mar12 - surrender

I think I'm almost ready to leave some things behind. To put it bluntly, God, for one. And healing/recovery work.

I think I've been going about things all wrong, or maybe I needed to dive into these things so I could move on from them and just be another person again. I've been feeling phony and it's getting tiresome. I have a lot of knowledge in my head now and can speak comfortably on these things, and I don't like how people start to think I'm this especially good or smart or healthy person. Underneath the words, I'm just ordinary. Not especially good or bad. Just neutral, just myself. And still as neurotic as ever. I don't want to be God-centered or recovery focused or any of that stuff. I just want to be myself and live. So I'd rather just stop talking about this stuff with people.

I feel like I've been trying too hard, and trying to become someone I'm just not meant to be. I'll spend some time in meditation and prayer and such with a group talking all holiness and insight, and then right after play a game where I can talk shit and be a lil naughty and carefree, but not cruel or mean. I'm really not particularly saintly or sinful. I'm just neutral, somewhere in the middle. Whenever I lean too far in either direction I feel like indulging in the opposite again. So I'd rather just let go of talking and even thinking about things as high as God and all that entirely. I don't even want to get into it, because it leads to this overly holy vibe that just doesn't feel right. It just isn't me. I may have some holy sounding thoughts at times, but I'm not holy. I'm just human. I'm just myself. I don't want to pretend to be more than that.

In terms of healing and recovery, again it just feels like I'm trying too hard. It's like I'm trying to claw my way up this muddy hill when I could just let go and flop around at the bottom and basically accomplish the same thing - being covered in mud. So I think I want to let go now. I want to give up, in a certain sense. Whatever I do, life will continue to place challenge after challenge before me. There's no escaping that. That's just life. Day after day, hour after hour, choice after choice, lesson after lesson. So I might as well just accept who I am and where I'm at and direct my free time and energy towards relaxing, enjoying and taking care of myself, and let the challenges and lessons come as they will. I don't need to focus on and talk about my problems and traumas all the time. And I don't need to fight and compete with people to achieve goals. I don't need to become a special person, a more evolved person, a more healed person, a more successful person, like these people who all have their own webpages with services on offer next to pictures of them smiling in the sunlight. There are so many of them. It's just another thing to do, if you want. And I don't.

So fuck it. I'm not going to try to be anyone or anything in particular. I'll just be a cute damaged loser with a shitty job and some issues and shortcomings that may or may not work themselves out. I'll let it be what it is and do things I enjoy. If I somehow make some friends and have some cool experiences along the way, great. If not, also great. Just being alive is enough. This world is enough. This life is enough. I am enough! Whenever I start yearning for more, I gradually become phony and miserable trying to make things happen and I lose sight of everything I have to be grateful for. So I'll just stop. I'm done. Done!

I accept myself. I accept life and whatever it brings of its own volition. I let go of the rest. I accept and let go. I accept being nothing special. I accept being a nobody. I accept being a loser. If things I want work out, cool. If they don't, also cool. No more getting riled up either way. I am, and life is. That's enough. It's more than enough. Anything else is a bonus, or a burden.

I hereby surrender.
So it is written, so it is done.