reflectivesun

nov27

November 28, 2023•1,896 words

"It's time to move into the conflict and ugliness of the world and relationship. To stop withdrawing into the calm, comfort and safety of isolation and imagination and to move towards the pain and friction of engagement willingly. To trust in my capacity to handle it with increasing grace and skill, or at least to trust myself to develop the capacity to do so along the way. To know that my precious peace is always waiting within me, after but a few moments of fully feeling and being with whateve...

nov23

November 23, 2023•1,608 words

Woke up from a dream early this morning with a voice loudly making a sharp spooky sound into my ear/mind. Kind of like "aaaaaAAhh!". The dream wasn't scary but that moment was and I woke up feeling a good deal of fear, and while I lay in bed my thoughts were roaming around various aspects of my life and painting over them in frightening ways. At some point I decided that it was probably repressed emotional pain coming up, and I disengaged from the thoughts and lay there for a while feeling it in...

nov22

November 23, 2023•1,237 words

I feel like dog doo today. A good night's sleep is so vital to feelin fine. Let's get some low mood thoughts out. As time goes on, it seems I'm becoming more and more simple. Almost too simple in some ways. My diet is simple, my lifestyle is simple, my passtimes are simple. I have little to talk about with people. I was in a group conversation yesterday and most of what I said was pulled from random trivia floating in my head that I don't really give a shit about. I was just bouncing relevent d...

nov17

November 17, 2023•519 words

I've been finding lately that it's gotten easier to choose to feel more relaxed and happy/contented. I've just been remembering to periodically throughout the days, essentially disengaging slightly from my interpretations and feelings about the apparent conditions of the moment and relaxing within myself. So whatever I'm doing, whatever's happening and however it seems/appears, ever-so-slightly shifting my energy towards a less serious and more lighthearted and playful tone. I can do this even i...

nov10

November 10, 2023•1,513 words

Some miscellaneous reflections: Recently been slipping into the old misery mires of the mind. Swimming through internalized complaints, frustrations, resentments, fears, feeling trapped, feeling alone, feeling helpless, feeling hopeless, feeling burdened, feeling stressed, all these kinds of thoughts and feelings coursing through my mind and body throughout the days. I guess it's to be expected, since I drastically cut back on some pleasurable coping/distraction strategies that I've leaned on ...

nov8

November 8, 2023•152 words

Let today mark the relinquishment of the NICE pattern of the false self defense program. I thank it for its utility in protecting my developing core from the volatile goobers that surrounded me when I wasn't capable or aware enough to repel them, nurture myself and steer my own course. Its time is coming to a close. I can be kind without being nice. I can be compassionate without being nice. I can even forgive without being nice. It's an affectation that isn't needed anymore. Niceness is soc...

November 4, 2023•17 words

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nov3

November 3, 2023•540 words

Recently had something of an emotional relapse that brought up a degree of fear/anxiety that I haven't felt in a while. It sucked at the time but it ended up bringing clarity around something that was teetering just out of my awareness, which are some of the ways I compulsively run away from and numb out my feelings rather than moving into and feeling them. I'm still sure there are more but some of the most deeply rooted are my tendency to eat, especially sugary foods, and to seek pleasure when ...

nov 3

November 3, 2023•485 words

It's been such a process coming to terms with everything that's beyond my control. This includes almost everything beyond some subtle shifts in my own attention, and even this is arguably beyond my control in a certain sense. There have been so many things around me that I've seen as wrong and in need of improvement, but whenever I've tried or really thought it through, I've found the situation ultimately insoluble. Every solution only creates or makes way for new problems. Eventually the only ...

oct26

October 26, 2023•242 words

There's a thought that keeps coming back to me - "everything in the world disappoints". It's something I keep noticing. Whenever I get or do something that I've been craving or fantasizing about, it ends up being disappointing. It can be something as simple as wanting to eat a specific food or something as complex as a relationship, activity or experience. Once I get or do the thing, at best it tends to be fine but rarely if ever as enjoyable, satisfying or fulfilling as I thought it'd be. I'...

