feb13
Woke up from a dream just now where I was standing on a small island of rock overlooking the sky and the sea a couple meters over from land. The few clouds and the light of the sun were making shimmering patterns against the clear blue of the sky, and when I looked down at the sea I saw a flock of seagulls flying in a way that they collectively looked like a giant bird flying into the sea. I was amazed and said to myself "when did they start doing that!?", and then saw another formation of gulls...
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feb11
I have some uncomfortable feelings moving through at the moment. I want to escape or stuff them but I'm closing my eyes and breathing through them. They're coming up after a pretty vulnerable conversation I just had with someone in which I don't feel I articulated myself very well. I'm worried what they'll think or what could happen - vague fears and thoughts of what I should have said instead or could say to clarify things. I'm not going to, but the thoughts are there. The ego feels threatened,...
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feb1
Thoughts are dreams, phantoms. Memories are dreams too - remnants of past incidents colored over and reinterpreted by whatever thoughts and feelings are present while remembering. There's no substance to them - thoughts are self-contained projections being overlaid onto reality. I've spent so much of my life in thoughts. I'm thinking right now. My thoughts separate me from life - make me afraid to fully live. Because that's my conditioning, aka the thoughts that were passed down to me. Fear, gu...
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jan30
It seems like the momentum of the past is still working its way through/out. I go on doing these stupid things, running around like a headless chicken, far less than before but still doing so. And then every once in a while, things wind down and fizzle out and it starts feeling like it's time to move on. Like it's time to let go and simplify even more. Things are starting to shift in that way. I've done a loooot of processing over the past couple years, much of it through outlets that involve a...
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jan29
I've recently been having a bunch of shadow qualities/suppressed truths coming into awareness. It's strange, they're not pretty but for some reason I'm kind of delighted by them. It's like ah - there you are! That's who's been hiding under there! And actually, it's been surprisingly easy to embrace and love myself more for them. It's relieving to more clearly see how much of a flawed and fallible human I am underneath the pretty thoughts and efforts to transcend. For the most part it seems like...
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jan24
We think we have problems, but what we really have are feelings. Feelings and their accompanying interpretations/projections/thoughts around the supposed causes of those feelings. "I feel sad. I don't want to feel sad, but I don't know how to make the feeling go away. I think I feel sad because of x. I will go out into the world and try to find people, things and/or situations to make the feeling go away." This does not work. People, things and situations can only distract us from our feelings,...
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jan20
These past couple weeks it's almost like my mind has become a self-correcting mechanism. The key seems to be feeling. As long as I withdraw my attention from thoughts and keep it on feelings, the thoughts automatically correct themselves. Anytime something uncomfortable comes up lately, I notice it, go to the feeling, stay with it for a while without analyzing, worrying, judging or resisting, maybe release/express if something comes to the surface, and then my thoughts and perspectives are corre...
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jan18
Dreamt that I was watching characters on a train talk about the unreality of things constructed for the average person in the world. I woke up in my room then closed my eyes, felt the vibrations of sleep coming on and had the thought "oh, I could go into a lucid dream" but felt wary since in past attempts something would spook me (sleep paralysis, visual/auditory phenomena). Then I had/heard the thought "it wasn't a scary one, just try it out", so I did. I felt some apprehension but stayed still...
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jan16
It's comforting somehow to realize, or maybe remember, that no one can ever really know or be known completely by someone else. All we can really see are observed qualities, patterns, appearances, expressions, feelings which we guage in relation to what we've already experienced. So we mostly come to know our own thoughts and judgments projected outward. The underlying essence is always indefinable and coated in different layers of impressions. When we experience or express judgments, whether p...
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jan15
Sometimes it's good to remember how awesome life is without all the baggage and desires. Just being alive. Having a healthy and comfortable body. Seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling, feeling, dancing, singing. All these are available here now. Why so much fear of loss and hunger for more? It's greedy, really greedy. And it's all in the body/mind. Thoughts and feelings. I want that [thought/feeling], I don't want to lose this [thought/feeling]. Reality is going on around these thoughts ...
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jan14
Got another compliment on my intellect today, or rather the clarity with which I communicate my thoughts. It's interesting how quickly praise can go from feeling pleasantly stimulating to uncomfortably confining. For a time I was getting complimented way too much on my appearance and demeanor and eventually felt more self-conscious and insecure than ever. I worked through it in time but it really messed me up for a while. I don't want the same thing to happen with my intellect, but maybe it's ne...
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jan13
I'm the one who's responsible for all my relationships souring and ending badly. It's me, it's always been me. It's not necessarily my fault, but it is and has always been my responsibility, and my failures. My lack of self-awareness and self-knowledge, my unwillingness/inability to prioritize and communicate my wants, needs, preferences and difference, my conditioned fears, traumas and baggage, my learned tendency to relinquish responsibility to others and then blame them for my discomfort. It'...
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jan12
Everyone is pre-programmed with certain things they're drawn to, enjoy and are naturally good at. It's pretty fascinating when I really think about it, sort of like a chicken and egg situation. Which came first - the external thing we're drawn to or the capacity to excel in it? I've lived most of my life trying to force myself into things that I'm not naturally suited for. Naturally I've felt relatively clumsy, incapable and stupid the whole way, and like everything was a bore and slog. I figur...
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jan11
Passed some people arguing on the street yesterday. Well, when I passed them it was more of a surprisingly civil discussion considering one was a guy with a microphone preaching about God and sin and such while the other was a trans person explaining why they were trans. I didn't stick around to listen, all I heard while passing was the trans person saying that they felt they should have been born a girl and the other guy saying that they were born a boy which means that's what they were suppos...
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jan10
Probably one of the worst overall things that happened was the lying. Being raised to fake my true thoughts and feelings, to smile and pretend to feel happy when I didn't, to say things I didn't mean to avoid upsetting or offending others, to do things I didn't want to do while acting like I did, to learn that it was better to act than be honest. Once you lose touch with the truth, it can be very hard to get back into alignment with it. Not only within yourself but also externally. It's confusi...
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jan9
One of the other tenants died the other day. He was in the basement apartment, we never spoke but I saw him here and there. The landlord told me he turned out to be an alcoholic and addict, and once he moved in I started getting used to seeing ambulances outside for what I'm guessing were overdoses. He was around my age. It's strange how coldly and quietly it happens from a distance. Seeing the lights of the ambulance outside again, hearing about some ruckus and mess he's been making, and then ...
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jan8
Attended something yesterday that ended up bringing up a lot of anxiety and subsequent emotional processing. It was something that I've been avoiding for a while because I had some bad experiences in the past and the discomfort I'd feel would make me want to leave, so I would. This time I challenged myself to stay and sit with the feelings coming up, since I don't want to be controlled by uncomfortable feelings and the urge to run away anymore. I barely slept last night and spent most of today f...
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jan2
Realized during my meditation this morning that I truly have no enemies in life. Even (maybe especially) those who stir discomfort in my body/mind and my life are really catalyzing the expansion of my awareness and growth. They're challenging me, and almost always in ways that are gentle, or at least survivable. Because in all these years, no one has killed me yet. They may have hurt me but it's never truly been too much. It just felt painful and/or uncomfortable for a time and altered my trajec...
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jan1 24
Another year, another entry. This morning I woke up feeling really ungrounded, and luckily these days I'm aware that that's a sign to park my ass down and feel some feelings. So I did - meditated on them for about an hour. My mind was really active, I guess in-part because I've been being approached with potential friendships lately and feeling unsure of how to proceed with them. On the one hand I do want to engage with people and explore friendships more. It's tempting to be invited to chat an...
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dec30
I am responsible for my problems. I am responsible for my feelings. I am responsible for my struggles. I am responsible for my fears. I've been conditioned to give my power and responsibility away, but others are not really responsible. I am, in every scenario. Many circumstances are beyond my control, but the responsibility for what arises for me within those circumstances is mine alone. It's me who's held back by myself. It's me who's shaping my life and making my choices. It's me who's resp...
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dec20
I seem to be in a pretty delicate place in my process. There are a lot of uncomfortable feelings coming to the forefront, but they're feelings that were always lurking behind the scenes, just covered up at times when I was feeling good or particularly optimistic. Feelings like loneliness, insecurity, sadness, fear, anger, frustration, irritation, cynicism, weariness and depression. These were always there deep down but I've put a lot of energy towards suppressing, masking and overriding them in ...
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dec19
Being loved for something you're not is supremely unsatisfying. Smiles and care coming in from all over for a projected image a pleasing mirage. But the costs for the truth could be so great Could mean losing it all. In order to gain... what, exactly? One of the ways to reach the point of being willing to take the risk, is to gain much through force and falsity and to find it all lacking. Empty, hollow, unsatisfying, tedious another splintered raft to cling to. So why waste more energy in keep...
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loneliness
During my meditations lately, and sometimes throughout the days, feelings of deep loneliness have been surfacing regularly. For a moment today I felt a little bit alarmed by it, that something might be wrong. It's obvious that I'm in a delicate place socially right now, so feelings of loneliness are to be expected. At the same time though, I'm completely capable of connecting with others whenever I want, and I know plenty of people who would be glad to. So it's deeper than the usual social lonel...
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dec15
Woke up this morning with the sun shining through the window. I decided to do my meditation in a sunbeam on the floor, and when the timer went off I didn't want to stop. I ended up sitting for about 3 hours, with some stretching in between. It was really nice, just to sit with some music playing and the sun warming my skin while the body/mind processed and released whatever thoughts and feelings came to the surface. Since I was so content to be there I told myself I'd sit until I felt whatever ...
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dec14
I've written about this before but I'm once again feeling torn between two competing directions. One that calls for working hard to actively pursue and fulfill my potential to the benefit and enjoyment of myself and those around me, while the other just doesn't give a shit about any of this and wants to kick back and chill and let what happens happens. In this moment, I'm really feeling like the second route is the way to go. Maybe because I'm burnt out...hmm...yeah, probably that. But I do thi...
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dec2
So much of life is just contending with what is and what happens. Most of it really. I didn't choose any of this, at least as far as I can tell. The world is just here as it is and continues to evolve as it does, just as I came out of this world as I am and continue to evolve as I do. Every moment my unfolding is intersecting with those around me. I'm sitting on a chair made by someone else, held up on a floor in a house made by someone else, typing into a keyboard made by someone else, into a p...
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nov28
"It's time to move into the conflict and ugliness of the world and relationship. To stop withdrawing into the calm, comfort and safety of isolation and imagination and to move towards the pain and friction of engagement willingly. To trust in my capacity to handle it with increasing grace and skill, or at least to trust myself to develop the capacity to do so along the way. To know that my precious peace is always waiting within me, after but a few moments of fully feeling and being with whateve...
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nov23
Woke up from a dream early this morning with a voice loudly making a sharp spooky sound into my ear/mind. Kind of like "aaaaaAAhh!". The dream wasn't scary but that moment was and I woke up feeling a good deal of fear, and while I lay in bed my thoughts were roaming around various aspects of my life and painting over them in frightening ways. At some point I decided that it was probably repressed emotional pain coming up, and I disengaged from the thoughts and lay there for a while feeling it in...
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nov22
I feel like dog doo today. A good night's sleep is so vital to feelin fine. Let's get some low mood thoughts out. As time goes on, it seems I'm becoming more and more simple. Almost too simple in some ways. My diet is simple, my lifestyle is simple, my passtimes are simple. I have little to talk about with people. I was in a group conversation yesterday and most of what I said was pulled from random trivia floating in my head that I don't really give a shit about. I was just bouncing relevent d...
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nov17
I've been finding lately that it's gotten easier to choose to feel more relaxed and happy/contented. I've just been remembering to periodically throughout the days, essentially disengaging slightly from my interpretations and feelings about the apparent conditions of the moment and relaxing within myself. So whatever I'm doing, whatever's happening and however it seems/appears, ever-so-slightly shifting my energy towards a less serious and more lighthearted and playful tone. I can do this even i...
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nov10
Some miscellaneous reflections: Recently been slipping into the old misery mires of the mind. Swimming through internalized complaints, frustrations, resentments, fears, feeling trapped, feeling alone, feeling helpless, feeling hopeless, feeling burdened, feeling stressed, all these kinds of thoughts and feelings coursing through my mind and body throughout the days. I guess it's to be expected, since I drastically cut back on some pleasurable coping/distraction strategies that I've leaned on ...
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nov8
Let today mark the relinquishment of the NICE pattern of the false self defense program. I thank it for its utility in protecting my developing core from the volatile goobers that surrounded me when I wasn't capable or aware enough to repel them, nurture myself and steer my own course. Its time is coming to a close. I can be kind without being nice. I can be compassionate without being nice. I can even forgive without being nice. It's an affectation that isn't needed anymore. Niceness is soc...
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nov3
Recently had something of an emotional relapse that brought up a degree of fear/anxiety that I haven't felt in a while. It sucked at the time but it ended up bringing clarity around something that was teetering just out of my awareness, which are some of the ways I compulsively run away from and numb out my feelings rather than moving into and feeling them. I'm still sure there are more but some of the most deeply rooted are my tendency to eat, especially sugary foods, and to seek pleasure when ...
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nov 3
It's been such a process coming to terms with everything that's beyond my control. This includes almost everything beyond some subtle shifts in my own attention, and even this is arguably beyond my control in a certain sense. There have been so many things around me that I've seen as wrong and in need of improvement, but whenever I've tried or really thought it through, I've found the situation ultimately insoluble. Every solution only creates or makes way for new problems. Eventually the only ...
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oct26
There's a thought that keeps coming back to me - "everything in the world disappoints". It's something I keep noticing. Whenever I get or do something that I've been craving or fantasizing about, it ends up being disappointing. It can be something as simple as wanting to eat a specific food or something as complex as a relationship, activity or experience. Once I get or do the thing, at best it tends to be fine but rarely if ever as enjoyable, satisfying or fulfilling as I thought it'd be. I'...
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oct23
I think I've been groping too hard at happiness lately. Whenever I try to plan my happiness, the thing ends up being okay but also disappointing somehow. I guess it can't measure up to the expectation, the fantasy. Reality almost never can, and yet reality can also be surprisingly nourishing in completely unexpected moments. Sitting in a room, alone or with others, and suddenly feeling happiness, peace, love welling up. Rising out of nowhere, filling the body/mind, lingering for a while and then...
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carousel
One day happy, next day sad. One day relaxed, next day stressed. One day grateful, next day worried. On and on it goes. The way off this carousel is detachment. Noticing the thoughts, the feelings, the endless fluctuations, and letting them be as they are until the next, and the next, and the next. Here we go again. Up and down, in and out, attached then detached, identified then aware then identified again. Round and round and round it goes. Attachment is bondage, detachment is liberation. ...
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aug30
I want to stop being phony to "connect" with people. Forcing niceties and positivity, basically. I want to have the courage and confidence to stay aligned with and express who I am rather than falling into polite chatter. I seem to get pulled into it by/with others and then keep us both stuck on that frequency when I could nudge us out of it by being more authentic and thereby creating space for others to as well. I want to be more real, even if it might make me or others feel uncomfortable or ...
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aug12
I seem to prefer staying in a detached state of wonder at life/creation over getting really involved in what I'm seeing/participating in. I stay aloof somewhere deep down, watching it all happen before my eyes/mind even as my own body speaks and acts in that space. I revel in the passing mystery of it more than the tangible details and treasures. At the same time there's a yearning for more intimacy, more involvement, more closeness, more participation, more play. Is it possible to have both? C...
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jul26
I'll just be myself and leave the rest to Life. ...
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jul5
Happiness is wanting to be exactly where you are. ...
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jun29
Recently I've been feeling kind of down and disappointed because I haven't made as much progress as I'd like with my inner growth and recovery. I'm still acting out old patterns and making the same mistakes that I'd hoped to have outgrown by now. I still doubt and second guess myself, still fall into avoiding and evading rather than being true to myself, still prioritize others over myself, lose contact with myself while with others and go along with things that I don't really want, end up being...
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jun25
All thoughts are essentially false and relative. They may serve a function in the world of this and that, of judgments and decisions and conversations, but they don't need to be given undue reality when not needed. Better to rest the mind in being, in not-knowing, in acceptance of whatever is as it is whatever it all may really be beneath the superficial sensory descriptions and conditioned prejudices, than to be constantly preoccupied with meaningless words passing back and forth across the min...
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context
Everything in the world makes sense with enough context. The way things are, why things are the way they are, the way people are, the things we do, why we do what we do. It all makes sense with enough information. If something seems impossible, shocking or incomprehensible at the moment of its appearance or enaction, it just means there's context lacking to sufficiently grasp how it came about. With enough context, everything makes sense. Everything fits. Everything turns out to follow logical p...
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jun23
Some miscellaneous reflections: I've gotten used to the mental spaciousness that comes with being mostly on my own. Now that I've slowly started engaging with others more, I'm finding some of the old overthinking and irritation returning, though there's also the pleasure of company and interaction. The main challenge is moderating contact to the degree that I'm comfortable and actually enjoying it rather than continuously engaging as a courtesy. I'm happy to see and talk to others when I'm hap...
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back
To stay sane in the world, to not lose oneself in all the games, expectations, agendas, ideas and impressions, there's little more valuable than the return - the turning/drawing back of attention to its source. Back to the origin of all phenomenal experiencing. Back to the primordial Self. Without this constant turning back/in, getting lost is inevitable and insanity likely. But if the source is always kept in view, you'll never be lost and you'll never stray too far into the brambles. Everythi...
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jun4
Went out to meditate at the park this morning. It was early so there were only a few others there, most with their dogs. It was sunny, cool and peaceful. The dogs were giving off such a relaxed playfulness. Or maybe it's just that I was relaxed watching them. It was so quiet. I found myself realizing, or at least feeling, that I'm in heaven. Looking around, seeing flowers in bloom and people chatting while the dogs played. It was serene, but so mundane that there's hardly anything to say about i...
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emergence
Whatever happens can be seen as the Will or Way of the universe, or of God or Tao or whatever. This moment is the expression of the collective movement of the entire cosmos since its seemingly spontaneous emergence out of emptiness. Therefore, all feelings and perspectives are valid and inevitable, yet none so forever. Shame, regret and judgments, for example, can be seen through and let go of as this eternal moment continues to emerge. After all, when are their stories essentially accurate in...
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miraculous
When nothing is craved beyond what's already present and available, when all of it is experienced as a blessing in itself (being already more than the more logical probability of oblivion), when just being alive to experience experiencing is sufficient, every moment can be its own source of serene joy. Each instant washing upon the senses fresh and new, like waves gently gliding onto a sunlit shoreline. Just being here to feel the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the breeze, to see the col...
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outnumbered
The light is always outnumbered by the dark. The beautiful is always outnumbered by the ugly. The intelligent is always outnumbered by the dumb. The sincere is always outnumbered by the petty. The truth is always outnumbered by the lies. It's just how it is in the world of this and that. The one is always comparatively small, fleeting, delicate but radiant. The other is always vast, dense, imposing but hollow. The darkness is always threatening to consume the light, which may shine brightly fo...
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may14_
It's funny to consider how much energy and emphasis I seem to put into transcendence when I actually don't admire the detached/transcendent all that much. I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame but what I really admire is grounded, earthy, expressive humanness. Those who are immersed in their immediate experience/circumstances, who are utterly involved in and appreciative of their humanity. Those who instinctively say what's on their mind and show what's in their heart. Obviously there are way...
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may14
Did my morning meditation on the grass today. The warmth of the sun on my face and the coolness of the grass were so nice. At one point a dog appeared in my lap, sniffed my nose and scampered off. Very cute interruption. Recently I've noticed how I can get lost behind the part of my mind that conceptualizes. The imagination, essentially. These holograms of words and images always being generated which I primarily seem to focus on and describe when I'm thinking and speaking. It seems to be chal...
