Dealing with perfectionism - Content creation [SC]

[Stream of Consciousness - SC]

You have no idea how many time I uploaded my work on Facebook or YouTube and re-uploaded them and uploaded them again. I am talking about Facebook page cover picture. I changed the mission and vision at least 5 times before I found the acceptable, for myself, version. I used to think about just using Dassatek to share my life experiences and lessons and think that I don't need to think too much about what the audiences want. My mindset was like this, "Here is my life's experience. I don't care what you think about it. I am going to share it anyway. Hope somehow find it helpful." It was more like Aaron Swartz's approach to blogging. Then I was having a hard time deciding wheather I want the page to be very specific or to just share random topics, the ones I am interested in. It was like an experimental process because I was not sure about myself too or what I want to focus on. Eventually, as I learned about myself better, I decided to have the page focused on agriculture in particular regenerative agriculture, and business in particular social business. So the vision/mission statement goes something like this, "ចែករំលែកចំណេះដឹងនិងបទពិសោធលើប្រធានបទ កសិកម្មនិរន្តរភាព និងកសិធុរកិច្ច ដើម្បីបំផុសគំនិតគាំទ្រឱ្យខេមរជនក៏ដូចជាមនុស្សជាតិ ធ្វើកសិកម្មជាសុខជាមួយធម្មជាតិ". Then I started making static video podcast about my experience working with agriculture cooperative. In the process, I uploaded and re-uploaded several times, hopefully the the 45 audiences don't find it annoying because I had to upload, delete, and re-uploaded it again just to edit. I would edit the size of the letter in the background image, the flow of the audio record, the order of how I want to post the teaser first and then video/podcast later. That was the structure I am following.

I was chasing a point where I am satisfied with my work, well at least for the moment because there is always room for improvement as we are learning the craft.

04/06/22

When I stayed at Bong Phearom's SdabStudio, I showed him my podcast I made to document my experiences working with the agriculture cooperative. After he heard it for the first time, he just commented on the content of the podcast. He said that it gave him new insight about the community, how they do business in particular their payment term.

Then I asked him to comment on the quality of the audio. He said that the quality wasn't really good.

When it comes to content creation work like this, it is very difficult to accept criticism. It felt hard to listen to Bong Phirom's comment on my podcast quality. I got defensive a bit at first, when he mentioned about recording with my laptop and not having a good recording equipment. I think I got defensive because I knew I have ok equipment, microphone.

Also, when he mentioned about they way I talk and implied that my style is not energetic enough, or fun, or attracting, or មានឡើកដាក់សំឡេងល្អ, I also got a bit defensive. I thought to myself, the heck with all that, I just be me. I don't want to act to try to be like those podcasts Bong Phirom showed to me. I was like, I just be myself then the right I will attract the audiences that fit with me.

Only after he took me into the studio and asked David to show me how to properly edit the audio, I realized that it wasn't really because of my equipment or the way I talk, but it was because of my editing.

What I learned is that my editing needed to be improved. I actually didn't do much editing. I recorded with a window built-in voice recorder. Put it into Audacity to cut, trim, and edit it. For editing, I only remove background noise. Then I just make it louder in Kdenlive. I didn't do it right. I made it too loud to a point that it distorted my voice "បែកសម្លេងក្រឡ័រៗ ឬឮកង៉ួៗ". If I did it in Audacity, it would be different​ and better because it would tell me how much I can raise the volume louder without distorting the original voice. Now to edit, I need to use "Compressor", "EQ Filter Graph", "Amplify", and "Noise Reduction".

ការលើកដាក់សម្លេង ខ្ញុំអាចប្តូរពីអាចតាមសំណេររបស់ខ្ញុំទាំងស្រុង មកមើលឱ្យយល់យើងនិយាយពន្យល់វិញ។ ធ្វើដូចនេះវាស្តាប់ទៅមានអារម្មណ៍ថាធម្មជាតិជាង។

Tone របស់ខ្ញុំរាងកំបុតៗ សង្កត់សម្លេងខ្លាំង។​ ប៉ុន្តែខ្ញុំអត់គិតថាចង់ប្តូរវាទេឥលូវហ្នឹងព្រោះវា feel ធម្មជាតិសម្រាប់ខ្ញុំ។ ចឹងវាស្រួល មិនពិបាកខ្ញុំសំដែង ដូច្នេះប្រើពេលតិចដើម្បីថត។ សំខាន់ចង់ថតអោយបានជាប់លាប់សិនចាំគិតពីវា។

Not only did I become defensive. But I started to feel discouraged for a bit, bitter, and sad because it made me compare myself to Pichirith or David Toj. It also made me doubt myself. I was like I am not as good as them. I might never become that good. This is all no making sense, because we actually do different things. They make music, I make podcast. They have at least 3 years in music making. I just started making podcast.

In the end, it is just a craft I want to build. I just need to practice. It is going to take time. I am going to make many shitty podcast, but that's just part of the refining process. Eventually, I will master it.