jan29

Why am I feeling anxious about sharing? I'm realizing how preachy and manipulative my speech can be. Most of the time I don't speak from the heart, instead I'm unconsciously trying to teach or guide. I don't fully allow myself and reveal myself to be another human. I try to convey some idea that's already moved into the head rather than just sharing as I am in the moment. The intent may be good in a way but the effects, especially for me, aren't. I feel anxious and out of my depth because I can...
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training

Heard something today that seems obvious now but didn't really occur to me. Training attention is like training a muscle. If left untrained, the muscle weakens and it takes more and more effort to do less and less. And in the process of training it, extra energy is initially required to reach and sustain a new plateau of strength. After this more becomes possible with less effort and further levels become available. Attention is something that I...haven't given enough attention to. I usually le...
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roles

Note to self: accept your roles in the greater drama of life, no matter how they've played out. Good in this scene, bad in this one. Saint to this person, sinner to that one. Worthy on this day, unworthy on that one. Accept it all, and embrace the lessons you're learning and teaching along the way - even the painful ones. Shape events where you can but accept completely what has already played out, without personalizing or crafting fixed identities based on them. Change is everpresent, and roles...
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G*d

Since I've gotten more into the G word lately, I wanted to try defining some layers of my conception of it. God (v): impersonal energetic principle constituting, encompassing and animating reality supreme beingness which perceives and is perceived in all infinite universal intelligence boundless eternal process of growth, evolution, decay and dissolution consciousness and its activity/contents cause of all effects origin, journey and destination ...
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creation

First there's only the essence. Essence and essence and more essence. This essence is the most fertile soil, dense with all possibilities existent, imagined and as yet unimaginable. And all about this essence sprout the various forms that come in and out of being. All of which start out empty, as empty as the essence itself which continues its ceaseless pulsations throughout the gathering forms. Then the forms become more solid, but still soft and pliant with essence. And gradually, they harden ...
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pressure

It seems like most of the world is designed to impede spiritual growth, but this might just be an impression. It could be similar to the pressure needed to create diamonds, which are rare and valuable compared to ordinary stone. Being surrounded by so much noise, suffering and insanity seems to have the effect of pushing certain localizations of consciousness inward, fueling inner expansion and refinement. This doesn't always seem to be the case, as it seems to be more likely overall that the ...
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justice

There's no real justice in the world of man. That's a fabrication, a comforting idea that's packaged and sold. There is, however, the constant balance and interplay of cause and effect. As a collective, we always reap what is sewn. The actions of the condemned individuals of society are the manifested consequences of what's done and created on a collective level. Assigning blame onto specific individuals is essentially scapegoating, similar to that in dysfunctional families, relationships or a...
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uniting

Attachments and aversions must be united into One. Mental preferences for this or that must be transcended if one is to remain attuned to the underlying permeating reality of boundless unity. If something seems ugly or nasty or otherwise unpleasant to the mind/senses, it must be embraced as readily as something beautiful or tasty or otherwise pleasing. The constant distinguishing between this and that generates unnecessary unease and distress to the body/mind, and it truly is arbitrary - built u...
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perspective

Looking out at the world from the perspective of a body, nearly everything appears as a potential threat. Looking out at the world from the perspective of spirit, nearly everything appears as a potential teacher. ...
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jan19

This life is a passing dream. Suddenly going by so fast. In the end, what will it have been for? The experiences? The lessons? The novelties? The pleasures? The pains? The knowledge? The wisdom? The feelings? The achievements? The losses? The attachments? The surrenders? The loves? The solitude? All or none of the above? Step by step, day by day, inching towards the climax - the great release. Could be years away, could be today. The orgasm, the crescendo, the grand finale. And then...what? Wh...
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freedom

The only true freedom to be found in life is spiritual freedom. The body is always subject to what's perceived by the senses, but the spirit can remain detached. Detachment can give a sense of freedom and contentment regardless of what's being impressed upon the senses. Being more in tune with the realm of God than the realm of man, swimming in that ocean more than standing on land, keeps the spirit/consciousness aloof from the contents of sensory perception. It doesn't matter so much anymore be...
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joining

To join with the will of God/Life is to move with total acceptance of what arises, regardless of personal agendas/preferences. Each moment is the result of a single collective unfolding which includes everything and everyone that ever is, was and will be. The individual will is confined to its apparent capacity to propel action, though this is an illusion since each individual is inseparably shaped and moved by those/that which surround it. The egoic perspective only generates stories in relati...
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path

In truth, there is no going astray. The path is whatever unfolds beneath the feet on this mysterious stroll across the abyss. What comes about can either be rejected or accepted. Either judged or embraced. Either separated into this from that in perception or united into One. Whether now or later, it's all part of the path. The path is the path. The way is the way. Perception is the point at which the way is either obscured or revealed. The fluctuations between obscuration and revelation are ...
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tunnel

It's really sunny out today. Light is pouring in through the window. Today my mind is preoccupied with desire, a specific goal/destination, and I can't help but notice how distant the light and warmth feel compared to when I'm just open and flowing. I almost didn't notice it, and yesterday was seriously one of the grayest and gloomiest days in a while. I guess it's part of the ebb and flow. Sometimes in the tunnel of desire, sometimes laying out in the open air with the sun. Is it possible to h...
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jan12

Had the first of my old friends reach out to ask about meditation today. Up until now the responses pretty much across the board when it came up were either visibly checking out or polite disinterest. I knew this day would come eventually though as they slowly start realizing the significance of their internal processes. It was a simple question but the real answer is so vast that I wouldn't know where to start. Ultimately though I know it's best to keep it simple and not to encourage dependenc...
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Clearing

by Martha Postlethwaite Do not try to serve the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait there patiently, until the song that is yours alone to sing falls into your open cupped hands and you recognize and greet it. Only then will you know how to give yourself to the world so worthy of rescue. ...
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continuum