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birthright
Reflecting on how much energy can really be wasted on overcompensating, meaning pretty much anything that isn't really needed or intrinsically enjoyable but which we do anyways to make up for a lack of self acceptance/confidence in our raw simplicity/humanness. Maybe it's putting a lot of time and money into dressing up, getting jacked/fit, having status symbols to show off wealth/material success, getting likes and follows, maybe even gaining enlightened status or spiritual power. A whole lifet...
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symbols
All thoughts are ultimately false and incomplete because they can only ever represent perspectives through the use of symbols. They craft illusions which may be stimulating, compelling, insightful, moving, funny, but which can never encompass or convey truth. To wander down roads of thoughts is to enter into simulated representations from the perspectives of the thinker/speaker. Even in one's own mind, what thoughts convey is always ultimately untrue and limited. Giving undue reality and imp...
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open
Nirvana/Heaven opens up when there's nothing left to think about, worry about, accomplish or defend. When all that's left is to be. The moment attention returns to thinking, worrying, accomplishing or defending, Nirvana/Heaven is obscured once more, like clouds moving in to cover the open sky. ...
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may8
My task, if it can be called that, is to be with this life of mine however it is/unfolds in each moment. To experience it completely. It's to embrace this life for what it is while it is, not fret over it, lament it or criticize it. The same with people, whether loved ones, strangers or myself, and with all circumstances beyond my control, whether economical, political or biological. It's to be here, as it is and as I am. To experience this life as this being. And then to let it go. ...
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source
Considering at the moment the potential significance of there actually being no polarities in nature. It's more like there's the presence of "something" and the relative absence of it along continuums of varying forms. This "something" can be called energy, which appears to manifest in various expressions to the senses. But it's all essentially emanating from and representing the same multifaceted force. There's heat and the absence of heat, which we call cold. There's light and the absence of l...
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stress
So much excess stress in life comes from not trusting what happens/is/will be. Despite the countless stress-inducing events I've been through, from the minor everyday events like being late for work to major crises, I'm still here. The sun still rises and sets on schedule, the seasons continue to change and life carries on. The only difference is really only ever in my mind. It's my own thoughts and projections that cause my stress. Life is basically as it always was, with some fluctuations and ...
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apr29
I can't tell if I've come to the logical conclusion of my wacky misadventures or if I'm just low on vitamin D or something but I can't seem to come up with anything worth working my ass off for. In a way I've been trying to find the right thing my whole life. But whenever I come up with something and try it out, get/do the thing or just thoroughly think it through, I eventually end up more or less back where I started. Energy production when it comes to goals seems to operate in direct relation...
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apr28
All media and symbols create and propagate illusions, not truth. It all relies on dismembering and representing aspects of reality in order to convey certain perspectives and ideas. These are inherently incomplete, since neither our senses nor our intellects nor any method of communication we've developed can convey any truth in its entirety. All we convey and experience are perspectives and ideas which are then further filtered by the senses and minds of others. As a form of play and creativit...
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praying-for
Praying for things/others indicates attachment to ego and form and desire to control/hold on. In truth, Life will do what it will do and unfold how it will unfold. Every being in existence will gain and lose and gain and lose, on and on until they must finally lose this self they've temporarily gained. Praying for specific things/people soothes the ego-mind, altering its perception and therefore experience of the unfolding. More than any tangible effects in the world, it temporarily helps the ...
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apr20
I've been looking more into other religions recently, both the foundational texts and through visiting local temples. The more I do, the more clear it becomes to me that the religious institutions are completely distinct from the texts and other creations they've co-opted as their own. They're barely referencing the same things, and when they do it's usually to add weight/authority to unrelated messages and practices that the institution wants to instill to further some views or agendas of their...
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compensating
You really never know when something significant will suddenly stop mattering. One realization, piece of data or moment of growth/release and poof - it falls away like a leaf from a tree. Feeling sober today. A bit like the wind's been knocked out of my sail. It doesn't feel bad, maybe a bit dry and stoic. It occured to me how much humans, myself included, are susceptible to forming compensatory beliefs or behaviors to avoid uncomfortable feelings. This can take nearly all the elaborate forms t...
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goal
The goal, if there can be said to be one, isn't to become exceptional or better or more of anything. If anything it's to become exceptionally ordinary, in the sense of being natural/naturally oneself. It's to withdraw from all these false and artificial beliefs implanted and embedded in the body/mind which obscures perception and poisons experiencing. It's to release all these conflicting and misleading ideas and impressions, gathered from a learned distrust in innate qualities and abilities. It...
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apr11
Going to get back into intentional writing time. If I don't proactively make time to tune in and express, I seem to lose clarity in everything I'm doing, absorbing and processing. Something coming to light recently is how I'm still essentially hypnotized by thoughts most of the time. Judgments, interpretations, assumptions, expectations. More and more the practice is just letting go and returning to not-knowing and okayness with what is. More than that, to sincere trust and faith in what is. L...
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karma/dharma
We exit karma and enter dharma the moment personal will is surrendered to the will of the whole, which is whatever is, was and will be. Karma is created in the interpretations, beliefs and will of the ego, generated by the momentum of past experiences/conditioning and identification with the body/mind. Karma keeps awareness confined within samsara, the realm of limitation, mortality, suffering and death. Dharma is the will of the whole - unconditioned, spontaneous and beyond the egos capacity...
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apr3
Feeling empty, hollow, depressed this morning. Going to try to feel into it. Could be the abandonment depression. Wish me luck. Alright, cried it out and feeling better. Energy flowing again. Also found some renewed willingness to engage more fully in the messiness of life. We'll see how that plays out. I won't make any decisions. I'll just keep processing and see what comes of it. I trust this feeling and what's arising from it. I'm not afraid of it. I welcome it. So even the feeling of emp...
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apr2
We're each here to be exactly who we are. We're each here to do exactly what we do. We're each here to experience exactly what we experience. We're each here to seek exactly what we seek, and to find exactly what we find. ...
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apr1
Recovery means moving the source of happiness from external to internal. Recognizing ever more deeply that my external circumstances do not bring or take away my happiness - I do. ...
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onward
Today I'm feeling how devastating the awakening process can be, and how relentless life is in its determination to move one way and one way only. There's no going back. There's no returning to the sense of structure and solidity my old illusions provided. Even the painful ones served some purpose in shielding me from aspects of reality that were even more painful to face. It's strange and confounding to consider the minds capacity for denial and self-deception. Some memories are crossing my mi...
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Mar30
Noticing the futility of thoughts while lying in bed this morning. One follows the other. Common themes - anxiety, self preservation, anticipation, control. Scanning variables for potential threats. Lack of trust, lack of confidence. And so, I turn it over to Life and choose to focus on Here/Now. I will feel the anxiety in my chest, release it and enjoy this day, surrendering thoughts of days that will never come to pass in reality. Mere projections of a fearful mind. As I move through the anx...
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mar29
Recently I've noticed a shift in how I'm perceiving and responding to situations that stir up frustration, irritation, anger and defensiveness. It started with a note left by a housemate pointing out that I didn't do a good job cleaning some oil off the stove. I've walked into rooms to find these kinds of notes a few times now and they'd usually set off irritation because I'd start thinking about how it was unfair that I was expected to be perfect while I was sometimes cleaning up after others w...
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simplicity
I was just lying in bed processing a situation in my life that feels overly complicated, to the point that I can't seem to really figure out how to respond to it. It involves a relationship with someone whose past decisions have created chaos and mistrust that's bled over into my life/mind through association with them. Thinking about it really makes me see how, at least for me, simplicity is essential to peace of mind. Anything overly complicated like that, that involves figuring out what's tru...
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identification
The return to the true self involves psychologically moving everything which was previously identified with outside of the self, yet (somewhat paradoxically) contained within it. The beliefs, desires, emotions, thoughts, sensations, actions, experiences, body - everything that was formerly identified with must be seen as occuring within range of the self without containing it. The true self is beyond all this. It bears witness to these aspects but is not confined to any of it. It would be more...
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unhappiness
Happiness emerges in acceptance and appreciation of what is, however it appears. Unhappiness encloses in resistance and rejection of what is, however it appears. ...
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mar20
Some miscellaneous reflections: I've been too serious lately, for a while really. Pent up emotions seem to be the primary cause - past pain, old hurts that flair up, old internalized judgments that get projected onto self/others/world. It also signals insecurities that I'm still carrying and points to aspects to either work on or accept completely. In truth, everything is as it is, and everything that is has an inevitable and fast-approaching end. It's not really worth getting uptight or worke...
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thwarted
It seems that every attempt to control Life is, immediately or eventually, thwarted by Life. This can feel frustrating but it occured to me just now that it's actually a gift. In not cooperating with my projections, Life is essentially saying that there's nothing I can do so I might as well stop worrying and enjoy myself. I might as well stop trying to control things. I might as well stop wasting energy on fear and anxiety. I might as well stop clinging and just enjoy what's available here and...
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mar17
Every rise precedes a fall. Every high precedes a low. This seems unavoidable and endless. There seems to be a line of neutral equilibrium at which things can be said to feel in balance. Dip below that line and I eventually spring up. Rise above it and I eventually drop down. This all operates on the level of ego perception, a result of the way I'm seeing and interpreting things. This is good, that is bad. I like this, I don't like that. I want this, I don't want that. There seems to be two w...
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outgrow
I don't solve my problems. I outgrow them. Trying to come at perceived problems directly often only gives undue power and reality to illusions. Time and energy is thereby wasted in fighting what are ultimately shadows in the mind (projections of fears, anxieties, guilt, shame, beliefs, etc). Rather than trying to cut away at the endless branches that appear, the source of all problems can be dissolved at the root through the continued cultivation of growing awareness. ...
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mar16
Some miscellaneous reflections from the past few days: More than anything about others, my interactions reveal to me my own values and beliefs. What I see on the surface of others' behaviors tells me little about them overall. What I'm seeing are primarily reflections of what's going on within my own mind, thought processes and my emotional reactions to those thoughts/interpretations. When I find myself respecting or admiring an aspect of someone's behavior, it shows that both I and that perso...
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Voice
Life speaks to the living. It's always available and communicating with us, seeming to arise from the depths of the heart which connects to the unseen. Once it's found and met there, nothing in the world can hold sway as it once did. What's tangible is forever paled in comparison to this invisible something underlying and permeating it all. And it speaks. Not to the ears, but to and from beyond the invisible heart. Sometimes with feeling but often plainly and lucidly with words and images, or j...
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dead
God, spirit, heart - some words which point towards the only force in life which is really alive. Only expressions, creations, words, movements, thoughts, feelings, anything at all which are in the immediate process of emerging from these depths are living. Everything else is a husk, an empty shell, a hollow remnant of something which once emerged alive but is now dead. This includes our very bodies. These bodies are shells, each with a connection to the wellspring of life witnessing and animati...
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mar07
Visited a dying relative and spent some time with him while he gasped in some of his last breaths. One of the many things it's stirred up lately is a recognition of how little time we actually spend in this life, even if we live to old age. A human lifetime starts and ends in a relative flash. Everything that seems so solid and important now will be gone in a cosmic second. First from my awareness and then, in another cosmic minute, from any trace of ever having existed at all. Everything as I...
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mar06
On this day, in this moment, I love life. I love everything about it, even the tragic and gloomy parts. I love my life exactly as it is, even the messy parts. I love myself and being who I am. I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I love everyone I know and have known, even those who hurt me. Without them, I wouldn't have gone through what I did to be here now. They have my sincerest thanks, as much as those who were kind. I love the music I listen to, the food I eat, the clothes I wear, the animal...
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beach day
Today was unexpectedly pleasant. Lined up some fun for the next 3 months, went to the beach, basked in the sun, listened to some pretty music and skipped some excellent rocks near a curious cat on a leash. Some miscellaneous reflections and intentions: Life is what it is and will be. I don't know for sure what follows after the death of this body, all I have are deductions and hearsay. I don't really know what anything is, all I have are descriptors and patterns. As far as I can reasonably gat...
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mar04
There's an interesting opposition of forces at play in this human experience. On the external level, much of what I encounter seems designed to strip me of my happiness, health and wellbeing, routinely throwing me off balance and into anxiety, unease and suffering. At the same time, there are forces within which are continuously compelling me, ultimately, towards happiness, wisdom, strength and equilibrium. Just slowly and quietly working away. Not the thoughts or feelings necessarily, since t...
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distortions
The inner growth process seems to operate in stages, at least in my experience. In each stage there's something within that's calling for awareness and integration. During this time, it has a sort of gravitational pull in which it consumes a lot of energy and attention while the body/mind works towards greater awareness and eventual integration. At the moment of sufficient comprehension, there's a release as the psychic compound is finally successfully integrated. At that moment, it's almost as ...
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stupid
I know what I need to do - to let go of my grip on the wheel and let things take their course for a while. To just focus on my health, happiness and healing and let life handle the rest. I seem to be afraid to let go into that degree of trust. I still find myself anxiously ruminating, trying to fix things that don't need my fixing, trying to control fate when I have no clue what's really to come about as a result of my actions. It's all foolishness - it's no way to live. It's pointless stress....
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conditioning vs authenticity
Over the past few years, I've been in something of a struggle for my freedom. It's conflicting because in many cases it's freedom from things that could be seen as positive but which I simply don't want or need, whether in general or at the time that others are offering/asking for time, attention or company. More than that, it's a struggle for freedom from my own conditioned beliefs, thoughts and feelings. I've spent most of my life reactively accomodating those around me. When others ask somet...
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renew
The only way to be in a continual state of growth and renewal is to let everything go from one moment to the next. Things that were said, done, believed, experienced, accomplished, gained, lost, known, felt, thought, expressed - all of it should be relinquished as they pass by. Something that was true in one moment need no longer be true in the next. Life has moved on - I've emerged into a new moment, a new truth. Words that were said may have been the truth in that moment but may not be in th...
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heart to heart
I've been attending a group for a while where I have the option to share my thoughts if any come to mind. Whenever something comes up that I want to share, I get a rush of anxiety as my mind starts rehearsing. It's like the thoughts get backed up in my head, like some kind of verbal constipation. Rather than being expressed cleanly and effortlessly, they start gathering and jumbling and I get preoccupied with trying to lay it all out mentally before speaking out loud. This only ever has the oppo...
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feb22
All I have are friends and teachers. ...
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two roads
Walking two roads at once, that of the absolute and the relative. Knowing that all impressions and stories are ultimately false without denying their relative reality and effects. Participation without assimilation. Sincerity without seriousness. Being and becoming. Timelessness and time. Deathlessness and life. ...
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medicine
The physician heals himself. As he is healed, so too is the world around him. ...
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anguish
Processed yet more goo today, this time through a visual and sensory exploration of what I came to describe as anguish. As I closed my eyes and opened myself to the discomfort bubbling up, images came to mind that reminded me of the shriveled little voldemort near the end of the last harry potter. I let the emotions flare up and consume my body while continuing to watch the sensations and images. At the peak of it the creature was shrieking and writhing in agony but then slowly started to morp...
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guilt
Had an unexpected release of a very deep wound that got triggered by a song from the tarzan soundtrack (of course). Since I was a kid, I was implicitly and explicitly given the message on a routine basis that I was a burden in some way, that others had to sacrifice and suffer for me and so on. I went through so much guilt over this which some lyrics in the song brought back up. I found myself, as I had many times in the past, feeling overwhelmed with guilt and remorse for the pain I caused. An...
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hot tip
Hot life tip that I should get tattooed so I stop forgetting: If you really want to do it, do it. If you don't really want to do it, don't do it. ...
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doodoo
Having one of those days where I'm feeling fed up with information. We are all so full of absolute shit. Unverifiable, unreliable, unnecessary shit. How much of my day is spent ignoring myself and putting all of my attention on the words of others, many of whom must be either dumb or inflated to have the kind of confidence necessary to spread their beliefs into the mainstream arena as truth? Almost anyone who thinks they know anything these days without feeling enough reasonable doubt to quest...
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improvements
Man...it struck me this morning how many of my choices and outlooks still revolve around not feeling good enough as I am. I suppose it's all part of the process of learning by experimenting and going towards various extremes to experience the limits of what's really tenable, necessary and fulfilling. Overtime it brings me ever closer back to center, back to who I am, who I have always been and who I, in all likelihood, will always be. The more I meditate and learn and reflect and experience, th...
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remembering
The perception of oneself and others as certain kinds of persons (good, bad, innocent, sinner, superior, inferior, etc) is a product of the belief in separation - the impression that there are separate people doing separate things. In truth there is one eternal being, one infinite process. An aspect of this process is the appearance of individual components which are capable of independent thought and action. There is the tendency for awareness to become lost in the thoughts it perceives, which ...
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storms
Today was a processing day. Strong surges of emotion and near-constant barrage of disruptive thoughts. Kept getting pulled into them, into the scenarios playing out, getting fired up at them, rationalizing and projecting and judging and defending. I decided to just accept that it was going to be one of those days and make room to let it happen. As I went about my day I'd get sucked in, then notice and watch, then get sucked in again, then notice and watch, again and again all day. There wasn't...
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Divine
I am neither good nor bad. What I am is Divine. As is everyone and everything else. Good and bad are perspective dependent descriptors that generally hold way too much influence over sense of worth and what's worthy. "I did this, that makes me good." "He did that, that makes him bad." It's a childish way of evaluating, and all it does is either inflate or diminish based on the latest simplistic judgment call drawn from limited information. It's often also a shame-based means of control. Approve...
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responsibility
As individuals, we can basically approach life in two ways. We can do what we want to do, what feels right to us, what we believe to be right, what we're called to do. Or we can do what others want, what feels right to them, what they believe to be right, what they call us to do. We're so deeply conditioned with so much programming, layers upon layers of it. Parental programming, social programming, educational programming, sexual programming, moral programming, religious programming, societal ...
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recognition
All false stories accumulated on the journey to truth will be dissolved into truth through forgiveness. All energies generated in the body/mind as a result of these stories will be transmuted into forgiveness through grieving. Feeling the energies leads to grieving. Grieving restores clarity. Clarity brings forgiveness. Forgiveness is the recognition of untruth and the pain created by it. Forgiveness restores peace. Peace restores vision. Vision reveals truth. Truth embraces all. ...
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problemsolutions
The problem is the perception of a problem. The solution is the awareness of perception. The problem is composed of thought. The solution is the awareness of thought. The problem is the interpretation of perceived events. The solution is the awareness of interpreting. Problem and solution arise together. The solution is the return to the point at which the problem arose in the mind. The point at which the mind generated the perception of the problem. Neither problem nor solution are in the ...
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feb10
Came across some videos of people doing various kinds of drugs, usually street drugs but sometimes things like weed and alcohol. Some of them were funny in how absurd and almost cartoonish the drugs made them act but some of them were more sad. They all had a sad undertone though, I guess because I figured they were probably masking and numbing pain. In some cases they seemed like somewhat naive people being mistreated, like ones where "friends" were egging them on to take more and more when the...
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death, desire and belief
Seems like there are so many different ways to approach this seemingly infinitely vast experience of life. Essentially though, at the very base of this, there are two of primary interest to me lately. One approach is to use force of will to move through the experience of life, usually in the pursuit of specific desires, goals and outcomes. The other approach is to surrender personal will and take life as it unfolds, accepting the experience of whatever comes with no particular interest or attach...
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3 layers of healing
~ LAYER 1: EXTERNAL ~ The body/mind is always healing and moving towards its default state of optimal functioning, which is a natural and intrinsic state of serenity, health, intelligence and vitality. In a majority of cases, the lack of these qualities along with what we typically call "illnesses" and "disorders" are a direct result of LIFESTYLE - the things we do and encounter on a regular basis, particularly in terms of the content and quantities of what's absorbed in: interpersonal engage...
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shadows
I've been exploring shadow work for a while but always felt a little bit blocked in it, like these qualities were still too nebulous and out of reach. Recently though I had a kind of breakthrough where I was able to see all these parts of myself that I've rejected and tried to either suppress or get rid of. Not just "bad" qualities but "good" ones too that I was reluctant to acknowledge and embrace, mostly as a result of early conditioning. I ended up making a huge list of these qualities and be...
