing in town seems so far away that I can't pop out on a lunch errand. Tracy's size doesn't limit my opportunities yet; no, it just reminds me that I'm isolated here. It reminds me that I'm living in his world, his reality. I've stepped into his life and now I'm trying to carve out a hole. Tracy is a partially finished puzzle and I'm just a puzzle piece, experimentally being fit into different potential places, seeing where I fit.
I also don't know how this relationship works as we go forward. I'm always here, mostly. I work from home. I have a lot of at-home hobbies. He doesn't work. He has some out-and-about hobbies but he's here a lot too. Will he get bored of me? Will we balance out being together intentionally, being together unintentionally, and not being together healthily? How do you do that? What's the right balance of just hanging out together and me trying to settle in, clean up, tidy things and organize myself into the house? What's the correct way to live together? I don't know. Who is to know?
I wish I was someone who was just comfortable. I'm not a comfortable person. If I start to feel comfortable, my brain kicks into over-drive. It asks "Are we okay? Is this okay here? Should I change something? Do I want to change something? Do they want me to change something? What is there to be done? I haven't done anything in a bit. I should DO something." This can't be healthy. But I don't know what else to do.
Meditation always tells you to just observe, to be. You're instructed to note your thoughts, not changing them, not pushing them out, not engaging with them. So, what am I supposed to take from this?