I am not living, but thinking.

[Stream of Consciousness]

Instead of living my life now, I am thinking. I still don't truly get this. It feels like a romantic idea. It feels too good to be true to many people including myself sometimes. Or at least that is just how it feels for me now.

Visualizing it just makes me feel happy, free, light, and relieved of all the burden, the expectation, the desire to become someone the society view as normal if not someone who is successful, the constant anxiety about the future security and stability, and the endless competition against one another for monetary profit. It gives me a glimpse of a sense of freedom, independence, and liberty.

I just want to live off on a permaculture homestead growing and raising whatever I need for food on it. I would also like to build my own house using earth. Maybe I can even weave my own clothes. Or I don't think I need that many clothing really. These already cover most of the basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This already allows me to survive. What else do I need?

Is it possible for a civilized person like me to only live off what I grow or produce. How hard does living this kind of life have to be? How much monetary wealth do I need in minimum to still be a functional citizen of the local and global economics?

I can conduct an experiment to really test this. I can live on my land in PTT2 for a year eating only what I can grow or raise, sleeping in a tent, traveling on a bicycle. What really concerns me is my land mortgage. How am I going to pay my mortgage while having no salary? This is one of my insecurity that I have to get rid off.

Whenever I start to think about how I am going to make money, how I am going to grow enough vegetable to sell to people for money, how I am going to do marketing so that they know about my vegetable and decide to buy it, how I am going to make enough money to be like this person or that person in the society, or would I fall into what the society call a low-level class, those without much money or societal wealth, I get anxious and sad. It seems like my soul from deep down don't want me to do or think about all these. It feels like this is not where I really belong, but somehow I feel like I have to think about them. Maybe this is because I have only been conditioned to think like this.