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sludge
Coming out of a down period over the past couple days. As unpleasant as it can feel compared to the up times, part of me looks forward to them now. Since my energy and drive recedes, those are the times when I can really move into feeling through the underlying emotional pain that drives my more neurotic behavior patterns. According to a book on cptsd I've been reading, I seem to be in the later stages of recovery. I've made it through the heat of overwhelming distress and anger and now need t...
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jan31
I seem to constantly be at war with different aspects of myself. They're so contradictory and difficult to reconcile in a comprehensible, coherent and communicable way. But really, maybe the only problem is this perpetual effort to do so and to change things. Maybe all that's needed is to stop judging myself in the first place and trying to be any kind of way at all. Just embracing all of it and approaching every situation without any expectations of how I might be and respond. Just trusting wha...
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watts
"My vocation in life is to wonder about at the nature of the universe. This leads me into philosophy, psychology, religion, and mysticism, not only as subjects to be discussed but also as things to be experienced, and thus I make an at least tacit claim to be a philosopher and a mystic. Some people, therefore, expect me to be their guru or messiah or exemplar, and are extremely disconcerted when they discover my “wayward spirit” or element of irreducible rascality, and say to their friends, “How...
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training
Heard something today that seems obvious now but didn't really occur to me. Training attention is like training a muscle. If left untrained, the muscle weakens and it takes more and more effort to do less and less. And in the process of training it, extra energy is initially required to reach and sustain a new plateau of strength. After this more becomes possible with less effort and further levels become available. Attention is something that I...haven't given enough attention to. I usually le...
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roles
Note to self: accept your roles in the greater drama of life, no matter how they've played out. Good in this scene, bad in this one. Saint to this person, sinner to that one. Worthy on this day, unworthy on that one. Accept it all, and embrace the lessons you're learning and teaching along the way - even the painful ones. Shape events where you can but accept completely what has already played out, without personalizing or crafting fixed identities based on them. Change is everpresent, and roles...
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awareness
Using the analogy of the trinity, I could say that I'm the Father (God/the whole/creator), the Son (this person/creation), and the holy spirit (awareness). To recognize their simultaneity is to disidentify from only being "the Son". It's to recognize that I'm not just the Son, but that the Son is in Me. This person/creation is one component of a greater multidimensional Self. What the Son experiences with awareness is experienced by God. Anything occuring without awareness isn't experienced, whi...
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G*d
Since I've gotten more into the G word lately, I wanted to try defining some layers of my conception of it. God (v): impersonal energetic principle constituting, encompassing and animating reality supreme beingness which perceives and is perceived in all infinite universal intelligence dimension of pure love sustaining all life boundless eternal process of transition expressed in growth, evolution, motion, decay and dissolution consciousness and its activity/contents cause of all effects orig...
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creation
First there's only the essence. Essence and essence and more essence. This essence is the most fertile soil, dense with all possibilities existent, imagined and as yet unimaginable. And all about this essence sprout the various forms that come in and out of being. All of which start out empty, as empty as the essence itself which continues its ceaseless pulsations throughout the gathering forms. Then the forms become more solid, but still soft and pliant with essence. And gradually, they harden ...
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pressure
It seems like most of the world is designed to impede spiritual growth, but this might just be an impression. It could be similar to the pressure needed to create diamonds, which are rare and valuable compared to ordinary stone. Being surrounded by so much noise, suffering and insanity seems to have the effect of pushing certain localizations of consciousness inward, fueling inner expansion and refinement. This doesn't always seem to be the case, as it seems to be more likely overall that the ...
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justice
There's no real justice in the world of man. That's a fabrication, a production, a comforting idea that's packaged and sold. There is, however, the constant balance and interplay of cause and effect. As a collective, we always reap what is sewn. The actions of the condemned individuals of society are the manifested consequences of what's done and created on a collective level. Assigning blame onto specific individuals is essentially scapegoating, similar to that in dysfunctional families, rela...
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uniting
Attachments and aversions must be united into One. Mental preferences for this or that must be transcended if one is to remain attuned to the underlying permeating reality of boundless unity. If something seems ugly or nasty or otherwise unpleasant to the mind/senses, it must be embraced as readily as something beautiful or tasty or otherwise pleasing. The constant distinguishing between this and that generates unnecessary unease and distress to the body/mind, and it truly is arbitrary - built u...
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perspective
Looking out at the world from the perspective of a body, nearly everything appears as a potential threat. Looking out at the world from the perspective of spirit, nearly everything appears as a potential teacher. ...
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jan19
This life is a passing dream. Suddenly going by so fast. In the end, what will it have been for? The experiences? The lessons? The novelties? The pleasures? The pains? The knowledge? The wisdom? The feelings? The achievements? The losses? The attachments? The surrenders? The loves? The solitude? All or none of the above? Step by step, day by day, inching towards the climax - the great release. Could be years away, could be today. The orgasm, the crescendo, the grand finale. And then...what? Wh...
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freedom
The only true freedom to be found in life is spiritual freedom. The body is always subject to what's perceived by the senses, but the spirit can remain detached. Detachment can give a sense of freedom and contentment regardless of what's being impressed upon the senses. Being more in tune with the realm of God than the realm of man, swimming in that ocean more than standing on land, keeps the spirit/consciousness aloof from the contents of sensory perception. It doesn't matter so much anymore be...
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joining
To join with the will of God/Life is to move with total acceptance of what arises, regardless of personal agendas/preferences. Each moment is the result of a single collective unfolding which includes everything and everyone that ever is, was and will be. The individual will is confined to its apparent capacity to propel action, though this is an illusion since each individual is inseparably shaped and moved by those/that which surround it. The egoic perspective only generates stories in relati...
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path
In truth, there is no going astray. The path is whatever unfolds beneath the feet on this mysterious stroll across the abyss. What comes about can either be rejected or accepted. Either judged or embraced. Either separated into this from that in perception or united into One. Whether now or later, it's all part of the path. The path is the path. The way is the way. Perception is the point at which the way is either obscured or revealed. The fluctuations between obscuration and revelation are ...
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tunnel
It's really sunny out today. Light is pouring in through the window. Today my mind is preoccupied with desire, a specific goal/destination, and I can't help but notice how distant the light and warmth feel compared to when I'm just open and flowing. I almost didn't notice it, and yesterday was seriously one of the grayest and gloomiest days in a while. I guess it's part of the ebb and flow. Sometimes in the tunnel of desire, sometimes laying out in the open air with the sun. Is it possible to h...
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Clearing
by Martha Postlethwaite Do not try to serve the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait there patiently, until the song that is yours alone to sing falls into your open cupped hands and you recognize and greet it. Only then will you know how to give yourself to the world so worthy of rescue. ...
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continuum
All feelings operate on a continuum between an extreme "positive" pole and its extreme "negative" opposite. Eg: (Positive) <-------> (Neutral) <-------> (Negative) Smothering <-------> Loving <-------> Hateful Manic <-------> Happy <-------> Miserable Overwhelmed <-------> Contented <-------> Deprived Dissociated <-------> Peaceful <-------> Enraged Careless <-------> Trusting <-------> Fearful When awareness is resting in...
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forgiveness
Forgiveness is the mechanism by which I release myself from the painful burden of intrinsically false narratives about events that I've (mis)perceived. Every story that I'm recalling that causes suffering is a misperception/misinterpretation of a process far beyond my comprehension and the appearance/subsequent judgments of the event. It is only the false stories that bring emotional pain. To forgive is to let go of a story. To free myself from it. ...
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realms
The realm of separation, that which is seen by the eyes, is that of deception and delusion. The realm of oneness, that which permeates beyond the seen, is that of God. Both occur within the totality of God but the eyes lead astray, while the heart/intuition/unified perception leads home. ...
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silent retreat #2
Just finished a 5 day meditation retreat! Some immediate reflections: The first 2-3 days were pretty grueling as the body adjusted to the sudden influx of early mornings, prostrations and long sits. My leg and core muscles feel noticably thicker and stronger. The last 2 days I barely slept but still felt energized. Talking to others again afterwards felt almost like socializing after taking a stimulant. Overshared with the first person I spoke to who quickly found an excuse to exit the conver...
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joy
Heard something interesting today. Someone said that in his experience, there's no real joy to be found in the world apart from the joy of God. It surprised me and made me wonder, is it true in my experience? Joy...what is it after all? What causes it to arise? Thinking of the times I've felt joyful, it seems to involve a degree of surrender. Of letting go into the experience. What does that mean exactly? Letting go of what? Of worries, hesitations, fears - thoughts, essentially. Limiting and s...
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representations
Each externally pursued desire is really a veiled movement towards something that feels incomplete or insufficient within. A holographic projection of a conceived lack in the self. "I don't have this feeling so I need that thing". It can be addressed in different ways. The desires can be pursued and endlessly shifted from one projection to another. The desires can be pursued until it's found that attaining them hasn't resolved the underlying feelings. The desires can be seen as reflections of w...
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species
The separation of species seems, in some ways, arbitrary. All living beings are born with unique mental makeups, species doesn't seem to mean much in terms of overall personality and inclinations. Being human doesn't necessitate civility and being an animal doesn't necessitate incivility. Being human doesn't necessitate higher intelligence and being an animal doesn't necessitate lower intelligence. There are humans and animals of every kind with greater and lesser degrees of intelligence within ...
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projection
It isn't the thing/person/event itself that generates uncomfortable emotions in the body upon being witnessed or thought of, it's the interpretation and judgment (towards life in whatever form it has appeared) that generates it. The greater the movement away from loving acceptance for any manifestation of the one life/Self, the greater the discomfort generated in the mind/body of the perceiving/interpreting individual expression (me). The greater the rejection, the greater the unease. The discom...
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dec 21
Went to bed early and also overslept. Body feeling a bit rundown, likely from the increase in exercise and walking + getting up earlier. I'm going to load up on calories today and try to rest up in the evening. Another early night's sleep too I think. I want to keep doing what I'm doing but I also want to give the bod sufficient room to recover. Otherwise, a beautiful morning. Processed some heaviness while lying in bed, under a comfortably thick blanket while the sunlight was blinding me from ...
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For a New Beginning
by John O’Donohue In out-of-the-way places of the heart, Where your thoughts never think to wander, This beginning has been quietly forming, Waiting until you were ready to emerge. For a long time it has watched your desire, Feeling the emptiness growing inside you, Noticing how you willed yourself on, Still unable to leave what you had outgrown. It watched you play with the seduction of safety And the gray promises that sameness whispered, Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent, Wondered...
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dec 20
Last night I was feeling some irritation because I could hear the tv in the room across from mine. I often have a little debate in my head in these moments. Part of me wants to correct it by asking that it be lowered and the other wants to practice experiencing and reinterpreting sources of discomfort. That's what I ended up going with for now. I'm basically using anything that triggers emotional reactions as meditation practice. I decided to surrender and relax into the feelings. After about a ...
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dec 19
A beautiful day, truly. The sun is shining on my face right now. I'm typing this with my eyes closed. I feel sleepy but contented. I did my full morning routine. I'm freshly showered. My skin feels soft and clean. I'm very happy in this moment. What is there to say? Thank you sun, for shining on my face. The warmth feels nice. And now the clouds have come and you're hidden once more. So it goes. Ah, and you're back. God that's so nice. ...
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dec 17
Getting back into waking up early, mainly because I've been lying in bed struggling to fall asleep lately. Not sure when it started but I like the feeling of being up early and doing my self care practices. It probably helps that I'm doing it because I want to and not because I have to. I usually dawdle and daydream but once I give in and do them I genuinely enjoy the whole process. Each one feels good and adds to the last. Come to think of it I kind of enjoy the dawdling and daydreaming too.....
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interrupted
Watched Mulholland Drive for the first time the other day. Afterwards I searched up analyses and came across one that went into detail about some aspects of Jungian psychology. One part detailed how if healthy ego development is interrupted or suppressed in childhood, the ego can end up becoming stunted and overidentified with the persona that's created to suit the environment instead. I think that's what happened to me. Instead of growing into my own personhood (my ego), I grew into what was r...
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convey
Had a reminder today of the bright side of words, a side I often overlook in my cynical rants about their capacity to delude. I gave it some thought and it's true - words can also be nourishing and clarifying. It's true that without them we wouldn't be nearly as able to delude and manipulate one another but we'd also be sorely limited in our capacity to share one another's perspectives and clarity. One of the most important factors seems to be the intent and energy behind the words. That's wha...
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listening
Had an interesting shift while listening to someone today. At first while listening I was mostly caught up in thoughts - about my impression of the person, the way they were speaking, the things they were saying, weighing their ideas against mine, comparing and contrasting. I actually found myself feeling irritable because of some of the thoughts that were resulting. Then the thought entered that it didn't matter what was being said or how. Evaluating his words against the words in my head was...
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grieving
When I really get down to the root of it, probably one of the most destructive things I ever did to myself and others was to stop crying freely. Children, and adults at times, seem to cry partly to express pain but also to prompt others to come to their aid. To bring the care, empathy, attention and love that they need in that moment to heal and feel safe again. When that's not working or when crying only invites more pain, naturally the child will stop doing it and will instead seek out ways ...
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substitutes
Yesterday I had the best slice of pizza I've ever had. It cost $7 and I ate it outside where it quickly got cold but damn was it ever tasty for those 20 minutes I was chowing down. Which leads me to today's thoughts... Everything external that's relied on for happiness can only ever be a temporary substitute for that which radiates from within. Life, at least for some, seems to be a gradual and sometimes painful movement of detaching from these external sources one by one until finally coming t...
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shaping
It's interesting to consider how one's life experience shapes them into the person they become, leads them towards the kinds of things they end up being interested in and influences how they perceive life as a whole. Looking back at my life as I have been lately, it's clearer to me how certain things and perspectives came to be. It's easy to look back and say that it was shit and unfair but there's another way to look at it too. That all of it were necessary aspects of some incalculable process ...
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intrinsic
The more I consider it, the more strange it seems that any free human need ever subjugate themselves to any other human being, institution or belief system. Why would this be necessary or wise? Don't we all start off as squishy, pissing, shitting, barfing babies and die basically the same? Aren't we all fallible, imperfect creatures that spawned into a mysterious world which we have to learn about as we go, until eventually leaving it never knowing for sure what it all was? And yet it's baked i...
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surrendering
I wonder sometimes, once one starts the process of disengaging from the false/programmed self and its mechanisms of control and manipulation, whether all the things gained and sustained by it need to be surrendered and returned? It's something that I consider at times I may be going through. I see it in a way as "surrendering my ill-gotten gains". Particularly when it comes to the money/material possessions and the relationships that involved people-pleasing and other fearful/codependent/contro...
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encased
I was looking through a list of famous people that share my personality type the other day and ended up choosing a couple to watch interviews of. It was pretty interesting. Some of them felt off but some resonated. It can be an overall way of perceiving and communicating that stands out but often it's subtle things in the mannerisms, tone or even just the eyes that strike me as uncannily familiar. One of them was a kpop idol. Some things that repeatedly stood out were the comments by those aro...
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complexity
The illusion seems complex, and it is the deeper into the details you go, but it can also be cut off at the root and made simple. A simple way to see it is that there's the real and the illusory (though in truth they're one process). What's real is seeing, what's unreal is what appears to be seen. What's real is hearing, what's unreal is what appears to be heard. What's real is smelling, what's unreal is what appears to be smelled. What's real is tasting, what's unreal is what appears to be ta...
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expectations
If I decide that any specific thing is necessary to make life good or worth living then I'll always be vulnerable to time/change and the fluctuations of uncontrollable forces. The only way to be immune to this is unconditional appreciation for living on its own no matter what I have, what I do or how I feel. All of this needs to be viewed as conditional fluctuating circumstances within the overall context of an intrinsically good and worthy life. From that perspective, expectations are minimal ...
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ways
I often find myself torn in two directions. One basically leads to a Winnie the Pooh-esque way of living in which I'm not bothering with much beyond filling my rumbly tumbly with yummy honey and enjoying whatever little adventures and lessons unfold each day. While the other involves proactively engaging with the world by my own volition and putting in the work to refine and fulfill my potential in it. I really can't seem to decide, though maybe a decision isn't actually as necessary or releven...
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prayer
Prayer has so far played a minimal part in my life. Even after opening spiritually, I've tended to lean towards accepting what unfolds without asking for specific things. The closest I get to prayer is when I'm feeling a lot of gratitude and am compelled to give silent thanks. I was just presented with some eye opening thoughts though, one of them being that prayer is an opportunity to drop the roles we play in the world and just be completely honest, open and genuine without any fear of possi...
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civilizing
It's interesting how being civilized seems to involve blunting or doing away with our self-protective qualities. There's the cutting and filing of our nails for one thing. Some people even have their canine teeth shaved down to be less sharp. Then there's the cutting, shaving or ripping of hair off our bodies, which some cultures believe reduces our sensory and intuitive capacities (similar to a cat and its whiskers). We use lotions to keep our skin soft and soaps to remove natural scents in fav...
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timing
When it comes down to it, insight and understanding are matters of grace more than personal will. I can meditate all I want and it doesn't necessarily mean something will happen. It also doesn't mean that something isn't happening outside of my awareness. I just can't know ahead of time. Things appear and shift in awareness when and as they do, not when I want them to. I don't know what's best. All I can do is stumble forward and experiment, trusting that something inside me has the required in...
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flux
However one's story plays out, whatever the role to play in a given moment or situation, it's best not to take it too seriously. Sometimes the hero, sometimes the villain. Sometimes the strong, sometimes the needy. Sometimes the wise, sometimes the foolish. Sometimes the teacher, sometimes the student. And oftentimes, nobody in particular. Throughout it all, thoughts and feelings arise, words are spoken, interactions happen, and all of it is far bigger than any one individual involved. Constant ...
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bothering
It's pretty rare to talk to someone who genuinely listens but without bothering too much. Most often it's one or the other - uninterested or overinvested. Relaxing to be able to speak freely without either feeling unheard or having situations compounded by advice, worries, anxieties and judgements from another. No implicit impression that something is worthless, wrong or needs to be fixed, just exchanging thoughts and feelings about stuff that's going on. Caring but trusting each other to both t...
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seeds
The seed lies buried until its hard shell splits open, as the plant lying dormant within bursts forth from its husk. The seed has no control or awareness of its nature or purpose. Its destiny is intrinsic and mysterious from without. Anyone seeing it would conclude it must be dead; unmoving and buried so deep in the dark. How could something as small and inconspicuous as a seed carry all the necessary ingredients, intelligence and energy to become an enormous, immortal fruit-bearing tree? Who kn...
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sins
My capacity and willingness to forgive others seems to be very much related to my own fuckups. My own mistakes, my own sins, my own flaws, my own regrets, shame, guilt, fears. It's recognizing, acknowledging and accepting these things in myself that makes the same possible with others. It makes the compassion of shared humanity possible, rather than the judgement and condemnation that comes from repression, denial and ignorance. The more I excavate my own regrets, the easier it is to see that ...
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selfishness/selflessness
Selfishness is a natural result of seeing oneself as the body and therefore being preoccupied with its personal survival, losses and gains. Selflessness is a natural result of seeing oneself as inseparable from everyone/everything and therefore being concerned with the overall picture. ...
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barrier
Thoughts are the barrier obstructing the embodied spiritual experience. Inherent in every thought is separation and from there comes fear, desire, personal agendas, conditioned ideas about self, others and the world (which are mostly made up of false or skewed beliefs gathered from extremely limited experiences and sources). Day after day this constant intermingling of mostly irrelevent noise in the space of awareness is pulling attention and activating emotions. Where among this caucophony ca...
