mar15

Gosh, the past couple weeks have been interesting. I should be sleeping but I'm going to write some things down.

• HUGE lesson recently, very important. When I am mad at someone, I am not actually mad at the other person. I am mad at MYSELF. I am mad because I failed to express something, assert something, prioritize myself, take responsibility for myself or otherwise meet a need while some narrative is playing in my head that's making me feel victimized. The other person is just a patsy, a fall guy. They are not responsible for my feelings or for meeting my needs - I am. Even if they look me dead in the eye and tell me to go fuck myself, they are not responsible for my anger. I am. My thoughts are. My feelings are. And even if they're my parent or partner, they're not responsible for meeting my needs anymore. I am. Me. It's all in ME. Others can participate but they are not responsible. So when I blame them and retaliate, I will ALWAYS repent because the other person isn't actually at fault for the way I feel - I am. My mind is. Recently I did retaliate to something shitty that happened with a big ass email like a god damn karen, and shortly after I regretted it. The funny thing was though, until I actually did the thing it was like I was hypnotized and convinced it was the right thing to do. It was only after I finally sent it that I started to see clearly again that I should've just let it go and get on with my life. SO - be wary of this feeling of being hypnotized by the urge to retaliate and get entangled in petty nonsense. It's happened before and it will probably happen again. And when it does, LET IT GO. Seriously, let that shit go. That story of the Buddha getting spit on and understanding rather than retaliating is right. Jesus turning the other cheek is right. It is the wisest choice. Otherwise I will only spread more pain while enhancing my own, entangle myself in more karma/petty hassle/bad blood, and repent.

• I've been feeling more authentic lately. Maybe because I dropped God and recovery and accepted being an unstable-in-almost-every-way loser? Amazing how I can still get inflated though, still get all bent outa shape. So weird, so weird! I am seriously immature! I'm instinctively feeling a creeping sense that it's not okay and it needs to change, but that's the old trap again. The truth is that trying to change it will only make it worse. So the best thing I can do is say okay. I'm unstable. I'm a loser. I'm prone to inflating and getting all bent outa shape. I'm weird, so weird. I'm immature. Okay. So be it. That's me baby. And trust that as long as I'm aware and honest about it to myself, life will work its magic.

• Lately I've been pushing myself to sing when I feel like it without quieting down when I pass people. As a result I've slowly been getting more comfortable singing whenever I feel like it, and as a result of that I've been feeling happier and more free. I wish I had more songs I liked to sing. Don't want to become known as that guy who walks around singing evanescence all the time. Or do I...

• Today while I was scooting around, a man shook his head at me as I rode onto the sidewalk. Technically he wasn't in the wrong but I felt annoyed by the disapproving head shake, as I have each time it's happened. I just hate that damn look, it's so superior (and there is definitely a superior ass motherfucker inside me so it makes sense that I would hate it. Hello shadow. You think you are superior to ME, the TRUE superior one?? I should smh at you!! That's probably it tbh. What a joke!). He was standing just by my destination so after I parked I walked past him again and said "hey!" and then held my hand up like I was waving at him. He waved back reactively but was clearly startled/spooked/confused - he definitely thought I was going to start something with him and quickly walked away. I really didn't give it much thought but I think if I had a purpose in doing that it was to spook him into minding his own damn business, but there was definitely also an element of returning negative energy. Funny how I didn't really repent that time though, I was mostly amused at both myself and his reaction. Maybe because it was so low stakes and relatively harmless? Hmm. There is a small part of me that feels bad for scaring someone for a petty reason.

• This past week I've been having TMJ symptoms for the first time in years, and I also got sick suddenly which happens very rarely. I think I've actually been quite stressed for some time now and my health is going to heck. Maybe that's why my defenses are lowering and I'm feeling a bit more careless? Kind of like when I used to get really hungover and on some level enjoyed feeling too shitty to care, except now I'm in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation, hunger and burnout.

• That's all folks! God I'm hungry. I forgot to eat again. Also well past bed time and more sleepy so sleep it is. Food later. Forgive me body. I hope to be more regulated and stable again soon. Please hang in there a bit longer. I love you. My bad. I'll do better tomorrow.