feb11

I have some uncomfortable feelings moving through at the moment. I want to escape or stuff them but I'm closing my eyes and breathing through them. They're coming up after a pretty vulnerable conversation I just had with someone in which I don't feel I articulated myself very well. I'm worried what they'll think or what could happen - vague fears and thoughts of what I should have said instead or could say to clarify things. I'm not going to, but the thoughts are there. The ego feels threatened, insecure, fearful.

In reality, nothing is wrong and there is nothing to fear. Things unfolded the only way they could in that moment. And now the mind is processing and integrating what was said, heard and learned, which will impact both of our perceptions and trajectories moving forward. A transaction occured, a transition, a transformation, as two beings crossing paths and exchanged data and energy. This ego, this self-concept, desires certain outcomes and is scanning the experience for these and for threats. It wants to be liked, admired, respected, thought well of, trusted, secure, and it feels unsafe and insufficient at the possibility of these outcomes not being met. But these aren't necessarily what's for the best. What is for the best is the growth that will come of the interaction, for both of us. Even if it means this ego doesn't come off the way it would have preferred. Even if I don't come away from the interaction looking "good".

Nothing needs to be done but to feel the feelings while seeing through the thoughts. They're false, subjective, based in untenable values formed from past experiences and conditioning. The discomfort is the result of leaning through a learned defense pattern. I broached the wall of uncertainty and tried being vulnerable and true rather than performing. I'm still clumsy at this, still learning as I go. It's like learning a new language - speaking from the heart instead of the head. Being vulnerable instead of safe. It still feels unsteady, unpredictable, unwise. It doesn't guarantee the ego its desired outcomes.

It occured to me after talking that I'm working through a developmental stage that was meant to unfold in childhood and throughout the teen years, and that some (but surprisingly not many, I don't think) have already transcended and left behind - personality development and integration. The natural and healthy development of mine was so distorted and thwarted that I need to go back and continue the unfinished business before I can move forward in a meaningful and aligned way. What developed for me was only the persona, while the real individuality remained hidden and unexplored behind it. Now I'm essentially dissolving the persona while the true self is gradually emerging into the spaces the persona was formerly crowing out.

As an adult, this feels humiliating and shameful in a way to share with others, though it isn't really because it can't be helped. It's a natural consequence of circumstances beyond my control, and it's best for everyone that it's made a priority. But it feels embarrassing, because it indicates such an immature state of self absorption - always focused on me me me, all these rudimentary things about me. My thoughts, my feelings, my beliefs, my needs, my perspectives, my desires. With an integrated personality, these things just become part of one's natural expression and movement in the world. They don't need to be thought about or talked about, they're lived as part of the natural flow of inner to outer. They're expressed in the way one lives, moves and acts in the world. But with a fractured and fragmented personality like mine, they all need to be examined as if through a microscope. Is this aspect natural and true, or is it a foreign contaminant that needs to be excised? It also means revealing the falsity of my persona, the way others have perceived me to be. And can you trust someone who's telling you they're not how they appear to be? What are they hiding, and why? Only I know the nuances and that there's nothing threatening behind it, that I'm basically feeling trapped within the walls of my own conditioned defensive patterns, beliefs and feelings. I guess I just have to trust that others will get that, and maybe even relate.

It's the truth of my interest and experience at the moment. It's what my attention is focused on, and truthfully has been to some degree my whole life, since it essentially represents a foundational wound that's always been in need of healing. So that's what came up when I was asked what I'm working on. But it feels so vulnerable and immature.

I'm glad it happened. Really, I am, even if it feels uncomfortable. Everytime I take a step towards dropping the act and even trying to be more real, I've succeeded. It doesn't matter how it went, it matters that I wasn't being phony. It's still going to take time to learn this language and the right times and ways to engage others in my raw inner experience. This was one step towards learning that.