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disconnect
I was listening to a talk about complex trauma that was both unsettling and reassuring in its implications. One of the points that came up was how the development of brain function gets impaired so that essentially a disconnect develops between the right and left hemispheres, aka emotional and logical/factual/detail oriented brain centers. This could explain why someone with complex trauma can be highly developed intellectually but still experience relational issues and childlike emotional overw...
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sadness
I've been applying for new jobs lately to get through the coming winter. It's taking every ounce of energy I have but it's been interesting since each one forces me to reflect on my values, needs and preferences. This is also causing it to take forever to submit each application, but so be it. I've changed a lot since my last interview. I've always been good at them because I just did what I was conditioned to do - say the right things, morph myself into whatever the other person wanted me to b...
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flashbacks
Woke up early this morning laying on my side feeling waves of fear and anxiety. My thoughts were preoccupied with circumstances on the horizon, not knowing how to confront them or even whether I should. After a few minutes of compulsive thinking, I recognized that I was likely having an emotional flashback and that this was another opportunity for healing. I trusted that I wasn't in a state to resolve anything and that what was really needed was basic nervous system regulation, aka self-soothing...
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relationship
Big release this morning, both of insight and emotion. As usual, it followed waking from a dream that led to release from certain painful and inaccurate perceptions I've been carrying. It brought a degree of understanding and forgiveness that was previously inaccessible, hidden behind a wall of fear and pain. One thing that came to light is how important human connection is, and how I've been justifying running from it to avoid further pain and difficulty. This is okay - if it happened then on ...
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ruminating
Two meditation moments of note today. First, this morning. While I was sitting, I was preoccupied with anger, my thoughts mostly centered around the fact that my interactions with someone in my life have always revolved primarily around complaining to me. For most of my life I sympathized and tried to help but after seeing how it continued no matter what changed, I narrowed the cause of it down to the fact that the only thing he does with his free time is watch TV so naturally he's bored and mis...
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actualizing
So much attention on happiness these past couple days, but mostly from an intellectual distance. Happiness has never been much of a priority for me. I've always been more interested in something more like fulfillment or actualization. But are those just red herrings? Projections of beliefs of unworthiness, insufficientness, incompleteness? In some ways, likely yes. But there's also the matter of not being true to myself much of the time, whether out of conditioned fear, desire, aversion, addict...
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hunger
The other day I was watching a video of a cool guy living a cool life - traveling to beautiful places, eating fancy foods, doing exciting things. All apparently as part of a search for happiness that continues to elude him. While I was watching I couldn't help noticing that, when it comes down to it, he really just seemed to be having a lot of different sensory experiences and interactions. Literally going around the world and consuming various sensations. His eyes were processing different col...
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happier
I wonder if I could get away with wandering as I wish through life? Is there any harm in it? Is there any real downside other than the brief discomfort of potential judgement? The more I look into things like happiness, success, fullfillment etc, the more I'm coming to find that it doesn't seem to matter what the external circumstances are. Attaining what I imagine to be an amazing life wouldn't necessarily make life better. As far as I can tell, it all comes down to perspective. One of the bi...
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wandering
Went to my first funeral/celebration of life ceremony in a while. It was for someone, who I guess could be called an acquaintance, that was at end of life with parkinson's for a while. It's amazing how suddenly a person is in the world and then gone. There's a sense of unreality and whiplash to it. An abrupt need to adjust to a new framework in which someone who was once alive is now dead. Disorienting in unexpected moments. This is a man who truly had a full and fascinating life, with the kind...
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cocoon
Beginning a slow ascent from another foray into the underworld. I continue to find myself unable, unwilling, or unprepared to wriggle out of the cocoon I've weaved around myself. Openings have appeared here and there and each time I've approached slowly, much slower than I would have in the past, while absorbing the data coming through. Stepping forward and drawing back to process. And eventually it becomes clear - not this, or not now. And there's a release and return to stasis, to freefloating...
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visual
The visual field is very alluring. First I get drawn into what I see with my eyes, then in my mind with my memories and imaginings. My attention, regardless, always preoccupied with images. Interpreting and parsing apart what I've seen or am seeing in my mind. How much of it is accurate, I wonder? Probably very little. Most likely it's an enormous waste of time and energy. Incorrect interpretations about what I'm seeing, tainted from the core by faulty conditioning and beliefs. Hours, days, ye...
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views
It's interesting that despite how nihilistic my thinking might seem at times, I carry on doing things anyways. On an external level it doesn't seem to matter much what I think; life continues unfolding, including me. What does change seems mainly to be my experience of what unfolds. I can perceive it as empty, miraculous, amusing, pointless, mysterious, tedious, insignificant, transformative or any other number of adjectives. All of it depending on my internal state - what I'm thinking and feeli...
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feeling
Feeling defines experience. It isn't insignificant. It's where life is felt. I know that sounds redundant but I don't know how else to say it. Without feeling, this world is just empty data. It's not worth anything. I can't explain it because it isn't logical but that's how it is. Feeling makes life worth living. It makes it visceral and real. All those things that can end up getting explained away - desire, emotion, conflict, chaos, fear, longing. Maybe the point isn't to transcend and be unto...
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choose
True learning is really unlearning, whether through gradual investigation or sudden insight. Conditioned beliefs and ideas clouding reality are seen through and let go of as truth reveals itself behind them, self-evident, ever-present and immutable. Conventional learning is the accumulation of data for the purposes of engaging in superficial affairs and passtimes - the games and rituals of man. They're built upon inherently flawed and insecure foundational premises, ideals and assumptions, and ...
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perspectives
Every bit of information we can and could possibly access is composed of perspectives drawn within certain frameworks of context, including what we call facts. It all relies on subjective reference points and definitions. When we look something up, all we're collecting are details created about a phenomenon that could never be sufficiently encompassed or defined. In one context for example, we call something a human. In another, we call it a bipedal mammal. In another, an organism. In another, ...
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shoulds
Whatever any individual, group, religion or even greater society dictate and promote in terms of what/how a person "should" or "shouldn't" be must remain psychologically contained as the opinions/beliefs of those people/groups to avoid falling into the unnecessary conflict of condemnation or inflation (both self and other directed). However someone or something is, that's how they are. Regardless of the opinions of various individuals or groups, that is how nature/the universe/life created and ...
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true mind
Beneath the whirling of (mostly stupid) circular thoughts and feelings, there's another aspect of mind with a totally different quality. Thoughts and feelings from this place don't wheel about repetitively and compulsively but blossom outward from the depths like an opening flower. Its expressions are spontaneous, focused and original, blooming forth and then dissolving. With sufficient room, it's able to emerge and spread beyond the confines of habituated programming, personality, minutia and...
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whirling
Whenever I'm paying attention to my thoughts, it doesn't take long to realize how dumb most of them are. Day in and day out, stupid pointless thoughts circling round and round. All of it consisting of what essentially amounts to speculation and conjecture experienced as truth. Ideas about things that appear to have happened, be happening or could happen made up of interpretations, projected meaning and judgements. And along the way, feelings being stirred in the body depending on what thought...
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dependency
Little by little I've been reducing all of my old coping mechanisms, distractions and numbing agents. It's taking so much presence of mind (and sometimes just the luck of a grounding thought floating by) not to get caught up in the projections created by the emotions I'm opening myself to. And I have been getting caught up in them. It's a big experiment really. I know how I'm supposedly meant to be living according to general consensus but it just doesn't seem right to me. Being dependent on s...
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story
I heard a perspective the other day that I found really compelling. Basically that this obsession we have with defining and theorizing about the universe based on its composition is essentially meaningless, bottomless and missing the point. That underneath all that, the "coding" of life plays out less like science and more like story. Lines of text in the form of characters and events all moving from and towards something. It sounds obvious but I found it to be a fascinating shift in perspectiv...
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cleansed
Had an exchange with a friend recently that set off an upsurge of uncomfortable emotions. Irritation, anxiety, frustration, defensiveness. My body was tense and uncomfortable and my thoughts were mostly circling around it. I felt strung out and drained. I knew that something deeper must've been triggered so I did my best to let the thoughts go and focus on the feelings in the body. It wasn't easy, I felt cut off from them somehow. In other situations recently it's been pretty visceral, like fee...
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anxiety
There's wisdom waiting to be released from the processing of every emotion. Once I've gone through it, accute anxiety especially tends to lead to realizing that I messed up somewhere. Usually in relation to boundaries or values, or even just my interpretation of a situation. A wrong turn was made and a course adjustment is needed, either as soon as possible or just moving forward with a permanent adjustment to a certain behavior or pattern. There are even benefits to feeling more intensely. Sin...
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releasing
I'm increasingly getting the sense that in order to continue healing and growing (whatever those words mean in an overall psycho-spiritual sense), I can't hold onto anything. Anything that's been said, done, thought, felt, believed, explored, experienced, absorbed, received, lost, even cherished. Like leaves on a tree, it all needs to be continuously let go of to make room for the growth of the new. Anything that's held onto seems to rot in time, eventually festering and stunting growth. What wa...
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disillusionment
Tonight's theme is disillusionment. It's hitting me how much and for how long I've been led astray by others. People I trusted more than myself, more than my own instincts and intuition, which have turned out to be incredibly reliable compared to the people I've put my trust in. It started from so early on. Being misled by family, whether intentionally or as a result of their insecurities, fears, agendas, delusions, opinions and beliefs. From the beginning I could see the truths they were denyi...
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trauma
Working through trauma seems, in essence, pretty simple. Accept that it happened, feel the feelings and let them and any outdated narratives go. It just requires a lot of attention, and I guess a certain amount of knowledge and awareness. Or maybe just to be in connection with the innate wisdom of the body and intuition, which most of us seem separated from to varying degrees. That chronic dissociation from having attention perpetually focused on thoughts and distractions. There's so much going ...
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seeking
The buddhas, christs and other prophets and masters throughout the ages had profound inner encounters which they then began to project outward, most visibly in the form of their words and actions. Consequently the rest of us become captivated and preoccupied with these words and actions of theirs rather than looking inward as they themselves did. This is one of the great ironies of organized religion and spiritual seeking in general. Rather than doing as the masters did, the rest of us seek out...
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guessing
Nobody knows what they're doing or what's going on. Not really, not ultimately. Life is a grand game of "your guess is as good as mine". We're all free to live it how we want with what's available to us, and nothing is guaranteed. I can explore and play or work and toil or sit back and chill or some combination of each and they'll all carry me in different directions. Yeah there are things that need to be done to continue living but when you really get down to it that amounts to fairly little - ...
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slugday
I've decided to start incorporating one intentional slugday per week. On slugday I will sleep in and do as little or as much of my self-care/growth routines as I feel like. I will also eat high quality cake and/or cookie and generally goof off without working towards anything. Since these seem to be things that are always lurking in wait for moments of weakness, incorporating them intentionally will hopefully allow for more balance over time. It does make me feel happy and rested in a way aside...
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integration
One aspect of this process, whatever it is, is the gradual bringing into consciousness and reconciling of various aspects of myself and my life. Even though intellectually I can accept these disparate parts, experientially (and socially) it can be disorienting. How to balance the sides of me that are unfailingly optimistic and holistic with the sides that are relentlessly cynical and deconstructive? How to reconcile the parts that are constantly preoccupied with the existential and universal, ...
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goblin
Having a lazy day. Been feeling pretty low the past couple days. I anticipated this but it can still be rough to go through. I was so uncomfortable last night. I couldn't tell if it was the heat or my frustration. I was cursing both. I'm still full of anger it seems, which means unresolved pain. I keep thinking it's gone and then it comes back up seemingly out of nowhere. I guess after so many years in an angry house it makes sense that it could take time to clear out. I don't know what to do b...
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knowing
The movement from external knowledge to internal knowing. From external seeking to internal meeting... Knowledge taken in from "out there" always comes in the form of thoughts to be added to the mental database as ideas. It doesn't have experiential reality. It's composed of words that are carried and projected onto phenomena. Experiential reality is visceral, immediate and ultimately indefinable. This is all that can truly be known. And it may be all that's needed. The world is transformed fr...
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longing
Another morning of emotional purging. This time feelings of longing and loneliness. I rarely acknowledge these kinds of feelings in myself anymore. Spent a good chunk of my youth drowning in them though. They're so human, and I've become so self sufficient. I've learned to comfort and be there for myself, but one thing I can't quite give myself the way others could are simple acts of physical affection. I mean, I can hug myself but it's not really the same. There seems to be something in the...
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fear
Woke up around 3am last night feeling a lot of fear, mind racing with various doom-y thoughts. I got lost in them for a few minutes before lying back down and deciding to just stay with the feeling and trusting that it would work its way through and the thoughts would change. I lay there for a while and must've fallen asleep. Woke up later feeling fine. Every situation that brings up feelings like fear, anger and grief are really opportunities to finally feel and release repressed emotions from...
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grounding
Feeling pretty ungrounded since yesterday. Have made a lot of changes since my lazy sourdough days just a week ago. I feel great overall compared to then, surprisingly so, but I also feel a bit over-energized and uncentered. I think it's from the attention I've been giving to emotional processing and surrender. All this stuck energy is being released without sufficient outlets to be directed into. Not to mention the discomfort of facing all these thoughts and memories I've been avoiding and supp...
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routines
Been getting back into self-care and growth routines lately. The prospect tends to feel arduous when I slip into slugmode but I feel so much better when I do. Body feels limber, mood noticably lifts, lethargy disappears and energy returns. I still dawdle and take way too long to get through it but hopefully with time that reduces. Eventually I want to start waking up at sunrise so I can move through at a relaxed pace before starting the day. Luckily the evening routine is quick but it can feel h...
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conflict
Getting more opportunities lately to work on my relationship with anger. I've made some good progress I think. One thing I was able to notice from some incidents recently was that I wasn't afraid or averse to it like in the past. I've become a lot more open to conflict and uncomfortable feelings in general and see them as overall useful if nothing venomous is being said or done. Still made steps to detach from people who stirred things up continuously and unproductively but I didn't automaticall...
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clinging
It seems like the more we have to lose, the more likely we are to do whatever it takes to prevent losing what we have. That fear of being without. What is it really? Fear of death? Fear that I won't survive without these things and people? Or is it more subtle than that - fear of the death of identity? I won't know who I am, I'll be nothing without these things? Really it's more like the more attached I am to what I have and the less I trust in myself and in life, the more likely I am to comp...
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backwards
I haven't fully wrapped my head around this yet but I find myself regularly returning to the experience of everything in this world being backwards or reversed somehow. However something appears, that's to conceal how it really is. Whatever someone says, that's to conceal how they really feel. Whatever someone or something does, that's to conceal how they really are. Whatever the senses encounter is essentially deceptive. Whether in the form of appearances, sounds, words or sensations. But the ...
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nirvana
I've been working through a nice loaf of sourdough. Thick and dense but lightly fluffy. Very filling, making me feel lazy. I'm going to go off bread for a while after this and see if it helps with the sluggyness. As nice as it is to eat and doze in this heat, I have things to do. I was thinking about nirvana today while toasting some slices. I wonder if nirvana was originally meant to convey a permanently abiding state or one that you just go in and out of? I felt something like it a few times ...
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spirituality
Many disparate thoughts today. Thankful to have this outlet to offload them from my headspace. First off, I expect the quality of what I write here is going to...change. I seem to have entered a new season. I feel differently about some things, including my foray into spirituality over the past few years. I didn't consciously realize it but in some ways I've been trying to force myself into certain ways of thinking and being. It was just a new version of what I've always done - morphing myself ...
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fighting
I wonder how much of my analyzing and attempts to change is me fighting my nature? 🤔 I wonder how life would be if I accepted myself and got out of the way? 🤔 ...
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self
I was considering what the purpose of this blog is. There are several but I'd say two of the main ones are to get things out of my system and to actively work through my internal processes and delusions. In a way, everything I write here is the working through of delusion. This got me thinking about this whole process of self-reflection. Proactively thinking about past experiences, thoughts and feelings and essentially trying to create a cohesive self-narrative out of it. Trying to find out "wh...
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chill
Coming down (or up?) from yesterday's thoughts brought an interesting vibe. It reminded me of the days after staying up drinking and partying in a past life that left me too hungover to feel self-conscious or concerned about anything. I look back fondly on those days despite the pounding headaches that pervaded them. It felt liberating not to care. I guess the only thing to do is continue exploring. I'm still interested in being more conscious and less at the mercy of old patterns and beliefs. ...
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better
Many thoughts this morning. Where to start... I've been reflecting back on what used to give me a sense of value and purpose. It had a lot to do with other people. Much of my energy went towards being a positive presence to those around me. I tended to see the best in others and would encourage it whenever I could, using my own energy and outlooks to nurture what stood out to me as unique or beautiful while dispelling doubts and fears. It was like a hidden unconscious motive I had towards every...
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response
I've been practicing choosing my emotional responses lately. So the typical uncomfortable ones will come up once they've been activated - anger, frustration, sadness, etc - and I'll notice them, then aim to finish feeling whatever's there and swap it to another. It's been interesting. I don't want to suppress or deny the emotions that come up and tell myself that I'm happy happy happy la la la so it can get pushed down and out in the form of hemmerhoids etc, so I've been careful to acknowledge ...
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recovery
Feeling a lot of discomfort this morning. Physically too, eyes feel heavy (mom's spaghetti). Guessing it's either carryover from yesterday or the poopoo tea. Feeling lonely and frustrated. Weighed down and slowed down by these old stuck emotions. Time keeps tick tick ticking and I've been making little progress each day lately, if any. I'm back in my room at least. It's smaller but cosier now. I fixed it up nicely. No more empty cabinets taking up precious space. I like that I can fit most of m...
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wor(l)d
Woke up this morning and lay in bed for a while with my eyes closed, immersed in my thoughts. Thoughts that made me feel like I was swimming in uneasiness. Then I heard the birds tweeting and opened my eyes to see the blue sky outside my window. The thoughts went away for a moment as I listened and looked, and I noticed. My perception of the world and everything "in it" (including myself) is the result of repetitive habituated thought patterns. It's an illusion. I'm not seeing or thinking about...
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chat
2:01pm Hello Mr Andrews. How may I assist you today? 2:02pm Tell me about plato's cave 2:02pm Plato believed that all reality is based on three things; truth, goodness and beauty. Everything else is false or evil. 2:02pm Go on 2:02pm Everything he saw was only a fragment of a greater whole. We live in a world where we cannot see the true nature of things because we are too blinded by our own selfishness. 2:02pm Tell me more 2:02pm In order to find the true nature of things we must first un...
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free
Another set of potential paths has dissolved before me. A potential life path, a potential spiritual path, a potential group of teachers, peers and friends, a potential better way to be in relationships, a potential better way to be in general. All of it was there before me and has now returned to the void from whence it came. The wheel turns once more, leaving me here again like none of it happened. Looking back on it all like a silly dream.  And suddenly, I feel happy. I feel free. It's been ...
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apparition
Me — Yesterday at 8:49 PM Interesting thoughts. I wonder, when it comes to ego, whether or not it's just a phantom. A kind of phenomenological apparition. With regards to "self control" for example, when one is "in control" what does that mean exactly? That things are occuring in a way that's agreeable or beneficial to the individual? And being out of control is when they're not? Or is it when our ideas about ourselves aren't aligning with what's happening? When we would prefer they were differe...
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blind
In this world, we are all blind following the blind. Even the most confident-seeming person can't be trusted to know all the answers, especially not for us. After all, we can't really know what's going on within another or how they're perceiving our situation. So far I've found that, with enough time and exposure, everyone turns out to be a fallible, frightened and foolish human being at some time or other and in some situation or other. Sense of certainty comes and goes, waxes and wanes, ebbs...
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sharpening
The number of people who really think for themselves seems to be pretty low. Or, maybe more likely, the people who do think for themselves rarely seem to speak their thoughts out loud (probably because while others are talking, they're listening and thinking). The vast majority of what we engage with is information absorbed from various forms of media. Facts, figures, opinions and conclusions taken at face value, just as they're presented. There's very little originality or synthesized expressio...
