March 3, 2022•261 words
Reflecting on how my understanding of love has changed over the years. I used to associate it with certain feelings - the warm fuzzies, the desire to spend time, to know, to share, etc. All that nice stuff.
Now I see love more like living space. It has to do with the opening of the heart - of my heart. It doesn't matter how I'm feeling towards someone, if I've brought them into that space then they're there and I'm there in it with them. Either of us can be deep in feelings of anger or even hatred but if I really have love for them then it's just another thing happening in that space. The relationship may change dramatically, we may never even see each other again, but that doesn't mean the love is gone. We remain connected across space and time, like drifting planets still inhabiting the same galaxy, still influencing each other's orbits from afar.
This change in understanding came about over time while processing painful feelings and experiences involving others, some of whom I eventually cut contact with. In the end, sometimes despite years of turmoil and eventual distance, a connection remains. One which goes deeper than memory or feeling. I may have wanted them to disappear or even hurt the way I was hurting but in that deeper place they remain held with complete acceptance. Even gratitude.
I don't need to do anything about these seemingly conflicting feelings. There's room for all of it in the space of love, and still more to it than that.