Untangling

2020 hasn't been merciful to us. This pandemic we're in has left us in a confusing and frustrating state as we witness the virus spread and affect several people, hoping in the confines of our home that we won't be the next. It is an understatement to say that my mental health has been bruised up. Although I am eternally thankful to still have a job and to be at home with my family, I guess denying myself of my spiraling won't do me or anyone a favor.

The past months have been nothing but a huge blur. My then-boyfriend and I decided to part ways through a text message. The client work that I thought wasn't pushing through came back at a time when I felt lost. Stalled that client work. Stalled household chores. Work was nonstop and hasn't been the healthiest environment. Felt restless, felt breaking down in the middle of the day would help me get by. All of these overlapped with each other and I felt like that I can't untangle myself from the mess that I have unknowingly created. Every morning I felt guilt and have wished to prolong my sleep, to escape.

I knew I was at the bottom of the pit, and I wanted to get out, but I was scared. Maybe because it entailed a lot of work that needed to be done, and I felt really weak. Maybe because sleeping them off was more convenient.

When my boss at work called me a few weeks back to see how I was doing, I couldn't help myself to admit to him my state. And when I was granted a week-long leave from work last week, I knew that this was an opportunity to untangle. To escape.

If you believe in astrology (as most of the twenty somethings probably are now), you would know it's Virgo season—the season of productivity; season of getting your shit done. Nudged by the leave I was granted, I have felt this energy shift in myself. How I wanted to get my life back up together and to actually do something to pull myself from the seemingly perpetual dread that I've been in for the past few months.

I started by cleaning our house's terrace, followed by cleaning the rags and curtains. Went to the grocery to stock up our food supplies and the hardware store to buy a replacement for our faulty lock and garden hose. Finally bid goodbye to hair's annoying length by going to the barber. Made a great amount of progress to the client work and have made a promise to myself to communicate better so that the project will be completed earlier. And took my time to actually let my body and mind rest by watching and finishing a Korean drama (When the Camellia Blooms* if you're curious!), and creating personal artwork which I really missed doing.

By doing these handful of tasks, it has really helped me clear my worries of the small things that piled up to a creature bigger than me. Have I untangled myself off the mess? Not fully as there's still work that need to be done. What I wish for myself is that I keep this sense of determination as I continue working on untangling (with consideration to my well-being, of course).

In a somehow tangential note, my ex messaged me a week ago and we have been in touch since. I am lying to myself and to you if I say that my feelings for him are completely gone and can talk to him as if nothing happened. That is not the case, especially for the Piscean that I am. Hence, I might not be cut out for the "friends-with-an-ex" situation. If anything, the questions you have are the questions I have for myself as well: what will you get out of this? What value does he add to your present? Why are you trying to put yourself in a situation where there's a ninety chance you'll be hurt?

So much for untangling haha!


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