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lotus
Being like the lotus, surrounded on all sides by the mud yet untouched by it. Growing out of it - because of it - in order to transcend it... Everything is vying for our attention, our company, our time, our engagement, our energy, our agreement, our allegience, our obedience, our mind, our very life. It's all essentially trying to swallow us up. And in order to retain integrity, all of this needs to be ignored in favor of what's arising within. Freedom needs to be given to oneself (as to other...
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opinions
I've been drawn into some conversations lately that revealed some of my own biases and ignorance to me. It's funny how it suddenly becomes clear how incomplete or imbalanced my perception of something is once I speak about it, which I guess is part of why open conversation can be an important factor of growth. It can be frustrating though because once it's out others will naturally assume that what I expressed was a view that I'll continue to carry, particularly if I expressed it with conviction...
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happiness
Do what you want to do, but don't expect it to make you happy. Happiness or unhappiness is always here and now. Either the result of an unconscious story or a conscious choice. ...
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be
If you cease to identify as "the self" (aka the psychological/emotional self concept), nothing others say can inflate or diminish you. There will be nothing to inflate or diminish, as it is truly only ever an idea being impacted. This idea creates "self-esteem". If you are simply as you are, a flowing part of the whole, what is there to think or feel about yourself? You are as you are, as everyone is as they are, as everything is as it is. Don't think about yourself as an individual. It's an ...
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voluntary
Note to self: as long as you have the freedom to move and choose, it isn't worth doing anything that makes you miserable. If what you're doing is truly worth it you'll be able to endure hardships and challenges without becoming unhappy in them for long. But if you're trudging through with no light at the end and you truly can't adjust your outlook to enjoy yourself, drop it and do something else. Don't worry about what others might think or say. Don't worry about some hypothetical future. Don'...
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unscripted
As long as we act primarily according to our thoughts, we carry out a scripted life. One that was written for us by media, film and television. The things we do, the things we say, the way we speak, the way we dress, the references we make, the things we want, the things we fear, the things we trust, the things we celebrate, the ideals we act out, the fates we avoid. All of it has been absorbed and impressed into our minds through images on the screen. Literally scripted out and programmed in (t...
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unwise
I'm glad I started sharing these thoughts. When I'm keeping everything to myself it's easy to get into a headspace where I start thinking I'm smarter than I am. Often once they're out there I'm able to more clearly see my limitiations. I do the same thing most people seem to - piecing together mishmashes of experiences, knowledge and insights and thinking I've got more figured out than I really do. The tricky thing is that I tend to occupy myself with higher knowledge, which puts me at a greater...
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intuition
Intuition is a funny and marvelous thing. 3 days ago, I followed my train of thoughts and came to a perfectly logical decision that threw me into disarray the moment I put it into the world. It's so disorienting when this happens; suddenly this pit of negative thoughts and feelings consumes me and I essentially spiral out while working towards the root of it. Often, as it did this time, the answers don't come from my attempts to solve the discrepency but instead arise spontaneously. As has happ...
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acceptance
"Such is life. Whatever is happening beyond my control, let it be. I live my life to the very fullest. That's all I can do. And that's enough." Enjoyed these words from a wise old friend (sort of). They were talking about things in the world that can often seem distressing but spoke of them with neither resistance nor resignation. Just simple observations of the facts, along with the benefits and downsides from their perspective. Recognizing that we're all choosing to participate in certain sys...
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humans
Humans are the scientist explorers of this world. Without us the planet would undoubtedly be more harmonious, but that harmony would go unnoticed and unappreciated. Only humans are able to step back and admire it all from a distance. The other components simply act out their instincts, contributing to the flow without conscious awareness of it. Humans are capable of both. A unique privilege. ...
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encountering what comes
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sharing
Growing up, I was mostly indifferent to the things those around me seemed to care about. It was all fine, okay, sure. I enjoyed and still do enjoy seeing and sharing in other peoples' passions but my own focus has rarely been on the things themselves. I've always been more interested in the existence and experience of things as a whole. What are we? Why are we the way we are? What is this place? What's going on? And when you get into those dimensions there's much less differentiation between the...
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problems
Every problem I've faced in life has been a direct result of my own perception. Of how I interpreted and responded to what arose. Of my choice to see and treat those particular circumstances as problems. It may not have been a conscious choice but each time it was a choice. ...
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dualistic
You'd think that coming into contact with non-dual awareness would mean a permanent nullification of all dualistic delusion. To hencefore and forevermore be a softly smiling, laid back dude saying things like "all is one" and "no self, no other". But I continue to find myself, as I always have, thinking and speaking on whatever level I'm presented or occupied with. When I speak in a dualistic way, whether it's about observations or problems or anxieties or judgements, I do so genuinely. Nonethe...
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betrayal
Watched a video on the process of recovering from betrayal. Apparently I went through all the appropriate stages over the past few years and was surprised to find that I seem to be on the last one - the point at which you're ready to re-enter the world in a more authentic/healed way, although I would say I'm still excavating and working at that. I still lean back quite a lot and interacting can be clumsy. I've mostly been working through it on my own though so I guess it'll take time. Looking b...
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suffering
Feeling grateful towards my family and circumstances. The intensity of suffering they brought drove me towards freedom. I'm still being pushed by it spilling over into me, it continues to fuel growth while staving off complacency. I wonder if I can move into it with less self-pity and blame and more awareness and compassion? ...
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inward
Nothing in the external world is what it appears to be. It's more like we're fed ideas about things and then project and pursue those ideas, usually expecting them to bring fulfillment of some kind or other. But the nature of the external thing itself, whatever it is, is essentially empty, transient and inherently deceptive/illusory on the sensory and cognitive levels. It can therefore never meet our expectations or satisfy for long before we turn our attention to the next, which is essentially ...
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belief
Beliefs are composed of word/image based thoughts. Thoughts which are taken in and then adapted, identified with, held onto and recalled at certain trigger points. When we're operating free of these thoughts, life is occuring as it always is. When a belief enters our awareness, it's as if a tube has been placed around our eyes with a lens on the end which filters all we see into a specific spectrum. We narrow our focus and say "this is how it is", and as long as these lenses/thoughts are active...
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darkness
I read something once along the lines of "darkness can't be fought because it's unreal. What appears as darkness is only the absence of light. To clear out the darkness one need only increase the light." Translated roughly to a psychological level, what's being said is that the "darkness" inside of us - things like hatred, anger, fear, worry, anxiety, stress, problems, insecurities, etc - can't be defeated directly because they aren't really substantial things on their own. They only appear ou...
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addictions
I was reflecting on what I wrote before about the trap of knowledge and how the pursuit of it can so easily inflate and distract rather than actually be of use. I still think this is often the case but last night I also experienced how gaining a more thorough intellectual grasp of something can be useful in transcending it. It was centered around an addictive habit of mine, which I wasn't really seeing as such until I opted to read up on it rather than indulging. Once I did, the broader ramific...
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attention
If we're feeling a strong need for attention from others, it's usually a sign that we're not giving enough to ourselves. Since so many of us feel incapable of turning inwards and providing it for ourselves, since we don't feel that we could possibly be enough, we instead extract it from others by indirectly or directly attempting to draw it towards us whenever anxiety arises. This is common because many of us weren't taught to give loving attention through receiving enough of it as children, and...
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imbibing
When we engage with people, even digitally or through media and creations, we immerse each other in the contents and atmospheres of one another's being. Whoever we interact with will impact our own and vice versa, especially those we connect deeply or spend a lot of time with. The thoughts, feelings and content that each absorbs are imbibed and influenced by those of the other in each shared moment. This happens environmentally with seemingly inanimate objects and insentient forces too. Whether...
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feeling
As I type this, it's early morning and there's loud drilling going on just outside my door. It woke me up and I started journaling, and by the time I finished I was feeling happy and light-hearted. I noticed the drilling and smiled at it - it wasn't/isn't bothering me at all. It might as well be birdsong. We go about life as if the world is causing our feelings but far more often the opposite is the case - our feelings create our experience of the world. Of the two, the way we feel is primary a...
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delusion
Whenever we speak or think discursively, we're essentially participating in a form of delusion. In speaking and thinking we're necessarily engaging with conceptual frameworks which cut life up into separate relative/associative definitions, whatever ones we happen to know and communicate with. This has its uses but cannot be indicative of reality in any objective sense; there are simply too many dimensions operating at once to be contained in such a linear method of communication. There are no o...
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bigger
Whatever we say and do has nothing to do with us alone. It's part of the movement of the whole, and precisely what needs to be said and done in relation to that movement. Or, put another way, the only things that could be said and done. Make peace with what comes through you. Let go of ideas of how you should be. You are part of something much bigger. ...
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experiment
An experiment: throughout the day, observe your physiological state when you catch yourself thinking about external things. Then note whether that changes once you become aware and begin observing yourself. I've been noticing that whenever my attention is on thoughts of external things, my body is in varying degrees of tension. Facial muscles tight, posture curled in, heart beating faster, breathing is shallow, pace quicker, temper shorter. Now imagine this spread out over a lifetime, being the...
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programming
We're each perpetually bearing witness to a series of internalized narratives playing out and believing them to represent reality. What appears to be a monologue or dialogue in our heads is actually a set of programmed interpretations and beliefs interacting while we emotionally react to them. These voices aren't composed of "us" and "the thoughts", it's just thoughts and more thoughts pinging off each other, essentially hypnotizing and bamboozling us into believing the stories that are being ge...
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rebirth
Some of the most transformative times of my life came as a result of being at my absolute lowest. Each time a wreck, hardly alive as the person I once was. I now see these low points as intrinsic to the life of a growing human. Consequences of continuous exploration, experimentation, challenge and openness. Necessary deaths and rebirths on the path to integrity and alignment. Each of these times, I died as I was and came out into a deeper and more true level of being. Each time the pain became...
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shedding
Death is only a shedding of skin. ...
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love
Reflecting on how my understanding of love has changed over the years. I used to associate it with certain feelings - the warm fuzzies, the desire to spend time, to know, to share, etc. All that nice stuff. Now I see love more like living space. It has to do with the opening of the heart - of my heart. It doesn't matter how I'm feeling towards someone, if I've brought them into that space then they're there and I'm there in it with them. Either of us can be deep in feelings of anger or even hat...
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inflation
So much of human interaction is us directly or indirectly trying to impress each other. With our looks, our possessions, our wit, our strength, our brutality, our achievements, our ambitions. Or with our indifference, our asceticism, our scorn, our frailty, our empathy, our losses, our sufferings. Whatever it is, the underlying cries are the same: notice me, affirm me, validate me! How refreshing it is to encounter someone who doesn't need this, who isn't using interactions to inflate themselv...
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convention
It seems like many things have piled up in my mind over the past 2 years. The lockdowns and other complications seemed to justify delaying and holding off on addressing some things that I now wish I had sooner. They still loop in my head some days, filling my body with pent-up anxiety and frustration. Many of these came about as I noticed more and more how much I've been living as a slave to convention and expectations. Doing things I didn't want to do, talking about things I didn't care about,...
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lucid
Woke up from a lucid dream, a long and clear one. First I was in a school, then at someone's house and then walking around outside. I was wandering from scene to scene experimenting with interactions and conversations, at one point playing with a cute monkey that started to morph into a creature whose head opened up into a bunch of teeth (at which point I said nope and tossed it away). Often when I reach a certain level of lucidity and active control I either smoothly transition back into norma...
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pain
I was listening to music that had me reflecting on the pain of my parents. So much of it was poured into me. I started hiding my emotions from an early age but they would overtake me when I was alone, and still do regularly. Waves of deep pain, grief, helplessness, remorse. I don't know if they feel it too, or if they continue to suppress and act it out instead, but it's still in me. Maybe it always will be. In these moments I feel an urge to go to them, to give all of myself to alleviating th...
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humility
Thoughts wandering back to humility today, and how deceptive the energy of self righteousness and aggrandizement really is. Delusional states rooted in fear and shame, and all of it based in ideas. Concepts of entitlement and superiority, nonsense passed down across generations. Humility comes from knowing that one is simply as one is, and that all notions of better or worse are circumstantial and conditional. When we can look around and see that everything is ultimately equal, that we're not m...
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screens
Reflecting on my relationship with technology. It started with the TV and games, then moved to PC and then to the phone. I think for me these things ended up serving mainly as emotional escapes/substitutes. The screens pulled me out of my reality and into virtual ones where I was able to escape my immediate circumstances (and my feelings) for a time and enter other worlds. Worlds where mistakes had no real consequences and where I could feel capable, omniscient and safe. The main issues now ar...
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hooks
Spent some time the other day learning about the effects of online porn on the budding human psyche. It's unsettling to realize how it actually impacted a whole generation growing up with it. How it could've neutered our baseline satisfaction and happiness levels, contributed to depression and anxiety and the treatments and medicating that came about in response, impacted our desires and preferences, our capacity to enjoy relationships, our ideas about sex and love, our social lives, our percept...
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calculating
So much of our thinking stems from a lack of trust and confidence in ourselves to perform adequately in the moment. Even as it unfolds we've already moved onto the next in our minds, calculating how upcoming situations could play out, rehearsing what we're going to say and do. If we're paying attention, we might eventually come to notice that the vast majority of situations don't play out the way we expect them to. There seems to be a certain small amount of preplanning that can be useful but t...
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games
Life can be looked at as a game of games, with one of our main tasks being to find those which we might actually enjoy playing. So much of our feelings towards ourselves and life can rest on what games we decide to play. Pick the right ones and we'll feel that we and life are wonderful. Pick the wrong ones and we'll feel that we and life are shit. Whatever we conclude only has relative meaning but will impact us nonetheless. It's all formed in the interplay, the space in which the ball is passe...
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revealing
I was reminded yesterday that most of the time, it's not so much what you say but how you say it that's of real significance. I don't mean that in terms of achieving something or impressing others, but rather with regards to the fundamental emptiness of words. Our words are vehicles, and part of what they carry and convey are the underlying feelings and intentions of the speaker. Is this person comfortable? Fearful? Playful? Insecure? Confident? Sincere? Depressed? Victimizing? Proselytizing? C...
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validation
As long as we rely on the validation of others to determine our value and direction, we remain emotional prisoners to them. It can become incredibly easy to be yanked around depending on the feedback we're receiving from the people around us. By the time we reach adulthood, how many of us have steadily eroded ourselves away to become more and more the way others want us to be? To meet expectations regardless of how we personally feel about our occupation, lifestyle, appearance, mannerisms and s...
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disturbance
Note to self: the moment you notice emotional disturbance while alone, disengage from thinking and go into the feeling. Keep attention on the flow of feeling until it runs its course and dissolves back into equanimity. ...
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negativity
Had an interesting moment a couple minutes ago. I was watching a video of someone talking about things that I'm interested in but doing a way better job of presenting it (or at least that's the thought that crossed my mind in that moment) and a follow-up thought passed by that was essentially putting me down. Something like "man, I suck." And in that moment I saw myself sitting there and I saw the thought, and I decided not to believe it. I let it float by with only a slight ripple of negative...
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response to "tumult"
Got my first Guestbook note yesterday! Thank you cool stranger. It came with a question so I'll post it here along with my reply: "Fucking awesome your latest post called Tumult mate. Really helpful insight about the past and how it affects the present. Would you agree on the statement that our ability to remember past events is a tool to learn and not repeat the same mistakes? But the trade off is that is we have to carry the weight of our actions. Being preoccupied, and cringe from our past ...
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persona
We tend to assume that people are who they appear to be. That their social identity and the things they say tell us what they really think and feel. It's entirely possible though (and actually the norm) to interact through personas which serve certain functions without reflecting our personal values and inner states. To subjugate aspects of ourselves to get our needs met and to meet the needs of others and the demands of circumstance. Most of us lack the self awareness to clearly differentiate ...
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tumult
Attaching to the fluctuations of thought and feeling creates the persistent tumultuousness we experience throughout our lives. Something happens that produces thoughts/a story which makes us feel certain emotions when the thoughts cross our mind later. In that moment, we're continuing to act in the present while being mentally preoccupied and emotionally influenced by a narrative that our mind has concocted and projected across our consciousness (which is based entirely on past interpretations...
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ephemeral
All worries, concerns, fears, frustrations, embarrassments, disappointments, apprehensions, etc, only last as long as we're dwelling on thoughts that produce these feelings, whether in memory or imagination. As soon as the thoughts have passed or our attention is shifted, we either return to neutrality or, more likely, move onto other thoughts with their accompanying feeling states. It all depends on our current thoughts and state of attention. ...
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frequency
Unless we can remain very meditative/present/alert, our minds/bodies tend to come into resonance with the mental/emotional state of the surrounding environment and content we absorb. If we're in low frequency environments absorbing negative stimuli then our thoughts, feelings, perception and behaviour will come to reflect that. If we're in higher frequency environments absorbing elevating stimuli then our thoughts, feelings, perception and behaviour will come to reflect that. ...
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equal
Whenever we believe we need something from another to be okay - approval, acceptance, attention, love, whatever it is - we give our power and peace away to them. We unconsciously subjugate ourselves before a fellow human being and hand them the keys to our psychological, emotional and sometimes physical wellbeing. Beneath surface differences, we are all equal - all human. No other person is above or beneath us. Once we've grown out of childhood and become independently capable, we do not need t...
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detachment
I was reminded today of the power of detachment. Letting things which are not in my control be as they are and focusing solely on myself, my life and my response. It's so simple but so easy to forget. Letting situations be as they are, letting others be as they are and letting myself be as I am while focusing on taking care of myself and doing what I want and need to do. That's detachment. Keeping my focus on me. It's so nourishing, I felt it immediately upon hearing it. It was like a reminder...
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anger
One thing about the repetitive groundhog's day nature of the past 2 years is that it's given me clear memories of different moods I've had in this room. There have been mornings I've woken up feeling clear, blissful and alive, full of gratitude and happiness just to see the rays of sunlight shining through the blinds. I'd wake up, smile, jump out of bed and start dancing to something before happily going about my day. Lately though, I've been feeling pretty anxious and joyless. A lot of anger co...
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healed
Living organisms are perpetually pulled towards an optimal state of internal balance. This is what we call healing or recovery - the process of returning to an optimal state of functioning after incurring an injury. Human beings, living in environments which are persistently causing psychological, emotional and physical harm, are forced into a perpetual state of recovery. This is the reason for the constant unease and pulls we feel towards certain things (such as this very subject and activity)...
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trust
Is everyone in a near perpetual state of agitation? Is it just part of the human sickness? Why is it so rare to feel at ease? There always seem to be things left undone, things that didn't go right, that need to be corrected, meddled with, thought about, talked about, worried about. And yet, when I reflect back on my time, what's really changed throughout all this agitation? Aside from the persistent fluctuation of thought and feeling, not much. There has to be a more efficient way to operate...
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conflict
Note to self: it's better to be engaging in frequent conflicts than it is to avoid them and have unsaid conversations looping in your head forevermore. Conflict is not bad. It is an opportunity for repair, understanding, expression and connection. The stress you feel is a learned response. It can be reprogrammed through new experiences. Clarify things in the moment. Don't put it off. ...
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conditions
I was thinking about how I used to be when it came to work. I would get so stressed out over minor mistakes and issues and was generally very subservient. It just felt normal. Now that I've been "self-employed" for a while, it's hard to imagine going back to that. Having to be accountable to so many people, constantly navigating power structures and abrasive personalities. On the other hand, I was gaining skills through the jobs and enjoying much more reliable incomes. These days I'm free from...
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concepts
Seeing the things I write here can be funny. I could see how it could occasionally give the impression that I've got some things figured out but usually these things are on my mind because I'm still working through them. One of the reasons I write is to clarify and put my own thoughts to rest, and to understand my own stupidity when it arises. It's a weird line to walk at times. I have trust in my capacities but am also very aware of my inadequacies and fallibility. Whatever I say is more like ...
