Entry 4 - Late night debrief

The day in brief: a balanced imbalance

Off-the-bat, tired and out of it. But a quick pep-talk from The Coach, and I was moving. Work at 8:30a, played catch-up, and training the new person.

It felt pretty striking, on the one hand centered and present in training, and on the other immensely unfocused in my personal tasks.

We had a long conversation (admittedly with a lot of rambling on my part) about the org, our values, how we operate, and so on. Which itself was striking, I felt very connected to my values, but still felt a wall in the tasks.

Left early with the intent of finishing up at home, but ended up feeling scattered.

Made dinner, and had a good conversation with roomie.

Maybe that's worth reflecting on. Firstly, that I didn't "feel" like making dinner, but I did anyway. Behavioral activation in action, I suppose. Then the conversation with roomie was centered around the tension of feeling off, and not wanting to reach out, but doing so anyway.

I think that's something that I'm starting to see more, to get a better perspective on. This growth thing isn't about being perfect, it's not about suddenly becoming the person you wish you were, it's about being having the same patterns and the same reactions and chugging along regardless. Recognizing when those moments are happening, when there exists a decision point. Sometimes the wiser self prevails, and sometimes it dosen't. When it does, you see what went well and make note of it. When it doesn't, you see what went wrong and make a note of that.

There is no sudden change of personality, there is no overnight success. It's just about recognizing the fact that you're setting the input conditions for your future self. The recognition that it takes putting in the reps to become stronger. The recognition that you can do better, you won't always do better, and that learning from when you don't is what made it possible when you do.

I'm on the right path. It takes work to stay on that path, but that work is a whole lot easier and more fufilling than getting back on it after straying and falling into the gulch.

A word from The Coach

WHO THE HELL WANTS TO RIDE A BIKE DOWNHILL ALL DAY EVERY DAY? THAT'S A TICKET TO SNOOZE-TOWN.

OF FUCKING COURSE IT'S HARD TO KEEP UP WITH YOUR GROWTH, THAT'S WHAT WORKING OUT IS. YOU DON'T GET SWOLE BY LIFTING THE EASY WEIGHTS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOU PUSH YOURSELF TO A SAFE LIMIT AND THEN YOU GET STRONGER.

NOW GET UP, GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, AND GET TO BED. TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY, AND YOU GET TO MAKE IT THE KIND OF DAY YOU WANT.