July 3, 2022•618 words
When I asked Leah about what I should translate and what I can skip in those interviews we conducted, she said without looking at me but her smart phone, "Translate what Sreymom said." I felt as if she was being a boss, an employer, or a customer, who is giving me an attitude. I felt like she told, "Don't ask too much. Just do what I said."
Then she added, "The good thing is that you are being paid. I think it is 40USD per interview. With that you can buy yourself a bed." I felt like she said it as if I really need that money from the translation. To be honest, I actually can decide not to do it. I am kind of a bit upset or angry. I FELT LIKE I AM BEING JUDGED AND LOOKED DOWN UPON.
It hurt me really bad. I became sad and contemplative. I wanted to weep (feeling heavy on the chest អួលដើមក) to release the pressure or whatever I was feeling. I felt this way because it seems like Leah thought that I can't afford a bed and I am doing the translation just because I want the, what she calls, "extra money". I know this is not what she thinks or means. She probably genuinely wants me to have a bed. She probably wasn't judging or looking down on me. But still it was difficult to accept it when I heard it.
On top of this event today, there is another factor that has led to have all the feelings and put me in such a bad mood for the last two days. I chat to Bong Pisal to discuss with him about the shooting of short bicycle documentary and to borrow his bicycle for the shooting. He has seen my messages, but he has never replied till today. He's probably busy. I probably put him in an uncomfortable position, so he doesn't know how to reply. Or he has just had enough of me and decided to ignore me. I don't know. lol
This two events revolves around a topic "not able to buy/have the things I want", a bicycle and a bed. It relates to money again. It says to me that I was not making a lot of money like these people, Bong Pisal and Leah. They are rich. I am poor. They're living a fancy life; I am surviving. They're spending money; I am trying to be as frugal as I can. It makes me feel very in secure and in great doubt of the life I have lived and the values I have hold. Do I need to want more money to live peacefully in this society? Am I capable of earning more money?
Having to choose walking over taking Passapp, sleeping at a cheaper hotel or at my mom's house over a 5-star hotel, drinking 5,000៛ coffee and eating cheaper food over drinking brand coffee or eating expensive food, just because I want to save money hurts me sometimes especially when I am with someone who is doing the opposite from me. The above two events are good cases to learn about how I feel.
To feel better, I thought about running away to live somewhere alone far away from civilization. I feel like that's the only place where I can be myself without caring about what other people think of me or comparing myself to them. To be truly myself.
I feel like I need deeper reasons to validate my values and actions or thinking at the moment. I feel like I need to make decision now on what I really value and want to adhere to with strong personal arguements.