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nature
I was presented with a compelling question the other day. If all sentient beings are so deeply conditioned that everything we say to ourselves and one another only re-enforces our delusions, who can we rely on to show us the way? The answer presented seemed initially unhelpful. No sentient beings could be relied on. Since everything we say is directly referencing our conditioning, all of it separates us from reality as it is while pulling us deeper into the mud of interpretations, belief syste...
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integrity
Knowledge...so compelling, but so often it only serves to pull me away from my life and my own innate responses. Whatever might arise in me is immediately crowded out by all the words of others constantly processing across my unconscious, making me janky and jittery, removing me from the flow of what's in front of me. It creates the illusion of intelligence but really I become more and more functionally stupid, awkward, clunky and off center. It's lead to delusion, and worst of all, a lack of tr...
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rejuvenation
Being present is intrinsically nourishing. Disengaging from the near-constant mental and physical straining that we do and relaxing into what is. Coming into alignment with it, letting natural processes take over. Body at rest, mind at rest. It rejuvenates. ...
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memory
Meditating really makes it clear how everything the senses encounter can get filed away indefinitely, along with whatever feelings they stirred. Try to sit in silence and you'll be assaulted on all sides with old memory files - nostalgic ones, anxious ones, happy ones, horny ones, scary ones, sad ones. On and on it goes in an endless stream while you're just trying to sit and breathe for a couple minutes. Maybe that's one of the reasons the wise suggested guarding the senses. Being mindful of t...
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retreat notes
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prison
There are people who believe the earth to be a kind of prison planet where humans are harvested for energy. I can see why sometimes. A few minutes ago I had my alarm go off and then again just now, each time forcing my dreaming consciousness violently back into my physical body so I can use it to carry out tasks. Usually this involves going to work so I can continue to sustain this body through using its energies to further the desires and ambitions of others in this realm. Today though, interes...
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hypnotized
I was walking through a mall today and suddenly noticed the absurdity of what was going on around me (one layer of it at least). Thousands of us were passing through a building filled with objects created and displayed solely for the pleasure of the human eye. Aside from visual features like colour and style, what difference is there between two identically sized shirts, let alone thousands of them? Why so much variety? Shop after shop of them, drawing our gazes, beckoning us towards them - to ...
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only
there is no thing, only process. there is no body, only process. there is no mind, only process. there is no self, only process. ...
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emotion
For the past while I've been learning what it really means to feel. For most of my life I essentially considered feeling an emotion to be equivalent with expressing it (or more accurately, reacting to it). Feeling anger = stomping, yelling, losing patience. Feeling sorrow = crying, withdrawing, shutting down. Feeling joy = smiling, laughing, doing a little jig. Things like that. And since I'd learned to stop expressing I eventually considered myself to be unemotional, which has turned out to be ...
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define
Ate a cheese sandwich at around 3am so naturally ended up having a slew of vivid dreams. The one I woke up to was interesting. I was in a conversation with 3 other people much larger than myself who were trying to define the meaning of human existence. They each chose a different word for it - one "gratitude", another "purpose" and the last "pleasure", and they were taking it in turns to explain why theirs was true. When my turn came I blurted out in frustration "it isn't any one of those th...
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soil
If feelings are faced and felt in the moment, they become the soil for constructive insight. If avoided and suppressed, they become the fuel for destructive action. ...
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mirror
You know that thing in tv shows and movies where there's a kind but hideous fellow who's feared and hated by all the villagers in town and eventually starts to believe that he's a horrible monster even though he's actually gentle and kind? "Don't look at me!!" and such? What's happening there is that the poor guy is internalizing what others are perceiving of him based on his appearance and coming to the logical conclusion that what they see in him must be who/what he is. It's a natural aspect ...
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living the dream
Life as a human is pretty funny. It just starts up one day and then a couple rotations later abruptly ends. Yet we spend so much of our time and energy running around feverishly trying to get things, hold onto things and keep things away. I'm looking around my room right now. There are some cupboards, plants, notes and artwork on the walls, a bed, table and other assorted things. I have a white noise machine running and I'm wearing two sweaters. I'm incredibly comfortable. I'm starting to feel ...
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simply human
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inferiority
Recently I noticed that I tend to go around projecting certain negative beliefs about myself and that some people reinforce them while others don't. With some people it's easy to come away feeling like I need help/to be fixed/made better etc while with others I feel fine the way I am. It can be so subtle, like someone giving unsolicited advice on how I can improve or be better, thereby confirming beliefs that I must be deficient. So others can either enhance our negative self-beliefs or they ca...
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unconditional love
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wanting what you have
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tuning in
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spiritual freedom
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spiritual freedom
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taptaptap
Okay okay we're present we're present alright alright cool cool let's go let's go typing typing let's see what comes okay picking up some momentum lets get some thoughts cooking alright hoo boy lets see lets see what comes were doin it still gearing up is this just going to be all it is okay maybe oh was that profound i think it might've been is this all there is ! is that all there is ! if thats all there is my friend ! then lets keep - and so then i was at the circus or whatever and it caught ...
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giving yourself what you seek
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waiting to live
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empty boats
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not feeling good enough
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dream facility
dreamt that i was in a sunny field with some people who were carrying around a big blue bag with what seemed to have an unconscious or dead body in it. they were trying to find somewhere to leave it while a giant dog was bounding around with a bunch of people trying to get it under control. the tone was slightly comical. i stood watching the dog while the others wandered off. at some point a group of police officers found them with the bag over a nearby hill. they were holding them by gunpoint w...
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truth
Every word we speak separates us from truth. Some words can guide us back to it but most take us farther away. ...
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regurgitating
Over the past week I've been detaching from my relentless consumption and slowly shifting my attention more to life and extracting the lessons therein. Each day is actually rife with opportunities to learn and truly assimilate through direct experience. When I'm constantly consuming and processing written/spoken knowledge I end up removed from all this juicy data. Removed from my feelings and the wisdom they provide, removed from those around me and the feedback they're providing. The contents o...
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ripples
The healing and cultivation of the inner will naturally produce the healing and cultivation of the outer. It blossoms and ripples outward from the integrated being. They can't help it. It isn't something they do, it's something they are. The outer reality they create as they go comes to reflect the inner. Until there's prevailing inner peace, acceptance, joy and love in ourselves there won't be peace, acceptance, joy and love in the world. Until there's inner ease and acceptance within, the out...
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fantasy
Watched the secret life of walter mitty last night. I enjoyed it. There was one scene I laughed so hard at I was crying (that benjamin button thing? I have it). Overall I related a lot to the feeling of living a far more dynamic self/life in the imagination. Like that over the top fight scene fantasy, I used to pass a lot of time with that kind of thing at my first job. The merging of the two selves...bringing the imagined self into reality. There's something to that. That self is obviously the...
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interpretation
Thought as language exists as a response to information absorbed from the environment. Language is learned, and verbal thought is confined to the limitations of the language learned. Feelings are generated as a result of language-based interpretations about "events" that appear to be occuring in the environment or to one in relation to it. This is what's happening most of the time - thoughts and feelings being generated in response to interpretations of events which consume our attention. Fix...
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wisdom
The wisdom of others is like a baby's blanket. At some point, it needs to be let go of. We have to make our own choices and our own mistakes. This is how we really learn and grow. Through living out our own life. Fully, immediately, imminently. Not through passive absorption of words but through courageous trial and error. Life must be lived. Not just read about and analyzed, but viscerally encountered and felt. ...
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practice
"Spiritual practice" to me is coming into alignment with reality as it is, not as I've been conditioned to see it. It's coming ever more deeply into life, including my circumstances at this very moment. Gradually doing away with the noise and compulsions that pull me away from the bare facticity of myself in this moment. Seeing form in spirit and spirit in form. It's a coming into alignment, that's all. Not more wanting things to be another way, not more pushing or forcing or regretting or year...
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ignorance
Just finished reading about the Dunning-Kruger effect. A quick description would be something along the lines of overconfident ignorance. Basically, any area where we feel confident is likely to be an area where we think we know a lot simply because we aren't yet aware of how much we don't know. Our ignorance of the true breadth of the subject has us convinced we're an expert. This happened with my initial foray into spirituality - when I got a big fuckin spiritual ego before realizing just how ...
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trust
What if you completely let go into trust? Never ran to catch a bus, never worried about what to say or not say, never agonized over things going right or wrong? What if you just trusted that whatever happened was alright? What would that be like? How would it feel? ...
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body
When we criticize our body and compare it with those of others, we objectify and dehumanize ourselves and others. We lose sight of what an incredible gift the body is and all that it allows us to do and experience. All that the sensory world has to offer, all the pleasures of life are known through it. Right now, I have this body. One day very soon it will dissolve and its constituent parts will be scattered across the cosmos once more. For the limited time that I have it I can allow it to be a...
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matrix
In a certain sense, everything in existence is chaos because it simply shouldn't be. It doesn't make logical sense for the universe and all of its perfectly cohesive and coherent natural laws to have arisen out of nothing. And yet, here it is. In another sense, there is no chaos. Things that appear to be chaotic seem to be so because our perception is too limited to see the total picture. We can see this when we reflect back on events after getting more information. Once we have a more detailed...
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decluttering
Decluttering is a lot like losing weight. You quickly realize how much easier it can be to accumulate than let go. All the inner negotiating, the hesitation, the uncertainty, the second guessing, the potential regret. Will I need this later? Am I being wasteful? Should I sell this or donate it or give it to friends or leave it on the street? Where's the best place to donate? Can I get a better price for this? And the grieving that can kick in when some things are let go of... Like with weight l...
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advice
There are commonalities among all of our circumstances but the details matter. And the details of each of our situations are entirely unique and individual to us. We're the only ones who can see and account for all the variables. An external party giving their input will inevitably be forced to draw on their own experiences which will have factors that differ from our own. We can extract wisdom but it must be applied to our situation as needed. We can't imitate others or rely on them to unders...
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things that re-enforce ego identities
Our habits Our social circles The way others treat us The way we treat ourselves The objects we own The clothes we wear The media we consume The thoughts we think The things we say The things we do ...
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arbitrary
One thing that I've really had to come to grips with over the past few years is that I am not what I think. If anything, on a practical relational level I'm more what I do, but even that's not quite right. Until the day you realize that you aren't what you think, you kind of are. Because there's no space, no separation between you and the thoughts. You don't even really know the thoughts are directing your every mood and act, you just go along with them. If they say you're x, you're x. If they ...
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compassion
There's a lot of messaging going around that we should give more. More of our time, more of our energy, more of our attention, more of ourselves. This can be appropriate and balancing for some but dangerous for those who have been conditioned to overgive without concern for their own needs and wellbeing. True compassion is a mutually nourishing quality, and it includes consideration for oneself. Otherwise it becomes mutually harmful no matter how good either party feels in the moment of giving....
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bullshit
When it really comes down to it, thoughts are there because of external circumstances we've encountered in our lives. They don’t have anything to do with who we really are, yet they seem to actively dictate exactly that. When I engage with my thoughts, I’m engaging with this accumulated collection of self-perpetuating voice records that’s embedded itself in my system. Distracting me 24/7 and telling me, or at least implying to me, who and what I am. It’s why things like CBT and positive affirm...
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compromise
Compromise is optional. What other people want from us doesn't need to affect our choices at all. We may face consequences but the choice is always ours to make. ...
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good/bad
It's not useful or accurate to see people as good or bad, whether ourselves or someone else. It's more true to see events/circumstances and responses. We can work out our feelings and responses without personalizing or considering humans as fundamentally different from one another. Since that which is in others is also in us, when we condemn others we condemn ourselves and when we condemn ourselves we condemn others. This generates hostility and violence the world over, and it all stems from a...
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redirecting
Happiness and contentment have little to do with external circumstances. Much more relevent are the contents of the mind and quality of attention. More impactful than being in a perpetual state of processing and confusion due to constantly absorbing information and stimulation would be moving towards tranquility, openness and my own innate wisdom and knowing. Making space so that I can listen and respond to my own promptings and guidance. Absorbing information in a directed and focused way. ...
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thoughts aren't a problem
Believing them is. ...
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unhooked
As the years have gone by, I’ve been progressively withdrawing from more and more social networks and apps. At first it seemed relatively harmless and even fun to have these windows and doors into each other’s lives. Likely not-so-coincidentally, the shift away from them started around the time I started meditating. Becoming more aware of my psychological and emotional states quickly made me realize how draining and distracting they could be. The compulsive scrolling, random messages coming in, ...
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rest
When attention is always on our thoughts, we remain focused on projections and interpretations of external events. This usually happens automatically as a sort of predictive safety program, a means of control. It intrinsically involves a sacrifice in attention to the unfolding moment and indicates a fundamental mistrust in self and life. It keeps us on edge, on guard, always in our heads, scanning for potential threats and danger on the horizon. When attention is shifted away from thoughts and ...
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forcing
I had the thought this morning that ever since I shifted my attention away from the needs and feelings of others and towards my own, suddenly my whole life started to collapse around me. Noticing little by little that almost nothing I was doing was meeting my needs, that I was only acting habitually to meet the needs of others as they came to me with them. Being a clown, a therapist, a good worker, a warm presence, useful, attractive, kind, friendly, outgoing, giving, whatever was called for. Al...
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outgrowing
Sometimes an environment that once provided plenty of growth and nourishment comes to feel stifling, like when a plant starts to outgrow it's pot. Like the plant, we need to move if we're to continue to grow. Or, we can let go of growth and stay where we are. The discomfort of the pot pressing in against us will continue to be felt but the choice is ours to make. That is unless (until) life comes along to move us whether we like it or not... ...
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money
Well, I bought an electric scooter. As soon as I got it home I started spiralling over the fact that I’d just spent so much on this “investment” - almost 2 months worth of rent gone in a flash. Seeing my savings running out, seeing how little I’ve been making back, seeing this bulky ass thing in my room that I now had to worry about. What if a tire pops? What if the motor stops working? So much anxiety coming up, feeling trapped and caged in my circumstances, wanting to run and get away but not ...
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process
The self is not a fixed object/entity but a process. The emergent, uninterrupted flow of universal harmony expressed, in our case, through what appears as a human form. If authentic expression of this process impairs the meeting of physical, emotional and psychological needs in childhood, the energy flow is interrupted and redirected in contrived ways more suitable to the environment which serve the purpose of manipulating perception and situations in order to ensure the safety and survival o...
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ego
One of the main reasons people start working to "dissolve the ego" is to disengage from dysfunctional and reactive patterns developed in childhood. In the space that emerges as it's grip is loosened, a new ego can then be created and deployed to replace it. Most come to identify with this new ego but we don't need to be it, we can just use it. In the act of asserting a boundary for example, ego is used to repel an outside force from our psychic space by providing a clear sense of self and not-...
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houses of cards
We're all scrambling around trying to build and maintain a foundation of safety and security around us. Houses of cards! Constantly falling away. We never feel at peace, waiting for the next one to fall, already looking for the next replacement. Always afraid, always breathless. And none of it is real! All objects of the mind. Ideas. There is no safety and no unsafety here, no security and no insecurity. We are dead and deathless. ...
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thinking and thinking
The more you hold back, the more you think and think. Overthinking is a result of suppressed truth, a redirection of life energy into mental activity. It happens in the space that fear and self-doubt create between impulse and expression. All this thinking and philosophising is a substitute for living, for being deeply engaged with life. What are you afraid of? Why the hesitation? Look into it. Start dealing with life as it arises. Speak up! Do! ...
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challenge
There is no situation in the future in which there are no more problems and everything is all good. You can only choose which situations to be involved in and which problems to have as a result. Life is challenge in it's very nature because challenge = growth, and life is always growing. Any attempt to escape this is futile. Do, but don't expect it to make life any better than it can be at this very moment. It will only have a different external form with it's own set of things to enjoy and to ...
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performing
To perform and try to be pleasing so that others enjoy my company more is completely self defeating and makes relationships a drain. Since they come to expect and feed off this, it isn't long before their company becomes a burden. I need to accept and bring myself as I am with others. It's the only way I can be with them without it being tiring, it's the only way to find love and friendships that will nourish and last. If I can be at peace with others. If I'm neither entertaining them nor suppr...
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abiding
When you experience unity within yourself, you experience it with all that is. Separation occurs within our own selves and must be dealt with from there. Unity is not found outside. We only become hypnotized by our sense perception. The things we see, hear, feel, etc pull us out of our centre. If consciousness abides in the self, separation dissolves and all is held in oneness. ...
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old trees and wise ducks
...
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potentiality
Who "I am" is pure potentiality. There is no individual self in it. It simply is. Seeking a self (or rather investigating the past to create a self) is folly. It only produces a construct composed of interpreted events. The truth manifests in and as each moment. It can't be pinned down or held onto. It is as it is. ...
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words
Language and concepts are the illusion. Words create it. When we speak, we communicate on the level of that illusion. When we identify with words, try to find truth in words, try to find life in words, try to find ourselves in words, we become confused. There is nothing in any of it. Words are only pale reflections, pointers at best. Life is silent. Wordless. Life is underneath and all around the words. The words only represent conceptual distinctions of our own creation. A complex, self-refer...
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fuel
Everything has it's place in this world, even the tormentors and unfair situations. They can be turned into a gift, a reason to find strength and wholeness. With them around we can't afford to be complacent. We can't afford to be weak. The discomfort and anxiety they stir up becomes fuel for growth and transformation. Life is a dance of polarities and perfect balance. Pain is intrinsically tied to growth. They exist together. They are part of the same pole. ...
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personality
"i just wanted to let you know, i know you said moving beyond personality and into who you are makes you worry it makes you seem empty but i like how you're able to take everything in and transform it in yourself and send it back" "wow thank you, i was worried i seemed unsettling or something" "no i don't find that at all" i fall backwards in a deep pool of water and sink to the bottom, trusting i'll be able to breathe the water. he falls in too and sinks to the bottom, i put my arm around him ...
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from a dream
"when you plant a tree, you let it be. you don't interfere too much. and then one day you smell a sweet fragrance and look over and the tree is in bloom." ...
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phones
are portable dopamine injectors ...
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possessed
Pent up sexual and emotional energy takes over our perception and thoughts when left unexpressed, hindering our capacity to see clearly and choose wisely. The energies need to be channeled, transmuted or released, otherwise we end up controlled by them. ...
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quest
Most pursuits are part of a psychospiritual quest for wholeness, stemming from a sense of lack instilled during development. At some point in our lives we inherit the idea that we aren't enough and that something more is needed to make us whole/enough/worthy. We're taught, implicitly or explicitly, that we can only be made whole through attaining or accomplishing things external to us. On the psychospiritual level we seek to merge with the external things/beings/experiences to resolve this bel...
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listen
Our body, our emotions, tell us what we do and don't want/need. Not our mind, not our beliefs, not our ideas. These are the lies we tell ourselves. The truth is closer to the body. ...
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vibration
Man-made objects are dead. They exist in a state of gradual decay and interrupt the natural resonance of the environment. Growing things are constantly emitting higher frequencies of vibrational energy and contributing to a persistent flow of interpenetrative resonance among the various lifeforms. This connection is obvious in nature and can be seen and felt if one is sensitive. In areas with lots of artificial constructions (pavement, buildings, etc) we lose touch with this phenomenon. Aside f...
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past
the past flows back from the present. the now is always the creation point. past is created now. if our idea of the past changes, the past is changed. it's a conceptualization made now, a set of interpretations which can be adjusted (as in therapy). thus "change" can be instantaneous if one so chooses. one chooses to maintain consistency, but is not limited to it except by one's own ideas. ...
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god
The universe extends seamlessly within and without, there is no separation. One reason we seem to experience the material world as separate is because of our identification with the body, whose senses provide one set of an infinite number of portals through which consciousness enters this dimension of experience. We both associate and distinguish this identication with self-as-psychological-entity, which is gathered together from accumulated sensory data translated into subjective thoughts and f...
