perpetual novice

On this day last year, I was also writing an entry with a similar theme of summing up what the year meant for me. I remember being hopeful of the uncertainties that 2020 would bring, clueless of how enormously life-changing this year would be for everyone. A ton of fuck-ups have challenged us both collectively and personally, and I can't speak for everyone for sure, but as with anything I experience, I still always try to find even a tiny glimpse of grace even at the worst moments of my life. L...

I'm sorry i'm sorry I'm sorry that im not the expanse you're seeking Not the fire but the water What is identity? What is self without the external? What makes one's self without the external's influence? I don't think we are ever lonely. Be alone, yes. To feel lonely, yes. But /be/ lonely? I think our identity, our personality is with the collective. With the universe. Our thoughts, with the universe. Thoughts, with the universe. Thoughts with the universe. I dreamt of Mama and Papa of h...

I have learned that the act of discovering, whether by myself or through good friends, is a part of what's keeping me grounded in life. Maybe it's because I get to experience and explore a new space, and whenever I dig deeper and find these small details I like about it, my body responds with this rush of joy and this appreciation of life's reminder of how larger it is than what it seems. To be in awe, and the desire to extend this space to others. Below is a list of finds I had this past week, ...

Last weekend, I read a very humbling book by Alan Watts titled "The Wisdom of Insecurity." I found this in an interview of Sevdaliza wherein she recommended this book. It was probably the word "insecurity" in the title that piqued my interest that I had to buy and read the book immediately, because I, too, like everyone else, am dealing with a great deal of insecurity in my life. This book has changed my perspective about that word. From my previous understanding, "insecurities" are to be rid o...

A poem I wrote when I was fresh off my break-up. i. Pleasantness is what my body told me when the bus arrived carrying you to the stop where we first met that midnight ii. “Unpleasant,” my chest whispered when you kept asking me to untangle the thread of letters you sewn before in benevolence iii. Arousal when I have finally put up the curtains closed the door informing you that untangling you & your sewn letters is not of my ministry iv. Calmness is my body switching the lights on retur...

2020 hasn't been merciful to us. This pandemic we're in has left us in a confusing and frustrating state as we witness the virus spread and affect several people, hoping in the confines of our home that we won't be the next. It is an understatement to say that my mental health has been bruised up. Although I am eternally thankful to still have a job and to be at home with my family, I guess denying myself of my spiraling won't do me or anyone a favor. The past months have been nothing but a hu...