Monday 7th December 2020

Thoughts, fears and hopes?

What am i lacking in attaining freedom from passion?

What for tranquility?

What am I?

How did i steer away from serenity?

What did i do that was unfriendly, unsocial, or uncaring?

What did i fail to do in all of these things

What bad habit did i curb today?

How am i better?

We’re my actions just?

How can i improve?

Thoughts, fears and hopes?

My fears are not achieving success based on effort expended. 

I was brought up with the belief that hard work pays off. 

I feel that i have worked hard all my life to date (in the workforce) but as yet to reap the benefits of hard work. 

I know that persistence is also a key to this mindset. Persistent continual action. I know that success is a journey and the journey is where one learns the tools and has the experiences necessary to teach the user what they need to be successful.

No one is born with anything. Skills are acquired through perseverance and focused attention (environment/exposure). Some people have a better ability that others to focus much faster in life than others. They are of more certain beliefs earlier in age.

My hopes? That effort pays off. That we achieve that with which we seek. We are rewarding for our experiences, that our effort pays off.

I am extremely cognizant that success is not a moment. I am also very aware that the journey is more important with the outcome. How we think and act along the way is of more importance than the final result. The result will be fleeting, a moment in time that too shall pass much faster than the journey.

If everything works out they way that i want things would not change dramatically from my current position. Other than having more available COH, building a new house and buying a nicer car and perhaps some travel.

Travel will become boring I’m sure. As exotic as it sounds flying and staying in hotels is not glamorous. We have a very capable house currently, more than we need. We have a car that allows us with transport. So fundamentally, we have all our needs covered. So in this way, we are already successful.

The other thing that plays on my mind is settling grievances, past experiences, putting people in their place. I think i feel this way because of my own personal morals/ethics. To not deliberately wrong another person, to cheat or steal from them.

I know i harbour great resentment towards people i used to work with because of their deliberate manipulation and greed. The way the cut out my father from the business he created in partnership was disgusting. I know people would say “that’s just business” but i disagree. We can all do this to another at any moment, in any way, but this is corrosive and leads to a toxic environment.

If we all turn to the darkness within is, to succumb to the will of our darkness i believe this would be satisfying in the short term but the long term ramifications of these actions would play heavily on our soul. Once this door is opened i do not believe we have the capacity to control or filter its pervasiveness from our subconscious. I believe that this darkness would poison everything within our life because it would form the foundation for which we measure our own actions and behaviors.

It’s easy to succumb to these dark thoughts. It would be easy to do something dark towards someone with which we have a grievance however the long term toll and ramifications of the action on our psyche would be too great a toll to pay.

I shall ponder on these thoughts some more.


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