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silence and sound
Think of life as silence and everything that occurs in it as notes chiming out and echoing for a time before dissolving back into silence. Like notes that ring out for a time before fading out, experiences occur for a time before dissolving. Relationships form for a time before dissolving. Emotions arise for a time before dissolving. Thoughts appear for a time before dissolving. Our bodies emerge for a time before dissolving. They're all notes arising from silence and returning to silence. A...
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objective beauty
There is no objectively more or less beautiful thing. Many may agree that certain things are more or less beautiful but this is only consensus based on subjective factors. So called "objectively beautiful" things are most often chosen by conditioning. If we're told enough times that a certain thing is beautiful our minds will eventually come to associate it with beauty. Beauty is also experienced when we encounter an external object or setting that reflects our internal experience, so depending...
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nature and city 2
Being in nature is the external equivalent of being in the state of open awareness. Vast, spacious, colourful, varied, vibrant and alive. Being in a city is the external equivalent of being confined to mental constructs. Rigid, narrow, linear, colourless, repetitious and artificially imposed. ...
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awakening
is suddenly coming into awareness of the idea of who you think you are, and into stark realization that it was a collection of fabrications woven together to form a conceptual self (often one that was experiencing intense suffering moments prior). ...
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impulse
If we're truly able to feel and let go of an emotional impulse we stop the cycle of karma right there. Only if we're truly able to surrender it though, otherwise we only delay the transference. ...
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note 259
i've always felt it without knowing why. that i wanted to be liked and loved for who i am, not what i do or can do. i thought it was narcissistic and unrealistic, but really it's because i grew up with the pain of being loved conditionally. ...
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words vs reality
...
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giving
The earth gives endlessly of itself, without any expectation of return. It demonstrates pure love in its constant flowering of air, water, food, shelter, beauty, warmth, cool, etc. Everything we could ever want and need. We can choose to take this for granted and the earth will continue to give. It will never ask us to stop or give back. Whether we do so or not is entirely up to us. ...
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gratitude
To live with gratitude means to live with the understanding that everything we have can be taken away in an instant. That one day, all of it will be taken away in an instant. ...
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freedom
The journey to freedom has meaning and beauty because of the existence of the matrix of delusion and fear. If there was nothing to be freed from and for, freedom would be meaningless. The intensity of the beauty is felt in direct contrast to the degree of surrounding ugliness. ...
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conditional
Many of us come to feel that our existence only has meaning or value if we're seen as worthy and lovable in the eyes of others. The more inner insecurity we feel, the more external security and validation we need to offset it. If we come to value and love ourselves, others aren't needed to provide these feelings since they can now be generated from within. We no longer feel we need to be given love and can instead give it. Until this point, relating is primarily a covert means to receive in ord...
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your best self
...
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idealism
We seem to have a tendency to form certain idealistic visions of the world because we can see the potential of ourselves and other people. It differs by person but tends to involve identifying and pursuing the perfected embodiment of the thing or person, whatever our conditioned subjectivity has concluded is good and worthy in it. We can sometimes hone in on these qualities to the point of excluding or dismissing everything else. It seems to be fine to share and move towards these ideals, unle...
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origin
Who you really are is here in each moment, as it has always been. The same. It's still here, unfolding underneath all the noise you get distracted by. Thoughts are just accumulations of past. They obscure the self, they can't be used to find it. Trace them back, from where they originate. That's who you seek. ...
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dignity
We're all inherently worthy of dignity simply by virtue of being. Low self-esteem happens when we establish worthiness based on fleeting incidental factors. Relying on these factors makes one vulnerable to the whims of fate and trend, while knowing inherent dignity and worth makes one impervious to them. ...
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let everything go
and see what remains ...
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conversation
Each person's mind is perpetually building up and winding through its own personal reality. People in a conversation are in the midst of generating a temporary shared reality construct between each other composed of language derived thoughts. The thoughts are built upon accumulated experiences filtered through heavily conditioned foundations. All expressed words are processed through the foundations of the other and are expanded upon into a flimsy shared projection. We create and enter these pr...
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denial
No matter the impetus, it seems that living beings can't deny their nature for long without experiencing immense suffering. ...
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the truth is
i don't know anything and neither does anyone else :o ...
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identity
Identity is a tool, to be used as needed and then let go of as we return to openness. Confusion arises when we try to find a self in identity. The self is this underlying openness. Uncategorizable, indefinable. Pure awareness. The identity is a product of interaction. We can use it as the situation requires and then return to openness without THINKING it to be anything substantial. It's a phantom, an idea, a utilitarian mechanism. There's nothing in it. ...
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heartbreak
"I was just trying to think about it honestly. The more times I had my heart broken, the more I learned to be open, and not feel like anything is permanent." ...
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misunderstood
Does the need to feel heard and understood have to be fulfilled by another? Or is it a symptom of needing to hear and understand ourselves? ...
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meaning
Can fun be enough? Joy and pleasure and gratitude and connection? To be here and experience each day without seeking some deeper meaning that will satisfy the mind? To move even into sadness and pain with curiosity and gratitude? To enjoy them as much as anything else? ...
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purpose
Each of us defines the parameters of our own destinies, and our inner being/intuition/emotions are our built-in guides. We can't know our "purpose" ahead of time. We can't decide it. We sniff it out as we respond to what arises. It's dynamic, unfolding as we go. In each moment we're living it and creating it. ...
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mental space
Once emptiness is encountered, the mind opens outward like expanding space. What was once narrow and linear becomes a vast spaciousness that can hold more and more planets (mental frameworks) which, even if contradictory to one another, can all be held in orbit without any discomfort or paradox. ...
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meditation - some areas of effect and precautions
MENTAL Move from a state of unconscious reactivity to conscious choice Perform a "soft reset" of mental activity Allow information to process and integrate Let the mind rest and rejuvenate Notice compulsive and repetitive thought patterns See and challenge habitual thoughts and unconscious beliefs Increase mental alertness and ability to focus Increase capacity to be present Increase awareness of the effects that external stimuli and media have on mental state EMOTIONAL Create space for un...
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steps
Don't think about the whole journey, how you're going to make it to the goal, how long it's going to take, how overwhelming it all seems. Just take the first step. Figure out what's needed right now and that's it. Then do the next thing, and the next, and the next. ...
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passion
Passion is the energy of the universe moving us towards the things and others that are meant for us at this time. We feel it in our body - that this is what's bringing us alive right now. We may not know why but we know that this is where we're meant to be, what we're meant to be doing. That there's something for us to explore, learn and experience here. If we're to continue to grow, when passion fades it may be a sign that our time with the thing or person or situation has ended and it's time ...
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root
Before looking for a solution to a problem, identify the root cause. For example, if my back is hurting and I'm only focusing on the symptoms (pain), the solution may appear to be chiropractors and pain killers. However, if the root cause of the pain is sitting at a desk all day then no matter how much back cracking or pill taking I do, the core problem isn't being addressed. This means the symptoms will only worsen and return. Since the root problem is the excessive sitting, the long term sol...
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allowing
"I'm not happy," I thought to myself, laughing happily. ...
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psychology
Western psychological standards can be detrimental in terms of deeper wellbeing and psychological health. The practices and goals will mainly be oriented towards making it easier for us to get the things we want or are expected to have, to function productively in this society without feeling as much discomfort in the game of having and doing. It can make it easier for us to waste our lives on empty pursuits and shallow relationships without encouraging deeper examination and change, maybe to en...
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within
Whatever occurs within the individual is reflected in the whole. When we transform ourselves, we act as a catalyzing force for change in the collective. Through healing ourselves, the whole becomes healed. Through loving ourselves, the love pours outward causing the whole to feel more love. Through inflicting pain on ourselves, the pain spreads outward and the whole feels more pain. It all starts within us. Whatever we feel towards our own heart is reflected in an outward form among the whole...
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smokescreen
If we aren't able to see through words, we can be easily misled and manipulated by them. We can be hypnotized by them. Rather than seeing into the purpose and intent behind their use, we can become lost in the content. It's an exploitation of trust. A smokescreen. A harnessing of the emotional impact that words can induce. Used effectively they can hide the actions and intentions of the speaker in plain sight. It all goes undetected while they continue emitting pacifying words to enshroud thems...
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chimera
There is no ego. What appears as ego is a collection of disparate thoughts which are caught, clung to, collected and clustered together to form what is then believed to be the self. There's nothing substantial in it. No core, no essence. It is made of dust and old bones. A chimera of memory and imagination. ...
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spells
When we speak frivolously or dishonestly, we participate in the game of illusion. Speaking for the sake of speaking is itself a form of deception. We create a screen of words around ourselves which we consciously or unconsciously use to manipulate the perception of others, to bewitch them. They lose direct contact with us and come to associate the words we say with us. This is why eloquent words can be used to disguise an ugly heart. Really, almost anytime we speak we participate in solidifyi...
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microcosm
There is only one Mind. This Mind is the source, the void. Form is tangible mind, thought more subtle. All emerge from and within Mind. Mind seeks to experience and know itself. The human desire for experience and self knowledge is a microcosmic reflection of this. The human aspect is a conduit capable of deeper self knowing and the capacity to illumine other aspects of self (represented by others). Mind seeks to be fully illumined, fully aware, fully conscious, and it does this through each bei...
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subjective
We're all having subjective experiences and trying to come to an objective consensus with each other using language. To encounter and convince one another to validate and accept our explanations of this experience. To "get on the same page" with each other. This isn't possible on the level we typically try to. That's why it never quite fits, and why our explanations of reality can be so flexible and changable. We use limited means such as language to convey our inner experiences and these get f...
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perception
All so-called objects are differentiated based on the arbitrary parameters of sense perception. What difference between a painting, the wall it hangs on and the space surrounding the wall? Only perception. ...
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graceful
A beautiful death is one in which a person moves into dying gracefully. Neither clinging to life nor regretting it, but letting go with acceptance and appreciation at having been part of it. A beautiful life is the same; a moment to moment acceptance and letting go. A graceful dance and play without clinging or regret, but acceptance and appreciation for being here and taking part. Doing our best, giving it all we have, without any expectation of fanfare or return. Blossoming for it's own sake....
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texts
Something that can easily be missed while reading religious or spiritual texts is the dimension of feeling underlying the messages. The words can indicate truth, laying out the existential reality of things without mercy. But underneath that lies an intensity of feeling in the speaker or author that can't necessarily be read. It conveys the beauty in taking part in the act of creation despite its fleeting impermanence, the wonder of flowering for little reason other than to be and bloom for its...
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wounded
The belief that we're wounded and need to be healed can itself be a sickness. We could spend our whole life finding solution after solution that provides temporary relief to problem after problem, but if core beliefs remain like "I need to be healed" or "I am a victim", it'll never be enough. The perfectionism and resulting sense of discontent will transfer to another area of our being, a different perceived weakness or lack to fixate upon and set about curing. ...
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difference
There are people who turn out to be different but accept themselves as they are, seeing nothing wrong in themselves for this. They don't try to change so others think better of them but instead adapt their life to who they are inside. Their difference can become empowering and admirable. Then there are people who turn out to be different and resent it. They want to be like those around them but they're not so they identify reasons for this and spend their lives resenting their lot, never accept...
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decision
Every decision is an opportunity to choose an elevating decision or a diminishing one, either of which will contribute to the rewiring of the brain. Each decision represents a step towards growth or stagnation. You're working through years of the latter. It will take time and there will be relapses. Keep going. ...
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delusion
The only way to get beyond illusion/delusion is to live in a perpetual state of not knowing. The moment we think we know, we're deluded. Caught in a framework. Forming conclusions based on theories based on limited evidence formed and expanded upon in the mind. ...
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adventure
Let each day be its own self contained adventure. Give each event your full attention. Let each interval be its own event. Let them grow smaller and smaller until there is only now and now and now, one eternally shifting event, one grand adventure without beginning or end! ...
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judgement
Before God Before the Self Everything comes up for review In the mind This is Judgement At some point in the unfolding of this unfathomable process, a thought, a feeling, a desire, an impulse, an act, an event, a something arose that we wish hadn't, that we wish wasn't there. Something that is now part of us and the whole. "Can you accept this too?" it asks of us. "Without condemnation? Without rejection? Can you invite this too into yourself, as being one with you and the universe?" Can we a...
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a mantra
when it comes to myself, there is none more wise than myself. ...
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if i should ever go mad
my one hope is that i retain a sense of humour ...
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shift
All suffering in the world has its beginning as a thought that was clung to and pursued in external reality. "I'm unsafe," "I hate them," "I'll kill them." If understanding and detached observation were possible for the thinker of these thoughts, they could be recognized, traced back to their origin and then released, allowing the thinker to feel their projected pain and return to a state of equanimity. The thought wouldn't be held onto and charged with emotion as is typically the case now, i...
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happy
Nothing in the world can make us happy. Happiness is there in the intervals between attaining a desire and the dawning of a new one. It's inherent, only obscured by the very process of desiring itself. Happiness doesn't come from getting what we want, it comes when desiring is no longer there. If desiring is dropped, happiness can come. If not it remains an elusive potential, since the nature of desire is such that they arise endlessly, one after another, until finally understood and recognized ...
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ohm
energizing sensation and feeling of unity with the group and surroundings is induced by vibrations harmonized by the generating of the sound. energy is being generated by and returned to the body after being strengthened by the vibrational energy of surrounding atoms. the rumble in the throat flows through and out of the body via the emitted sound and movement of the skin, enters the air, and connects with objects. energy is then returned along the vibrations back to the source through the ears...
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one
It's all one thing manifesting into countless forms. When we reject any of these forms, we reject the totality in favour of our conditioned ideals, bundled together over an infinitesimally short length of time when compared to the vastness of existence. Reject nothing, accept all, and divisions disappear. Every thing, every religion, every race, every person is as much an expression of life as anything else. ...
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moralizing
Authentic outer goodness is a natural biproduct of inner wholeness. It's a result of being at peace within, not the result of a mentally defined moral code. Feeling superior for being good and judging others for being not-good is a way of controlling whatever is rejected in the self, just as it's used by those in authority to control undesirable behaviours of subordinates. It's repression and it leads to neurosis and sickness. Don't waste any time talking about the choices of others. Don't pa...
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social
Social media contributes to misery in part because it sends the mind outward, far away from resting in the self, on endless links of chains farther and farther away. As a result, more and more processing is also needed and the endless re-opening of the apps makes it so the mind can never return to a place of rest and contentment. It stays permanently out and lost in the digital mazes, endlessly scanning, compiling and comparing. The mind is compelled to move outward, into the motion and noise a...
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grief
There can be so much grief involved in choosing yourself. ...
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plans
Don't cling to anything. Not to comfort, not to solitude, not to meditation, not to people, not to plans. Whatever arises, small or big, momentary or lasting, accept and move into it fully. Don't fight it, don't waste energy resisting what's already come to pass. After all, who are you to decide what should be? This whole thing is far bigger than you. It is what is. Feel your feelings, release your plans and encounter reality with total acceptance. Then respond. ...
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a subtle shift
self consciousness = ego identification, insecurity, fear, separation Self Consciousness = universal identification, acceptance, trust, unity ...
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quieting
Normally we dwell on the periphery of our experience, taking in and processing all the movement, sounds, colors, words and sensations going on around us. There's so much activity that it consumes the majority of our conscious attention and awareness. As a result there's little room for anything to rise into consciousness from within. The noisiness obscures it. Whatever's going on on the surface is far brighter and louder than whatever's going to be whispering noiselessly from within. The gentle...
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descend
when you sit for meditation you start at the surface at the external level outside the body where there's light and motion and noise until slowly, you descend going deeper down where there's less light, less motion, less noise passing through sensation less, but still there sitting through this and descending deeper and deeper down through the current of thought and feeling the words, memories, beliefs, hopes, fears letting them be and letting them go to descend deeper eventually coming to an op...
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self love
We're capable of fulfilling our own emotional needs because we're all essentially one. Whether the love is coming from someone else or from ourselves, the universe is giving to itself. ...
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held
The body is a reflection of the outer universe. Somewhere within it, there's a formless process holding it all together. What's experienced as the body is the tangible expression of that process. In meditation, we drop beneath form and return to that essential process. All material form in existence is held in this same indefinable essence. ...
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change
I'm someone who turned out to be fundamentally at odds with much of my environment. Family, friends, society as a whole - the values and outlooks rarely seemed to lined up. And rather than being true to myself, I grew up trying to change and fit myself into the systems around me. This lead to the many binds which I'm now struggling to release myself from. It's not at all that I've changed. I'm exactly who I've always been. Only now I'm choosing myself, and extricating myself inch by inch from t...
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this time for sure
Life will keep giving us what we want so we can find out again and again that it's not out there. ...
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analyzing dreams
The dreaming mind interprets the world more poetically than the waking mind, which has been thoroughly conditioned with linear systems of language and logic. It does so instead through symbols and metaphors. Our dreams can show us a lot about ourselves and truths we may be avoiding or overlooking in the complexity of waking life. When we encounter a person, place or thing in a dream, we can consider why this one was conjured and why it stood out to us. What does it represent to us? Freedom, fun...
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transmit or transmute
All "bad" that's been done to me is a result of past karma. The person who hurt me was hurt by another and the pain continued through them like a conduit into me. The one who hurt them was also hurt by someone before, and on and on it goes. The pain chain could've been set into motion centuries ago. I can either transmit the pain or transmute it. I can continue the cycle, as ego would compel me to, or finally let this particular cycle of pain come to an end in me. Through understanding that it ...
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prophets
For the vast majority of humanity, the prophets of the past failed miserably in their efforts to liberate. In trying they ended up creating movements which came to further enslave and serve egotism on massive scales. Nonetheless, because of their efforts the potential is there for the few who are able to hear. I guess that's how it goes. ...
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language
To come and go in emptiness requires a degree of psychological distance from our inherited language structures. One of the reasons it's difficult to articulate the experience without it sounding nonsensical and paradoxical is because it's pure subjectivity, and language deals primarily in the objective. The relative and observable; that which can be quantified, described and differentiated between in relation to the senses and each other. The more subjective the state being described, the more ...
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theoretical shape of the universe
Imagine the universe as a bubble containing an inner bubble in which everything in existence is contained within the inner bubble and the inner wall of the outer bubble containing the inner bubble is also the inner bubble turned outwards forming the outer wall of the outer bubble connected with the inner bubble, thus simultaneously containing all within and without itself. ...
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polarities
Every thing is both thing and its opposite simultaneously. All conclusions either way are an interpretation based on a perception of the thing from a certain vantage point, but the reality of the thing includes its polar opposite, currently out of view. Coldness is in hotness, love is in hate, night is in day, etc etc. Duality is a matter of perception, while the reality of every thing contains both poles simultaneously. ...
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bridge
meditation is a bridge to a deeper plane beyond thought and appearance rising and falling they come and go and something remains underneath and within it all can you be that? ...
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precious
how can time be precious if it has no existence? that which is precious is only now ...
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whenever you start to think you know
I don't know what I am I don't know what this is I don't know what's going on I don't know ...
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healing
No one in the world can heal us. Only we can heal ourselves. Others can only serve as a mirror. We can observe ourselves while with them. Listening as much to ourselves as we do to them. As the body moves and the mouth speaks, we watch. Listen. Reflect. This is how awareness grows. And with awareness comes healing. ...
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wrongness and rightness
wrongness arises from beliefs about rightness badness arises from beliefs about goodness ...
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striving
all striving is mind carrying out it's function finding problems to solve which require seeking acquiring attaining enhancing as long as we're identified with this function we're slaves to it and will be until the day we die utterly unfulfilled ...
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serenity
to know that there's nowhere to go that all that's needed is right here, right now that one is already whole and complete to live from that knowing is serenity ...