oct23

October 23, 2023•578 words

I think I've been groping too hard at happiness lately. Whenever I try to plan my happiness, the thing ends up being okay but also disappointing somehow. I guess it can't measure up to the expectation, the fantasy. Reality almost never can, and yet reality can also be surprisingly nourishing in completely unexpected moments. Sitting in a room, alone or with others, and suddenly feeling happiness, peace, love welling up. Rising out of nowhere, filling the body/mind, lingering for a while and then...

carousel

October 8, 2023•244 words

One day happy, next day sad. One day relaxed, next day stressed. One day grateful, next day worried. On and on it goes. The way off this carousel is detachment. Noticing the thoughts, the feelings, the endless fluctuations, and letting them be as they are until the next, and the next, and the next. Here we go again. Up and down, in and out, attached then detached, identified then aware then identified again. Round and round and round it goes. Attachment is bondage, detachment is liberation. ...

aug30

August 30, 2023•1,052 words

I want to stop being phony to "connect" with people. Forcing niceties and positivity, basically. I want to have the courage and confidence to stay aligned with and express who I am rather than falling into polite chatter. I seem to get pulled into it by/with others and then keep us both stuck on that frequency when I could nudge us out of it by being more authentic and thereby creating space for others to as well. I want to be more real, even if it might make me or others feel uncomfortable or ...

aug12

August 12, 2023•100 words

I seem to prefer staying in a detached state of wonder at life/creation over getting really involved in what I'm seeing/participating in. I stay aloof somewhere deep down, watching it all happen before my eyes/mind even as my own body speaks and acts in that space. I revel in the passing mystery of it more than the tangible details and treasures. At the same time there's a yearning for more intimacy, more involvement, more closeness, more participation, more play. Is it possible to have both? C...

jul26

July 26, 2023•10 words

I'll just be myself and leave the rest to Life. ...

jul5

July 5, 2023•9 words

Happiness is wanting to be exactly where you are. ...

jun29

June 29, 2023•646 words

Recently I've been feeling kind of down and disappointed because I haven't made as much progress as I'd like with my inner growth and recovery. I'm still acting out old patterns and making the same mistakes that I'd hoped to have outgrown by now. I still doubt and second guess myself, still fall into avoiding and evading rather than being true to myself, still prioritize others over myself, lose contact with myself while with others and go along with things that I don't really want, end up being...

jun25

June 25, 2023•83 words

All thoughts are essentially false and relative. They may serve a function in the world of this and that, of judgments and decisions and conversations, but they don't need to be given undue reality when not needed. Better to rest the mind in being, in not-knowing, in acceptance of whatever is as it is whatever it all may really be beneath the superficial sensory descriptions and conditioned prejudices, than to be constantly preoccupied with meaningless words passing back and forth across the min...

context

June 25, 2023•88 words

Everything in the world makes sense with enough context. The way things are, why things are the way they are, the way people are, the things we do, why we do what we do. It all makes sense with enough information. If something seems impossible, shocking or incomprehensible at the moment of its appearance or enaction, it just means there's context lacking to sufficiently grasp how it came about. With enough context, everything makes sense. Everything fits. Everything turns out to follow logical p...

jun23

June 24, 2023•1,773 words

Some miscellaneous reflections: I've gotten used to the mental spaciousness that comes with being mostly on my own. Now that I've slowly started engaging with others more, I'm finding some of the old overthinking and irritation returning, though there's also the pleasure of company and interaction. The main challenge is moderating contact to the degree that I'm comfortable and actually enjoying it rather than continuously engaging as a courtesy. I'm happy to see and talk to others when I'm hap...

back

June 7, 2023•100 words

To stay sane in the world, to not lose oneself in all the games, expectations, agendas, ideas and impressions, there's little more valuable than the return - the turning/drawing back of attention to its source. Back to the origin of all phenomenal experiencing. Back to the primordial Self. Without this constant turning back/in, getting lost is inevitable and insanity likely. But if the source is always kept in view, you'll never be lost and you'll never stray too far into the brambles. Everythi...