All feelings operate on a continuum between an extreme "positive" pole and its extreme "negative" opposite. Eg: (Positive) <-------> (Neutral) <-------> (Negative) Smothering <-------> Loving <-------> Hateful Manic <-------> Happy <-------> Miserable Overwhelmed <-------> Contented <-------> Deprived Dissociated <-------> Peaceful <-------> Enraged Careless <-------> Trusting <-------> Fearful When awareness is resting in...
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forgiveness

Forgiveness is the mechanism by which I release myself from the painful burden of intrinsically false narratives about events that I've (mis)perceived. Every story that I'm recalling that causes suffering is a misperception/misinterpretation of a process far beyond my comprehension and the appearance/subsequent judgments of the event. It is only the false stories that bring emotional pain. To forgive is to let go of a story. To free myself from it. ...
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realms

The realm of separation, that which is seen by the eyes, is that of deception and delusion. The realm of oneness, that which permeates beyond the seen, is that of God. Both occur within the totality of God but the eyes lead astray, while the heart/intuition/unified perception leads home. ...
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silent retreat #2

Just finished a 5 day meditation retreat! Some immediate reflections: The first 2-3 days were pretty grueling as the body adjusted to the sudden influx of early mornings, prostrations and long sits. My leg and core muscles feel noticably thicker and stronger. The last 2 days I barely slept but still felt energized. Talking to others again afterwards felt almost like socializing after taking a stimulant. Overshared with the first person I spoke to who quickly found an excuse to exit the conver...
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joy

Heard something interesting today. Someone said that in his experience, there's no real joy to be found in the world apart from the joy of God. It surprised me and made me wonder, is it true in my experience? Joy...what is it after all? What causes it to arise? Thinking of the times I've felt joyful, it seems to involve a degree of surrender. Of letting go into the experience. What does that mean exactly? Letting go of what? Of worries, hesitations, fears - thoughts, essentially. Limiting and s...
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representations

Each externally pursued desire is really a veiled movement towards something that feels incomplete or insufficient within. A holographic projection of a conceived lack in the self. "I don't have this feeling so I need that thing". It can be addressed in different ways. The desires can be pursued and endlessly shifted from one projection to another. The desires can be pursued until it's found that attaining them hasn't resolved the underlying feelings. The desires can be seen as reflections of w...
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species

The separation of species seems, in some ways, arbitrary. All living beings are born with unique mental makeups, species doesn't seem to mean much in terms of overall personality and inclinations. Being human doesn't necessitate civility and being an animal doesn't necessitate incivility. Being human doesn't necessitate higher intelligence and being an animal doesn't necessitate lower intelligence. There are humans and animals of every kind with greater and lesser degrees of intelligence within ...
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projection

It isn't the thing/person/event itself that generates uncomfortable emotions in the body upon being witnessed or thought of, it's the interpretation and judgment (towards life in whatever form it has appeared) that generates it. The greater the movement away from loving acceptance for any manifestation of the one life/Self, the greater the discomfort generated in the mind/body of the perceiving/interpreting individual expression (me). The greater the rejection, the greater the unease. The discom...
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dec 21

Went to bed early and also overslept. Body feeling a bit rundown, likely from the increase in exercise and walking + getting up earlier. I'm going to load up on calories today and try to rest up in the evening. Another early night's sleep too I think. I want to keep doing what I'm doing but I also want to give the bod sufficient room to recover. Otherwise, a beautiful morning. Processed some heaviness while lying in bed, under a comfortably thick blanket while the sunlight was blinding me from ...
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For a New Beginning

by John O’Donohue In out-of-the-way places of the heart, Where your thoughts never think to wander, This beginning has been quietly forming, Waiting until you were ready to emerge. For a long time it has watched your desire, Feeling the emptiness growing inside you, Noticing how you willed yourself on, Still unable to leave what you had outgrown. It watched you play with the seduction of safety And the gray promises that sameness whispered, Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent, Wondered...
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dec 20

Last night I was feeling some irritation because I could hear the tv in the room across from mine. I often have a little debate in my head in these moments. Part of me wants to correct it by asking that it be lowered and the other wants to practice experiencing and reinterpreting sources of discomfort. That's what I ended up going with for now. I'm basically using anything that triggers emotional reactions as meditation practice. I decided to surrender and relax into the feelings. After about a ...
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dec 19

A beautiful day, truly. The sun is shining on my face right now. I'm typing this with my eyes closed. I feel sleepy but contented. I did my full morning routine. I'm freshly showered. My skin feels soft and clean. I'm very happy in this moment. What is there to say? Thank you sun, for shining on my face. The warmth feels nice. And now the clouds have come and you're hidden once more. So it goes. Ah, and you're back. God that's so nice. ...
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dec 17

Getting back into waking up early, mainly because I've been lying in bed struggling to fall asleep lately. Not sure when it started but I like the feeling of being up early and doing my self care practices. It probably helps that I'm doing it because I want to and not because I have to. I usually dawdle and daydream but once I give in and do them I genuinely enjoy the whole process. Each one feels good and adds to the last. Come to think of it I kind of enjoy the dawdling and daydreaming too.....
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interrupted

Watched Mulholland Drive for the first time the other day. Afterwards I searched up analyses and came across one that went into detail about some aspects of Jungian psychology. One part detailed how if healthy ego development is interrupted or suppressed in childhood, the ego can end up becoming stunted and overidentified with the persona that's created to suit the environment instead. I think that's what happened to me. Instead of growing into my own personhood (my ego), I grew into what was r...
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