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hot beauty tips
Beauty Problem: Fine lines and wrinkles Beauty Solution: Be more honest and true Keeping track of falsehoods and the potential consequences of your lies will create a chain reaction of anxious thoughts that will give you wrinkles. Even small ones will deepen your laugh lines and give you crows feet. Avoiding this will prevent a lot of unnecessary stress and keep your skin looking smooth and wrinkle free. Beauty Problem: Under eye bags Beauty Solution: Have a heart that is pure and free of hatr...
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when uncomfortable memories arise
Recognize it as a memory trace. Let it bubble up. Don't interpret it, don't assign meaning to it. Let it be there and let it go. ...
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you are
if you want to live the conceptual self must die if you drop your ideas of who you were who you are and who you should be you are ...
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it comes
they can't take us anywhere can't lead us to the treasure can't tell us the truth for the treasure is nowhere the truth beyond words all they can do is take away our oars and leave us floating, naked in the middle of the ocean so it can come to us ...
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feel it
As much as you're able, look at your pain. Be with it when it comes. Don't distract yourself from it. Don't numb it. Don't run from it. Let it tear through you. Let it destroy you completely, so that you can be reborn. Fresh and new. ...
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insight
insight can come like a gift of mercy from God suddenly, out of nowhere the moment you feel you can't survive another second of suffering a voice a thought a dream sent down to release you from the deepest throws of agony and lightness returns more powerful and serene than ever ...
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journey and return
no there, only here. no then, only now. rise and fall. expand and contract. light and dark. sound and silence. being and non-being. journey and return. ...
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inconsistency
Profound change can happen at any moment. We could have spoken to someone one day and by the next they could have been transformed by a single insight. We can be completely focused on one path for decades and in one moment of clarity recognize it's futility. Consistency is only an attachment to old, dead memories and ideas. Better to embrace inconsistency. Inconsistency is evolution. ...
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innocence
knowing the self is knowing primal innocence knowing innocence is forgiveness ...
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mind entities
The more we detach and create distance from the world of conditioned mind patterns, the more we start to see that everything we thought we knew about ourselves and others was only a collection of thoughts based on observations of conditioned behaviour. The "personality" being mostly incidental and arbitrary, a complex web of strategies and defense mechanisms. Until we know ourselves we can't know others, only our thoughts about them. Thoughts encountering thoughts. Conditioned minds pinging off...
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dissolution
As meditation grows, it begins to dissolve all that's unreal in us. It can feel at times like we're losing precious parts of ourselves to the spreading silence. Memories can wash up in its wake that stir a longing for qualities we no longer feel compelled to display, for desires we no longer feel compelled to pursue. The potential is still there, none of that has gone anywhere. But we can see now how often we had been betraying ourselves in exhibiting these qualities and chasing these desires....
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deepening
Each time we become aware that we're acting unconsciously and dive back into the state of watchfulness, we deepen our connection to our essential nature while loosening the grip of conditioned mind patterns. We can do this anytime and anywhere. We can make use of every moment to return and rest in our inner silence. ...
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the essence of practice
be continuously aware of what's arising within. if you can do this, everything else will fall into place. ...
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person
You are not a person. A person is a concept; a collection of ideas, labels and perceptions. What you are is indefinable. A nameless happening, a spacious outpouring of energy in which the person and all else occurs. Whatever ideas we have about the person we believe ourselves to be can't come close to encompassing the totality of the phenomenon at play. ...
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knowledge
All our knowledge is a collection of details and observations based upon a series of presuppositions made in relation to concepts defined by the limitations of our sensory perception. Lol ...
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don't try
Note to self: don't try to be confident. Don't try to be smart. Don't try to be impressive. Don't try to be anything at all. Just be okay with yourself as you are. Be okay with what makes you different. Be okay with what makes you the same. Be okay with all of it. Don't even try to love yourself. Just accept yourself totally, and love will follow on its own. ...
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don't hold on
Don't hold on to anything, not even understanding. Let go. ...
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neutrality
To be neutral is to be in a state of trust with life. Not trying to control things one way or another but allowing them to be as they are, knowing that there are higher forces at play than we can see. All other states come from a kind of arrogance, of believing our minds to allow us to see what's best or worst for ourselves, others and the world. Based on only a small fraction of evidence gathered over a cosmic sliver of a lifetime we believe ourselves qualified to control fate and meddle in th...
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okay
whatever happens, be okay with it if you're not okay with it, be okay with that ...
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consumption
We imbibe and are influenced by whatever we consume, even passively. Media in particular tunes us in to certain mental and emotional frequencies. They can become our thoughts and feelings. So what frequency are we tuning ourselves into? Fear? Loneliness? Despair? Lust? Greed? What programs are we interfacing with? What thoughts and feelings are we downloading into our systems? ...
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letting the world get ahead
Note to self: falling behind in the eyes of the world is one of the prices to be paid on the way. Be okay with it. Let people think what they will. And don't fall into spiritual materialism either. "Meditate so you can buy your dream house!" and such. If those things come it's fine but if you're after any of it then you're already off course. You're already projecting into a future, performing in order to achieve, living as if you weren't enough, as if here and now weren't enough, as if you w...
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momentum
The stream of thinking has a momentum to it that's useful to account for in meditation. As we go through the world we're absorbing a constant stream of information and stimuli, and when we suddenly cut off that input (as in meditation), the mind will still be very active for a time in interpreting and sorting all of it. It's important to learn to expect this, and to have infinite patience with it. We can just let the mind do its thing, continuing to breathe in and out as it does, watching witho...
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meditation is not a doing
We don't have to try to silence the mind and stop our thoughts. This will produce the opposite effect; whatever thoughts we try to suppress will grow stronger. We don't have to try to do anything at all. We can just close our eyes and sit, watching what's happening inside as if we were watching a multi-sensory, multi-dimensional scene playing out. And the process starts to happen on its own. Little by little, meditation comes. All there is to do is sit. ...
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collective
I was thinking about situations like KONY 2012 and the amazon rainforest fire, how quickly everyone got riled up and how suddenly they seemed to vanish from the radar again. How funny and weird that all is. Even though it feels very much like it's still in a clumsy baby Bambi learning to walk infancy, the internet being used in this way could be a really powerful thing. We could be like a sort of collective Justice League, all of us getting flagged at the first sign of evil and pooling our col...
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conditioning
Returning to our natural, deprogrammed state of consciousness isn't the result of teaching but unlearning, not attaining but losing. A stripping and falling away of conditioned ideas, beliefs and patterns until all is held in primordial truth. Enlightenment as a concept must exist because of the conditioning we received from those who came before us, from cultures and societies lost in their own convoluted mind structures. Without these societies there would be no enlightenment. Many of those r...
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desiring
Desiring - to have, to be, to attain, to pursue, to acquire, to achieve, to enhance - is a result of egoic thinking. Desiring is ego, and ego produces the compulsive, grasping, insecure aspects of mind. This is all illusory, a chase that will send us running and running to destination after destination without end. We will acquire, and when we do we'll be momentarily satisfied and then deeply unsatisfied again, bringing us right back to ourselves before launching out again. The self/awareness...
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representation
"You" have no reality aside from as a series of conceptual identities you form in your dynamics with others. This is not you but a composite of aspects of the conditioned mind which you've gathered together to represent you. A flickering holographic projection, a whisp of thought that comes and goes. This idea of you is false and arbitrary. A bundle of mental concepts which you project, identify with and mistake for who you are. ...
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karma
All bad AND good actions one takes produces karmic chains that must be worked through to the end until freed from them (unless character/participation can be dropped instantaneously, in which case liberation is immediate). This is why concepts like non-action are proposed to lead one to freedom. Allowing acts to flow from one's being without calculated intent. Responding to what arises without motive or attachment for a specific end result. Neither leaning out nor in, for even actions that seem...
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needing
Most so-called needing comes from conditioned thought patterns endlessly repeating that some other situation would be better than here and now. This is an illusion. It's the trap of desire. Notice when it creeps in. "Needing" some specific set of circumstances, "needing" things to turn out a certain way, "needing" to have something more. A clear indication of unnecessary suffering, and a signal to let something go and relax back into the moment as it is. Remember that you are already whole and...
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"this too"
...must be accepted. (to cut through resistance when things "go wrong") ...
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a real conversation
"How do you make friends?" "I don't" "Me neither. I want to be your friend. Do you want to be friends?" "Sure." "Okay. You're emotionally responsible for me now." "I can't commit to that." "Okay." ...
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amplified attractiveness (a theory)
People tend to be more possessive, disrespectful and forward with those who have put a lot of work into looking conventionally attractive (or sexy, etc) because they're essentially displaying that they've put a lot of time and energy into being made pleasing for others. This makes others feel entitled to consume them and treat them as objects, as unconsciously they're projecting that they want this. Most people who focus on their appearance in this way aren't aware of this. Most likely they fee...
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anxiety
Realized today that anxiety is and has always been a gift to me. Looking back, the times when I'd been most consumed by anxiety were all periods when I'd been betraying myself for others in some way. Putting them or their values above myself and my own. Abandoning my life, my needs and desires, because in some way I trusted and chose others above myself. Luckily for me, sooner or later my body is unable tolerate it anymore. The anxiety starts screaming louder and louder until I'm shattered by...
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separate
if the bee can't exist without the flower and the flower can't exist without the bee are they really two separate things? if we can't survive without food and the earth grows our food are we really two separate things? or could it be an illusion of the senses? of our minds and perception and perspectives? a collection of ideas that we've all agreed are true? does having a separate name for everything we see really make them separate? saying that that is there and i am here are here and ther...
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cartoon concept - snakes on a plane
Snakes on a plane with magic and mystery starring cartoon Samuel L Jackson. Every episode takes place on a flight which never lands (this is never questioned). There's an overarching mystery but each episode is a self contained mystery/adventure. Recurring characters: he has a kid sidekick, there's the cute spunky flight attendant love interest who helps them solve mysteries and decipher clues, the drunk pilots, wealthy eccentric man who made a makeshift arabian tent setup in one of the corner...
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false self deprogramming strategy
Become more aware of the roles that shame and fear play in your everyday life; when you evade or hide certain things or are generally not fully being yourself. Get into the habit of asking yourself why. Shame may be there in certain areas because these aspects of who you are (or were) were not validated/accepted or were actively rejected by important people in your life while growing up, which subconsciously made you believe that they should be suppressed in order for you to be loved and accepte...
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release
this spark, this flame it begs release let me be free! i yearn to be ...
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other people don't hurt you
your own thoughts hurt you ...
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light
Our eyes act like windows, releasing the light of our perception onto the objects in the outer world. Our eyelids like curtains, our vision the sunlight pouring over everything beyond them. When we close our eyes, the image of those things remains for a while and the light of our perception continues to focus on them. But if we keep them closed, eventually the light will start to circulate and illuminate the inner world instead. This is the beginning of self-understanding. All you have to do ...
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value
The value of art isn't in the work itself, but in experiencing in the tangible world something of the intangible. Witnessing formless expressed in form, the contents of the mind, heart and spirit of the artist thrust into space for our eyes to witness. It has no true value to an artist beyond the process of creation and none to a viewer beyond the process of perception. Once created and seen, the piece itself can, however, becomes a husk tied to the ego of the artist or observer who wishes to ...
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economics
It's better for the economy if we're confused and neurotic and disconnected from the earth. The more messed up we are the more desperately we'll be looking for solutions, which can be sold to us to provide (temporary) relief. ...
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suffering
Nobody has ever caused my suffering. They may have contributed to hurt but the suffering was a result of my own interpretations and personalizing, my own reactions and how I chose (or didn't choose) to respond. ...
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the grey cage
the pale light of the subway car rinsing the color from my eyes on another commute to nowhere just more empty theatrics sitting here side by side with them all of us dressed up like we're going somewhere doing something! thinking the next stop might bring us to a hint of life must look our best! but it isn't at the next stop it isn't waiting there like pet birds marvelling at the shiny decorations in a cage of concrete and steel this comfortable life this comfortable life ...
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unfathomable
The human body keeps us rooted in certain dimensions of reality, dimensions which our senses and brains are wired to interface with. Reality as a whole is, relative to these dimensions, infinitely vast and complex. An interweaving of energies manifesting within a singular, evershifting moment. ...
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left watching
who am i to be when all else is lost? where am i to go when there's nowhere left but i? when the world continues to turn with me left watching what can i do? what must i do? ...
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don't be positive
just be ...
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you and i
you are you and i am i how could it be otherwise? i can see with my eyes that you are there and i am here and i can hear with my ears what you say and what i say and i can write with my hands you with three letters and i with just one and i can say with my mouth you like "yoo" and i like "aye" so you must be you and i must be i how could it be otherwise? ...
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step out
separate yourself from judgement, criticism and condemnation. be the awareness rather than the thought forms. don't deny the thoughts, just step out of them and be the awareness of them. meet the other in that field. ...
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mindfulness
okay, just me and the plant. just me and the plant and my mind describing that it's just me and the plant... just me and the plant and my mind describing that my mind's describing that it's just me and my mind and the plant....... ...
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woke up deom a dream
woke up deom a dream thought im about to fall asleep this would be a food chance ro drop into lucid dream turned my head and xloses my eyes ans there was a flash of green light behind my eyes and a voice played in my head saying ive been feeling a little groggy (echoed) i got spooked ans moves my body and came iut od it ...
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listen
dont listen to the ones who want you to listen to them listen to the ones who want you to listen to yourself ...
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heavy
i want to escape this life my loves i can't bring them with me they're too heavy ...
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purposelessness
The problem of purposelessness arises not because of a flaw in existence but because of a flaw in the compability of our conditioning with existence. We may not have been born for a purpose but we were raised to serve a number of them. And when we look deeply into them, we inevitably find that none are ultimately of any lasting meaning. We then naturally infer that our life is without purpose, since our conditioning leads us to believe that everything we do should result in some productive and ...
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two kinds of dogs
Saw a dog being carried around, perfectly calm and relaxed, resting in its owner's arms. No particular will over its circumstances or fear over lack of control. Just trusting and staying open to where life was taking it, glancing around with a look of good-natured humour. Then saw another dog being carried, shaking and whining, anxiously barking at everything that passed. The situations were the same, the world was the same, but the way the dogs responded decided their experiences. ...
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afraid
why did he do that? he was afraid. why did they do that? they were afraid. why did i do that? ...
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black holes
Light is a wave phenomenon that becomes visible in the moment that our eyes make contact with it, and then essentially "disappears" from existence until it is again in contact with our eyes. The wave continues but it doesn't exist on the light spectrum as we define it unless it's witnessed by a human eye. A black hole works in a similar way. It's perpetually absorbing everything around it that exists on a certain spectrum, only unlike the human eye, it absorbs matter as well as light. Things on...
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catalyst
Allowing yourself to feel terrible without any distractions or numbing, understanding that the pain is a signal to rest, make a change, or simply to be felt can be a powerful catalyst for transformation. ...
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fomo
when did my fomo (fear of missing out) turn into fopi (fear of participating in)? ...
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nature and city
When you're in nature, everything you come in contact with is alive in some way. Trees, water, sunlight, grass, animals. Everything that reaches your senses is growing and changing and vibrating with life. That's part of why it's so rejuvenating. But when you're in the city, everything you see and touch is processed and dead. Concrete and steel floors and walls, clothing, the food you eat, the sounds you hear, the fumes you smell, the pale fluorescent lighting. Nothing is alive and growing, it'...
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judged
What is it that you experience when you feel judged by someone? When you think "they probably thought this" or "people will think this"? What you're experiencing is nothing but your own thoughts. You project them onto others, but they arise in you. They are your own judgements turned upon yourself. You've been pulling evidence here and there throughout your life to make these conclusions. Flippantly expressed judgements and reprimands from loved ones and strangers about your past attempts at s...
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problem solving
If you're ever struggling to come up with the right thing to do about a situation or a relationship, start spending more time alone. Don't rack your brain thinking and trying to come up with an answer, just be alone more. Relaxing and doing your thing. Being there without another person drowning out your inner voice will create an opening for the answer to arise in you, and give you a chance to hear it when it does. And you'll know it when it comes. There'll be a sense of clarity and stillnes...
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the worlds in our heads
Every human has another world they live in in their heads. We're all walking around only catching glimpses of the real world here and there. Our bodies may be in this world but we don't live in it, don't really see or experience it. We experience the one in our heads. ...
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chakras
"There are seven chakras that go up the body. Each pool of energy has a purpose, and can be blocked by a specific kind of emotional muck. Be warned, opening the chakras is an intense experience, and once you begin the process, you cannot stop until all seven are open. Are you ready? First we will open the Earth Chakra, located at the base of the spine. It deals with survival, and is blocked by fear. What are you most afraid of? Let your fears become clear to you. ... Aang, your vision is ...
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come out of it
You have to realize, deeply, that there is no reality to the things you see and hear in your mind. There is no substance to your thoughts. They have become your reality, but they are not real. What is the mind? Essentially, the mind is a calculator. A computer whose function is to solve problems and to get the things you want. Your mind gives you the ability to generate images and sensations so that you can experience this problem solving in real-time, as if it were really happening. This can ...
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fullest
...
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starbucks
I was pacing around my room after another day spent doing nothing of value. I’d done what I could to distract myself from my lack of purpose; cut my hair, watched some TV, ate a few extra meals. But it was one of those days that, for whatever reason, I felt guilty about being a human slug. After spacing out for a few more hours in front of the monitor, I decided to find a coffee shop and finally burn through a few pages of a book I’d been neglecting to read, with the usual flimsy reasoning of “I...
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out of tune
i feel weirdly out of tune lately i dont feel bad, which is nice but its like theres this basin in my chest that keeps slowly filling up until it spills over and when it does im suddenly crying with waves of feeling flooding my insides then out into the open air feelings that seem just a little disconnected from whatevers going on they arent all bad sometimes even gratitude i think things like "im so lucky" "my life is amazing" "how is this even reeeaaal" but part of me thinks the feelings a...
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dome dream
i was in a foggy field being chased one by one by random things, a rhino at one point, a bird i think. id always find thigs to jump on to get away from them but theyd break, a big block or these random horizontal poles on a wall and shit. at some point i start flying and come to a corner of a building. theres a guy in a suit whos like a living painting on the wall. i get spooked and want to get away but when i turn around to leave theres anorher wall and a ceiling. the painting guy sidles out a ...
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field notes from a unisex bathroom
bodies bodies bodies!! purged of all substance liquor darkness vibrations flesh each is nothing without the other without desperation without delusion a play at interaction desire for a fleeting glimpse of validation im rambling, im trying to write but im drunk and im shit hahaha im Garbage!! ...
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radiance
average men are always fluttering hysterical when a source of light and radiance appears they flock like moths to an encased flame pressing their cold bodies in close bathing in a glow they themselves feel incapable of producing hoping to become it or at least to be illuminated seen perhaps even mistaken for the source itself simply for being so close ...
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magical mystery ride
I was watching the setting sun with a friend when she pointed out how perfectly round it is, just floating out there, and how we have no clue why it's there or what it or any of this really is. She had a point. It feels like we know so much because we've identified and defined things like gravity and atoms and so on and so on but really, on a fundamental level, we just don't know about any of this. We believe we know how life is formed - a meeting of various forms of matter that create certain ...
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telepathy
I was walking down a side street going nowhere in particular and passed by a tree with a bright yellow bird perched on one of its branches. I'd never seen a bird like that before so I slowed down and watched it for a bit. I decided it was probably an escaped house pet, patiently waiting for someone to bring it some fortified brandname birdseed to eat. There was nobody around and I had nowhere to be so naturally I started sending out good vibes with my mind in an attempt to make it come to me. I...
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the ledge
thousands, millions all in a row on a tightrope of rock skirting the edge of a canyons maw a wall and an abyss a gaping mouth without a close countless climb up and join those on the ledge their arrivals celebrated an achievement no question this ledge is the pinnacle the peak all there is and ever will be just as many fall off, down, away gone some slip others jump insanity, cowardice, foolishness! to abandon the others and the sureness of the wall for nothing after an eternity on the ledge ...
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