jan30

It seems like the momentum of the past is still working its way through/out. I go on doing these stupid things, running around like a headless chicken, far less than before but still doing so. And then every once in a while, things wind down and fizzle out and it starts feeling like it's time to move on. Like it's time to let go and simplify even more.

Things are starting to shift in that way. I've done a loooot of processing over the past couple years, much of it through outlets that involve a lot of talking. And much like this blog, to me it mainly feels like ways and means to verbally shit out beliefs, ideas and feelings that need to be released. Along the way there are all these realizations dawning, and I can't delude myself anymore that I'm doing something ultimately worth doing. I don't see a point in continuing with it. It clearly served a purpose but the energy is gone, the hope is gone, it's seen through, I'm seen through. So why bother carrying on?

There are two alternatives. Either I stick to what I've been doing because it's become familiar and comfortable and I've made friends in these spaces. Or I let go and move on, into another unknown which may very well lead to the same end.

Moving on seems, to me, almost inevitable, but it's not easy. The mind is always calculating, and it wants safety, familiarity and security. It doesn't want to move alone into the unknown. But the heart! That's what needs to move on. There's no juice left in these spaces and dynamics once they're seen through. The energy is gone. I can animate my face and body to simulate passion and enthusiasm to avoid hurting those still there, but it's a farce. My heart doesn't want to be there anymore. It wants to be somewhere else, but that means letting go and returning to a state of insecurity and uncertainty. It's the only way to continue growing and avoid stagnation and falseness, but it isn't easy.

I'm moving into it a bit more consciously this time. Allowing things to wind down and transition more smoothly and naturally rather than suddenly pulling away. But I know it's about time to hit the dusty trail once again. To drift even further into aloneness and uncertainty, and continue exploring and experimenting.

I'm glad I was able to see all these faults I couldn't clearly see before. I was so inflated, and in some ironic ways. Because they seemed to be making me a better person - at least in relation to and from the perspective of others and my own conditioning. But it's not true. Those qualities only sincerely arise in certain circumstances - they're not as predominent in my character as they once seemed. And after some reflection, I'm okay with that. I've accepted it. I want to discover and be more true to myself, however that ends up looking. And whatever actually is the case is what's bound to be more natural, more human, regardless of what people might think or say. Whatever is affected and conditioned is bound to be the result of, essentially, brainwashing. Fear and shame/pride-based conditioning, that we're all constantly inundated with through various means. "This is what makes you safe and good, so be it rather than being yourself! This is what makes you unworthy and bad, so don't be it rather than being yourself!" Something like that.

I hope I can keep remembering a few things. One, that death is certain for all and coming fast so there's no good reason to carry on doing things that aren't satisfying anymore. Two, that Life will sustain this body/mind as long as it needs to be taken care of. It's just getting out of the egoic perspective really, the one that's always calculating and hoarding and clinging and so afraid of the deeper/broader reality/truth of its ephemerality. But this truth is what brings willingness and freedom, otherwise the fear of annihilation would be too much to ever let go of the known and move into the unknown. And I'd stay stuck in these miserable little ruts until finally death takes this body anyways, with every last trace of its pitiful time here wiped away soon after.