aug16

Ah, I've begun looking forward to writing while having breakfast. Very good.

My recent return to my former self-care and self-expression practices seems to be improving my overall sense of wellbeing. I feel more at ease with myself, others, and life in general.

It occured to me today that I still have a number of agendas pulling my attention and desires in different directions. It would probably be best to get rid of all of them and truly relax into and trust in Life's spontaneous unfolding, but I don't really want to yet. That's probably okay, as long as I keep an underlying perspective that Life will take me where it will regardless of what I want and that whatever that is will be best and have its own experiences and lessons for me. Better to approach my agendas with an open hand rather than a tight grip. Just say yeah, I'd like to try that if the opportunity arises, maybe do a minimum of research and initiative, and then let go and return to the present unfolding and appreciation for what I have and where I'm at. Not get too fixated on them, just let them float patiently on the periphery until the time is right.

What else? Oh yeah, I noticed that on the surface of my life I'm working hard, fulfilling my duties, practicing spiritual cultivation let's say, and then privately I'm also actively preparing myself for relationships. Working on my emotional health, trying to understand myself and others better interpersonally, trying to understand and work towards better love, attraction and sex. I don't talk about it but its very much on my radar. Not just love, but also the fun of play, attraction and its deepening. I realized that I've become too self-absorbed and immature, expecting others to just "love me as I am" while forgetting that that's something that takes time, and along the way it's more effective to be mindful of others and their feelings and experience. I don't want to go as far with it as I used to and morph myself into someone I'm not, but I also don't want to spill every stray thought and feeling onto others prematurely so they can "get to know me", which I've sort of been slipping into for a while. After all, I'm not my thoughts and feelings. Those things are almost arbitrary, incidental, conditional.

It's been really interesting to slowly come to understand what's going on. Because I've always felt a bit confused and frustrated by how I seem to effortlessly attract when I have no intention or desire to yet when I actively try to pursue what I like I immediately make an ass of myself and repel. I actually feel far more true to myself when I'm not trying, even though when I do try I'm usually trying to show the other person who I am and how we're alike and compatible.

I really am a sort of pure feminine being. Whatever I actively pursue runs from me, but whenever I'm just chilling in the right place, just at ease and contented in myself, Life rushes towards me with all its gifts and appreciation, including in the form of other people and their positive attention and perception. I just have to be around what I want to make it come to me - I don't have to do anything aside from resting in myself and responding warmly when it inevitably comes knocking. Even then, just being receptive and responsive, not necessarily demonstrative.

I've long felt myself to be something like a black hole when I'm being my most natural self. I pull everything in and release very little, but what is released has depth, density, gravity. Even energetically, I seem to have that effect. I have an effortless gravitational pull and internal density. As long as I'm not trying to control, it works for me.

I think part of what makes me attractive is the contradictory/paradoxical aspects. On the surface I seem relaxed and detached, but beneath there's an intensity and depth. I can seem inexperienced and naive, but also deliberate and intelligent. I'm a bit dreamy and idealistic, but also grounded, straight-forward and pragmatic. I can be warm and open while engaging, but then go back to being solitary and self-contained. I never express sadness, but I give off an air of sadness and weight. I seem so accepting, agreeable, non-defensive and non-argumentative, but I clearly think for myself and do my own thing regardless of convention. I'm quiet and unobtrusive, but fully present and engaged. I seem to have a spiritual approach to life, but I don't try to advertise, define, or explain it.

I don't have to try for any of this - it's just how I am. When I try to shine I just dim my own light, which partly seems to glow brighter because of the darkness that surrounds it. All I have to do is embrace myself as I am and stop trying, and everything comes to me. I just need to put myself in the right setting, wait patiently, and respond. That's all. That's all I've ever had to do. Just be there, be present, considerate, responsive, and it all happens.

Now that I'm aware of it and what's been happening, I can relax and lean into it fully. What a relief!