jun4

June 4, 2023•313 words

Went out to meditate at the park this morning. It was early so there were only a few others there, most with their dogs. It was sunny, cool and peaceful. The dogs were giving off such a relaxed playfulness. Or maybe it's just that I was relaxed watching them. It was so quiet. I found myself realizing, or at least feeling, that I'm in heaven. Looking around, seeing flowers in bloom and people chatting while the dogs played. It was serene, but so mundane that there's hardly anything to say about i...

emergence

June 2, 2023•125 words

Whatever happens can be seen as the Will or Way of the universe, or of God or Tao or whatever. This moment is the expression of the collective movement of the entire cosmos since its seemingly spontaneous emergence out of emptiness. Therefore, all feelings and perspectives are valid and inevitable, yet none so forever. Shame, regret and judgments, for example, can be seen through and let go of as this eternal moment continues to emerge. After all, when are their stories essentially accurate in...

miraculous

May 26, 2023•175 words

When nothing is craved beyond what's already present and available, when all of it is experienced as a blessing in itself (being already more than the more logical probability of oblivion), when just being alive to experience experiencing is sufficient, every moment can be its own source of serene joy. Each instant washing upon the senses fresh and new, like waves gently gliding onto a sunlit shoreline. Just being here to feel the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the breeze, to see the col...

outnumbered

May 19, 2023•132 words

The light is always outnumbered by the dark. The beautiful is always outnumbered by the ugly. The intelligent is always outnumbered by the dumb. The sincere is always outnumbered by the petty. The truth is always outnumbered by the lies. It's just how it is in the world of this and that. The one is always comparatively small, fleeting, delicate but radiant. The other is always vast, dense, imposing but hollow. The darkness is always threatening to consume the light, which may shine brightly fo...

may14_

May 14, 2023•222 words

It's funny to consider how much energy and emphasis I seem to put into transcendence when I actually don't admire the detached/transcendent all that much. I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame but what I really admire is grounded, earthy, expressive humanness. Those who are immersed in their immediate experience/circumstances, who are utterly involved in and appreciative of their humanity. Those who instinctively say what's on their mind and show what's in their heart. Obviously there are way...

may14

May 14, 2023•655 words

Did my morning meditation on the grass today. The warmth of the sun on my face and the coolness of the grass were so nice. At one point a dog appeared in my lap, sniffed my nose and scampered off. Very cute interruption. Recently I've noticed how I can get lost behind the part of my mind that conceptualizes. The imagination, essentially. These holograms of words and images always being generated which I primarily seem to focus on and describe when I'm thinking and speaking. It seems to be chal...

birthright

May 12, 2023•564 words

Reflecting on how much energy can really be wasted on overcompensating, meaning pretty much anything that isn't really needed or intrinsically enjoyable but which we do anyways to make up for a lack of self acceptance/confidence in our raw simplicity/humanness. Maybe it's putting a lot of time and money into dressing up, getting jacked/fit, having status symbols to show off wealth/material success, getting likes and follows, maybe even gaining enlightened status or spiritual power. A whole lifet...

symbols

May 8, 2023•200 words

All thoughts are ultimately false and incomplete because they can only ever represent perspectives through the use of symbols. They craft illusions which may be stimulating, compelling, insightful, moving, funny, but which can never encompass or convey truth. To wander down roads of thoughts is to enter into simulated representations from the perspectives of the thinker/speaker. Even in one's own mind, what thoughts convey is always ultimately untrue and limited. Giving undue reality and imp...

open

May 8, 2023•46 words

Nirvana/Heaven opens up when there's nothing left to think about, worry about, accomplish or defend. When all that's left is to be. The moment attention returns to thinking, worrying, accomplishing or defending, Nirvana/Heaven is obscured once more, like clouds moving in to cover the open sky. ...